my main qualm with the book was that it lacked some of the political edge that i’ve always appreciated in tristan’s other writing and speaking. i was particularly disappointed that she didn’t discuss power inequity within relationships as an issue that comes up with regard to the ease or difficulty with which partners can find other partners. perhaps i’m biased, because this is always the most difficult issue for me in doing non-monogamy.

she makes a nod to the idea when she gives a very brief example of one partner being a social butterfly and another being shy and introverted; the former will probably have more access to other partners than the later. but the introvert/extrovert example feels like a cop out when you consider parallel questions like what happens when one partner is disabled and the other able boded; one is white and the other a person of color; one is fat and the other thin; one is cis* and the other trans*; hiv+ and hiv-; etc., etc. these are much more politicized, structural inequities, and subsequently much harder to negotiate away.

i think sex positive thinkers/writers in general are really scared of the idea that it’s hard for some people to get access to sex and that the sexual economy very much parallels the general structure of social hierarchy. but, speaking from my own experience, this is something that enters into my relationships on a very tangible, practical level, especially when negotiating non-monogamy boundaries. so, i’m just waiting until one of you smart sexologist types can give me some advice about that.