When must you define?
I met Q at the strap on class I was teaching in the middle of December. We went for coffee and a movie a few weeks later, hanging out intermittently. We started having sex when I got back from my trip to San Francisco. And can I just mention that the sex just keeps getting better and better? And the kissing is hot, and the silliness, and just. Mmm.
I like what we have. Sometimes, we hang out. Sometimes, we just have sex. Sometimes, we hang out AND have sex.
She came to see the Vagina Monologues with some of her friends from grad school. Some of my long time friends didn’t even come, so that was really fucking nice to have people I knew (also L and F. All in the same night. Oy, but yay) there.
She was really supportive during my drama with Kali. I even kinda sorta almost cried on the phone with her.
But. So. Um. What? I kinda like her. As more than just a fuck buddy. Now, this friends with benefits thing is great, and I don’t want to fuck that up…but I’m kind of wondering if she might kinda sorta possibly be interested in more. But. What is more? I don’t want to live together, or to spend multiple days in a row with each other right now. I don’t want kids or marriage, or….
So do I just leave it? Does it matter what it is?
Half of me wants an answer. This is what we are, this is where we’re headed for now, etc. It wants to be on the same page so nothing can hurt. The other half says it doesn’t fucking matter. It just wants to let things go where they go, be what they are, and stop over thinking everything. This begs that question;
When do you have to define? And DO you have to define?
When F and I were seeing each other, it was like hello, and welcome to Communication City. To me, there was over communication. If I didn’t bring up EVERYTHING to talk about (even things I didn’t think were a big deal at all to me), I was being closed off. During sex, we talked a lot, and told each other we were hot and beautiful and what we wanted and needed – and that was good. There was lots of “what are we, who are we, what are we feeling, where are we going, etc.” Sometimes, I felt smothered by too much communication. Q is the opposite. She doesn’t process (which, right now, is fucking brilliant!). But she also doesn’t really communicate…not during sex, though I can coach it out of her (but did I mention that the sex is really good?), not after while cuddling. She just doesn’t. Which is ok, but it makes it really hard for me to pull the “I like where things are, and they don’t need to change, but how do you see our relationship as two people, and do you see it continuing in the future?” card that I so desperately want to bust out. I mean, we’re had the safer sex talk. And the other day, I checked to make sure we were both on the non-monogamy page (Me: “we’re not monogamous, right?” Her: “What? I thought we were totally monogamous.” Me: *BIG EYES* “What???” Her: “I was kidding. Non-monogamous, yes.”)
So. Do I try to define? Or no? If yes, when? And if not…well. Then what?
-Essin’ Em
5 Comments so far
Leave a reply
I feel the need to define. BUT I have also been in situations where my need to define, and bringing it up, has ended what was already going on. Some people are afraid of a definition. Some, like myself, need one to feel more secure.
It’s a tough line and I wish I had better advice. :(
I bet if you told her everything you wrote here, that you have an urge to define but aren’t sure about it and are perfectly fine as things are if she doesn’t like definitions, you’d be fine.
I think “I have an urge to define what we are and where we’re going, but if you don’t want to that’s okay” is way different than “What are we, what’s our definition? I want to be more than fuckbuddies.”
One leaves the option for negotiation and the other sounds more like an ultimatum.
Sounds like you are working from the presumption that the relationship is defineable. This is not always the case. We humans are so complexy that there are many “combinations” available to us in our relationships…each one unique and special, and not neccesarily easily defined.
Humankind has this weird need to label, to fit things neatly in a certain box, to make it this-and-thus-not-that-or-any-of-those, and really with relationships there’s no point anyway. Maybe it’s better not to name, but just to consider what you want, and need, out of it right now, and explain that, instead of giving it a certain name and then hoping the expectations are clear because of that.
What is more? I don’t want to live together, or to spend multiple days in a row with each other right now. I don’t want kids or marriage, or….
But there is SO MUCH in between fuck buddies and living together and kids and marriage. Just because you are dating someone, doesn’t mean that things have to be super serious. Relationships have to work up to that point. So, take it slowly. How about spending a little bit more time together? Or going on a “date” to dinner and a movie or a show or whatever? Calling her just to say hi? You don’t have to define anything, but if you’re thinking that you want a little more, take baby steps forward and see how it feels and how she responds.