Sexuality Happens

February 19th at 7pm, Hysteria brings you Shanna Katz aka Essin’ Em. Shanna will be presenting Basics of Poly and Relationship Mapping workshop. This workshop is primarily a lecture and discussion on the ideas of polyamory, open-relationships, non-monogamous relationships, etc. In addition to talking about what poly is (and what it can and does mean to different people), we’ll go over the basic types of relationships that people have (primary, secondary and tertiary) in their lives, how we can map them, patterns to look for, and what we can get out of these maps. We’ll also discuss communication and negotiation with your partners, mediation, and what to do when one or more of you is feeling hurt. Come open minded, and prepared examine your own relationship(s). Workshop is $10.

To register, call (303) 733-3373.

Or show up on the 19th to:

Hysteria

www.hysteriashop.com

114 S. Broadway Denver, CO 80209

Shanna Katz (aka Essin-Em) is a kinky, queer, non-monogamous, feminist, politically active, sex-educator Femme, with a bit of twisted sense of humor. Her sexuality blog “Sexuality Happens” can be found at www.Essin-Em.com. She spends her time pondering sex, sexuality, the gender spectrum, non-traditional relationships, sex toys, erotic writing, queer sexuality, new definitions of feminism and more.

She has a Master’s in Human Sexuality Education, and does work both online and face-to-face, educating people in a variety of ways about a variety of subjects. She has done trainings, workshops and written curricula for numerous universities including SUNY-Purchase, Colorado College and Princeton University, and has presented at the Planned Parenthood Association of Bucks Country (Doylestown, PA), Passional Toys (Philadelphia, PA), Femina Potens (San Francisco, CA) and S.E.X. PhD (Denver, CO). In her free time, she’s a mother to her kitties Kinsey and Kali, and is a roller derby referee for the Denver Rollers Dolls. For more information on Shanna, go to ShannaKatz.com.

I trust you all remember my sweet cat Athena, who I lost back in December. She had an undetected heart murmur and despite the vet’s best efforts, and my own selfishness in wanting her with me, I eventually had to tell them to stop trying to revive her, and to let her move on.

I spent most of yesterday at the animal hospital with my new cat Kali. She’d been throwing up whole pieces of dry food all morning, and then starting throwing up water and liquid.  The vet I called was very worried, so I brought her in.  X-rays showed that her intestines are piling up on themselves, which is usually indicative of a blockage.  The ER was (by this time) on “emergency hours” and couldn’t do an ultra sound until the next day.  The vet put her on fluids for 90 minutes until they closed, and told me to bring her back in the AM.  They will take more x-rays, and probably send me for an ultrasound…if it hasn’t gotten better, or has gotten worse, they will need to operate. If it’s any better, then she has to stay there for a day or two on fluids (she keeps throwing up, so can’t keep anything down), and then they’ll re-evaluate from there.

I am in debt. I’ve been jobless (like many people) for six months, despite applying for almost 400 positions.  I hurt my ankle in July, and paid thousands out of pocket for that.  I just got a $650 MRI bill for my knees. I’m terrified of losing my apartment in a month or two. Athena’s care cost over $1000.

All that, I could handle. I have cut down on everything I can think of. I’m eating ramen and store brand pasta for most meals.

However, this is the life of a family member. I have no partner(s). I don’t get along with my mother and sister. My father died when I was 13, my grandmother and uncle died in 2008. My aunt and uncle and five cousins live in Israel, my grandfather has had 3 heart attacks and lives in Florida. I don’t ever want children. My cats ARE my family.  We spend large amounts of time together, we have disagreements, but we also have unconditional love for each other.  So to me, saving Kali is like saving my child.

No, the shelter will not pay for the surgery – they had a 14 day health policy, it has been long than that. No, my mother will not help me out.

No, I am not doing this just for me.  Kali, according to the vet, is not in any pain, except when her stomach is pressed on. She is still active, running around the apartment with her satellite-like plastic collar to keep her from biting her catheter.  She’s actually cuddling with me right now as I write this. Her temperament has not changed one smidgen.  If it is a blockage, once it’s removed, she should be absolutely fine.  No residual medical issues, no tubes, no medication. Her quality of life would be back to normal.  So no, I’m not just hanging onto her for me.

