Ghost from my past
So the other day, I was actually signed onto AIM, shocking us all. I was ALWAYS on in through most of high school, and had it on CONSTANTLY (with creative away messages when I was AFK – away from the computer, in college). I had friends all over the world, and AIM was the easiest and cheapest way to talk to them, all the time. As I hit grad school, I had less and less free time (working full time, part time and going to grad school full time…then add roller derby in there), so I wasn’t on that often. Nowdays, I mostly use g-chat through gmail, although I occasionally sign on to AIM if I want to talk to a specific friend.
The other day, I’d left AIM on. I got an IM from someone whose screen name I didn’t recognize, so I began the conversation. Turns out it was him. The guy that sexually assaulted me. Turns out he lives in Denver now…actually, about five minutes away from me. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Read “Sexual Assault, My Story.”
At first, I was just shocked that he was talking to me. I can’t remember the last time he tried to IM me. Sophomore year maybe? I remember I saw him this year at homecoming, and just froze. He didn’t recognize me. I’m a little taller now, I had red hair at the time, and I have a fuck ton more self-confidence than I had at all in college, especially my first year. But now he was talking to me, telling me he lived near me. It took me a second to figure out what was even going on.
I think he’s one of the guys that doesn’t realize what he did, what happened, how much he has affected my life. There was a video we watched once in college, and this guy talked about how he’d gotten a girl really drunk, how he’d taken her to the special room his frat had for taking drunken and drugged girls, and how he held her down with his arm across her chest as she tried to get away, and how he fucked her. He doesn’t consider himself someone who has ever perpetrated sexual assault. Some guys just don’t get it. I don’t think this one does.
I signed off. And called Q. I didn’t know who else to talk to. F hadn’t been very supportive when I told her about seeing him at homecoming. My best friend was asleep. I needed someone.
At first, I was non-chalant. ”Sorry, I know you’re busy. I didn’t want to bother you. I just was kind of, upset. But I’m fine now.” And then, I started talking. I’d never told her my story…in fact, at our Vagina Retreat, I’d realized that she was the first person I hadn’t told about my assault before we had sex. I thought that was a good sign, that I was healing more, moving on. But here I was, pouring out my heart to her. Less than 4 days after our “not looking to be girlfriends, but let’s be friends who fuck” talk. I sat there, tell her, through my tear (oh yes, he can still make me cry) how I was terrified I’d run into him at the store, or I’d be in the park and then he’d be there, and what would I do? Calmly, she told me I’d turn and walk away. That I could do that. I cried more, explaining that I was so angry there was nothing I could do now. I hadn’t reported him when I was 17…I didn’t know I could, and it took me a while to even realize what it was. I couldn’t report him, I couldn’t hurt him, I couldn’t do anything. I had no control, and that scared me. I don’t like having no control. I was angry, and hurt, and felt like he had just regained power over me, as now I was nervous about going to the store. We talked for a while. And I felt a little better. I told her part of my story, and about the guilt I felt, how it was my fault for entering the situation, and my fault for not leaving. She didn’t tell me it wasn’t – she just listened.
This is now six years later. More than that, actually. And still, this intense reaction, these emotions pouring out of me. This fear, this anger, this hurt. Right in the middle of the Vagina Monologues, of all times.
It goes to show that it never goes away. It never heals. You can be a survivor, at veteran of sexual violence, but it never ends. It runs through you, affecting you, sometimes without you even realizing.
So this is me, speaking up, speaking out…yet again. Sexual violence is not just creepers in the bushes. It is not just abusive husbands. It is not just a product of war. It is HERE. It is people you know, people you love. It isn’t then, it is now. It it always. So support your friends, your family, your loved ones, and work to stop to violence.
-Essin’ Em
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Dear Essin’Em, as you know, you are not alone.
These ghosts surface sometimes, and there is nothing that can scare them away better then ourselves. With a friend’s support is a lot easier,
but it still means to go through a bit again.
