Sexuality Happens

Image by flexgraph used under a Creative Commons License

Pleasurists is your round-up of the adult product reviews that came out in the last seven days from bloggers all around the sex blogosphere. Did you miss Pleasurists #16? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists #18? Submit it here before Sunday March 1st at 11:59pm PST. Please re-post this list on your own blog if listed.

Sorry the list is a bit late this week, it’s been a crazy last few days. Pleasurists #18 will be out on time!

Want to win some free swag? All you’ve got to do is enter.

• NoFauxxx.com Membership Giveaway. Deadline: Feb 28th.

On to the reviews…

Editor’s Pick

• Bloomy by Jezebelle

Two things stood out right away; the amazing sensation that the curves give, and that the end of the curly loop is long enough for clitoral stimulation. Although the Bloomy is short, the curves and girth of the toy make up for it!

Madame Editrix

Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek

Vibrators

• Baby Bug by Sarah
• Swingin Pendulum by Adriana
• Evolved Waterproof Unity- Fusion Edition by Beautiful Dreamer
• The Isis by HotMoviesForHer Sex Toy Crew
• Opus by Essin’ Em
• Miracle Massager by Adriana

Dildos

• The Inauguration Of The Obama (Dildo That Is) by Betty Rocket
• Acute by Erin Leone
• Pink Flower Glass Dildo by Sleeping Dreamer
• Silk 2 by Thursday’s Child
• Cobalt Blue Duchess by Erin Leone
• Dai-Do #3 by Sleeping Dreamer

Anal Toys

• Little Flirt by Erin Leone
• Bloomy by Sexorcism
• Ripple by HotMoviesForHer Sex Toy Crew
• Bloomy by Erin Leone
• The Pandora G-spot P-spot Stimulator by Domina Doll

Toys for Cocks

• 4-Way Girth Arouser Duck by Sleeping Dreamer

Lube/Massage Oil/Bath Stuff

• Inttimo Aroma Oil by Sommer Marsden
• Inttimo Aromatherapy – Forbidden Fruit by Curvaceous Dee
• Kamasutra Pleasure Potion Lube by Jezebelle
• Climax Bursts Anal Lube by Carnivalesq

BDSM/Fetish

• Silk Sashay Cuffs by Sleeping Dreamer
• Liberator Fascinator Wet Set by Beautiful Dreamer
• Super Strap Love Sling by Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek
• Paddle fleece by Spartacus by Average Joe
• Large Rubber Whip by Ansley Agnello

Adult Books

• Tantric Sex for Women by Carnivalesq

Adult Movies/Porn

• Domestic Discipline by FrzKey
• Layover by J.D. Bauchery
• Kamil Fox by The Porn Librarian
• Nina Hartley’s Guide to Female Ejaculation by Domina Doll on Viviane’s Sex Carnival

Miscellaneous

• Intimo Kitty Kreme Shaving Cream by Thursday’s Child
• Nikki’s Vibration Dual Pleasure Pump by Adriana
• Liberator Fascinator Microfiber Throe by Beautiful Dreamer
• Amazing Hot Heart Massager by Miss KissThis

One of my three rules for good sex is lube is love.

Doesn’t matter what kind of sex you’re having; lube can make it better.

Vaginal, anal, oral, frottage, “titty fucking” – lube.

Masturbating? Sex with yourself? Clicking the five fingered mouse? Ringing southern bells? Crossing the mason dixon line? LUBE.

Fisting (cunt or anal)?  Close to impossible (at least for it to feel good) without lube.

Sinclair posed a question the other day on twitter, about whether anyone enjoyed having fingers/a hand twisted inside them. I do…when there is lots of lube.

I’ve been on allergy medications since I was three years old – I don’t naturally lubricate that much, so lube is pretty much a must have.  And for my partners who do lubricate a lot on their own? Well, I like to have hours long sex sessions.  When you’re fucking someone for over an hour, it doesn’t matter how much natural lube they have – it gets used up, and/or dries out. 

Sex toys, especially silicone ones (only use water based lube with them!) tend to soak up lube as you fuck, so it’s always good to add a little more.