I know many people are in my position financially. I completely understand.  However, if you have a few spare bucks…even just a few dollars, I’d really appreciate your help. I’ve done my absolute best to keep this blog 100% free. Yes, I have affiliate programs, but I don’t let advertisers post all over my page, though goddess knows I need the money. I try to do lots of cool contests and giveaways to give back to YOU, my readers. I will do my best to always keep my morals and ethics as part of my blog, and to give back. However, I spend much time on my blog – writing, reading, tweaking things, etc.  If you don’t like cats, but like what I have to say, that’s a good reason too. Anything would help at this point. Here is the button to click through to paypal.

I know this may seem silly to some, going further into debt (keeping in mind that I never carried a balance on a single card until October 2008, and that I had enough money for a down payment on a house last year until I decided to move back to Denver) for a cat. That’s fine.  But I cannot emotionally handle losing another one of my babies. Not two months apart. I cannot do that.  So I will do everything I can to save her. And even if (cross your fingers) she doesn’t need the surgery, there are still hundreds I owe from today, more from tomorrow, and Athena’s debt. I own my debt, it is my own. However, if you love cats, and me (or at least my writing), I’d love any help you can give.

I am not the biggest fan of the majority vibrators. It’s just true.  I am a tried and true Hitachi fan…and I love the Lelo vibes…but other wise, I’ve been pretty unimpressed.  Also, I hate pink. With a vengence.

Ergo, the Opus was not the right toy to send me.

It’s made out of TPR silicone, which means that while it *is* phthalate free, it is NOT sterilizable (which means you need to use condoms with it if you want to share it with partners), and it still smells like death. Granted, I left it out on my kitchen counter for a little more than a month, and most of the smell dissipated.  However, I really don’t think anything you put inside you should smell bad, at all, at any point.

Putting the batteries in was a bit of a challenge, but I did figure it out eventually. I’ve really gotten spoiled using toys that plug in or are rechargeable, but I guess I have to go back to the battery style toys at some point.

I did like that the bullet was in the tip, as compared to the base — it made it good for both clitoral stimulation and for vaginal/g-spot stimulation.  It had a fair amount of vibration, especially for taking AA batteries, but honestly, it was nothing super special.

I had some issues with trying to fuck myself with the Opus, as I kept accidentally hitting the button on the bottom of it that made it go through the three vibration levels…turning it off at some, well, untimely times.

Honestly, I was pretty unimpressed by this vibe. Yes, it’s phthalate free, and that’s certainly better than a  vibe with phthlates in it…but it still smells bed, you still can’t sterilize it, and it’s pink.  And turns off when it shouldn’t. 1.5 stars out of 5.

VibeReview has lots of toys which are way nicer, prettier, more environmentally friendly, and smell less. Check them out.

-Essin’ Em

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #160? Submit a link to your best post of the week by emailing me directly at radicalvixenatgmaildotcom Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks

The Annual Anti-Valentine’s Day Posting: 2009 Edition

“Ahh, Valentine’s Day. Sigh.”

Exposed

“We talk a lot about putting me on display, and it was even more intense in reality as it has been in fantasy.”

Yes

“At the edge of the precipice, my nerves rippling with electricity, i tumbled down into you”

Sugasm Editor

Sex Work And Compassion: A Call From Baghdad

Editor’s Choice

Stairwell

More Sugasm

Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

Jackie Martinez (#11467) by mark sebastian used under a Creative Commons License

Pleasurists is your round-up of the adult product reviews that came out in the last seven days from bloggers all around the sex blogosphere. Did you miss Pleasurists #15? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists #17? Submit it here before Sunday February 22nd at 11:59pm PST. Please re-post this list on your own blog if listed.

Want to win some free swag? All you’ve got to do is enter.

• NoFauxxx.com Membership Giveaway. Deadline: Feb 28th.

On to the reviews…

Editor’s Pick

• Tantus Beginner Ball Gag by Sleeping Dreamer

While I’ve never been heavily into BDSM, this little gag has provided me with a big opportunity (and not just a photo opportunity for you fine folks!) but the opportunity to explore outside of my comfort zone.

Includes some pretty pictures of the gag itself and the gag in action!

