Sexuality Happens

I have written a lot on this here blog about submission over the years. About how I wasn’t sure if I was submissive at points, about how I was sure I was submissive at points, at how I first realized my submissive side during a dream I had when I was ten.  About how I am I feel genuinely submissive to some people I’ve played with, such as K, and how with others, I felt a complete brat, or moreover, like I was playing the wrong role.

I’ve written about this new subject some over the past year, but I figured you can always write about it more.

When I moved back to Denver, I slowly edged my way into the scene, attending parties, munches, classes, etc.  Denver is lucky enough to have three public/membership dungeons, and one really really awesome pro-domination house/private dungeon that happens to throw really cool public parties a few times a month. While my first fetish party was at said pro dungeon, my first scene in Denver was at one of the dungeons…as a submissive. I played there again shortly there after, again as a submissive, even though I had started playing with F as a top, and then a switch, with us giving the power back and forth. Sadly, an incredibly frustrating and a bit of a heart wrenching break up with her made me feel uncomfortable going back to that dungeon, given some of her actions.

So then I started going to more parties at another public dungeon, and at the private one.  While I bottomed occasionally, such as when I had the lovely Mistress Saskia perform fire cupping on me, suddenly, people were asking me more and more to hit them, to top them, to beat THEM up.  I had done it before….before F, then with F. And I had a few skill sets – I’ve been going to BDSM educational classes/workshops for six years.  Ergo, in many situations, I did. I paddled and cropped and caned and flogged. I suddenly learned of the joy of sharp objects, and I began to use vampire gloves and knives as part of my scenes. 

It was odd.  When I identified as a submissive, most people (K was a noted exception) kept asking me if I was sure, if perhaps I wasn’t a switch.  People would tell me they just couldn’t see me as a submissive. It wasn’t that I talked back a lot, or that I “wouldn’t” submit.  They just didn’t get it.

But then, once I started topping people (and in the beginning, it was definitely topping – I wasn’t in the mental space to be dominating people at this point), no one asked me if I was sure I was a top. In fact, people I didn’t know started asking me to top them…quite odd for me, as I was still trying to figure out what was up with my submissive identity.

Since then, I’ve pushed and pulled on parts of myself. Trying to figure things out.  Q came into the picture, and I perverted her life up reeeeeal fast.  Luckily for me, she likes kinky shit. A lot. Not always to the public extent that I do (our first play party was the beginning of May – she didn’t go back with me again until sometime in July), but she humors me.

It’s interesting. I like it when she tops me…and sometimes, even if she doesn’t feel she’s dominating me, I slip into submissive space (yessir nosir, floaty, you know the spiel). However, that does happen very often.  In fact, our relationship has fallen into such a place that she calls me Mistress, I am her Mistress, and she is mine…about 90% of the time. It’s only a sexual thing – she’s not gung ho about service when we’re not sceneing or in a dungeon/club, nor do I want her to be.  She’s not super into pain, but has definitely pushed her limits for me. I’m going to write about this whole Mistress thing at some point.

But it’s not just with Q.  Other Tops/Doms/Dommes/Mistress/Masters let me play with their bottoms/subs/slaves/bois/girls/boys/etc. I’ve had them hand over their partners to me, telling me to cane/slap/bite/paddle/flog/so on them for a while. I personally like it best when they tell me to just do whatever I want to them. I get invited to FemDom socials. Most people in my community see me as a Top/Dominant person who occasionally bottoms.

When did this happen? I have no idea. The first time I fell into a top role, I was in an uncomfortable sexual situation, and that was the only way I could think of getting through said situation without having to take off my clothes (and it worked). From there, it seems to have been a snowball rolling downhill.

And me? How do I identify now? Well, on my Fetlife profile, I identify as a kinkster, because deep down, isn’t that what most of us tend to be? As far as me though, I don’t know. I’m Q’s Mistress, who occasionally bottoms/submits to my partner Q. I top many people at parties and whatnot. I, for a few months, had a house boy, and I was his Domme. I bottom to a select few people; Mistress Saskia, a wonderful man who does excellent fire play with me, Lady Arcayda, and a few others.  When K and I have played, I bottom to him.  So I suppose I’m a switch with dominant tendencies? But really, what does it all even mean?