I have lube in my nightstand, on my counter, in my purse. I carry it with my in my 3*3*1 bag on the bloody airplane.  Lube is brilliant.

Silicone lube is great, except not with silicone toys. I especially love it for fucking in the shower. Water based lube is awesome too. When it starts to dry out, often times people add more and more, and then it becomes a gross, sticky mess.  Honestly, all you need is to add more water to reactivate it.  Suggestions? Spit. Pour some water on me (in the name of love). Use a spritz bottle. Use a animal shaped water gun (been there, done that.  Now do you see why I’m a hoot to fuck?). Put your finger over the top of a straw in a glass of water, move towards genitals, release finger (and water).  Anyway you want to, that’s the way to give your water based lube new life.

I suggest glycerin free lube for most people, as glycerin can encourage yeast infections in XX bodied people.  However, some lubes I’ve loved have some glycerin in them, and I didn’t have any issues with them…but I have had an issue with an all natural lube that uses vegetable glycerin. So really, sometimes it’s just luck of the draw.  Most flavored lubes do have glycerin.

NEVER use oil based lubes around vaginas, cunts, mouths or latex. So really, just don’t.

Lubes I love love love:

Eros Bodyglide (silicone based, LOVE it)

Eros/Pur Aqua (water based)

Maximus (water based)

Probe Classic (water based)

Sliquid H2O (water based)

O’My Flavored Lubes (water based)

As a side note…

Recently, WET, a fairly large lubricant company who has partnered with SexToy.com, sent me some lube samples.  I was hesitant to try them, as I’m fairly stuck in my lube ways, but I figured that SOMEONE had to try them, and I knew I’d be 100% honest.

They sent me four types. One is silicone based, two natural (glycerin and paraben free) water based, and one water based flavored.

WET Platinum is silicone based.  It has no smell, and contains no glycerin. It has a good deal of lasting power, although nothing like Eros Bodyglide. I like it, even if it’s not my favorite, and it has earned itself a spot in my purse.

WET Naturals “Beautifully Bare” is water based. It has a slight scent, but it’s kind of pleasant, and is glycerin AND paraben free, so it is body-healthy. Actually, this one surprised me with its staying power – most lubes that do not have silicone and glycerin in them do not have that much staying power, and require lots of water re-activiation. I was pleasantly impressed with this one, although it did eventually kind of soak into me, and at that point, I just went for my familiar and loved lubes.

WET Naturals “Sensual Strawberry” is water based, and like the above lube, it’s 100% glycerin and paraben free. The taste isn’t that bad, and there is no odd aftertaste. Because it’s glycerin free, it’s cunt friendly, so good for oral sex (with or with out a dam/condom). Also snazzy for hand/blow jobs. However, it doesn’t have hardly ANY staying power. Like really, none. Friction and this lube should not mix much, which is really counter intuitive to lube.

WET Kiwi Strawberry is water based and flavored. While it is sugar free, it does contain glycerin, so I wouldn’t put it below the belt…which. Um. Yeah.  Kind of defeats the point. The taste is so-so, but the glycerin after-taste overpowers it. It’s only great quality is that it’s fairly long lasting…but I mean, not really worth it. I’d definitely stay away from this one.

-Essin’ Em

So on my way home the other day, I was viciously attacked by a feral and quite angry Rocky Mountain Octopus.

And by that, I mean that I went to the L3 fetish party, and a certain Ms. S did fire cupping on me.

It felt amazing, kind of like a deep tissue massage, as she put all the cups on me, and then slid them around my back, sucking up more skin and muscle as they went.

L had gone with me (will do a whole fetish party right up soon)…because I wanted her to experience the joys of kink. She totally has both a dominant side and especially a submissive side, and I wanted to see if I could bring it out by playing (and I did!).  Ms. S let L put a few cups on me.  

Then she put a bunch on my ass and legs…and I discovered that by shaking my ass, I could make the glass cups click against each other and make noise. I clacked along to Brick House which was playing. I’m very silly when I play.

It’s been almost a week, and I still have those bruises, although they’re starting to lighten up. SO MUCH FUN.  Did I mention I LOVE temperature play, and especially fire play of any kind?  Can’t wait to try more :0

-Essin’ Em

Vibe Review sent me three products from Natural Contours to check out. Natural Contours is a toy company where the products are designed by femistist sex-positive pioneer Candida Royalle.

