Soul Sucking
This job is sucking my soul away.
I find myself being highly emotional, tearing up all the time. My sex drive has greatly diminished. I walked into my favorite cupcake shop the other day, stood in line for 5 or 6 minutes, and then decided I didn’t want a cupcake. I’m rarely using my hot tub, something I used to love. I didn’t go to the after party for my last roller derby bout, and have considered taking a break from the league, even though I’ve been involved in derby for almost three years. I’m actually sleeping…as in if I don’t make plans to actually do things with people, I spend my time in bed, trying to sleep in between working.
I apologize if my posts haven’t been as exciting and fun and all of that lately, but as many (now a total of 7) of my friends have pointed out to be that I am depressed, or that my mental health isn’t up to snuff.
As much as I hate to admit it, to myself and to them, they’re right. I haven’t felt this all over icky since I went through an intense bout of depression in college. I don’t know the solution; I KNOW it’s caused by my job situation, my money situation, and my mother. My job is literally my own personal hell. The only thing that I can think of that would make it worse would be the same job out in the sun where I got burned. I’m working for minimum wage in a corporate, ageist, sexist, able-ist environment doing everything that hurts my knees and that I hate, and having to fight to even get more than 20 hours per week, which still won’t pay my rent. I’m in debt. Thousands of dollars of credit card debt, having never once carried a balance on ANY of my cards until last October…
So while I can’t pay for therapy, I don’t think it would even help that much. I KNOW I feel like a failure, I KNOW I have trouble talking to people about my issues, I KNOW it’s my current life situation. Other than continuing to try and apply for jobs, and hyper-schedule myself so I don’t let myself wallow in depression, I’m not sure what to do. But I apologize in advance for my lack of exciting posts. I still have a couple of great ones to write about Q (she let me cut her clothes off the other day! And she topped me…well!), and will get those up. But otherwise, I can’t promise anything spicy.
As a side note, Q has been an amazing friend through this. Often times, people I’m having sex with and not dating don’t understand the whole friendship thing…and she does. Which I really appreciate – she’s been a great support to lean on. I even kind of sort of almost cried in front of her…a few times, which for me is a big sign of trust.
So I made it through the week of the anniversary of Columbine and my father’s death…now, just to get a job that doesn’t make me feel like I’m getting a Dementor’s Kiss.
-Essin’ Em
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For me the writing helps, even something mundane. That might help in your case? There is nothing that says your blog has to be about sex. Its also meant to be a an outlet. Its certainly cheaper than paying for therapy.
Does the ADA require that they adapt your job to accommodate your disability?
Sighs….yeah, myself and my wife are dealing with the “situational depression” thing. While it has an obvious cause (other than chemistry) that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. My mom is in a nursing home under hospice care, dieing, I haven’t worked in 2 years and in another year or so will have exhausted all the funds I set aside for retirement, my health insurance goes away in a couple of months (and both my wife and I have major medical issues) etc. etc. etc…
Guess I took the opportunity to vent rather than just give you a shoulder to lean on and a hug (consentually) if you wanted one. Just doing that stream of consciousness thing.
We’ve emailed some in the past, drop me a note if you’d like my phone number to chat. I find that sometimes just having a friend to listen (not a therapist) is helpful and wanted to offer that to you.
gentle hugs,
warm thoughts,
loving kindness to you,
jerry
I know I don’t personally know you, but you have shared a lot of yourself through your blog, and I know I appreciate that (just like the rest of your fans do, I’m sure). But I know that you are human and you have needs, wants, desires, etc. outside of entertaining us with your reviews and hot erotic stories. Having said that, I want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I hope that your job situation improves.
I’m also dealing with debt, and I’m in law full-time with no job, so I totally understand the stress that can cause. I just don’t want you to apologize for going through a rough time.
I know I’m a stranger, but if you want to email me, gchat, talk, text, whatever, I’d love to get to know you. You seem like a beautiful person. Just remember to keep your head to the sky. The blog (and the people who read it, like me) will be here for when you have spicy things to say and even when you don’t.
Hang in there, sweetie. Sounds like you’re already doing everything you can withing reason to escape that situation. And if ALL your posts aren’t smoking hot (some of them still are!) it’s OK with me. I know what it’s like to have a terrible corporate job. Here’s my good thoughts and wishes that you will find something better AND more lucrative soon!