Sexuality Happens

Photo Credit: Half Moon Photography

Every once in a while, I like to remind everyone that I’d totally open for questions and all that jazz. I’m a very open person, and would love to answer 99% of the questions I’m asked (I reserve that 1% for rude questions, and the few things that I may not want to talk about).

SO! Now is your time, although I’ll do this any time you have a question. Please either post it as a comment, or send it to me at EssinEm at gmail dot com.  Let me know what name (and/or URL) I can post when I post my answer(s).

Questions can be about me, about sex/uality, about dis/ability, about kink, about blogging, about pretty much anything, and I’ll do my best to answer.

Ready…setty…go!

-Essin’ Em

Image by Autumn Sonnichsen Photography found via The Alexa Collection

Pleasurists is your round-up of the adult product reviews that came out in the last seven days from bloggers all around the sex blogosphere. Did you miss Pleasurists #28? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists #30? Submit it here before Sunday May 25th at 11:59pm PDT. Please re-post this list on your own blog if listed.

Want to win some free swag? All you’ve got to do is enter.

• Give Me Fever Contest Deadline: May 30th at 11:59pm Pacific Time.
• Champagne Giveaway: Women Seeking Women #50 Deadline: May 31st
• Do You Have an Erotic Adventure to Share? Deadline: May 31st, 2009.
• Ginger Leigh’s Fabulous Shopping Spree! Deadline: Friday, June 5, 2009

Madame Editrix

Scarlet Lotus St.Syr

On to the reviews…

Editor’s Pick

• The Five-Contact Spark Plug, from Huse by Themistokles

To find the kind of inventor who cares enough to think things through, you need to look past the mainstream. Leave the well-trod paths behind, and explore the odd little shops where the master artisans do their work.

The Five-Contact Spark Plug is that kind of masterpiece.

Rupert Huse, who designed the Spark Plug, was clearly thinking about female anatomy and erotic response.

Editor’s Note: I’m fascinated with Electrosex and both this review and Themistokles’ other review this week deals directly with it, not only does this review give great information about the toy at hand it also talks about other similar items from other companies by comparison and is generally well written and enticing. Loved it!

Vibrators

• Odyssey Tickler by Beautiful Dreamer
• We-Vibe by Sarah
• Evolveds Dream Maker Lunar Rabbit by Baby Sinead
• Miracle Massager by Beautiful Dreamer
• Fun Factory Boss by Sexorcism
• Penthouse Ultra Powerful Gyrating Massager by Ali of FunSexToyReview
• LELO Gigi by Sarah Estrella
• Laya Spot by CarrieAnn
• The Miracle Massager by Kyle
• Hello Kitty Vibrator by Beautiful Dreamer
• Paradise Curve by HotMoviesForHer Sex Toy Crew
• Rock Chick by Eliot Bodem
• SaSi by Essin’ Em

Dildos

• Pyrexions G-Spotter by Brandon B.
• Pink Magnificent by Adriana
• I Love My Squirmy by Jezebelle

Anal Toys

• Rude Boy by Onyx on Wanton Lotus
• Bottoms Up P-Spot Pleaser by Meg on FunSexToyReview
• ProTouch by Ansley Agnello

Toys for Cocks

• Fleshlight STU Jack Ass by CarrieAnn
• Pink Lips Pussy Stroker by Beautiful Dreamer
• Double Penetrator Cock Ring by Bad Bad Girl

Lube, Bath Stuff, & etc.