The great thing about these products is that all of the battery operated ones come WITH batteries. I mean, how many toy companies do that? Also, they’re fun looking, making it easy to leave them lying around the house/car/hotel without people knowing exactly what they are. If you’re looking for discretion, these toys pretty much accomplish that.  Additionally, they’re small, light weight and non bulky, so I like them for keeping in my purse/travel.

This is the Energie.  It’s a “vaginal barbell” which is designed to help you with your PC/Kegel exercises. Actually, this was the first vaginal toy I ever used to help me with my kegels, and I found it really helpful. In fact, a certain little bird told me that my vagina can crack walnuts. I’d recommend this for kegel beginners and those who are at the intermediate level of vaginal exercising.  If you consider yourself an expert, I’d suggest the Pure Wand, which is great for g-spot stimulation, prostate stimulation, AND kegel exercises.

Ok. I hate pink. We know this.  However, this pink toy is for a good cause – 10% of the proceeds from the sale of the Petite Pink go to Breast Cancer Action. That’s a pretty damn good cause in my mind, and I’m proud to own this pink toy because of this. Like the other Natural Contours toys, it comes with batteries.  It has two settings- low and high.  Now, I personally prefer weapons grade sex toys, so I can’t really get off using it, but it’s certainly nice to play with when with a partner. Also, it makes for easy travel.  For a relatively inexpensive vibrator, it packs a punch.  However, if you want something travel friendly with a little more juice, I’d recommend the Mia vibrator.

This vibrant yellow toy is the Liberte. I like this one because its handle is designed to be easy for a person to use either by themselves or with a partner. Unlike some vibes with short handles that require odd contortions to hold onto them and fuck yourself, I really did appreciate the longer handle. It also made it easier to try different angles to reach my g-spot.  Again, not quite enough vibes to really light my fire, it worked better for me as a dildo than a vibe.

Most of the Natural Contours vibes are great for people who are differently abled – their shapes make them ideal for those who have trouble grasping or holding, as does the light weight material.

These vibes, while not the highest quality, are certainly well priced, thoughtfully made, and give you pretty good bang for your buck.

-Essin’ Em

Jiz Lee recently wrote a post that got me thinking.

The five love languages are familiar to me.

These are the five love languages:

1. Words of Affirmation

2. Quality Time

3. Receiving Gifts

4. Acts of Service

5. Physical Touch

I first learned about the 5 love languages at camp in 8th grade (welcome to smart kid camp). We all wrote our top two ways we best received love on our arms, so that people in our groups understood how to best demonstrate their love for us (again, gifted kid camp).

It’s important that people understand that there is no right or wrong language.  If you feel loved when you receive gifts, this doesn’t mean it has to be diamond rings…it could be cookies, flowers, a book someone thinks you’d like, a hand-me-down that is perfect for you.  Physical touch, while it CAN be sex, it doesn’t have to be.  It can be hugs, cuddling, massages, having your hair stroked. Acts of service can be anything from fixing a washing machine (or bed frame!) to giving you a ride to the airport or picking up a package for you from the post office. Words of affirmation don’t have to be said at a specific time or in a specific way; I love you, you’re beautiful, I enjoy how you make me think, thank you for being in my life.  These are all words of affirmation. And quality time? That can be whatever you make of it.  Strolling through museums, curled up on the couch watching movies, or supporting one another by attending events that are important to you.

I loved the concept, and made of poster of them for the wall in my bedroom. I literally just took it down from my mother’s house the other day while cleaning it out.  I held it, I read it, and I thought about how much I use it in various facets of my life, whether by name or not. Actually, I just had a conversation about the love languages with a woman who is in Vagina Monologues with me. They are everywhere.

It may seem silly, but those five simple ideas have helped me so much throughout my life. I know that Ifeel best loved through physical touch and quality time.  I want people I care about to hold me, to kiss me, to feel me, to touch me. I want them to want to spend time with me.  Walking through the Denver Zoo with Q, going lingerie shopping with my friend in SF, seeing people I love in the audience at my performances; this is quality time for me. Acts of service are hard, because when I’m sick, I want nothing more than soup and tea, and feel loved when people provide them for me…but when I’m not sick, I’m very counter dependent, and have trouble letting people do favors for me.