Madame Editrix

Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek

Vibrators

• Japanese ‘G’ Spot Velvet Touch Squirmy by Sleeping Dreamer
• I-Vibrator Egg by Sarah
• Paris Duckie by Adriana
• Petite Pink Ribbon by HotMoviesForHer Sex Toy Crew
• Elastomer Rabbit Habit by Ansley Agnello
• Berman Center Juliet by Thursday’s Child
• Tease and Please by Bad Bad Girl
• Vibrating Glass Cobalt Nubby by Miss KissThis
• Bnaughty by Kyle
• Tantus Delta by Bad Bad Girl
• Aphrodite by Catalina Loves
• Natural Contours Ideal Massager by Domina Doll on Viviane’s Sex Carnival

Dildos

• Blueberry Twist Juicer Glass Dildo by Sleeping Dreamer
• Energie by HotMoviesForHer Sex Toy Crew
• Indigo Intruder by Ansley Agnello
• Chocolate Chip Glass Dildo by Jezebelle
• Curve by Carnivalesq
• Beaded Glass Dildo by That Toy Chick

Lube/Massage Oil/Bath Stuff

• Toy Fluid by Ansley Agnello
• WET Naturals by Sommer Marsden
• ID Jucy Lube 10 Pack by Erin Leone
• Afterglow Candle

BDSM/Fetish

• Bondage Tape by Marla Singer
• Black Leather Whip by Erin Leone
• Strict Leather Bullhide Flogger by Bad Bad Girl
• Nipple Suckers by Domina Doll

Adult Books

• Sex, Magick and Spirit: Enlightenment through Ecstasy by Domina Doll on Viviane’s Sex Carnival

Adult Movies/Porn

• Corsetry La Femme Part 1 by The Porn Librarian
• Lesbian Life – Real Sex San Francisco (Scene 3) by J.D. Bauchery
• Domination Nakite by FrzKey
• Nina Hartley’s Guide to Sensual Submission #1: How to Submit to a Man by Curvaceous Dee

Storage

• Tunti Illuminated Boudoir Toybox by Essin’ Em

Miscellaneous

• Smartballs by Erin Leone
• Kama Sutra Intensifying Gel – Cooling by Jezebelle
• Shunga Secret Garden Cream by Epiphora

I love vaginas. I love women. I do not see them as separate things. Women pay me to dominate them, to excite them, to make them come.

Sound like something I’d say? It will be.  It’s from the piece I’ll be doing in the Vagina Monologues, entitled The Woman Who Loved To Make Vaginas Happy (so fitting).

I’ve been involved in the Vagina Monologues before…three times before.  I will be involved in them again, as many times as I possibly can.  The Vagina Monologues are part of the V-Day Campaign.

What is the V-Day Campaign? The V-Day Campaign is a catalyst for mobilizing women and men to heighten awareness about violence against women and girls. By creating this global community, V-Day strives to empower women to find their collective voices and demand an end to the violence that affects one in three women in the U.S and around the world.

I am involved in this not because I am a theater nerd, and feel the call of the stage. I am involved in this not because I’m excited to moan and orgasm in front of tons of people.

I am involved in this because every day, there is violence perpetrated against women and girls. In Colorado, in the US, all over the word. Against cisgender women, against transwomen, against children.  Some of the violence is obvious; it’s physical violence, it’s genocide, it’s rape.  Some of the violence is less obvious; it’s girls not having the same educational opportunities, it’s the pay gap between what women get paid and what men get paid, it’s the sexism perpetuated against women in offices, schools, sporting events, etc.  I will do my absolute best to continue to be involved in this until the violence stops.  And if it never does, neither will I.

Please come hear the stories of women, of girls, of vaginas. Come Reclaim Cunt with us, come cry tears with us, come laugh out loud with up. Come support women. Come.

That’s all.

The Vagina Monologues will be playing in Boulder, Colorado on February 27th and 28th at the St. Julian Hotel, 900 Walnut Street, and March 10th at Boulder Theater, 2032 14th Street. All three shows are at 8pm.  To purchase tickets for the February shows, order them here. To get tickets for the March show, visit the Boulder Theatre. I hope to see you and your friends there.

