Sexuality Happens

Q woke me up with ridiculously hot morning sex this morning.

It was pretty amazing.

Then I made her sit on her needs, legs open, hands behind her neck as I played with her nipples and clit…until she fell over as she came.

And then, I made her lie back on the bed and tortured her with the Hitachi until she absolutely couldn’t take it anymore, and then a let her come again.

Finally, we cuddled.

All is well in the world.

I am not your average person. To some, I am viewed as a conglomeration of either minority identities, or someone who just happens to have some many socially unaccepted identities.

While I am not a person of color, which is often seen as the only minority, I AM a queer, disabled, Jewish, fat, kinky, tattooed/alternative sex worker. Phew, that was a mouthful.  And often, these identities try to affect me in a negative way.  I get hate emails about “how come all the kink girls are fat” and “you’d be so much prettier if only you weighed half as much.”  I get people that sigh when they have to wait for me to go around to the ramp, or for the elevator, instead of just taking the stairs. I’ve been called a kyke and been told I’m going to hell for not believing in Jesus. Some jobs have rejected me because I’m too alternative, even though I’ve covered up my tattoos and dyed my hair a ‘normal’ color to apply.

You name an identity of mine, and I have been some how made to feel bad about it. I’ve cried my eyes out about my fear of when I have to have a wheel chair, about not being able to shop in ‘normal’ stores because their clothes don’t fit, about being blamed for the lack of a Christmas tree in our high school commons my senior year, etc. I’ve been made to feel bad about all of these parts of me.

However, I NEVER had allowed anyone to let me feel bad about being queer.  While I feel that I’ve stood up and spoken out for many, if not all, of my identities, I always speak up about this.  I’ve gone to wedding show with my best friend, and have gotten in arguments with tuxedo stores about fitting women in them, and bridal shops about having two brides. I’ve held hands walking down the street with my partner in Philly, despite people threatening physical violence at us.  I’ve chosen not to buy from vendors who are anti-queer. I write letters to companies when they have homophobic staff. Until recently, I had never once let myself be brought down because of my queer identity.

When Q and I were in Arizona for her job interview, the climate felt different. Unlike Philly and Colorado Springs, where people are outwardly and vocal anti-queer, it wasn’t ever spoken. However, both Q and I felt uncomfortable holding hands walking down the street (something that has NEVER happened to me before), and people stared at us regularly.  We went to a “lesbian bar” (not a dyke bar, and definitely not a queer bar), where all the women looked the same, dressed the same, acted the same.  None had visible tattoos, and only the bartender had a non-conventional, perhaps butch appearance. Even in a bar of lesbians, everyone stared at us.  Q tried to brush it off for a little, telling me they all wanted me, were undressing me with their eyes, thinking about fucking me. However, it very quickly became clear that it was not a lustful staring. Rather, they were just staring.

We ate at a large, chain restaurant.  Everyone around us was getting served, having their order taken. It took us 25 minutes for anyone to even come over and ask what we wanted to drink…but all the families and straight (appearing) couples seemed to have no problem getting their orders taken, getting their food, getting refills, paying their bill. Just us.

At that moment, I felt gross. I felt disgusted. Half of me was my angry, sassy self, wanting to talk to a manager about our treatment, but the other half felt beaten down. It wasn’t just the restaurant – it was the whole time in Arizona feels silently judged and berated for who I am, who I love, my identity.

After a good cathartic cry in the pool, I felt better, and got back on my horse.  But I realized I’m tired. I’m tired of always having to defend myself, whether it’s for being queer or fat or disable or alternative or fill in the blank.  Yes, it’s nice when people thank me for standing up, and being visible, and “fighting the good fight.” But I don’t want to fight. I just want to be. But how can I, when just being makes me feel so bad about myself.

I don’t have any answers. But I sure as hell will keep looking.

-Essin’ Em

I write all of the reviews on here, or have, up until now.  The thing is, I don’t review most of the items by myself.  And while I usually try to put in Q’s opinion (or anyone else I’ve tried it with), I think it’s important to share her ACTUAL opinion, instead of my version of her opinion.  Because how someone feels about any particular sex toy can be very important, especially since we often have dissenting opinions (most often on vibrators, amusingly enough). And so, with no further ado, I present Q’s first guest review on my blog.