• Good Head Oral Delight Gel by Beautiful Dreamer
• Sliquid Swirl Intimate Lubricant by Ansley Agnello
• Blazin’ Bitch Black Cherry Massage Candle With Pheromones by The Countess

BDSM/Fetish

• Red Rose Crop by Carnivalesq
• Trick Belt by Erin Leone
• Scalloped Pony Play Bridle by Sleeping Dreamer
• Zeus 6-Channel Digital Powerbox by Themistokles
• Lust Loops by The Master on SexToys.com

Adult Books

• The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women by Sexorcism
• Surfer Boys by The Porn Librarian
• X: The Erotic Treasury by Adriana

Adult Movies/Porn

• Anna Span’s Diary Series #14 – Play The Slut by The Porn Librarian
• Alice In Wonderland by FrzKey
• The Rebelle Rousers by J.D. Bauchery
• Mr. Marcus Goes To Washington by The Porn Librarian
• 22 Sex Secrets, Tips & Turn On by FrzKey
• Caligula Uncensored by Domina Doll on Viviane’s Sex Carnival

Miscellaneous

• Arousal Tea Review by Lisa
• Soft Pack by Kyle
• Smart Balls by True Pleasures
• Crazy Girl Diva Dust (Silver) by The Countess
• Uniram Manual Sex Machine by Sexorcism
• Arabesque Clit Caresser by Domina Doll
• Thigh Harness with Dildo by Bad Bad Girl
• Bliss Bliss Kit by Domina Doll on Viviane’s Sex Carnival
• Fun Factory Smartballs by Jezebelle

Q and I are finally at a really really good place in our relationship.  I use the word relationship because I consider her a secondary partner.  We’re finally at a point where we can call each other sweetie, have lots of kissing and cuddling, and even go out to dinner at the local NY deli without there being that threat of over-commitment/girlfriend-age.

And as I thought about that, I realize how prevalent the Madonna/Whore complex is in my life (can you tell I was a sociology major with lots of feminist and gender studies classes in undergrad?). Why? Because almost everyone I know tends to see the world in dichotomies, especially when it comes to sex and relationships.  There are two options in many people’s minds; you can be having casual sex/hooking up/be fuck buddies, or you can be in a serious, long term, uhaul, hyper committed relationship. Obviously not true, but that’s how much of the word sees things.  Girlfriends = madonna, fuck buddies = whores.

How did this impact my life? For the first month or two that Q and I were having sex, I was so determined to show her that I wasn’t the “Madonna” she was scared that I was (someone looking for a primary/girlfriend) that I went overboard the other way, to show her I was actually more of the “whore” type, in that I just wanted sex. And yes, while I do want sex, and a lot of it, and especially a lot of it from her because sex with her is just really fucking god damn amazing, I have needs more than just solely sex.  But because I was afraid that if I showed any signs of intimacy (rather than just fucking), she might flip back to the either/or concept, and assume I was looking for much more than she was willing to give.

By doing this, I only hurt myself. I lost out on a lot of my wants and needs, and things that make me enjoy sex even more.  As much as a put myself off to be a non-romantic, I DO like kissed on my back and neck, and eating in bed, and watching movies together, and massages, and so on. But because I was so focused on getting her to peg me as a “whore,” I missed out on it.

Luckily, despite my accidental attempts to destroy our friendship/interactions, Q and I are where we are at now.  We kiss and joke and use terms of endearment, and sometimes, we plan to get together in non-sexual ways (sex always winds up happening anyways, but we don’t always plan on *just* having sex – we have other interactions too).  I’m not longer concerned about her seeing me in a dichotomy…we’ve both gotten comfortable (or I assume she has, since she’s the one that started more kissing, massaging, etc) in having more emotional and physical intimacy, and I would count her as a friend in my life, yet there isn’t that fear that suddenly we’re going to wake up, and one of us will be trying to convince our cats to like each other, so we can move in.

It’s much healthier when you look past this oh so cliche Madonna/Whore complex.

-Essin’ Em

So I wrote this whole long post about few weeks ago, when I took Q to her first play party.

And how there was some drama with some of her friends who have become my friends as well, and hurt feelings.  And how I’d never seen her upset before, and how it ruined our night at the play party, and how I didn’t know how to make her feel better.

And how we drove home in silence, and I was upset that she was upset, and angry at myself for putting her in that position. And how even though I assumed that she’d drive home angrily, she actually asked to come up and talk, and we did for hours, and how I was so proud of her for not just cutting and running when upset, but being willing to talk to me about it.