-Essin’ Em

I have a rule – I only have good sex. I mean, yes, it can be amazing, mind blowing, ridiculous, fabulous, etc…but at the bare minimum, it is GOOD sex. Good means that I am happy. I am satisfied. I had fun. I wasn’t thinking about whether my parking meter was out of time (been there), or about the book I’m reading (been there), or what colors I should paint my nails next (been there too). Good sex is sex I enjoy, that I would like to have again, sex that doesn’t make me want to chew off my own arm to get away. I have decided I will only have good sex from now on.

People always laugh when I say this. They think I’m joking. However, since I have instituted this rule in my life, I have had “not good” sex once, by accident. Over a year ago. Since then, only good sex.

How do I do it?

If I had to provide people with my sexual manifesto, there would be three commandments to start out. Follow them, and you too will have good sex.

Commandment I

Communication is key. Thou shall communicate; with yourself and with your partners.

If you cannot talk with the person you’re having sex with, well, why the hell are you having sex with them? You’re opening yourself to them. Tell them what you like, ask for what they need. Find out what they like and need. There is nothing wrong with talking before, during, and after sex. If something feels good, say so. If something doesn’t feel good, tell them what does. Do you want to add toys? Want to be tied up? Love watching porn to get you all kinds of turned on? Communicate with yourself – if you don’t know what you want or need, how can anyone else give it to you? If you need X, Y and Z in order for sex to be satisfying for you, then ASK FOR X, Y AND Z. It seems simple, but we all view ourselves as good communicators…and most of us are, about things that don’t involve sex.

Communicate, and thou shall go far.

Commandment II

Laughter is the fruit of the gods, or something like that. Thou shall laugh, at yourself and at the situations you may be in.

Sex is ridiculous. It is. As hot and bothered as you may get while watching porn (hell, I know I do), take a moment to look at other people having sex. It’s silly, it’s funny, there are odd noises, we made crazy sounds, sometimes we fall off the bed, sometimes the cat jumps on the bed, etc. Sex does not have to be deep and serious – it can be fun and full of laughter. If you cannot laugh with the person who is having sex with you, how can you let them do other things to you?

Laugh, and thou shall be rewarded.

Commandment III

Lube is love. Thou shall use lube, much of it. And then probably, thou shall add some more.

Again, many people think this is a joke. What does lube have to do with amazing sex? For many people, the answer is everything. For people on a variety of medications, they have trouble lubricating naturally (as someone on allergy medication my entire life, I have never been naturally dripping wet). Other people just don’t lube up as much. Some people get dripping wet, but if you’re going to fuck them for an hour or two or three, at some point, their own lube (just like synthetic lube) will dry out. Anuses are not naturally lubricated. Basically, there is almost not situation where a little extra (or a lot extra) lube would not make for better sex. Wetter IS better. And if you have too much (which I’ve NEVER experienced, but hypothetically), you can always wipe it off.

Use lube, and thou shall be be slippery and satisfied.

Follow these suggestions, and good sex is sure to be on your horizons.

Other things I think about sex/sexuality:

*Sex is good. It is not a negative thing, or anything to be ashamed of. I am reclaiming sex.

*Sex work is a perfectly acceptable career option

*Sexuality Education should include more than prevention and pregnancy talk. Namely, identity, practices, fetishes, kinks, types of relationships, etc.

*Gender is not a binary. Nor should it be a spectrum. Rather, it is an explosion.

*I hate the term “Gold Star Lesbian” – I am a shooting star dyke. Just so you know.

*I think we should start talking about sexuality with children, probably in 2nd grade (age appropriate of course).

*I think identities are sacred. I accept other identities, even if they sometimes don’t make sense to me. I’d never dream of telling someone how to identify, or not identify.

*I love the word cunt.

*I have reclaimed the word slut. I do not think of it as a negative thing.

*We have so much love inside of us, for so many people. There is no “one” – only people we love in different manners.

Photo by Ken Norcross

I’ve always been single on February 14th.  My very first boyfriend and I broke up on Valentine’s Day, in 2002.  The plus side? I got to keep the Orson Scott Card books I’d gotten him, and started getting more into fantasy/sci-fi books.  Since then, I’ve never been in a relationship on Valentine’s Day. And you know, that’s ok.

