Apparently, I exude confidence. Q tells me this, although she’s also now figured out that a lot of my confidence is a facade.
However, sometimes, exuding confidence can be a curse (although I’ve also been told that it’s a part of me that attracts others to me). Because people think that I have this amazing self image (which I somewhat do), and because they thing I think I’m hot stuff (which I pretty much don’t), I very rarely get told that I’m hot/sexy/cute/adorable/attractive/etc.
I noticed this a week or two ago in two ways. Firstly, a friend of mine was telling me she hates being called cute…why? Because she is *always* called cute, even when she dresses up in all kinds of hot and sexy. So she’s sick of being called cute. I began to think…when I dress up to the point where I think I’m hot, it’s still very rare that I am told stuff. I mean yes, people tell me my outfits are nice, or that my corset looks good, but they don’t tell ME that *I* look good.
Point two was when I thought about the amount of times I tell Q how good/hot/fuckable/attractive/can’t take my eyes off of her she looks, vs how many times I get told that type of thing from her. I mean, yes, I’m the super communicative one, and she isn’t, but still. Up until a night a few weeks ago at a dungeon, I don’t ever recall her telling me that she liked how I looked. I mean, I guess back in January she had said “I’m really attracted to you, but am emotionally unavailable,” but in that context, attracted could have nothing to do with looks. I even asked her that same night whether she found me physically attractive. She said yes, as thought it was obvious…but the problem is, it WASN’T obvious, at least not to me.
I was at this play party with her, in my red/black corset, shiny hot pants and knee high, patent leather, lace up, 4″ high boots. Lots of drama went down (to be read about later), but as I sat on top of this cage, my legs wrapped around Q’s waist, she told me how much she liked my outfit, and how hot I looked.
I felt good. Strike that, it felt amazing. To be told by the person that I have sex with on a regular basis that I was hot. It doesn’t seem like it should be such a big deal, but damn it, it is. I know that most people have lots of little insecurities, and so I try to tell people how attractive/interesting/smart/witty/resourceful/etc I find them, and to tell them often, to help combat our own self issues…but even in doing that, I never realized how much *I* needed someone(s) to do that for me.
So I spoke up. As much as I hate bringing up needs, I brought it up to her. I told her she need never lie, but if/when she found me attractive/hot/sexy/want-to-fuck-now-able, I’d really appreciate it if she said something. Because even us sex-goddess-fucking-machines need compliments now and again.
Since then, she has said something about a polka dot dress I was wearing…but only after I brought it up. However, she’s be reassuring me in other areas, like my sexual prowess, etc…so we’ll see how well my request will turn out.
Because sometimes, it’s just really nice to be told Darling, you look wonderful tonight!
-Essin’ Em1 comment