Hi Folks, 

This is Q, subbing in for Essin’Em as a guest reviewer for the Onye Vibrator.

I like vibrators. A lot. I have depended on my trusty basic vibrating bullet for many many years now. I am often skeptical of new ones because I’m the kind of dyke that goes by the philosophy that newer (or different) is not necessarily better. If it gets the job done, why complain? What can I say — I’m pretty old school with my sex toys (well, until Essin’Em and I have been having mind blowing sex with her ever growing inventory of just about every sex toy, ever.) So I’m not going to lie, I was hesitant at first about the Onye, but as soon as Essin’ Em grazed that vibrator on my throbbing clit, I was hooked. Not only is this toy amazing with the assistance of a partner, but it has become my new favorite toy whenever I need a quick fix (of orgasms, that is).

So why do I like this toy so much? To start, it’s black. A nice sexy, sleek color that doesn’t make the drawer on my nightstand look like a little girl’s with pink and purple and other predominately “feminine” colors. Also, it is a smidge larger than my other bullet, making it much better at hitting all the right spots around my clit and lips. It has an assortment of vibrating varieties for those of us who do not like a constant vibrating sensation or prefer a tease every once in a while. But I do enjoy number 3, the higher of the constant vibrations to get me off effectively and efficiently, every time. Another major factor that makes this toy superior from my basic bullet is that the Onye has a simple button at the end you can push to change gears. There is no searching for the handheld device attached to the wire that is no where to be found when you’re desperate for a higher setting. With the Onye, all you have to do is press the easily accessible button and ta-da, you’re once again in orgasmic bliss. So if you’re looking for a really good, yet simple vibrator, this would be it. There are a variety of settings that are not too intense for those of us who are little more sensitive and prefer something a little gentler than the ravenous roar of the Hitachi (sometimes I gasp in fear when Essin’ Em reaches for the Hitachi).

Well, after all that talk about the Onye vibe, I think I should go re-test it. Just to make sure I’m giving it an accurate review.

Peace,

Q.

Another old gem, this one from my time in Philly.

My best friend and I were waiting at the train station, and decided to take some silly pictures.  This is one.

Nekkid? Not per se. However, my stomach is my least favorite part of my body, so the fact that you see it at all?  Very unique, and slightly nekkid.

So, have fun, be yourself, and lie down in train stations when you can!

Happy half nekkid Thursday!

-Essin’ Em

Communication IS key. I say it all the time – to friends, at workshops (whether on relationships or Strap On 101 or sensual sharp things), to readers.  It’s even part of my Sexual Manifesto regarding good sex. And it is important, very much so. Over the last few years, I’ve always tried my best to communicate, whether it’s a one night thing, or a relationship.

But this relationship, this one with Q, is the first relationship where I felt that the communication has actually worked, and been reciprocated. Granted, the great and fun sex I had with M and S in the past year was that; great and fun, and that certainly required good communication to get there. However, as far as relationships go, I have run into some communication fail, on both parts. When F and I were dating, there were times I felt I tried to communicate, and I felt that my wants and needs and thoughts were just being sucked into a black hole. Then there were the times she told me I was too logical, not emotional enough (if you’ve EVER met me, you’d know why that is slightly amusing), and that I didn’t communicate enough.  So then, I stopped communicating, and just told her what she wanted to hear, in a why that she COULD hear it, and COULD understand it.  My fault, yes, but had my communication been better received in the first place, I might not have resorted to just appeasing.

Every now and then, I do tell Q exactly what is is that she wants to hear. It’s a hard habit to break — I’m a people pleaser, and I don’t want people feeling bad, or that they’ve done something wrong. Luckily, this appeasement happens only occasionally. For the most part, I talk to her about things I’m feeling all the time, whether they be positive or negative.  

I feel comfortable enough with her that I’m able to be slightly less compulsive in her presence.  This means I can open my inbox, and only read one or two of my new emails, instead of all of them so that they aren’t bolded out against the rest. It means that I can be more spontaneous and not plan out every little aspect of my life.  Sometimes.