For all of you in satisfactory/satisfying relationships; Happy Valentine’s Day! Keep on with the love and caring and hot bunny sex.

For all of you in unsatisfactory/unsatisfying relationships: You deserve more, you deserve better, you *can* be happy alone, or happy with someone else. Don’t keep on keeping on because it’s the only thing to do (or because the sex is that damn good…you will find more good sex!). You have to free yourself to be yourself.

For all of you, like me, in no relationship (other than the ones with my kitties!): Happy Single’s Awareness Day! You know, I started to celebrate this back my first year of college with my roommate. We made sweatshirts together, went and bought all the now discounted V-Day candy, and made beautiful silk flower vases for ourselves and wrote notes to go with them from secret admirers…written hilarious romance novel language of course. When I first started celebrating, I always though of it as sad…S.A.D even, that I couldn’t find someone to be with on V-Day. However, since then, I’ve realized that much of the time, it is far better to be alone, and to be who you truly are, and to love yourself, than it is to be in a relationship just to say you’re in a relationship. I mean, I can buy myself dinner, chocolate, flowers, you name it…but I can I never buy myself my pride, my personality, my time.

I have only date three people in the past three years. Now, this may sound like a lot for those of you who have been with the same person(s) for a long period of time, but given that only about 13 or 14 of those 36 months were spent in relationships of any kind, it’s really not that much.  I have trouble finding people to date…but I suppose that if I had tried hard enough, played the numbers game, eventually, I could have found more people.

But I never found anyone that liked me for me; they always asked if going to school for human sexuality meant that I had blow job/pussy eating classes, or working for HotMoviesForHer.com meant that I was a porn star. Some asked me when I was going to dye my hair a normal color, others wanted to know why I didn’t have more tattoos. Many wanted to know if I had plans to lose weight, while one or two fetishized as a BBW. I didn’t want to date anyone that didn’t see me as me, and accept me as such. 

Being single for so much of the past few years has really helped me to get to know me for me. Not who I needed to be to get a date, or not me as part of a couple, but who *I* really am, and what *I* want and need. I will not ever date someone again who is using me until they find someone better (been there, done that). I will never date someone again who is in love with the idea of being in a relationship, but not in love with me (been there, done that, he was institutionalized…woohoo). I will never again date someone because I am so desperate to be “normal,” to “be loved,” or “to have someone to wake up next to.” (Yeah, I’ve been dumb, I know.) I will never again stay in a relationship longer than I should for whatever stupid reasons I create.

I will only date someone because they like *me* and I like *them*. Not some idea of me, or a relationship, and not some idea of them.

I hope everyone who reads this realizes that single is not the horrible thing that all the chocolate, diamond, hotel, etc, companies try to make it out to be. It isn’t. It is about being who you are, discovering yourself, and becoming empowered. We live till 80 or 90; ain’t nothin’ wrong with spending a good deal of that time with the most important person in your life: YOU (and hey, that’s what vibes are for, right?)

I present on relationship mapping sometimes.  I talk about having primary, secondary and tertiary partners.  And you know what I’ve discovered? I am my OWN primary partner. I dedicate so much time, love, emotion and resources to myself. That’s how it should be. I’m happy to be my own primary partner.

So Happy Single’s Awareness Day. I’m single, I’m aware, and I’m just fine and dandy with it. Not to say that if the right person/people came along, I wouldn’t give it a try, but for now, I’m really ok with where I’m at. And I hope you are too.

Now go enjoy yourself…and if you’re like me, eat some chocolate for the hell of it!

Oh! I have an announcement. My derby wife, P. B. Arlene, and I are getting married tonight at the Shoppe (with 3 other derby wife couples). NO. Not really legal married. I’ll be wearing an amazing Cindi Lauper inspired outfit, and she’s be rocking the 80′s prom dress.  Cupcake wedding cake. Goody bags for guests with gift certificates for cupcakes, derby swag, and other fun things.  Ring pop rings.  My lovely wife is making me a red and black sparkly veil (can you tell how well she knows me?). I can’t think of a better way to celebrate February 14th…and given my thoughts about marriage, it’s likely the only time I’ll ever get married.  

