Sexuality Happens

I think sex should be fun. And funny. And all that jazz. I’ve written about that all before.

But I thought you might enjoy some instances of when laughter is necessary.

*When M and I were hooking up, there were many amusing things. Such as the infamous “My Anus is Bleeding” interaction, and the conversation about her being my pet. 

*F and I were fucking once, and heard a crack. She paused. “Don’t you fucking even think about stopping.” She looked at me inquisitively. “I don’t bloody know what that was but fuck me harder NOW!”  About an hour or so later, we were cuddling, and I got up to go to the bathroom.  When I came back, I looked at the bed, and her. She’d rolled towards the middle.  In fact, the whole bed had sunk into the the middle.  After we took apart the whole bed, we found out that she, in the oh-so-important process of fucking me, broke my frame in two places, and bent it in another.  It was about 2am, and we were trying to take apart a broken bed, and put it back together. All we could do was laugh.

*I thought the other night that I had a brilliant idea. Now, often, during sex I have many “brilliant ideas.”  Usually, I’m smart enough to think things through, and warn my partners that I’m about to try something that may in fact be ridiculous. An epic fail.  Like the one time I had one hand deep inside Q, and was trying to put a condom on my Hitachi, with one hand (PS – putting condoms on Hitachis is fucking hard with TWO hands – they should make Hitachi specific safer sex covers). I tore the condom open (carefully) with my teeth. I tried to oh so smoothly slide the condom over the Hitachi (after telling Q to look away in case it went horrible wrong…and of course, she didn’t). Yeah, some how (no idea how) snapped the damn condom into my breasts…hard enough to leave a mark.  Second try, I got it on, but was still laughing really hard. Anyways, the other night, I had an idea. I forgot to tell Q about my idea though…I just made her stay on her knees on my bed, legs spread apart, hands handcuffed behind her neck. I thought it would be a genius idea to go down on her by sliding underneath her on my back, and eat her out that way.

Ultimate FAIL.  I got come all over my face. I’m talking about not being able to breathe, sealing my eyes shut, in my eyebrows, in my hair (a bit ala Something About Mary). I was so distracted by all of the come (as fun as it was) and trying to breathe that I wasn’t able to properly eat her out. I wound up laughing a lot before pushing her back on the bed.

When people fall off the bed, or snap themselves in the boob with a condom, or so other similarly silly things, all you can do is laugh. And keep going. If you can’t laugh, then what can you do?

I share these stories with you not because I enjoy people laughing at me (although sometimes I do).  I share them because I think I have pretty fucking phenomenal sex.  I haven’t had an unsatisfying sexual experience in over a year.  Lately, it’s been really great amazing sex…with F, with S, with Q.  And you know what? It hasn’t been smooth, perfect, everything goes as planned sex. F and I laughed all the damn time.  S tried to tied me up with a sling of sort around my neck that I almost strangled myself with, and I couldn’t get the damn condom on the Hitachi.  With Q, I’ve had Kali decide to sit on my ass for a good 30 or 40 minutes while I was between Q’s legs, going down on her. I’ve said really awkward things. We’ve spooned with Kinsey.

Sex is fun. It’s funny. It HAS to be. There will be sex fails, just as there will be successes.  Why not enjoy it?

-Essin’ Em