However, when that DOESN’T work, I feel like it’s completely ok to talk to her about it.  The other night, she had planned to come to the roller derby game I was reffing.  Then, she was invited to some friends’ housewarming party, so she planned to go to that. Fine.  That day, as I ran out the door to the rink, she said to call her when I was done so we could hang out.  Therefore, when people invited me to the after party, etc, I told them that I had prior plans. I texted her during half time, and she said she’d just gotten to the party, and I told her when I’d be done, and she responded positively. The trouble came once I was done. I called, and at first, she didn’t pick up. Then I called back, asked her if we were still on for hanging out, and she said not tonight.

While sometimes, I feel comfortable enough with her to be spontaneous and for plans to change, this wasn’t one of those times. It was pouring and freezing, and I just wanted to curl up in my warm car, drive up, and curl up in bed and cry.  To many, this may seem extreme. However, if you’re a planner who is meticulous about being on time and following through, and your plans suddenly change, and you’re already feeling depression coming on, it’s no good, especially when you’ve turned down other plans.

However, instead of just going home, curling up and crying, which was what I had planned, I opted rather to contact her (texting, as she was at a party), and let her know that the next time we hung out, we needed to check in about planning and feeling disappointment. We wound up having a quick text conversation that night, and then a more in-depth phone conversation the next morning about what my expectations had been (and whether they’d been accurate or not), and why I felt the way I did.  She apologized for her part in the mix-up, and I for mine, and we’re back on track, without me feeling used, ignored, or taking it out on her in any kind of passive aggressive stance.

THIS is what communication is about. Sometimes, as in my case, it involves breaking old habits of just saying “ok” or “I’m fine” when I’m really not. In her case, it involves opening up and sharing feelings, which is the antithesis of natural for her. Communication may be key, but that that doesn’t mean it’s easy. However, if you CAN get around whatever blocks are hold you and your partner(s) back, then it can work marvelously. This is my longest, and without a doubt, my healthiest relationship ever. It’s also my happiest to boot.  And what do I blame for that?

Well, communication, of course!

-Essin’ Em

In response to this here tweet by the lovely Sinclair Sexsmith, I’ve compiled a list of my favorite ten toys.  While I don’t own every sex toy invented (still holding out for the Eleven, the Esse, the Eroscillator, and any other cool toys made of aluminum (which I DON’T have ANY of yet!), marble (to go with my granite), or other funky materials), I have been fortunate enough through my work and this blog to try a large variety.  And since I understand that not everyone gets that lucky, and would like to know which ones are worth buying and spending the money on, here is a list of my top ten. I’m also going to have Q make a list of her top 5 for the future, so you get some different view points.

I’m including things that are not toys per se; lubes, throws, etc. However, I am saving books and porn for a different list.

All the following items have the Essin’ Em Seal of Orgasmic Approval.

-Essin’ Em

10. Fun Factory Curve – Big surprise to me, but this is great for both masturbating and using it on Q.  Design is perfect for stimulating G-spot, and the little handle is quite helpful, if I do say so myself!

9. Smart Balls – These are super fun for doing kegel exercises (at home, in the apartment building, at the grocery store, etc), and are also a blast to have in with a vibe on your clit.  Every cunt should have a set!

8. Lelo Gigi – Second best vibrator, and designed perfectly for both clitoral stimulation OR internal penetration and vibrator.  Comes in lots of fun colors now, and is rechargeable! 

7. Pjur’s Eros Body Glide and Aqua – Bodyglide is a wonderful silicone based lube that I love for longer sex sessions, fisting, sex in water, etc.  Aqua is an amazing water based lube that is fabulous for use with any toys, or any other kind of sex.

6. Thigh Harness – Cheap, but absolutely awesome!  Allows you to have sex in such a huge variety of positions, is disability friendly, and is machine washable.  Brilliant!

5. Vampire Gloves – SO MUCH FUN! These are great for sensual play to much rougher, edgy play.  Causes lots of tingles and goosebumps, or can be used harder to make marks. Have yet to find ANYONE who doesn’t absolutely love these!

4. The SpareParts Harness – Most comfortable harness EVER. Also, adjustable for ALL sizes (small-very large), so it’s great for use for everyone. Machine washable makes it easy to keep clean, and it’s easy to wear if one is packing underneath clothing. Something everyone should invest in!

3. The Fascinator Throe – Brilliant for pretty much everything. Protects sheets/furniture/etc against come, ejaculatory fluid, wax, lube, sweat, food, etc. Is then even more brilliant as it is MACHINE WASHABLE!

