Sexuality Happens

Photo by Ken Norcross

I’ve always been single on February 14th.  My very first boyfriend and I broke up on Valentine’s Day, in 2002.  The plus side? I got to keep the Orson Scott Card books I’d gotten him, and started getting more into fantasy/sci-fi books.  Since then, I’ve never been in a relationship on Valentine’s Day. And you know, that’s ok.

For all of you in satisfactory/satisfying relationships; Happy Valentine’s Day! Keep on with the love and caring and hot bunny sex.

For all of you in unsatisfactory/unsatisfying relationships: You deserve more, you deserve better, you *can* be happy alone, or happy with someone else. Don’t keep on keeping on because it’s the only thing to do (or because the sex is that damn good…you will find more good sex!). You have to free yourself to be yourself.

For all of you, like me, in no relationship (other than the ones with my kitties!): Happy Single’s Awareness Day! You know, I started to celebrate this back my first year of college with my roommate. We made sweatshirts together, went and bought all the now discounted V-Day candy, and made beautiful silk flower vases for ourselves and wrote notes to go with them from secret admirers…written hilarious romance novel language of course. When I first started celebrating, I always though of it as sad…S.A.D even, that I couldn’t find someone to be with on V-Day. However, since then, I’ve realized that much of the time, it is far better to be alone, and to be who you truly are, and to love yourself, than it is to be in a relationship just to say you’re in a relationship. I mean, I can buy myself dinner, chocolate, flowers, you name it…but I can I never buy myself my pride, my personality, my time.

I have only date three people in the past three years. Now, this may sound like a lot for those of you who have been with the same person(s) for a long period of time, but given that only about 13 or 14 of those 36 months were spent in relationships of any kind, it’s really not that much.  I have trouble finding people to date…but I suppose that if I had tried hard enough, played the numbers game, eventually, I could have found more people.

But I never found anyone that liked me for me; they always asked if going to school for human sexuality meant that I had blow job/pussy eating classes, or working for HotMoviesForHer.com meant that I was a porn star. Some asked me when I was going to dye my hair a normal color, others wanted to know why I didn’t have more tattoos. Many wanted to know if I had plans to lose weight, while one or two fetishized as a BBW. I didn’t want to date anyone that didn’t see me as me, and accept me as such. 

Being single for so much of the past few years has really helped me to get to know me for me. Not who I needed to be to get a date, or not me as part of a couple, but who *I* really am, and what *I* want and need. I will not ever date someone again who is using me until they find someone better (been there, done that). I will never date someone again who is in love with the idea of being in a relationship, but not in love with me (been there, done that, he was institutionalized…woohoo). I will never again date someone because I am so desperate to be “normal,” to “be loved,” or “to have someone to wake up next to.” (Yeah, I’ve been dumb, I know.) I will never again stay in a relationship longer than I should for whatever stupid reasons I create.

I will only date someone because they like *me* and I like *them*. Not some idea of me, or a relationship, and not some idea of them.

I hope everyone who reads this realizes that single is not the horrible thing that all the chocolate, diamond, hotel, etc, companies try to make it out to be. It isn’t. It is about being who you are, discovering yourself, and becoming empowered. We live till 80 or 90; ain’t nothin’ wrong with spending a good deal of that time with the most important person in your life: YOU (and hey, that’s what vibes are for, right?)

I present on relationship mapping sometimes.  I talk about having primary, secondary and tertiary partners.  And you know what I’ve discovered? I am my OWN primary partner. I dedicate so much time, love, emotion and resources to myself. That’s how it should be. I’m happy to be my own primary partner.

So Happy Single’s Awareness Day. I’m single, I’m aware, and I’m just fine and dandy with it. Not to say that if the right person/people came along, I wouldn’t give it a try, but for now, I’m really ok with where I’m at. And I hope you are too.

Now go enjoy yourself…and if you’re like me, eat some chocolate for the hell of it!

Oh! I have an announcement. My derby wife, P. B. Arlene, and I are getting married tonight at the Shoppe (with 3 other derby wife couples). NO. Not really legal married. I’ll be wearing an amazing Cindi Lauper inspired outfit, and she’s be rocking the 80′s prom dress.  Cupcake wedding cake. Goody bags for guests with gift certificates for cupcakes, derby swag, and other fun things.  Ring pop rings.  My lovely wife is making me a red and black sparkly veil (can you tell how well she knows me?). I can’t think of a better way to celebrate February 14th…and given my thoughts about marriage, it’s likely the only time I’ll ever get married.  

A few people have asked me where I’m registered…well, amazon, lots of sex toy places, and paypal to help me pay for rent and travel.  Want to get me a wedding present because you’ve got some extra cash lying about? All the links are in my side bar (unless you want to get me kitchen supplies for my fetish, a jaguar (the cat), a queer gang bang, or an Njoy Eleven – in that case, please comment or email me for my address!).

Here is the invite she designed:

Ok, NOW that’s all. Mazel tov!

-Essin’ Em