And how while I was sad that she was upset, and frustrated at being hurt in one of my “safer spaces” emotionally, I was really glad that we were able to talk and communicate, and that I thought this incident brought us to a better level of communication, because we were able to express our hurt to one another without just leaving to deal with it alone, as is both of our natural reactions.

But the damn thing deleted itself. So you get this instead.

-Essin’ Em

Last month, Babeland was kind enough to send me a bird…no, a plane…no, a whole new and different style of vibrator – something that I (gasp!) had never seen before.

What little shiny baubble showed up in my mailbox?

Why, the SaSi vibrator, of course!

Now, I’m gonna be honest. The first thing I noticed was the color. The SaSi is available in three colors; black, purple and pink. For some reason, despite the color selection, and my well-publicized dislike for the color pink, I was send a pink SaSi. I know I shouldn’t be upset, but really, it’s VERY pink.  Two different shades of pink, to be exact.

However, I got past it.  The next thing I noticed was the well designed box/stand/holder that all fits back into itself.  Brilliant. Also, it comes with a nice (and black!) carrying bag.  As someone who takes her sex toys on field trips quite often, that was very nice to have. Also, it has converters for a whole slew of different electrical outlets and currents, so that unlike certain other plug in and/or rechargeable toys, the SaSi is quite easy to operate, regardless of where you live or where you’re traveling.

It’s easy to charge – it only took me a few seconds to hook it up, and I’m notoriously tech non-savvy.  It’s definitely a different kind of vibe. It has a “nodule” of sorts that pokes onto a silicone cover, and moves around, as compared to being stationary (like the Nea), or insertable (like the Gigi), or just ridiculously awesome (like the Hitachi). It’s supposed to learn what you like, and then create a custom program just for YOU!

First thing I noticed was that this baby gets hot, and fast.  While I’m incredibly quick at getting off with a partner (rephrase; so far, with J, K, F, S and Q), when I’m by myself, it takes a hell of a lot more time. Hitachis definitely get hot after 30 or 45 minutes of uninterrupted use, but the SaSi started getting hot after only 12 or 15 minutes. For those of us into marathon masturbation, that might not work out so well.

Q was nice enough to help me test this.  Let me set the scene; I’d already fucked her once at her place, and she drove me back to mine to drop of the rope, zip ties, snap hooks and plants I’d bought at Home Depot. And I started teasing her again.  She didn’t have too much time, but wanted me to fuck her again, and who am I to say no to such a hot woman? So she’s in my bed, still wearing her 100% Guapo shirt (and two sports bras), and nothing on below her waist. I have one hand inside of her, the other holding the SaSi on her clit. And she’s holding the instruction manual, frantically flipping through it, trying to figure out why it’s not working. 50′s household re-visited; the butch working the instruction manual, telling the femme how to operate this new piece of machinery.

We did make it work. However, she was pretty underwhelmed…and once I tried it on my own, I was too.  The vibrations were ok, but the weird “nodule” thing (it looked a nipple under a silicone sheet…that moved) was less than stellar. It fact, neither of us could really feel it.  And I still have yet to figure out how to program it (despite reading the manual).  The favorites are nice…but I didn’t find it that much different than any of the other re-chargeable vibes I own, including the whole Lelo family.

It works, yes. It’s re-chargeable, yes. It comes in black, which is a big bonus. But given the whole hulabaloo about this vibe, I have to say that I found it pretty uninspiring.  Two stars.

Click here to get a SaSi of your very own…or other toys from Babeland

-Essin’ Em

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #166? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks

Blame it on the al-al al-al al-al-co-hol

“My legs were now spread and he was in between them.”

Dinner and a Show

“Before it disappeared completely, I gave it a twist at the base, causing it to vibrate.”

Sugarbutch Star: Matt (part two) – All Five Senses

“She takes her lipstick out of her bag and uncaps it, twists it up and paints her mouth subtly, softly.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself

Adieu ErosBlog?

