Living Alone
I have mentioned, multiple times, on this blog, how important it is to me to find a partner who doesn’t want to “U-Haul” which is a modern (and mostly dyke-centric) verb for wanting to live together, usually within a short time frame of the onset of the relationship.
I’ve had quite a few people (a number that surprised me, actually), ask me what kind of odd relationship I was looking for if I didn’t want to live together. Some phrased it differently, asking me if I was ready for a “real” relationship if I didn’t want to live with someone (as compared to the fake, living apart relationships?), and a few told me in no uncertain terms that CLEARLY, I was just looking for sex. I’ve decided to clarify things.
I DO want a relationship. Possibly more. I don’t know the difference between real and fake relationships, but I’ve never lived with (or wanted to live with) any of my past partners, and I’d qualify those as “real” relationships. And while I do want sex (very much so, and much of it), I’d also like something that is, at the very least occasionally, more than “just” sex.
*Gasp!* How can this be? Someone who doesn’t want to live with someone?
Well, I take that back. With the right, long term partner, in the more so future, I could see living in a three bedroom house. One room would be mine (probably a library with wall to wall built in bookshelves, lots of red, black and leopard print furniture, and a daybed like thing). One would be theirs (whatever THEY wanted — a woodshop (oh please oh please oh please), a sewing room, a yoga room, a green room, etc). The third would be our bedroom.
And now that I think about it, if we were renting, I COULD see a two bedroom…one room being mine, the other theirs.
Otherwise. No. No. No.
Let’s break this down. Right now, I really like where I live (off street parking, indoor 24-7 pool/hot tub, workout room, pool table, free cable, etc). I do not want to move. So the solution most people would suggest (should I end up in a relationship) would be to have them move in with me.
But see, I like my space. I like my alone time. I am a night owl (obviously), and I’ve never found anyone with the same schedule, and I know I’d wake them up. I like running around my apartment naked all the time. I have a lot of stuff….I still have unpacked boxed of books because there isn’t enough room. What would I do if someone moved in with their own stuff? I’ve never relished this idea, but after watching my best friend go through moving in with her boyfriend, and having to put about 75-80% of her stuff in storage, so that they’d fit into his condo, I’ve decided that I’m not ready to have two people living in an already live in one bedroom. Fuck that.
As for getting a place together? While more economical that two separate places, a) we’d both have to wait until our leases were up, which isn’t likely to occur at the same time, and b) agree on a place. Should all that happen, and we move in together, what happens lease wise when we break up? I mean, my longest relationship is six months…do I really want to set myself up for this?
Other reasons I like having my own place:
*When I’m sick, I don’t have to get my partner sick – I just retreat (vice versa)
*I have cats. Most people I’ve dated had pets. Sometimes, this is harder than melding families with children.
*I am messy. Not dirty (I sweep, mop, vacuum, wash dishes, take out the trash, etc), but messy. Sometimes my place looks like a tornado hit it…now, I know where everything is, but I’m also the only one who has to deal with it.
*I am not a morning person. Ever.
*I am a vegetarian. Only one person I’ve dated has been. While I have no qualms dating a meat eater, I prefer not having meat cooked in my pans. I had a roommate once who let meat go bad in the fridge regularly, and I had to deal with it. Never again.
*I’m OCD about weird things. My books are in alphabetical order…within genre. I clean out the fridge weekly. I have to sleep on the right side of the bed. Why would I subject someone else to that?
*My last few relationships have, thankfully, been open relationships. It is very hard to get it on with another person (other than your primary), when you live together, and have one bedroom. Not impossible, but definitely difficult.
*I like to cook for my partner(s) when they stay over…pumpkin pancakes in the morning, all sorts of things in the evening. If they’re in a hurry, I make them tea in a travel mug, and stick a granola bar in their pockets. It loses its cuteness/sweetness if it happens all the time.
*I LIKE alone time. It’s much harder to get when, you know, you’re rarely alone.