How do I best show my love? Physical touch, quality, and acts of service like woah fuck. I leave my phone on 24-7, so people I care about can get ahold of me whenever they need me.  I love giving people I love rides, I love helping them with online things, I love supporting them however I can.  I am a touchy-feely person; I give hugs, pets and cuddles like no one’s business. And quality time…? Well, just like I want people I love to spend time with me, equally, I want to spend time with them.

I can give words of affirmation. Usually they are written, although sometimes spoken. But I have much trouble receiving them. Especially from people I love.  I can’t imagine that they actually think I’m beautiful, or brilliant, or witty. I mean, yes, it’s a self-conscious thing, I know that.  And I’ve gotten better at taking compliments. But I still have issues with it.  I also have trouble getting gifts, unless I really know someone. But I do love giving gifts, things I’ve made, things I’ve found while out and about that are perfect for people I care about. So while I can and do show my affection in these ways, they aren’t the go to ways for me, as i have trouble receiving love these ways.

Knowing these things has helped me explain myself to my partners.  I realized when I was presenting my Poly/Relationship Mapping class at Femina Potens last month why having a partner who would bring me soup when I was sick was so important; it’s hard for me to ask for help, and so me asking for soup, and then having it brought to me was a demonstration of love…TO ME. It wasn’t until I was explaining it you all the people at this class that *I* realized why it was so important to me, so how could any of my former partners know how much this mean. When I hop into bed, and someone sleepily puts their arms around me, or strokes my back, I feel loved. When someone arranges to hang out with me, or just shows up wanting to spend time with me, I feel love.  When Monkey and Jen drove hours with 3 kids to come and take me to Fisherman’s Wharf and spend time with me, I felt cared for. When my best friend showed up on my door step the week before Valentine’s Day, as I felt like I lay on my death bed, with a half-gallon of minestrone and a smile, I realized how loved I was.

But also realize that I need to know my friends and partners love languages in order to best demonstrate my love to them, in a way that they understand and accept. I have some friends that are not touchy – I’ve learned this. So instead of telling them they just did an amazing job by giving them a big hug, I have to say it out loud. For some of my friends, they love it when I give them extra sex toys and porn, but are so busy that they don’t have time for quality time.  We have to adapt, and we have to know ourselves, so we can tell the people who love us HOW to best love us.

As usual, it all boils down to communication.  Communication is key, you know the drill :)

In hindsight, I wonder what the good doctor and all the gifted kid counselors would say if they knew how well discussing love languages helped relationships…sexual, kinky, poly and more.

Once in a while, I look back through my LiveJournal…the friends only blog I have kept since 2003 (before that, it was my Free Open Diary). Here is an entry from spring two years ago (2007) that struck me.  It’s about my mental creation of the perfect partner.

As many of y’all know, I’ve had this “perfect partner” list since sophomore year of college. From time to time, I update it. Recently, I’ve updated it quite a bit (you’ll notice that “moondance” and “gummi bear theme song” are no longer on there, and that there are a few additions). Enjoy my weirdness. 

The Perfect Significant Other (should there ever be such a thing):

*Never has been incarcerated

*Not married/divorced

*No children, doesn’t want me to bear children

*Not verbally, emotionally or mentally abusive

*Is pro-choice

*Likes cats

*Will take spiders outside for me so I can sleep alright

*Gives good back massages

*Can make at least one good vegetarian meal (w/o ordering take out)

*Occasionally eats dessert first

*Is capable of deep, intellectual discussions

*Enjoys the rain (singing, dancing, romping in it is a plus)

*Can quote Monty Python, End of the World, Summoner Geeks, etc.

*Reads. A lot.

