Written by me for my new series “Sex 411: The Sex Ed You Never Learned in School.”  Reposted from Good Vibrations Magazine. 

Lube. Maybe you love it, maybe you don’t, but I’m willing to bet a fair amount of money that you never learned about it in your middle/high school sex education classes.  Hell, maybe you still have no idea about it. Many people don’t.

I am a huge proponent of lube. In fact, I even have a button that I wear proudly; lube is love. Perhaps you are asking why I’m such a lube lover. Let me give you the lowdown on why lube is so great.

First of all, lube can make things easier.  You know when a ring is stuck on someone’s finger and they put vasoline or butter on it to help slide it off?  Or when you’re trying to get a bullet vibe in or out of a dildo, and a drop of lube helps it pop right out (or in)?  Lube helps to pave the way.  Let’s say you’re trying to stick something (penis, dildo, cock, fingers, etc) into something (usually a vagina/cunt/anus). Why WOULDN’T you want to make it a smoother entry? To slide right in instead of having to force something is one of the great things about lube.

Now, you might be thinking “but my/my partner lubricates fabulously all on their own.” Great!  Perhaps you don’t need a little extra help. However, natural lube can dry up fairly quickly, plus there are so many reasons someone might not be lubricating much (or at all); antihistamines (any allergy meds), hormonal birth control, a plethora of other medications and medical conditions, stress in your/their daily life, hearing kids running around in the other room, etc. Plus, some people just don’t have a lot of natural lube. And that’s perfectly ok. Easiest solution to this is to grab some lube and add it to your sex life.

Talking about adding lube — anuses, although pretty spiffy, are not able to lubricate on their own. At all. Period.  Ergo, if you are putting things in a butt (your own or someone else), PLEASE use lube.  Even if it’s just spit, use something. If you’re trying for some hot anal sex, and haven’t ever done it before, use lube. It’s really hard to slide something big into something small if you’ve got a ton of friction going on.

Let’s speak to condoms for a moment. Poor condoms get such a bad rap. However, one little trick to making them feel better for all parties involved is lube!  Put a small drop…and when I say small, I mean small, inside the condom before the wearer puts it on.  Then, put a little more lube either on the outside of the condom or wherever the condom is going to be going.  Voila! Less friction equals more sensation, and you’re still having safer sex.

How much is the right amount? Start out with a little, as you can add a little more and a little more until it feels just right…kind of like a pervy goldilocks.  Too much, and soon you’ve turned sex into a slip n’ slide; not enough, and it totally defeats the purpose of using lube. 

What happens when you’ve been going at it for a while, and your lube starts to dry up a bit? Instead of adding more and more and more and turning it into a sticky, goopy mess, most lubes reactivate with a little bit of water.  This can be spit, sprinkling some water from a drinking glass, or my personal favorite; using a squirt gun. Get creative.

There are, for all intents and purposes, three types of lube; water based, silicone based and oil based.

Oil based lube (such as boy butter) are great jack off lubes. They stick around a long time, are very slick, and well, they’re designed for wanking.  However, they are NOT ok to put inside cunts, and there is a great debate as to whether oil is butt friendly. Granted, people have been using Crisco for years, but if you want to be sure of being body-friendly, don’t put oil based lubed inside you. Additionally, oil of any kind dissolves latex…meaning oil based lubes and any latex condoms/gloves/dams are mortal enemies.  Safer sex and oil based lubes don’t belong together.

A good amount of the lubes available, especially at your local drug store, and many sex toy providers, is water based. This means the main ingredient is water, and that it will wash off easily. It doesn’t have the staying power of oil based or silicone based, but it is definitely vagina/cunt/anus friendly, is easy to get off when you’re done, and reactivates with a little water. Additionally, it is latex friendly AND will not harm silicone toys.

Silicone lubes are available primarily online – you’ll be hard pressed to find them at the drugstore, although your local sex toy/adult store might carry it. It does not wash away very easily, making it good for sex in the shower/pool, or if you’re planning on going at it for a while. The number one thing to know about silicone lube is that you CANNOT use it with silicone toys.  It may melt them, or turn them into a Swiss cheese consistency, etc. Keep them separate. However, silicone lubes IS latex friendly, and although there are a few dissenting voices, it is generally considered friendly for vaginas/cunts/anuses.

Some of the water based lubes contain glycerin, and quite a few people have negative reactions to it, including getting yeast infections — since glycerin is made from glucose, which is sugar.  If you’re having problems with your lube, or you KNOW that you’re prone to yeast infections, make sure your lube is glycerin (and paraben) free.  Some good glycerin free, water based options are Maximus, Sliquid, Probe and O’My.

As a note, some (although not all) flavored lubes do contain sugars of various types. Sugars + cock = not an issue. Sugars + vagina/cunt = yeast infections. Read the ingredients, and know what you’re putting in your body!