2. The NobEssence Tryst – the wood feels wonderful, it’s dual-sided depending on what you’re wanting, and it hits my g-spot abos-fucking-perfectly.

1. The Hitachi Magic Wand – This is THE. BEST. VIBRATOR. EVER. I love love love it. It can be used for any gender, any sex, by yourself or with a partner, kindly or torturously, you name it.  I happen to be the leader of the Hitachi cult, and plan to stay that way.

As many of you know, I have long been craving a vulva pillow, or even a fair trade vulva puppet for my presentations.  While these are pretty expensive and I don’t expect to get either, someone did pass this amazing etsy site my way.

It’s for VulvaLoveLovely.

What is their statement about this shop?

A little feminist shop of Vulva love.

♀ Love your Vagina, Love the Vaginas you meet, Foster understanding and appreciation of Vagina, Be happy with your Vagina ♀

Amazing!  You can get a cute stuffed uterus.

Or how about a vulva necklace?

Even a vagina lovin’ mug:

Basically, it’s an awesome site, and I’m psyched to have found it.  If anyone is looking for a present for me…well, any item from this site would be welcome :)  Start thinking for your friends and family for holiday presents as well!

Viva la vulva!

-Essin’ Em

Oh, ho. It’s time for a socio-political post/rant. Please note that if you don’t like my opinions, you are welcome to dissent.  However, you must do so politely.  Rude comments and trolls will be deleted.

Not so radical statement of the day; if you are against equality of marriage (people being allowed to get married regardless of sex, gender, or presentation), you are telling a portion of the population, myself included, that we are second-class citizens, that we’re not as good as you.

Go ahead, dissent, PLEASE. I actually really want you to. Why? Because I have yet to hear a proper arugement against marriage equality.

Let me put forth that I don’t, in general, support marriage being a governmental activity. I mean, I’m all for weddings (religious or non-religious, unless they’re just ridiculously expensive) and commitment ceremonies and handfastings. I just don’t think there should be rights tied to ANYONE’S marriage, regardless. However, since there ARE rights (over a thousand, at last count) tied to being married, then I think everyone should be allowed to enter into a governmental marriage. 

I know, I haven’t written a lot on it. Colorado turned down a referendum to offer civil unions in 2006, and there wasn’t anything marriage equality specific on the ballot last fall.  While prop 8 was a big deal, and I’m so proud of Iowa, NH and other places, it hasn’t directly affected me.

But I have marinated on it a lot. And at the end of August, when Q and I were in Phoenix, and for the first time in my life I actually felt BAD for being queer, I realized it was time I speak up.

Let’s look at some arguements. Not just ones I’ve heard about, but ones that have been said to my face.

“If teh gays marry, people will want to marry their dogs.”

Riiiiight. Ok. So I’m not sure if you’re telling me that as a gay/queer person, I’m on the same rights level as a dog…but if you are, you’re a douche hat.  Also, beastiality is illegal. Being queer in America isn’t. Done.

“Being gay is an abomination according to god/the bible defines marriage as between a man and a woman.”

Last time I checked, America was supposed to have separation of church and state.  So really, while your bible/god may matter a hell of a lot to you, it doesn’t matter (or shouldn’t matter) to the government.  Also, I’m sorry your god is a hateful and/or venegful god.  I think god should be all about minding your own business.  I bet you’d be pretty pissed if I told you that you couldn’t drive on public roads to get to church, because my taxes went towards your roads, and I didn’t believe in you going to church.

“If gays get married, it’ll make my hetero marriage so much less valid/you’re fucking with the sanctity of marriage”

Why?

True. I mean, it’s not like people get drunk and marry strangers in Las Vegas, get married to friends to avoid mandatory student housing in college, get married to gain rights/citizenships, get married and get divorced 1 years/6 months/48 hours later.

OH WAIT. I know people who have sone ALL OF THOSE.  What sanctity of marriage?

“Well, I’m not homophobic/am pro-gay, I just am against gay marriage/marriage equality.”

THIS. PISSES. ME. OFF.

That’s like saying “it’s not like I’m anti-cripple.  I just think that they don’t deserve to have elevators or ramps to get around.” Or “it’s not like I’m racist. I just don’t think black kids should go to school with white kids.” Or “I’m not sexist, I just don’t think women belong in office jobs.”

