Feeling Alone
Remember back last fall, when I wrote a post entitled “Things I Do That Don’t Mean I’m in Love with You?” I kind of wrote it in response to L. I think I scared her, because even though we had stopped dating, we had become friends, and I had done many of the things mentioned in that post.
Well, welcome to my cyclical life. This time, it wasn’t L, but Q. She read my post from a few days ago, about needing to define. She stepped up, and suggested we talked. First, I panicked…you know, when someone you know is not big about having “what is this” discussions and suggests it, and you kind of freak out, because you have a history of that happening and turning into “so, sex has been great and fun, but I’m moving on and not that into it, so thanks and bye.” Anyways, it wasn’t that. And thanks to Natt Nightly for reminding me to breathe and not second guess people. But she did tell me that some of the things I had done had made her nervous. We’re fine now, happy with what is going on, and on the same page. Friends who fuck. Yay.
But I’m frustrated. With myself, and with others. When I am myself, and do the things that come naturally to me, people thing I’m moving too fast/falling in love/doing too much. When I don’t do them, people think I’m using people for sex, or that I’m selfish, heartless and emotionless. When I don’t open up and share many of my emotions, people tell me I am stuck in my head and not in my heart space (F), that I’m cold, that I have trust issues, that I use people for sex. When I try to talk about my emotions, or at least share them somewhat, people tell me I’m oversharing, overstepping boundaries, relying too much on others, highly emotional, high maintenance, etc. Or they take my trust, and then break it.
I feel like I’m a rubber ball, bouncing back and forth. I’m sick of no one “getting” me, of not understanding me. Someone said the other day how nice it is, and how good it feels when you’re “gotten.” She was referring to Butch/Femme identities, but I think it applies over all. The only person in my life who “gets” me, and doesn’t make me feel like I’m doing things wrong at least sometimes is my best friend…I mean, who else suggests dying your hair bright blue to match their wedding colors?
But her aside, I feel like a freak. I have never found a place (in real life, or online) where I fit in. I’ve never found other people like me. I am alone. I’d love a community. But everywhere I go, I feel like I’m messed up until I adjust to fit, until I change myself so that it’s comfortable for other people.
Yeah. That’s it.
-Essin’ Em
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Fuck other people! If they can’t deal with you as you then they’re not worth you making any adjustments for.
But maybe it’s not you and it’s not them and it’s just life. Maybe you just haven’t met anyone you were interested in whose life is going in the same direction as yours, whose relationship needs are going in the same direction, you know? :\
I kinda get what you are saying in this post.
I felt like I would never fit in anywhere, and kept adjusting myself to fit in, in really self-harming ways. Eventually I found out about being able to transition, and felt a bit better. I still wasn’t quite right. Then I found some effeminate fagdyke genderqueer type t-boys and now I feel so incredibly at home.
So I guess that if your ‘place’ is a tiny tiny minority, then maybe it will take you a while to find it. My best friend here in Canberra is a femme-dyke (who loves your blog btw), but she feels like she doesn’t fit in with the lesbians here in Canberra. Its been even harder for her to find a ‘place’ than it was for me, but I think she’ll be ok… and I think that eventually, you too will find your place.
Oh Em,
Thank you again for the fact that you choose to bare your soul to us here. It’s lovely to hear that people feel the same way we do (lonely, different in ways that make people constantly ask us to adjust ourselves, etc.) – even if it doesn’t solve the problem. This just reminded me to be so very thankful for my best friend. I think the problem is more that people need US to change to be more like them so they feel more ok – but our best friends don’t and that’s why they accept us so well. Can we start a training to make more like them? Or a cloning service? Or something?
You’re not alone. My open and loving nature scares people too. The only context in which it doesn’t freak people out is when I teach Martial Arts.
Unfortunately for us, there ARE real people (and fictional characters) that aren’t friendly, or kind, or generous unless they expect something in return. I’ve met a few of them. Some people who have been hurt by these sociopaths protect themselves by pulling in and regarding all open affection/kindness as a potential threat.
I just try not to take their fears personally, and hope that in time, they will see that I am genuine. Sometimes it works. But whoa, I’ve still been hurt pretty badly by people who put that fear on me, and run with it. It seems that the factor that makes or breaks it is my ability to sense this and pull back as needed. And I’m sure you understand that it’s hard to do that when it’s toward someone you’re fucking.
So here’s some solidarity. Don’t lose that wonderful quality – it makes you a better teacher.
I think most people don’t feel as though they fit in, regardless of whether they’re straight, gay, or bi.
Can see, though how people may get confused as to how you feel about them. Try imagining yourself in their shoes – how would you react if someone like you were in their lives and you didn’t understand how they worked?