*Enjoys a variety of music , with at least some overlap with mine

*Likes to cuddle AND snuzzle

*Spends a good amount of time on breasts (not a ‘radio-dial’ nipple person)

*Accepts my body as is (bonus points if s/he accepts his/her body as is too)

*Not a hair sniffer

*Good Kisser (biting/nipping of lower lip a plus), or be trainable

*If s/he gives hickies, s/he does so BELOW neck line

*Can stay up all night with me, talking

*Plays with my hair

*Acknowledges ‘us’ in public, but not into clingy PDA

*Roughhouses

*Is chill with driving around at 3am (to IHOP, VI or others diners = a plus)

*Leaves little notes to be found

*Leads me through big crowds

*Not an addictive personality

*Gives good, tight hugs WITHOUT the back patting

*Explains what s/he means when asked

*Laughs with me (and occasionally at me)

*Is creative (with things s/he does, dates, gifts, etc – none of the super traditional stuff)

*Doesn’t use baby talk or sketchy names (like Snugglebunny, or Booboobear)

*Abides to mutually agreed upon rules regarding other partners, etc

*Accepts my views, even if they differ from hers/his (religiously, politically, socially, etc)

*Makes me feel protected and cared for

*Ok with random nudity (RHPS, my car after 2am, after being in bed, etc)

*Believes in the existence of and works against sexual assault and domestic violence

*Understands and supports my sexual orientation

*Can and will read porn with me and discusses it

*Doesn’t have to spoon/cuddle ALL night long (gives space)

*Is ok with me having other (fe)male friends w/o getting jealous

*Doesn’t live with parents, has no job, and no transportation (1 out of 3 is ok)

*Is totally ok with my choice of profession in the field of sexuality

*Is not homophobic, transphobic, racist, chauvinistic, fatphobic, etc.

*Is not upset about my hair colors, piercings, tattoos, etc (enjoys them = a plus)

*Sexually experimental and open minded – not super vanilla

*Is not creeped out by my love for black roses, murder mysteries, etc

*Is communicative in all regards, including sex

It’s interesting how many things have changed since I originally made this list in 2003 (when I was still fairly certain I would end up with a cisgender male as my life partner in a monogamous relationship).  And how many things have changed since 2007.  And how many things have stayed the same this entire time.

Many of these things seem silly to have to say out loud, but many of them are based off of experiences I’ve had.  People I was with who perpetuated rape culture, even if they themselves did not commit sexual assault. People whose idea of communication was either leaving the situation, or spouting off cult like BS. People who have told me I’d be so pretty, if only I was a little thinner.  Hell, did I mention that F spent the night in jail a few weeks ago? 

I don’t really need to keep updating this list. I have one in my head of the truly important things, and everything else will drop into place. However, I think it’s important to see where we’ve been to help guide where we’re going. And this, gentle readers, is a piece of my past.

-Essin’ Em

I love porn.

Obviously.  I mean, have you “met” me?

I especially love sex-positive porn. Ethical porn. Queer porn. Feminist porn. I love what it stands for, I love the open mindedness. I love how they push boundaries, break boundaries, explode boundaries. I love the realness. The amusingness. The politicalness. And oh yes…the hot sex is pretty fucking fabulous too.

But one thing I love the most is that many people in porn are giving back. And to thank them for giving back, I’m going to pay it forward with a little link love.

Tony and Peggy Comstock of Comstock Films had a day where all monies made on sales of their amazing films went to the No on Prop 8 campaign.

Pink and White Productions, and their brilliant director/producer/visionary Shine Louise Houston did a similar fundraiser for No on Prop 8. Moreover, Shine put forth a video beseeching people to vote no, and adding a personal connect. 

Madison Young uses some of the money she makes doing a variety of hot porn (queer, kink, and even some mainstream) to run a queer/feminst Artist Collective/Galley thing. Femina Potens to be exact.  What a creative way to give back.

I remember the first time I saw Belladonna outside of fucking on screen – she was doing a video blog talking about the importance of EVERYONE getting tested for STIs.  One of the biggest names in porn, taking the time to speak about something so important.

Shawn (aka Syd Blakovich) is working on designing programs teaching young women (including those in disempowered communities) martial arts. While this is not giving back specifically to the sexuality community, it is giving women a voice, a passion, an art, and empowerment.  I think that’s amazing.

On my tour of Kink.com‘s Armory, I was told that they are working on creating a community center. I don’t know much more about this, but it is a great way to use some of that extra space they have to give back.