So you see, I think I have excellent reasoning for not wanting to live with a partner, at least not for a good and fair amount of time. Should I start dating something, and things significantly change, I’m willing to reconsider. But given where I am in my life (I’m not advocating my thoughts for anyone else), living together with someone else…NOT a Samuel Adams.
-Essin’ Em
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Whatever makes you happy. I’m more of a living with others type of person: but we all have our differences. :)
I love your post and your views are very similar to mine about living alone.
And pumpkin pancakes in the morning, I’m spending time at the wrong houses.
I have cohabited with people and don’t mind it in some ways, but I have very much missed my personal space and alone time. I’m a little anal about blocking out individual space even in a shared room (my dresser, my desk, my side of the bed, etc).
While I’m a little less reluctant to live with someone than you are, I completely agree that the three bedroom setup would be ideal. At this point in my life, I think I’d go totally nuts if I didn’t have a place I could go into and close the door. For now, I’m happy to be on my own.
I guess it’s really all about the space you are cohabiting in , as well as if your needs and your partner’s complement each others in a way that doesn’t create issues. I know one poly couple where when the wife had a bf over the hubby would find sleep space in another room and he would cook them both breakfast in bed *smile*.
That’s not to say I don’t hear you, or that finding the right person/space is easy, but it can certainly happen.
Jerry
What a great post!
You’re not as odd as you think, though. I know a lot of people in traditional relationships who think that way. My grandparents lived in separate houses and my parents haven’t shared a bedroom in 20 years.
I am head over heels in love with my girlfriend but we both decided to wait before moving in together. This May, after 2 years of living on my own, she will move in with me. I am now totally ready for it in a way that I just wasn’t a year ago. I think you should be very selfish about taking your time with it. Moving in together is big.
After 8 years of living with a partner who I then married, and thank goodness, divorced – I am FINALLY living by myself. Yes, the kids are here half the week, but the rest of the time WAHOO! I can play my music without criticism, eat what I want, not clean up after others, the list could go on forever.
I had a lover stay with me for 6 days a couple of weeks ago. Sure, lots of great sex on demand, and we didn’t really argue – but – all of those little things I like do to home alone (music) suddenly gone. I didn’t even get to watch the SMALL number of television shows I actually enjoyed.
Point being: Stick to your guns girl. Live your life the way you want to and if people don’t like it they don’t have to be in your life. :)
Well there’s nothing wrong or fake about what you’re talking about. BUT, I do think that there is an element of truth to the idea that you’re not ready for a certain type of relationship. Maybe you never will be, and that’s not horrible. But, and maybe people will get mad at me for using this analogy, but I think that’s the difference between being interested in dating and being interested in marriage. I’m not talking legal marriage. I just mean, molding your life together with another person, believing/hoping it will last indefinitely. And wanting to compromise. Which I think is the big difference here. You don’t want to compromise–again, that’s not bad. It’s your apartment, it’s perfectly reasonable that you want it to stay the way it is. But it is simply a different level of commitment.
I’ve lived alone for eight years now and i can’t imagine it any other way. i don’t think I could live with another person at all at this point. like you, I’m a night person and keep a different schedule, like a lot of space to myself, and treasure my alone time. Selfish as it sems, I’m totally the same way.
I don’t see why a relationship would be any less valid if you weren’t living together. That’s just silly.
I’m very much the loner type and really don’t like living with partners. I have had some very good luck over the years with roomies, but mostly I love to live alone.
Before we split up, my partner and I slept in separate bedrooms and if not for the kids, we would have slept in separate homes. I am almost certain, that had we not lived together, we would still be together. As it is, we barely tolerate each other and that only because we have two kids.
And I know a lot of people who would probably be in much healthier relationships if they were living separate.
“I mean, my longest relationship is six months…”
Wow. I’ve had arguments that lasted longer than that. Then again, I was married.
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Very interesting thoughts – thank you for all of them.