Sugasm Editor

Sex Work And Honesty: Relationship Status

Editor’s Choice

A Long Slow Seduction Continued…

More Sugasm

Join the Sugasm

Credit: Half Moon Photography

I was a product of the 80s. 

I dressed in a Care Bear outfit to visit my dad in the hospital when I was little.

I had a GloWorm and a Treasure Troll collection.

I still love pretty much all 80′s music.

I rocked the leggings, the polka dots, the giant curled bangs, the oversized sweatshirts, the bright colors, the suspenders, the clashing patterns/colors, odd hair styles, hair wraps, etc.

I wanted a LiteBrite and an EZ Bake Oven, but never got them.

My dad got me three erector sets, and I totally built stuff with them.

We had a commador 64 in our basement.

Two words: Duck. Hunt.

And oh so much more.  I did and still do love many parts of the 80s (and am back to loving Care Bears).

Anyways, this picture reminded me of my 80s self, and I thought I’d share!

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!

-Essin’ Em

After several conversations with friends at graduate programs around the country in various fields (social work, sexuality, medical school, etc), I’ve realized that there is an extreme dearth of information available in some of these programs about certain issues/terms/distinctions/privileges, etc from the queer and trans communities.  

Examples:

*My friend presented to her graduating social work class about cisgender privilege.  Her professor didn’t even know the meaning of the word.

*In my graduate program, I felt like a broken record trying to talk about pronoun preference, gender neutral pronouns, etc.

*Another friend is in medical school. She’s almost done, and neither the subjects of “partner” vs. husband/wife OR  transgender ANYTHING as been brought up, none the less talked about/discussed.

Ergo, I’ve decided to create a resource list of books (and websites too, but especially books) to provide to graduate (and undergraduate if they’d like) programs on these subjects. I mean, it’s ok if not everyone in the world has read Julia Serano’s Whipping Girl, but many people don’t even know about it, and it has some ground breaking information and thoughts within it. People should be able to find this information easily.

Obviously, I don’t know all the books out there. Wish I did. So I’m asking my friends to help.  Please either post here, or email me at essinem at gmail dot com with your suggestions for inclusions to the list. Also, please feel free to forward/repost as well.

I will definitely post the list when I have it “done” but also hope that it will be morpheous and people can continue to add to it.

-Essin’ Em

Remember K? That hot guy I had a crush on, and who played with and fucked me at the Submit Party in NYC last year?

Well, he was kind enough to come visit me while I was in New York for all of 40 hours.  Which was really nice.  We wound up spending the afternoon on Thursday (after I stopped by Re/Dress and got an adorable polka dot dress with a red belt, red and black shirt, and leopard print purse…oops) walking around part of Brooklyn, including a stop for tea and AMAZING french pasteries.  I took a picture of mine. It was called a chocolate porcupine (chocolae mousse, chocolate ganache, and hazelnut cream):

It was delicious.

Then we headed back to Dacia’s where I was staying (and he was coming to dinner). I miss K a lot. He’s witty and sarcastic and doesn’t take or give any bullshit. At times, it can seem a little caustic, but it’s nice to deal with someone where what you see it what you get. Yes, he’s WYSIWYG.

It’s interesting. When I knew him last year (in Philly), I felt ridiculously submissive to him.  Not like bottoming to him, but submissive. Now, I’m a little more feisty.  I like having him beat me, but it more of a bottoming way than a submissive way. And I like goading him into it a little.  He teases me, I goad him a little. And then I get hurt (consensually). It’s brilliant.

I showed him my vampire gloves. He hit me really hard with it. Like, lots of pokey little dots in finger shapes on my arms.  Of course, as I need to be even, he hit the other side too.  I also got my ass hit, fairly hard, quite a bit. And then he punched me.  Really hard for a bit, and then later on, he started hitting me in a “warming up” manner (he didn’t give me a warm up earlier), but then the food arrived before he really got into it.  That’s ok.  It was nice, and my back was pretty sore anyways.