Lube is love, folks. There are so many choices out there, and so many great reasons to use it, from exploring new territory to increasing sensation, and much more. With all the positives and the lack of negatives, why not give lube a good college try?

-Essin’ Em

My good friend Sasha Sappho posted this on her blog a while ago, and I just re-discovered it. Enjoy.

(PS – for anyone that didn’t know, I’m one of “those gays”)

-Essin’ Em

So I wrote a post back in Augusts about some of the Sex and Kinky Things I Want to Do (although I have accomplished at least two things on that list since I posted it).

Ergo, it’s now time to write some non-sex/kink centric things I’d like to do.

*Take a Mediterranean cruise

*Visit Alaska

*Visit Italy

*Go to an NHL hockey game

*Have a fun weekend getaway with Q

*See Spamalot

*See a show on Broadway

*Live in another country for a least a year

*Get committed under a Chupah

*Own a house with Q.  3+ bedroom

*Get my PhD

*Teach at a college as a professor

*Open my own toy store/book store (and sell cupcakes and maybe Boba tea)

*Find a job that pays well (ish), has insurance, and I enjoy working

*Have a hysterectomy

*Have my next four knee surgeries, so I can walk up stairs, properly

*Go on a Birth Right Israel trip

*Visit Q’s favorite place in Mexico

*Visit Q’s family in NY

*Start hosting a queer play party in Phoenix

*Learn to cook more vegan food for my vegan friends

*Get back to the weight where I feel most comfortable

*Make money doing what I love

*Have a better relationship (if possible) with my mother

*Dye my hair bright red again

*Get a new (or new used) working car…preferably an HHR or Caliber. In silver or white.

*Learn to read music

*Get a huge kitchen with an island!

I turn three today. Well, to be more specific, Sexuality Happens does. And I’m having an AWESOME contest to celebrate!

I’m having a preeeetty snazzy blogiversary contest. No, really.  A lot of the companies I’m affiliated with have stepped up to offer some kick as prizes.  I’ve got schwag from Sex Toy.com, Babeland, For Your Nympohmation, the Crash Pad Series, Good Vibrations, Extreme Restraints, Vibe Review, etc.  Please make sure you head over their their sites, and thank them for their freaking awesome donations.

How does this work? Below is the official Essin’ Em scavanger hunt.  Your mission, if you choose to accept it (and want the prizes…or are just bored), is to figure out the most possible answers. How? Any way you want. Many of them are here on www.Essin-Em.com, whether blog posts, or on pages, banners, etc.  Some of them, you may need to venture else where. You can ask people on Twitter, Facebook, Fetlife, etc. You can band together with other bloggers as a team (and share the prizes). You can google me. However you want to (short of showing up on my doorstep), you can find the answers.

Once you get all of the answers that you can, you needed to put up a blog post (if you don’t have a blog, you can put it up on facebook, livejournal, etc. If you don’t have ANY of those, email me, and we’ll work something out). In this post, write a little schtick about the contest and link to this page.  Then, post what you think all of the answers are. Finally, head back over here and leave a comment with a link to said post. Following that, you wait.

I’m giving y’all a MONTH to find the answers. A whole month.  Ergo, the deadline to post your post and comment here is 11:59 PM Mountain Standard Time on November 18, 2009.

There will be THREE prize packs awarded.

Prize pack one is for the entry that has the most CORRECT answers.

It will contain:

A FYN Foot long case in RED from For Your Nymphomation

A two month long, level 2 CrashPadSeries.com membership from Pink and White

A fantasy swing (worth $130!) from SexToy.com (winner will need to pay shipping)

A super fabulous Hitachi Magic Wand from Vibe Review

A Zeus Electrosex Deluxe Digital Power Box with Insertable Attachment from Extreme Restraints

Under the Bed Restraints from Babeland

Prize pack two is for the entry that had the most UNIQUE/ORIGINAL/CREATIVE answers.

It will contain:

A FYN Foot long case in BLACK from For Your Nymphomation

A two month long, level 2 CrashPadSeries.com membership from Pink and White

A Bed Bindings restraint kit from SexToy.com (winner will need to pay shipping)

A Goliath Silicone Dildo from Vibe Review

A Zeus Electrogasm from Extreme Restraints

A Thigh Harness from Babeland

Prize pack three will be drawn randomly of all the entries, so that everyone has a chance to win something.

It will contain:

A FYN Foot long case in PURPLE from For Your Nymphomation

A Tantus Ryder butt plug from SexToy.com (winner will need to pay shipping)

A bottle of Pjur Aqua water-based lubricant from Vibe Review

An Odyssey Tickler from Babeland.