A few people have asked me where I’m registered…well, amazon, lots of sex toy places, and paypal to help me pay for rent and travel.  Want to get me a wedding present because you’ve got some extra cash lying about? All the links are in my side bar (unless you want to get me kitchen supplies for my fetish, a jaguar (the cat), a queer gang bang, or an Njoy Eleven – in that case, please comment or email me for my address!).

Here is the invite she designed:

Ok, NOW that’s all. Mazel tov!

-Essin’ Em

Carson, that sexy fox from Crash Pad as well as Lesbian Life: Real Sex San Francisco, has posted a call for help/thoughts/suggestion/conversation/action on the CPS forums. I’m really excited about some of the discussion this will foster.

My suggestion: ArtXXYZ – Queers in the arts.

Here is what she had to say:

Yo Crash Pad peoples and gender radicals. I’m posting this in hopes of harnessing some of the queer creativity that has a habit of exploding all over this website and forum. I work on a magazine that is in need of a new name, and I’d love your input.

The project is run by a small collective of feminist queers producing a magazine hitherto called Art XX- Women in the Arts. We’ve published a whopping one issue and already we are in the throes of “gender dystopia”! Salud!

We titled the magazine ArtXX Women in the Arts, wanting to make a strong statement about an underrepresented gender that crossed the lines of sexuality. We realized that we did so at the price of alienating members of our own community, and compromising our own theories and ideals on the fluidity of gender. We are a magazine for female bodied, female-identified, and trans artists and their (our) many genders- straight girls, femmes, femmebots, andros, fags, fag hags, fag daddies, unicorns, narwhals, etc, etc… In trying to find the words to describe the diversity that we are working to provide a space for, we realized that queer vocabulary is still so very limited. So, we figure it is time to start inventing. We’d love to get your help, input, and creativity in both developing a language that reflects our identities, as well as in finding us a new name.

We are toying with printing an article or a word/ phrase collage of all the different ideas this discussion generates.

Among some of the awesome feedback we’ve gotten so far, I really like what Shawn (who along with Jiz, aka Twincest, is featured in the our first issue. Actually their asses are on the back cover :) posted in reply to our twitter call out- “my vote = g3nder. 3 is a reference to “3rd sex” also a tech nerd subbing digits for letters. blending gender thru technology.”

Also, it has been brought to my attention that I failed to list several critical genders. Namely, lesbian separatist, dudebro, leather-hearted hussy, and bisexuelle… My bad. Oh, and of course the gaygoyles and fagosaurs.

We are trying to wrap this up and rechristen ourselves by Sunday the 22nd, but hope that this dialogue is ongoing. 

Can’t wait to see what folks come up with. You can check out our website at artxxmagazine.com. If you’re shy about posting, you can email edits.artxx@gmail.com.

Thanks! 

-Carson

This video brought tears to my eyes.

Prop 8 is one of the most hateful laws/amendments that has been recently passed. Worse yet, it is now not only banning future same-sex marriages, but the proponents, and evil-in-carnate Ken Starr are trying to nullify all of the thousands of same-sex marriages that have taken place during the months that it was allowed. Couples will be broken up “legally”, rights stripped away, children will have their families torn apart.

This is not about right or left. It’s not about whatever your religious doctrine preaches (sometimes we forget, but there is supposed to be a separation of church and state). It’s not about how many LGBT people you do or don’t know, or whether you approve of the “gay lifestyle” (which doesn’t exist).

It’s not about you or me. Or about gender, orientation, sexuality, or anything like that.

It is about love. Commitment. Caring. Family. Rights. Joy.

Please don’t divorce my friends, my family. Please don’t divorce people I care about. Please don’t divorce those I do know…or those I don’t know.
Please don’t divorce love.

There is enough hate, enough hurt, enough anger, enough strife in this world. Stop trying to stifle love. Stop trying to bury it. Instead, let it grow, let it bloom, let it blossom. 

“Fidelity”: Don’t Divorce… from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

To sign the petition, please go here:

http://www. couragecampaign. org/page/s/divorce

PS. Anyone who even dreams of sending me hate mail or nasty messages about this, please save me the time and energy. This is my belief, my life, my passion, and nothing you can or will say will change my mind. You DON’T have to read my blog.  Thanks.

-Essin’ Em