*
I just wanted to leave you a virtual hug. {{{hug}}}
I’m a survivor as well, and I know the feelings you talk about. And I just couldn’t NOT say anything.
WOW. I just read your post about the assault and it was seriously disturbing – the whole bloody thing.
I think you’re absolutely right. I imagine this guy has NO IDEA what he put you through. That’s probably why he blithely IM’d you.
From a guy’s perspective, he probably dismissed your initial ‘no’ as you merely being ‘reluctant.’
When he pressured you into going down on him, he probably thought you were going ahead willingly – without a single clue about everything horrific and terrifying that was going on inside your head.
It probably didn’t help that he was drunk and horny. Neither of those things make for clear-thinking men.
I think this just goes to show how vital communication is in regards to sex – and explains why you’ve now got such an admirable trait of communicating and discussing consent before you do anything sexual (you’ve mentioned it several times in your blog.)
I imagine the Essin’ Em of 2009 would have just shoved him away, with the confidence to say ‘NO’ that he COULDN’T be unclear about (perhaps reinforced by a roller-blade to the skull.)
It might be wishful thinking, but I hope that a louder ‘NO’ would have stopped him in his tracks.
But the problem was, back then, you weren’t 2009 Essin’ Em. You were like any other college student (if you were anything like me, a bundle of insecurity and uncertainty) and he took advantage of that (possibly without even realizing it.)
I’m really sorry this happened to you. I’m even more sorry this guy might be walking around without any clue about what he put you through.
There are very clear boundaries about what’s ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ when it comes to consent and sex (that story you mentioned, of the guy holding down the drunk girl, is a very clear example of out-and-out rape.)
The sad reality of life – and I’m ashamed for my gender that I even have to write this – is that some men aren’t totally clear where those boundaries are.
I believe that there’s goodness inside 99% of people and I almost wish that you were able to safely communicate to this guy what he put you through. It’s truly scary to think that he probably doesn’t have a clue that what he did was wrong.
I’m a survivor too, and I have these same moments when I encounter the guy who sexually assaulted me in the blogosphere. For a long time I was afraid of going to sex parties because I was afraid he’d be there. I was terrified that he’d show up at the sex blogger party in NYC in November. Thankfully he didn’t as I’m not sure what I would have done. It’s been just about four years now and it still affects me something terrible. You’re right, it never really goes away and it’s the loss of power that’s so difficult to deal with. I offer you lots of hugs and if you ever need to talk drop me a line via twitter.
Yikes. :( I’m really glad Q was there for you, Ess!
Champagne and Benzedrine,
I’m really upset by your comment. While I understand that it comes from a place of compassion, I feel like you are participating in the subtle victim-blaming that is ever-present in our rape culture.
You say, “But the problem was, back then, you weren’t 2009 Essin’ Em.” That’s not the problem. Essin’ Em wasn’t the problem. We have no way of knowing whether a stronger NO would have stopped him and it shouldn’t matter because no one should ever have to say “no” more than once, or any louder than a whisper. She gave very clear signs that she did not want the interaction to continue. I shouldn’t even have to talk about what she did to communicate that because the fact of the matter is that she was sexually assaulted and when we focus on what she could have possibly done that may or may not have impacted the following assault, we shift the blame from the rapist to the victim/survivor.
When we turn the discussion of sexual assault to the victim/survivors behavior, we fail to get to the root issue. We need to stop seeing violence against women as a women’s issue and begin to see it as a men’s issue(or masculinity issue) because men are responsible for an extremely disproportionate amount of the violence that occurs in our society, not only against women, but against other men, as well. Sexual assault and violence against women won’t stop until men decide to make it stop.
Essin’ Em
I’m so sorry that this man is living near you. Know that you have support in your community and that there are so many people that would be by your side in a second if you saw him, or even just needed to talk about your fear of seeing him.
We live with assault forever. We survive and grow stronger and stronger but we never forget. Our bones, our hearts, our minds, and our cunts never forget. You are not alone.