Sexuality Happens

My heart is my strongest muscle

I took this picture for Queer Eye Candy’s month of February’s theme; holding a paper heart. I sent them in, but only towards the end of the month, so I don’t think they’ll make it up. My paper heart says: My heart is full of love and lust and thoughts and kindness and caring and sweetness and wonder and questions and caring and light and …

There is a line in the Vagina Monologues, in the piece I Was There in the Room. It says that the both the heart, and the vagina are capable of sacrifice.  That they both open to let us in and expand to let us out. It’s very true.

I am half nekkid in this picture, not in the more traditional way, but my heart is naked. I don’t write that much about love and feelings and caring. Usually, my heart is only mentioned when it has been bruised…hurt…mangled. But it also has so much positiveness. Sometimes, I love my friends (and two of my past partners) so much that I feel my heart will burst. I’m so proud of them, so enamored with them, so filled with love for all of these wonderful people.

My heart is huge. Is it. It holds so much. And you know, while it can let things out, I usually decide to keep them.  I finally spoke with J again the other day, and she (using female pronouns now) is getting her shit together. I still feel for her in my heart, and am so proud of her. F came last week, and gave me flowers at my show, telling me I was amazing and truly deserved them. I felt love for her still. I love her still. Not in love, no, and I realize that no, we should not be partners. But to me, love is something that can grow and shrink in intensity, but it never leaves your heart.

I have friends I have seen in three, five, even ten years that I’ve been reconnecting with. It isn’t nearly as hard as one might expect. Why? Because there is still love for them inside me, I just need to rekindle it.

Recently, I had my six-word memoir on Love and Heartbreak published in that book. I’m on page 64 (which is a perfect square. That makes me happy…and nerdy).  What did I say?

“My heart is my strongest muscle.”

Why? Because your heart gets a work out, physically and emotionally.  We equate it with feelings, and emotions, and love, and heartache. We also need it to keep going, to keep living…to pump our blood through our bodies. We give it exercise – both at the gym, and in relationships; with friends, lovers, partners, family. Sometimes, we over work it, we exhaust it. Sometimes we pull this muscle…we do something that hurts it, and we need to give it time to recover. But it doesn’t break. No. My other 6-word thought was “my heart is bruised, not broken.”  We talk of broken hearts, but really, our hearts don’t break. They just need time to recover.  When our hearts are healed and healthy, we rely on them so much, we use them so much, we NEED them. So yes, my heart is my strongest muscle. It does so much for me…and I can only try to give back.

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday! Open your heart.

-Essin’ Em

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8 Comments so far

  1. Sleeping Dreamer March 5th, 2009 1:34 am

    This is a very beautiful and poetic post. I hope you open your heart more to us, when it has been received and been treated well, so that we can share in your happiness.

    Happy HNT.

  2. Dana March 5th, 2009 6:47 am

    Actually, you *are* half-nekkid in the more traditional way – you captured how it all started!

  3. Amorous Rocker March 5th, 2009 7:23 am

    This was very well written and beautiful. Touching as well. I think you just helped me a little bit and for that, I thank you. :)

    Happy HNT!

  4. Thursday's Child March 5th, 2009 1:55 pm

    Your vulnerability is truly beautiful. I just want to open my arms and draw you in.

  5. kyle March 5th, 2009 4:20 pm

    that’s wonderfully put, hon. When I used to contemplate being polyamorous, I thought I’d run out of love to give, figured it would be diluted somehow. What I know now is that my heart’s response to having more to love is to grow, to get bigger. Sometimes that entails growing pains, but once my heart has grown to its new size, things settle down again and I realize I have much, much more love to give than I did before.

    Strong hearts take work, but it’s very worth it

    Happy HNT

  6. CarrieAnn March 5th, 2009 5:54 pm

    Didn’t you just post a link to the pic on Queer Eye Candy the other day? On Twitter? Or am I losing my mind?


    Beautiful post!

  7. Moosekahl March 5th, 2009 11:33 pm

    I think I might bookmark this post to keep for those days when my heart feels empty. I too have love in my heart for friends that are like family that mean the word to me and b/c of them I know my heart is never empty and I know they are there to protect it from the inside out. I just forget sometimes. Happy HNT!

  8. Olivia January 7th, 2010 7:41 pm

    Thank you for such a beautiful post.

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