Sexuality Happens

I’m so in love with how well my relationship/partnership with Q is working out.  Like, am astounded.

We’ve been fucking since January.  That makes it four or five months that we’ve been fucking/hanging out/sexing/making out/chatting, etc.  And unlike that majority of my past relationships (primary or secondary), I’m not getting nervous.  Well, not in the same way.

With J, after our five month period, I realized that things weren’t working as well.  There wasn’t the same spark, the same connection.  While we had a difference of opinion as to the preferential way to end things (J was of the break things off immediately mode, and I prefer to let things run their natural course and just fizzle out), it was pretty obvious that the relationship as it existed was on its last legs. We were together about six months.

With F, it was the most ridiculously cyclical relationship.  I’d get upset by the way things were going, get ready to explain that it wasn’t working for me, and then she’d do something that made me feel better/wanted/etc, and we’d go back to a mini honeymoon period, and then the drinking, or processing conversations, or being flaked out on would get to me again, and I’d get frustrated and be ready to be done, and then I’d go away for a few days and come back and things would be better and dot dot dot etc. Regardless, I knew that there would definitely be an expiration date on that relationship in the capacity that it existed. We’re still acquaintances, but things are definitely done. And have been for a while. We were together almost five months.

Q is only the third person I’ve had sex with more than twice in the past three years.  Usually, it’s because I have sex with people while traveling, or while they’re visiting me, or before one of us went back to school, or right before one of us moved, or _______.  I was talking to Sasha Sappho about this, about how different it is to have any type of relationship (fuck buddies, secondaries, primaries, etc) when there isn’t a finite end date.  I eventually want to move West, but I know I’m staying in CO for a bit.  I don’t have a date that I’m leaving.  And that makes me nervous, because I tend to find it easier to open up myself to people when there IS an end date, so if they reject me, I can just leave and move on.

Q is not my girlfriend. We are not primaries.  However, she IS my partner, and she’s the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had. I can be 99% myself around her, which is more than I can say for any of my other partners (mostly my doing to try and change to make them happy, not their fault). She’s worked really hard to communicate better, and I’ve worked on not over thinking and labeling things.  She puts up with my silliness (meowing, breathing fire on her, listening to 80s music while fucking, etc).

The other day, I got a bit teary post-fucking. Why? Because I have hang ups on letting people playing with me when I know I’m not going to come because I feel like I’m being selfish and wasting their time.  I just wanted to get up and leave and not deal with it, but I stayed, and we talked about it.  She assured me she wouldn’t do anything she didn’t enjoy.  While that doesn’t “fix” my hang up, at least we discussed it.

I have sex with other people. She does too. And it works. Poly done right, if you will, although I personally identify more as non-monogamous than poly.  She knows I do phone sex, and porn, and all that, and has no issues (that she’s voiced) with it, but conversely doesn’t objectify me for it.

And the sex? My god, the sex! I cannot be in the same room as her without wanted to rip her clothes off and fuck her. We’ve actually not hung out once since we started fucking where there has not been sex. We got close the other day, and just made out for an hour because she had a paper, but then there was fucking. With the exception of K, who I just feel this lust for, and happens to be unattainable in my mind (and a big tease, in a good way), I’ve never felt this much sexual attraction towards anyone.  We sex text occasionally, and suddenly, thoughts of sex with her permeate all other thought processes.  With most people, even with good sex, it started tapering off around month three for me.  I still like being with them, but I’m more cuddly and chatty, and less “please let me put my fingers inside you and then please fuck me until I can’t take it anymore and am calling yellow.” Not with Q. If anything, I am now even MORE sexually driven around her.

I feel good with her. I feel safe. I feel that I can be silly or serious, be nerdy, be happy or sad, and just be me around her.  She’s very validating, and I can be open.  Sometimes I tell her I’m feeling a bit judged (usually a bit in jest, but always with a grain of truth behind it), and we talk about it.  I feel like I can be vulnerable around her, let down my “I’m here to help, and can fix anything, and nothing is wrong with me” wall. It’s nice.

I like that now sometimes she calls me sweetie, or will scratch my back and rub my shoulders occasionally. We now have the intimacy that I’ve always wanted, but have been afraid to ask for, in fear that people will think I’m being to serious/girlfriendy/etc.

I don’t know how long this will last.  I don’t feel an expiration date coming up like I did with J and F.  But who knows?  And it doesn’t matter, because *right now,* in this second, this period in time, it’s working. I appreciate her very much, and am so happy she’s in my life. Who knows what it’ll be like in a month (hopefully well, because I want to go with her to the Canada vs United States women’s rugby game!), or two, or even next week. But right now, I’m so happy, so satisfied, and am so glad I found her.

That’s all.

-Essin’ Em