Ditto for people that think civil unions are the solution. Yes, it’s a step, but it is NOT the same thing. It’s saying “seperate but equal,” which as you may remember, was used to perpetuate racism.

How dare you (whoever you is) make me feel bad for being who I am, and how dare you tell me that I’m not as good as you because I am not just like you in my preference of lovers/partners.

If you against marriage equality, you are perpetuating homophobia, hate and biogtry.  You made not agree, but that’s what it boils down to.

Imagine not being able to see the person you’ve loved all your life in the ICU or OR as they are slipping away, and you can’t even say goodbye, or tell them how much you love them, because you don’t have the rights. Imagine not being able to pick your adopted child up from school, because you’re not a “legal” guardian because it’s illegal.  Imagine not being able to split up your assests through divorce preceedings because you were never really together, so it doesn’t matter if s/he leaves will all your stuff, and your kid(s). Imaging you have amazing health insurance and your partner REALLY needs it (for surgery, for cancer, for anything), and you can’t share it with them. Imagine not qualifying for a house/car/etc because the loan company wouldn’t combine your incomes because you’re not legally married. Now imagine over one thousand other situations like this.

Yeah. If you are against marriage equality (which can be either allowing everyone to get governmentally married, or not having governmental marriage period), you are subjegating an entire group of people.

I’m sure I’ll get a ton of hate mail on this. I’m ready. Because really, I don’t have much to lose, do I? It’s not like my partner and I are even close to being considered real citizens.  Shame on you in advance, and bring it on.

-Essin’ Em

I’ve always liked bondage and kink. However, as first a college student in the dorms, then a starving grad student renting cheap apartments, and now a poor and starving unemployed person with a college degree and a graduate degree and no job leads renting a condo from someone who can’t sell it and needs help with his morgage, building my own dungeon, or even installing eyebolts into the walls that I don’t own has usually seemed like a no-no.

However, there IS an answer for those of us bondage inclined but living in rented space; the Under the Bed Restraint System.

It’s brilliant, really.  It looks like a giant X of nylon webbing that can be installed on almost any bed (I’ve tried it on doubles and queen-sized beds – I can’t speak for king sized sets). If you’re like me and don’t care how much of a pervert you look like, there’s no issue with letting the ends hang down for the world to see. If you’re more like Q, and actually like having a fairly traditional looking apartment (minus her love for Che and poster of radical politcal buttons), you can just as easily tuck them under the corners of the mattress when in use. The webbing is adjustable, so you can a) make it fit different beds, and b) put the cuffs on loosely and then tighten (and subsequently loosen) your victim/lover/partner/hook-up.

I say cuffs. You’ll notice it doesn’t really come with cuffs. It comes with these felt velcro thingies. This is the one major failing of this system.  They suck. There is no way around it.  I mean, they don’t even come close to being usable.  Cheap $15 or $20 cuffs you can buy at your local sex toy store are better than these. We use nicer ones on the one under my bed along with snaphooks or caribeeners to attach them…and are in the process of procuring some for Q’s.  The felt ones they come with can be undone with out any effort, and worse yet, come off by themselves even if you’re not trying to get them to come off, if you pull too hard against them.

That aside, I really love how adjustable this is.  If I want Q spread eagle on the bed, everything flat, I can do that. If I want her arms out, and legs bent but secured in position, I can do that. If I want just her arms tied, so I can move her legs around where I want them, done.  And if you want to move the system from home to home (or let’s say that F hypothetically-in-reality breaks my bed, and I have to take everything off and put it back together on a new frame), it’s really easy to take off and put back on. You can even do it by yourself, assuming you can balance the mattress on your hip or head.

All in all, I love this affordable bondage system. College students, those with only one income, etc, can afford it, unlike some fancy restraint systems or bondage bed sheets.  I’m so glad Babeland is carrying this.  On the other hand, the cuff it comes with are pretty crap-tastic, and I HIGHLY recommend getting your own set of some kind better quality restraints.

Otherwise, I give this 4.5 stars out of 5. It only loses half a point for the cuffs.  As a side note, I’ve had one of these (this one was for Q’s bed) for more than two years, use it regularly, and nothing has ever broken or stretched or anything.  Good investment!

Click here to get your very own Under the Bed Restraint System.

-Essin’ Em

Everyone has their super hero alter ego.

This is mine.

That is all.

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!

-Essin’ Em