A USB Charging Lelo Mia Vibrator available from www.GoodVibes.com,

Essin’ Em Scavenger Hunt

How old I am:

My real name:

The names of my cats:

The number of lettered partners (ex: Q) I have had on my blog, and list them:

Five of the companies I do review for (or have in the past):

Where my first job was in the “adult industry”:

My number one porn star crush:

What happens everytime I get another 100 followers on Twitter:

Who created my Facebook Fan Page:

One blogger who helped me to find/understand my Femme identity:

How many tattoos I have, and what they are (bonus if you know their meanings):

The other country have I lived in:

Number of states I’ve presented/taught in (bonus for which ones):

My absolute favorite toy ever is:

Two of my favorite kinky activities:

Eight sex/uality bloggers I have met in person:

Three issues I feel VERY strongly on:

Five of my top ten toys/lube/etc:

Three of the four porn companies I’ve shot for:

The color I am allergic to:

Two of my favorite colors (bonus for all three):

My degrees are in:

One of my favorite body parts:

What is special about my tongue:

Site my advice panel is on:

Site my column is on:

BONUS QUESTIONS:

The number of comments on this blog:

The number of posts on this blog:

The week or two ago, Sequoia wrote an interesting post about nudity and sexuality.  It got me thinking.

What is wrong with nudity? I mean, seriously. There are few things I love more in this world (Q, our cats, sex, reading a good book, etc) than hanging around naked. Whether it’s reading in bed nude, my body against the sheets, or standing out in the warm sun with not a stich of clothes, and cuddling naked with Q on the couch, I absolutely LOVE being naked.

And yet, even though we’re born naked, it feels good to be naked, even though it’s just as healthy to be naked, society has a huge beef with it. 

Because obviously nudity = sex/pervert.  It’s apparently impossible to be naked without clearly wanting to have sex with anyone and everyone in your path.  Nude beaches are few and far between, as are nudist colonies, and people are shocked about those that attend these areas. Moreover, homophobia comes into play, because for some reason, people think that anyone who is gay and naked is now a pedophile.

Sequoia talked about how she sub-conciously likes to touch herself when she’s naked. I’m the same way…although I don’t even need to be completely naked to be doing that without thinking about. It’s not usually in a sexual sense — I have an itch, or am enjoying the breeze, or it just feels nice to have touch all over my body with nothing in the way.

Why is this so bad?  I hated my body, HATED it, until I started the tradition of my car being a topless car for everyone in it after 2am.  Let me tell you, this increased my body image SO much, seeing other people naked, getting to be naked, etc. Ditto goes for thee nude pictures we took and auctioned off  the three years I was in the Vagina Monologues in undergrad.

Nudity save my life. My horrible self-image of my body contributed to  some of my epic depression. It still does at times…I mean, I watch porn I’ve made, and question this roll, or that scar at times. Or I have days where I don’t fit into my favorite outfit the way I want. Granted, I love my body for the most part now, but I still, just like anyone else, have days I question my body and my body image.

But I KNOW how much worse it would be if I hadn’t learned to love being nude. Between theatre, and pictures, and porn, and kink, and living on my own where I can wander around my apartment (and Q’s place) completely naked, sleep naked, bake naked (and cook in an apron — hot oil is hot).

So why are we so against nudity. Other than the possibility of sunburns, or hot oil burns, why have we developed a hatred of nudity, and why have so many nudist developed this high level of homophobia.  We’re born without clothes, without significant sexual attractions (although fetuses and infants DO masturbate, P-fucking-S). When do we learn to be ashamed of our bodies, and to be horrified by different orientations, making assumtions about them? Why?

-Essin’ Em

LoveHoney sent me this fancy schmancy new toy to review; the Sqwheel.  It was the Design a Sex Toy Contest winner of 2007, and has finally come into actuality.

What is it? It’s not quite a vibrator, not quite anything else. It’s essentially a tongue toy. What? Yes. A wheel of tongues. Yeah.

Behold:

Yeah. That’s what I said.  It’s nice, because it comes with a cover for the tongues (so they don’t attract lint/cat hair quite as easily.)

So in order to try it out, I lit some candles, grabbed some lubed, and hopped into bed. The current instructions didn’t say much (if anything) about lube, but we all know how I feel about lube, so into bed it came.  (Since then, I’ve been told that they’re putting a sticker on the box recommending lube, as some people were concerned about friction burns from non-lubed tongues). 

After lubing up the Sqwheel, I turned it on to the lowest of the three settings (you know, low/medium/high).  I failed at using it the first few times — I’m so used to pressing a vibe hard against my clit , like when I grip the Hitachi. However, you have to be very light handed with the Sqwheel, as too much pressure will stop the turn of the wheel. 

Once I got the hand of it, it worked a littler better. There is no maybe about lube; it is a must.  Seriously.

