Sexuality Happens

The other day, the lovely Thursday’s Child wrote a post about her confusion with all these names, labels, identities, and more.  I think it may have been inspired by a twitter conversation Shay and I were having about my identities, and whether “queer dyke” was redundant.

Queer, gay, lesbian, genderqueer, trans, dyke, butch, boi, femme, lezzie, bisexual, poly, pansexual, non-monogamous, tranny, fag, transfag, pig, bear, moose, you name it.  Our society is full of labels and identities; those we choose for ourselves, and those that other place upon us.  

Thursday wondered how she was supposed to know what which label/identity meant to which person, and how she should use what, and and and. Great question. And I have a great (easy) answer.

Ask.

This is what I said to her:

As many have said, asking is always the easiest and most respectful way. When I teach my classes, I always start out with asking for people’s pronouns, so no one has to assume.

Identities mean such different things to different people…for example, my NoFauxxx contest asked people “what does queer mean to you?” Here are all the answers that people came up with – notice that no two are the same.

I am a queer, kinky, non-monogamous, disabled, perverted, curvy, alternative, open-minded femme dyke. Often times, queer covers it for me. Queer is an umbrella term, an open ended term, an encompassing term, a welcoming term, an inclusive term.

My identity was ever changing. First, I identified as the default I was given; straight. Then, I identified as bisexual. Then I realized I was attracted almost 100% to female assigned people, so I identified as a lesbian. Then I realized that I was attracted to and loved gender queer people and transmen as well…so I identified as pansexual for a while, but realized that in my mind, it was more of a term for people who are open minded bisexuals. I first heard the term queer without giving it second thought, and then I realized that it fit me. It didn’t matter who I was attracted to, and whether or not it changed. It didn’t matter how many people I liked at one time, or how kinky I was… I was queer, and didn’t have to keep re-defining me. I just…WAS.

And that’s my take on it. Again, it never hurts to ask.

Everyone has different identities. Some people reject all labels, others pile on as many as they can identify with. Some people change from day to day, depending on how they’re feeling when they wake up, or what happens to them. You can have one identity/label, or multiple. It’s all you.  Queer means one thing to one person, and something different to someone else…ditto with every label, and every identity.

It very rarely, if ever, hurts to ask (respectfully, of course). I’ve never been offended (personally, obviously) being asked about my identities, being asked to explain what they meant to me, or even why.  I would much rather that than when people assume I’m _______.  

So ask if you want to know, if you’re confused, if you have questions. Perhaps someone will tell you that they don’t want to share, but often, you’ll spark a very interesting conversation.

-Essin’ Em