He’s coming out for Thunder hopefully. That would make me very happy.  I feel like I can be very much myself around him, and he totally brings out my feisty/bratty side. We have a really good energy going between us, I feel, whether it’s just bantering, or playing, or anything. He’s an incredibly tease when he’s around me, and I’m snarky. It kind of seems like we bring out certain aspects in each other, and that’s always interesting. He held the door for me earlier, and then reminded me that it was something odd I cause in him.  Later, when talking with Sinclair, he realized that he doesn’t hang around with a lot of femmes, so perhaps it was my amazing Femme Wiles.  Who knows?

I just felt very…I don’t know. Calm and safe around him. I like his “energy” if you want to call it that. And although he’s not outwardly (and definitely not fakely) nice, I think he understands much of me, and when he is nice, I know it’s genuine.  Also, playing with him was my first time playing in public, my first time with needles, my first time having sex in public, and really, my catalyst into more “hardcore” entry into the kink world. He’s also one of the few people I’ve been able to really, seriously cry in front of.

It was just incredibly nice seeing him again.  I’m glad we still have a lot of the same interactions, and I can’t wait for him to come visit in July.

That’s all.

-Essin’ Em 

Apparently, I exude confidence. Q tells me this, although she’s also now figured out that a lot of my confidence is a facade.

However, sometimes, exuding confidence can be a curse (although I’ve also been told that it’s a part of me that attracts others to me). Because people think that I have this amazing self image (which I somewhat do), and because they thing I think I’m hot stuff (which I pretty much don’t), I very rarely get told that I’m hot/sexy/cute/adorable/attractive/etc.

I noticed this a week or two ago in two ways. Firstly, a friend of mine was telling me she hates being called cute…why? Because she is *always* called cute, even when she dresses up in all kinds of hot and sexy. So she’s sick of being called cute. I began to think…when I dress up to the point where I think I’m hot, it’s still very rare that I am told stuff. I mean yes, people tell me my outfits are nice, or that my corset looks good, but they don’t tell ME that *I* look good.

Point two was when I thought about the amount of times I tell Q how good/hot/fuckable/attractive/can’t take my eyes off of her she looks, vs how many times I get told that type of thing from her. I mean, yes, I’m the super communicative one, and she isn’t, but still.  Up until a night a few weeks ago at a dungeon, I don’t ever recall her telling me that she liked how I looked.  I mean, I guess back in January she had said “I’m really attracted to you, but am emotionally unavailable,” but in that context, attracted could have nothing to do with looks.  I even asked her that same night whether she found me physically attractive.  She said yes, as thought it was obvious…but the problem is, it WASN’T obvious, at least not to me.

I was at this play party with her, in my red/black corset, shiny hot pants and knee high, patent leather, lace up, 4″ high boots.  Lots of drama went down (to be read about later), but as I sat on top of this cage, my legs wrapped around Q’s waist, she told me how much she liked my outfit, and how hot I looked.

I felt good. Strike that, it felt amazing. To be told by the person that I have sex with on a regular basis that I was hot. It doesn’t seem like it should be such a big deal, but damn it, it is.  I know that most people have lots of little insecurities, and so I try to tell people how attractive/interesting/smart/witty/resourceful/etc I find them, and to tell them often, to help combat our own self issues…but even in doing that, I never realized how much *I* needed someone(s) to do that for me.

So I spoke up. As much as I hate bringing up needs, I brought it up to her. I told her she need never lie, but if/when she found me attractive/hot/sexy/want-to-fuck-now-able, I’d really appreciate it if she said something. Because even us sex-goddess-fucking-machines need compliments now and again.

Since then, she has said something about a polka dot dress I was wearing…but only after I brought it up. However, she’s be reassuring me in other areas, like my sexual prowess, etc…so we’ll see how well my request will turn out.

Because sometimes, it’s just really nice to be told Darling, you look wonderful tonight!

-Essin’ Em