It sickens me the fights that trans men and especially trans women have to fight to be seen as members of their gender. The ridiculous feminists that state or hint that women who were not assigned women at birth are not “as much” or “enough” (same goes for men not assigned male at birth, particularly in in gay male communities) is complete and utter bullshit. Thank you for bringing that point up.

I use the term queer because I like people of LOTS of different genders, trans, cis, genderqueer, andrognous, etc, and I don’t like having a specific label for each partner I have.

“Very interesting. I definitely think the way you identify shouldn’t invalidate your queerness. I dated a trans guy for a while, and he was pretty far along in the process, and I thought it was strange to be read as a straight couple.”

Using a man’s transness to ‘prove’ your queer credentials comes from a remarkably transphobic view point. At the end of the day if you’re dating a man who is trans then you’re dating a man. That doesn’t make you any more dykey than any other woman on the planet who is dating a man!

Please stop perpetuating this idea that trans men are somehow a separate category from men.

If you like women then by all means say that you like women, but don’t purposefully cash on other people’s transphobia to validate your own queerness. It is not ok!

(written by a bisexual femme who loves men and women, and doesn’t care if they are cis or trans).

>> I have had people tell me I’m not a good queer/ feminist because I’m holding on to the butch/femme dynamic…which is silly, because MY identify is as a Femme, but I don’t expect anyone else to identify as femme or butch, or anything else, nor am I only attracted to butch/masculine presenting people.

I blogged about it too, but my blog is not near the caliber of yours or Sinclair’s. http://feelersout.wordpress.com/2009/11/23/on-femme-invisibility/

I don’t think you should have to give up your style to please anybody. Ever.

In the Black community I think there is a bigger emphasis on the stud/femme dynamic than in the LGBTQ community at large, and it REALLY bothers me. I’m not dyke-y enough for the femmes, not “feminine” enough for the studs bc I don’t wear a face full of makeup? All I can do is be me and be true to myself (which I feel is the answer to most, if not all, of life’s problems).

This blog definitely struck a chord. Good job, essin-em!

Britni – I look forward to reading your post!

I think it will take a lot for the LGBTQ community to be more open. Why? Because we fight so hard every day to establish that our relationships are valid, and that we’re valid as people. It’s hard to give up that fight when you go to the bar, simply because you learn to live in the trenches of everyday life. Though it’s a poor comparison, think of a soldier with post-traumatic stress disorder.

Clothes, hairstyles, tattoos, fashion, etc. were the only identifiers that we had in the past. And now, they’re so deeply embedded in our community that if you aren’t “up to par” you’re seen as an outsider. I definitely fall into this category, and I hate it. I hate that with my last ex I was very visible as a lesbian because she was so obviously gay, whereas now being single I have become totally invisible. I look horrible with short hair! My body type (and personal taste) isn’t suited to masculine clothing. And I’m not going to change who I am just to get a date!

I think the LGBTQ community needs to come down off of their high horse and stop being so judgemental. If someone is at a gay bar, they’re gay! Guilty until proven innocent, okay? Or if some “straight looking” girl is making eye contact with you, then odds are… she’s into you. Until people learn to stop judging a book by it’s cover, they’re going to be missing out on a lot of wonderful women – myself included!

There! I said it, and I stand by it. I think it’s great that you posted this because honestly it is a problem. What you decide to wear that day should not (and does not) define you. I wish every non-straight person would just be true to themselves. That would aleviate a lot of the “not-looking-gay-enough” problem. Being queer is more than clothes, hairstyles, etc. It’s about sexual preference, and that’s a very tiny part of what makes a person who they are.

*steps off of soapbox*

I get sick of asking which friends I came to dyke night with. I’m sick of going out and having people ask who brought the straight chick. I’m sick of being out with a girl, especially if she’s femme, too, and having guys assume that because we both look “straight” that we must be there for their own pleasure and entertainment. I’m sick of it all.

I’m at dyke night because I want to pick up a girl. If I didn’t, I’d go to the straight bar across the street. The *only* time I’ve ever been hit on at a girls’ bar is the night I went in a white tee, men’s camo cargo shorts, and Chucks. And it pissed me off. Why should I have to change the way I look and I dress, just to convince people that I’m queer? I cut all my hair off, just to try and get more girls to hit on me. But again, it wasn’t *me.*

I can be femme and feminine and still be queer.