Tristan Taormino is a porn person who does so much. Not only has she also done fundraising for various causes, but she is also a voice for so many sexuality communities.  Her sexuality educator (speaking, workshops, writing, etc) is an amazing way of giving back to the community.

HotMoviesForHer.com will always have a warm and fuzzy place in my heart…but they have one in the community’s heart as well. From using there large viewership to blog about important issues in the community to helping sponsor the NYC Sex Blogger’s calendar, they are all over giving back. Special shoutouts to J.D. Bauchery and the Porn Librarian.

I’m sure there are more, many many many more.  So please, comment. Share. Tell us all how people in porn are giving back…in a variety of ways.  I’d love to hear it.

And to all y’all people in porn who ARE giving back, who ARE supporting causes and communities, thank you. I cannot say it enough. Thank you.

-Essin’ Em

I’ve been in the Vagina Monologues three times before.

In 2003, I was a narrator.  ”Hurry nurse, bring me a vagina…STAT!”

In 2004, I did The Flood. Think Jewish grandmother using humor to deflect her pain. “Down there? I haven’t been down there since 1953. No, it has nothing to do with Eisenhower.”

In 2006, I did Hair. I really don’t like parts of this, as one of the lines is “You cannot love the vagina unless you love hair.”  I found this to be kind of judgmental…but I also understand the importance of the monologue.

I have always had three favorite monologues.  Reclaiming Cunt. My Angry Vagina. And The Woman Who Loved To Make Vaginas Happy. I wanted to do these so badly, and was upset my senior year of college when I didn’t get any of them.  In graduate school, the production didn’t happen at my university, so I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to get a chance to do any of them.

This year, I’m performing as the Woman Who Loved to Make Vaginas Happy. I’m of course very excited about doing this monologue, but even more so, I’ve realized that *this* is the right time for me to do it.

In college, I wouldn’t have understood many of the nuances of the piece.  I hadn’t worked with sex workers, and for sex worker rights. I hadn’t worked as a sex worker. I didn’t understand all the different types of moans. In fact, I’d never had an orgasm with a partner at that point, only on my own. I didn’t understand the clit moan versus the vaginal moan. I didn’t get how to find a moan over a woman’s jeans. I hadn’t had the pleasure of being partially responsible for finding someone’s moan. I hadn’t experienced the joy in bringing someone to climax over and over again. I’d never had a surprise triple orgasm. I’d never dominate anyone.

In the last three years, I’ve changed and grown so much…in life, in the field of sexuality, in my own sexual identity.

I couldn’t have done this monologue justice in college. I wouldn’t have been able to connect with it, to feel it, to embody it.

My friend once told me that the joy of the Vagina Monologues is that you always get the right monologue at the right time. I can’t say for certain this has been true in the past, but it certainly is for me now.  I most definitely got the right monologue at the right time.

-Essin’ Em

My sexy kitchen set is up on NoFauxxx.com.  Want to see me as a rockabilly chick, figuring out ways to entertaining myself in the kitchen?  Sign up here! We did this set for Valentine’s Day…and I mean seriously, fuck Valentine’s Day – wouldn’t you rather watch me fuck myself???

Also, you can win a 3-month membership to NoFauxxx by entering my giveaway. It’s worth it folks – you can see me, and a plethora of other hot people (Jiz Lee, Syd Blakovich, Madison Young, Trouble, Kimberly Kane, Anna the Nerd, Judy Minx and more!) naked (and nekkid).

I love the pin-up style. Animal prints, polka dots, reds and black.  I love that this style/culture, you can be a curvy woman, and people actually enjoy your curves, instead of wanting you to cover it up.

Shooting with Trouble while I was visiting San Francisco was an absolute blast.  She (and her animals) were a ton of fun, and other than accidentally turning on the stove with my ass at one point, the shoot was awesome, and I would do it again in a second. NoFauxxx is sex-positive, queer positive, body positive, feminist, ethical, and just a really great site. I completely support them.

So go forth, join the amazing NoFauxxx.com community. Check out the site, contribute in the forums, and oh yes, enjoy some pictures of me masturbating in the kitchen with my Mia vibrator.

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!

-Essin’ Em