Sexuality Happens

Communication IS key. I say it all the time – to friends, at workshops (whether on relationships or Strap On 101 or sensual sharp things), to readers.  It’s even part of my Sexual Manifesto regarding good sex. And it is important, very much so. Over the last few years, I’ve always tried my best to communicate, whether it’s a one night thing, or a relationship.

But this relationship, this one with Q, is the first relationship where I felt that the communication has actually worked, and been reciprocated. Granted, the great and fun sex I had with M and S in the past year was that; great and fun, and that certainly required good communication to get there. However, as far as relationships go, I have run into some communication fail, on both parts. When F and I were dating, there were times I felt I tried to communicate, and I felt that my wants and needs and thoughts were just being sucked into a black hole. Then there were the times she told me I was too logical, not emotional enough (if you’ve EVER met me, you’d know why that is slightly amusing), and that I didn’t communicate enough.  So then, I stopped communicating, and just told her what she wanted to hear, in a why that she COULD hear it, and COULD understand it.  My fault, yes, but had my communication been better received in the first place, I might not have resorted to just appeasing.

Every now and then, I do tell Q exactly what is is that she wants to hear. It’s a hard habit to break — I’m a people pleaser, and I don’t want people feeling bad, or that they’ve done something wrong. Luckily, this appeasement happens only occasionally. For the most part, I talk to her about things I’m feeling all the time, whether they be positive or negative.  

I feel comfortable enough with her that I’m able to be slightly less compulsive in her presence.  This means I can open my inbox, and only read one or two of my new emails, instead of all of them so that they aren’t bolded out against the rest. It means that I can be more spontaneous and not plan out every little aspect of my life.  Sometimes.

However, when that DOESN’T work, I feel like it’s completely ok to talk to her about it.  The other night, she had planned to come to the roller derby game I was reffing.  Then, she was invited to some friends’ housewarming party, so she planned to go to that. Fine.  That day, as I ran out the door to the rink, she said to call her when I was done so we could hang out.  Therefore, when people invited me to the after party, etc, I told them that I had prior plans. I texted her during half time, and she said she’d just gotten to the party, and I told her when I’d be done, and she responded positively. The trouble came once I was done. I called, and at first, she didn’t pick up. Then I called back, asked her if we were still on for hanging out, and she said not tonight.

While sometimes, I feel comfortable enough with her to be spontaneous and for plans to change, this wasn’t one of those times. It was pouring and freezing, and I just wanted to curl up in my warm car, drive up, and curl up in bed and cry.  To many, this may seem extreme. However, if you’re a planner who is meticulous about being on time and following through, and your plans suddenly change, and you’re already feeling depression coming on, it’s no good, especially when you’ve turned down other plans.

However, instead of just going home, curling up and crying, which was what I had planned, I opted rather to contact her (texting, as she was at a party), and let her know that the next time we hung out, we needed to check in about planning and feeling disappointment. We wound up having a quick text conversation that night, and then a more in-depth phone conversation the next morning about what my expectations had been (and whether they’d been accurate or not), and why I felt the way I did.  She apologized for her part in the mix-up, and I for mine, and we’re back on track, without me feeling used, ignored, or taking it out on her in any kind of passive aggressive stance.

THIS is what communication is about. Sometimes, as in my case, it involves breaking old habits of just saying “ok” or “I’m fine” when I’m really not. In her case, it involves opening up and sharing feelings, which is the antithesis of natural for her. Communication may be key, but that that doesn’t mean it’s easy. However, if you CAN get around whatever blocks are hold you and your partner(s) back, then it can work marvelously. This is my longest, and without a doubt, my healthiest relationship ever. It’s also my happiest to boot.  And what do I blame for that?

Well, communication, of course!

-Essin’ Em