Sexuality Happens

Picture by Raven Sane Productions

About two years ago, I came out as queer. I’d identified as bisexual since I was 17, but I finally realized that the terms pansexual and queer fit me so much better.  I hadn’t had sex with a female bodied person until this time either…lots of making out and groping, but no sex.

So in two years, I’ve discovered a lot about my sexuality overall. I’ve worked hard on taking steps toward figuring out my gender identity and presentation…I’m a fiesty Femme who is allergic to pink, doesn’t wear lipstick, and enjoys packing upon occasion.  I’ve figured out my orientation; I’m attracted to a huge variety of people, and while they tend to be more masculine presenting, and while they tend to have cunts (by a variety of names), I refuse to limit myself in anyway (I kissed an XY guy at new year’s, and I liked it. So there).

I’ve also been extremely lucky in that I’ve had a variety of sexual partners, many of whom have been very open to experimenting and trying new things.

From my Dinah Shore affair, I rediscovered sex, and redefined its meaning. It was the first time I actually LIKED having sex. And wanted to have more and more.  We spend 12-14 hours in bed having sex…got up, went through our day, and did it again the next night. Then we woke up at 8am and had balcony sex. I discovered a lot of my Femme-ness. I started liking sex…A LOT. I discovered I could come with more than clitoral stimulation. I discovered that I loved g-spot stimulation. I discovered that I had quite an exhibitionist streak. I discovered that I am really loud when being fucked properly.

Then there was J. I had so many first with J, and other experiences that weren’t first, but I got to rediscover. I loved sucking his cock. It was my first time getting someone to non-semenally (new word) ejaculate – oh jesus, so fucking hot.  We tried anal fingering of each other…wasn’t my thing. I worked on stretching my cunt a bit (the few times I have had penis-in-vagina intercourse, the guy got sore.  When I had sex at Dinah shore, 2 fingers felt good, and 3 was pushing it)…with J, I got up to 4 fingers (with much time), and it felt good. I discovered how much I like being spanked. I discovered how much I like playing with toys with partners. I discovered how much non-monogamy works for me, so much more than monogamy. I discovered that I really like orgasm control and being made to bed in order to come (I also discovered that I hate gags. Even “breathable” ones. Ugh). I discovered I am really an exhibitionist; restaurants, parking lots, porches, you name it.

When I played with K at Submit, that was probably the most kink experience that I had had to date.  I was pierced, and hit…a LOT. And bitten, REALLY hard (causing hemotomas for a few months). I discovered how much I like having my hair pulled. I discovered that I really like edge play, especially knives. I discovered how cathartic piercing play can be, and that I like that. I discovered that I come that much harder with a hand around my throat. This is when I discovered that I was a lot kinkier than I thought I was. I mean, I knew I was kinky before…but this was now more than just a bondage thing.

With F…well. Let’s see.  Although I’ve always wanted to be fisted, this was the first time I was actually able to have that happen (going from 2-3 fingers to fisting in a year and a half? Hot damn!). I discovered that I like 3 fingers to warm up, and 3 or 4 to come.  I experimented more with breath play…and discovered that I still really like a hand around my throat. I discovered I like topping people a lot more than I thought I did (I’d topped a few people up until then, but never more than once, so it was nice getting to figure things out about what both of us liked). I discovered how much I like wrestling and fighting back. I discovered that I really like exhibitionism, and was frustrated that I didn’t get to play so much on that. I discovered that you need to spell things out when you negotiate open relationships…and that when things go wrong, sometimes they can’t just be fixed. I discovered my more dominant side, and my more submissive side.

With a variety of other partners, I learned other things. With C, I discovered that I really like having my cunt slapped, and can come that way. With my first woman partner, I discovered that I can have breast orgasms. With M (as well as everyone else), I discovered that I am really awkward, and have instituted a 20 minute post-sex get out of jail free rule. With S, I discovered that I *can* in fact ejaculate. With Miss P and S, I discovered that rope can be fun and not boring. With Miss D, I learned that there are different ways of looking at safewords and their use. With Sasha Sappho and Dana and F and another person I topped, I have discovered that I am a very emotional top, and have a way of bringing out deep emotions in people, and some how making them cry (not from pain, but more mentally). I discovered I like forced orgasms. I’ve discovered I like hot wax, and being flogged, and being punched. I discovered that I DO NOT like having my face slapped.  I’ve discovered I love vampire gloves. I’ve discovered I’m not very good at the traditional idea of romance. I’ve discovered that I function much better when I am consistently sexually active…otherwise, I get too horny to function.

I like learning things about myself, and about my partners for that matter.  I tried to learn at least one new thing about myself for every new partner I have, and sometimes I learn a lot more.

I would like to discover more about myself an anal sex. Interestingly (to me), I am much more apprehensive and picky about “losing” my “anal” virginity than I was about my first time having vaginal intercourse.  I feel like I might really like it, or it might be a take-it-or-leave-it kind of deal…but I want to explore. On both sides…I want to get fucked in the ass, and I want to fuck someone else in the ass. This is a goal…but with it will also bring discovery.

I want to explore and discover more about group sex. I kind of had a threesome last year…and would like to have more. I’d also like to be the recipient of a queer gang bang. Lots of cock sucking and spanking and fucking and hair pulling.

I want to discover more about topping men. You’d think I’d be better at this than I am…but I still get really nervous about it…I need to experiment more.

I want to experiment more with fisting, or with having two sets of four fingers inside me.

I am so excited to be at a place in my life where I can grow, and explore, and discover, and learn and change. And I thank all of my partners for being part of that with me…whether we were lovers, long term partners, a one night spiel…I thank you.

I raise my glass to discovery!

-Essin’ Em