The feel of it was ok, but it wasn’t anything for me to write home about it.  I tried to use with toys inside me, to see if I liked it better. It didn’t feel bad — to the contrary. It felt quite nice, and actually the most similar to oral sex of any toy I’ve ever tried. However, just like I can’t come from cunnilingus, I couldn’t come from the toy.

Q, on the other hand, had a much different opinion. She really liked the toy, on all the different settings. After playing with it for a while, her clit was huge and very sensitive (however, trying to fuck her while she used it was an exercise in futility, as it is a very big toy, and not easy to maneuver around).

Better yet, this toy pops apart, so that you can clean it easily, which is nice. Please note that while this toy IS phthalate free, it is NOT made of silicone, so you can NOT sterilize.  I shared with Q, as we are fluid bound, but I can’t share it with anyone else.

All in all, it really is a brilliant designed toy, and different than anything else I’ve ever seen or tested.  If you like the feeling of a tongue on your clit, there is a very good possibility that you’ll absolutely love the Sqwheel, just like Q.  If oral sex isn’t your cuppa tea, then this isn’t the toy for you.  Four stars (out of five).

Click here to get a Sqweel of your very own.

-Essin’ Em

This picture is an oldie, but a goodie. Putting it up to show some costume-y, halloween like spirit! 

Obviously, I was off to the Pirate Ball — hence the boobies, the dagger tucked in the cleavage, and the temporary Jolly Roger tattoo.

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday to y’all. I’ll have more exciting things up upon my recovery.

-Essin’ Em

Hey all!

I have a new online weekly column for the Denver queer paper Out Front Colorado.  It goes up every Tuesday, and you can read all my Front Range Femme columns here.

What’s the whole dealio? From the mouth of Out Front Colorado:

Shanna Katz’s Front Range Femme column appears weekly on OFCB. Shanna will be blogging about kinky queer sexuality in all its aspects. Her posts will sometimes be explicit and may cover controversial material like BDSM, role-playing, sexual assault, and may include language which could be considered offensive. If you find this type of material offensive or inappropriate, please visit other pages on the blog or go back to the OFCB home page.

Shanna is a queer, kinky, sex-positive Femme and sex educator – a personable professional pervert, if you will. After presenting classes and workshops throughout the US, she is thrilled to be back home in Denver. For information on discussions, workshops, sex coaching, play parties, body-healthy sex toy parties and more, please visit www.ShannaKatz.com. She also writes as Essin’ Em on the popular sex blog “Sexuality Happens” at www.Essin-Em.com. Her Front Range Femme column appears weekly on OFCB.

So far, I’ve written these posts, in reverse order, and would love to get some comments!

Defining Femme

Making Space

Kink 101

What’s in a Name?

And if you have suggestions for subjects to write on, or questions you want answered, etc, please leave a comment here, there, or via email, and I’d be happy to oblige.

As Arizona is kinda sorta maybe part of the Front Range, I will continue to write it from Phoenix as well.

Enjoy! Feedback is very much welcome.

-Essin’ Em

By the time you’re reading this, I’m probably going under the knife. Or maybe I’m lying all doped up in recovery.

Regardless, I’m having my tonsils (and possibly adenoids, depending on how bad they look) removed today.  I have a few posts scheduled to go up, but probably won’t be posting every day as I usually do until I start feeling a little better.

If you’d like to send me amusing jokes, pictures to cheer me up, etc, please send them to EssinEm at gmail dot com.  Also, you can follow me on twitter (www.twitter.com/EssinEm) to see how my recovery is going.

If you want to send me something, the wishlists are on the side bar. Or ice cream/sorbet/sherbet would also be extremely welcome. Perhaps pudding as well. I’m only partially kidding. Do they have ice cream delivery service?

Regardless, I’m not falling off the face of the planet. Just going under for a good cause, and hopefully when I’ve healed, the sleep apnea they’ve been causing will be gone, I’ll be able to get a good night’s sleep, and breath play will be back on the list again.

Auf Wiedersehen (for a few days possibly…on the otherhand, maybe I’ll be just find and blogging in no time!),

Essin’ Em

Happy National Coming Out Day to One and All!

Today (October 11th) is National Coming Out Day. I encourage all of you to come out. As whatever you are (straight and cisgender people can come out as well, obviously).

I’d like to come out as:

*Queer

*Kinky

*A Femme

*A Dyke

*A Female

*A Cisgender Woman

*A Nerd

*Disabled

*Awkward

*Young

*Jewish

*Eastern European

*Agnostic

*OCD

*Silly

*Non-monogamous

*In love

And oh so much more (read my about me page).

Please feel free to use this space to come out as anything and everything that you are!

Don’t forget; closets are for clothes, NOT for people! (Q would like to add that labels are for jars. However, if you’re labeling yourself and that helps you figure things out, I’m all for it. Just don’t place your labels on other people. Their jars are ok though).

-Essin’ Em