Sexuality Happens

Once in a while, I look back through my LiveJournal…the friends only blog I have kept since 2003 (before that, it was my Free Open Diary). Here is an entry from spring two years ago (2007) that struck me.  It’s about my mental creation of the perfect partner.

As many of y’all know, I’ve had this “perfect partner” list since sophomore year of college. From time to time, I update it. Recently, I’ve updated it quite a bit (you’ll notice that “moondance” and “gummi bear theme song” are no longer on there, and that there are a few additions). Enjoy my weirdness. 

The Perfect Significant Other (should there ever be such a thing):

*Never has been incarcerated

*Not married/divorced

*No children, doesn’t want me to bear children

*Not verbally, emotionally or mentally abusive

*Is pro-choice

*Likes cats

*Will take spiders outside for me so I can sleep alright

*Gives good back massages

*Can make at least one good vegetarian meal (w/o ordering take out)

*Occasionally eats dessert first

*Is capable of deep, intellectual discussions

*Enjoys the rain (singing, dancing, romping in it is a plus)

*Can quote Monty Python, End of the World, Summoner Geeks, etc.

*Reads. A lot.

*Enjoys a variety of music , with at least some overlap with mine

*Likes to cuddle AND snuzzle

*Spends a good amount of time on breasts (not a ‘radio-dial’ nipple person)

*Accepts my body as is (bonus points if s/he accepts his/her body as is too)

*Not a hair sniffer

*Good Kisser (biting/nipping of lower lip a plus), or be trainable

*If s/he gives hickies, s/he does so BELOW neck line

*Can stay up all night with me, talking

*Plays with my hair

*Acknowledges ‘us’ in public, but not into clingy PDA

*Roughhouses

*Is chill with driving around at 3am (to IHOP, VI or others diners = a plus)

*Leaves little notes to be found

*Leads me through big crowds

*Not an addictive personality

*Gives good, tight hugs WITHOUT the back patting

*Explains what s/he means when asked

*Laughs with me (and occasionally at me)

*Is creative (with things s/he does, dates, gifts, etc – none of the super traditional stuff)

*Doesn’t use baby talk or sketchy names (like Snugglebunny, or Booboobear)

*Abides to mutually agreed upon rules regarding other partners, etc

*Accepts my views, even if they differ from hers/his (religiously, politically, socially, etc)

*Makes me feel protected and cared for

*Ok with random nudity (RHPS, my car after 2am, after being in bed, etc)

*Believes in the existence of and works against sexual assault and domestic violence

*Understands and supports my sexual orientation

*Can and will read porn with me and discusses it

*Doesn’t have to spoon/cuddle ALL night long (gives space)

*Is ok with me having other (fe)male friends w/o getting jealous

*Doesn’t live with parents, has no job, and no transportation (1 out of 3 is ok)

*Is totally ok with my choice of profession in the field of sexuality

*Is not homophobic, transphobic, racist, chauvinistic, fatphobic, etc.

*Is not upset about my hair colors, piercings, tattoos, etc (enjoys them = a plus)

*Sexually experimental and open minded – not super vanilla

*Is not creeped out by my love for black roses, murder mysteries, etc

*Is communicative in all regards, including sex

It’s interesting how many things have changed since I originally made this list in 2003 (when I was still fairly certain I would end up with a cisgender male as my life partner in a monogamous relationship).  And how many things have changed since 2007.  And how many things have stayed the same this entire time.

Many of these things seem silly to have to say out loud, but many of them are based off of experiences I’ve had.  People I was with who perpetuated rape culture, even if they themselves did not commit sexual assault. People whose idea of communication was either leaving the situation, or spouting off cult like BS. People who have told me I’d be so pretty, if only I was a little thinner.  Hell, did I mention that F spent the night in jail a few weeks ago? 

I don’t really need to keep updating this list. I have one in my head of the truly important things, and everything else will drop into place. However, I think it’s important to see where we’ve been to help guide where we’re going. And this, gentle readers, is a piece of my past.

-Essin’ Em