Book Review: Opening Up
I don’t get the opportunity to book reviews as much any more, but I just couldn’t keep quiet about this one. Opening Up, by Tristan Taormino is an absolutely brilliant book. Brilliant. It’s about non-monogamy and open relationships, but I would highly highly recommend it to anyone, regardless of their own personal relationship status. It’s a good way at looking at polyamory/polyfidelity/swinging/non-monogamy/etc, whether you personally participate in it, or are looking to do so, or to learn about it to understand more about the lifestyle’s of your friends, etc.
Like many sexuality minded people, I have read The Ethical Slut (considered to be one of the main texts for those exploring non-monogamy). In fact, I had it assigned for one of my classes in grad school. At the time, it was mind blowing. A book, where people talked about having sex with multiple partners, who they cared about, in a completely non-judgmental sense. Ka-boooom! I started exploring my non-monogamy around the same time.
Only one problem. The Ethical Slut, while a good book, seemed to be a) a bit old-fashioned, and b) only seemed to cover the kind of open relationships practiced by the authors, which wasn’t *my* kind of non-monogamy. I kept my copy, lending out to friends (including my lovely Moose), but I wasn’t satisfied.
And then, Opening Up came into my life. Tristan is one of my favorite sexuality educators, and she certainly doesn’t disappoint. For her book, she interviewed over one hundred people who practice non-monogamy in a variety of different ways. She has a great introduction, an interesting background on the history of non-monogamy/swinging, and a nice primer on “are non-monogamous relationships right for you?” The questions in this section are great, and I actually sat down with Q (having been in a non-monogamous relationship with her for quite some time), and really enjoyed the discussion that resulted from these questions.
Following that, she breaks down the book into chapters about different kinds of non-monogamy, from swinging to polyfidelity, to partnered non-monogamy (which is similar to Q and my relationship) to solo polyamory. Each section talks about the history, brings up important points of the relationship type, has a mini-story about a couple/group/person who practices that type of non-monogamy, and things to think about if that’s what you’re looking for.
Q and I read through some of these chapters together, and discussed our personal responses to many of the questions and statements. Many of the exercises in this book were “easy” and non-invasive enough for someone who isn’t the biggest communicator, but is trying her best to really talk and communicate.
I loved this book. I’ve already lent out my copy to Q and another friend. My Moose is next on the list, since she just finished the Ethical Slut. Tristan has never let me know with either her books or her movies, but this one really went the distance. Five out of five stars.
Get your own copy of Opening Up at Babeland, and I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!
-Essin’ Em
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i totally loved the breadth of the many relationship models that taormino discusses, and the fact that she goes out of her way to say that monogamy is a perfectly valid choice (assuming it is a choice not just the unexamined default).
my main qualm with the book was that it lacked some of the political edge that i’ve always appreciated in tristan’s other writing and speaking. i was particularly disappointed that she didn’t discuss power inequity within relationships as an issue that comes up with regard to the ease or difficulty with which partners can find other partners. perhaps i’m biased, because this is always the most difficult issue for me in doing non-monogamy.
she makes a nod to the idea when she gives a very brief example of one partner being a social butterfly and another being shy and introverted; the former will probably have more access to other partners than the later. but the introvert/extrovert example feels like a cop out when you consider parallel questions like what happens when one partner is disabled and the other able boded; one is white and the other a person of color; one is fat and the other thin; one is cis* and the other trans*; hiv+ and hiv-; etc., etc. these are much more politicized, structural inequities, and subsequently much harder to negotiate away.
i think sex positive thinkers/writers in general are really scared of the idea that it’s hard for some people to get access to sex and that the sexual economy very much parallels the general structure of social hierarchy. but, speaking from my own experience, this is something that enters into my relationships on a very tangible, practical level, especially when negotiating non-monogamy boundaries. so, i’m just waiting until one of you smart sexologist types can give me some advice about that.
Good sweet fucking Christ, polyfidelity actually gets some props?! This book is going on my wish list.
I second Essin Em. Amazing book. So well written, informative and practical. One of the best books I’ve read on any subject for a while.
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