Sexuality Happens

I’m not sure if anyone watches Rachael Maddow (if you don’t, you should, and not just because she is incredibly witty and ridiculously hot). However, if you haven’t you should check out her site.

Last week, she had a couple of shows that talked about the anti-gay bill in Uganda, and Richard Cohen’s “gay fixing” program that inspired this whole thing.

This post isn’t about that.  However, his book/CD set title “Coming Out Straight” made me think.

I hate that coming out is specific only to what is currently minority populations.  One comes out as queer, as kinky, as non-monogamous. It’s very rare to come out as straight, as monogamous, as vanilla (unless your community is queer/non-monogamous/kinky, in which you ARE then the minority).

Why do we have this default of “you should only come out/express your sexuality if you’re not the norm?”  I mean, really, what’s wrong either with no one having come out, or having everyone come out? Why is it so specific?

I mean yes, I understand why people in the minority choose to come out.  Living your life as it is, instead of hiding things, is freeing.  As is strength in numbers. But what if we could just love who we wanted to love, and fuck who we wanted to fuck, and commit to who we wanted to commit to without having to fly our flag?

At Sex 2.0 last year, Sarah Dopp said something about not all people (I think specifically queers, but also talking about kinksters, etc) want to wave their flag high, and they shouldn’t be made to out themselves, or even stand up and be counted. Not everyone is for a cause — some people just wanted to be who they are and not have to fight the battle everyday.

Conversely, what if we started a bigger dialogue about sexuality, so that everyone was talking about their journeys, regardless of the type of sex they like to have, or who they’re attracted to. What if instead of the default of straight/monogamous/vanilla, we actually encourage people (kids, teens and adults) to think about their sexuality, and share it with their friends, partners, families (birth and chosen). 

I know I speak of a much more utopian society, and that many of my questions on this are rhetorical. If we live in a society where we continue to be unequal (as of late, think of New York and New Jersey), how can we ever expect to be anything other than the “other” (in contrast to the default/norm)? What is it about our society, our culture, about humanity that we have to box things in, segregate things out, make the normal and the other?

Just thoughts. I know there is no answer to any of these questions. But I would like to hear a dialogue about coming out as a non-minority. Have any of you done it? Told your friends/family/partners/co-workers that you’re hetero? Or that you’re monogamous? How was it taken? How did it feel?

-Essin’ Em