Sexuality Happens

Re-posted from Good Vibrations Magazine

If you’ve been following pretty much any conversation on sex toys, you’ve probably heard about phthalates in toys, how they can be dangerous (or at least allergy causing), and how there are all sorts of awesome and amazing materials that are in fact phthalate-free.

Good on you. You’ve chosen to take charge of this part of your sexual health and pleasure, and you’ve bought a toy made of high quality plastic, steel, aluminum, silicone, ceramic, glass, wood, marble, granite, or another phthalate free material.  It probably cost slightly more than the cheap jelly toys we have all grown accustomed to buying, but you know it’ll be worth it.

But what happens when you want to clean this toy? Or just as importantly, when you want to share it with a new partner (or multiple new partners)? Most people can’t afford to buy new toys for each new lovers, but our Health Education teachers never taught us how to clean and how to sterilize our sex toys.

Cleaning them is easy. If you’re just wanting to clean the toy for use with yourself, or a fluid bound* partner, you can wash pretty much all sex toys with water and anti-bacterial soap.  The soap part is important, even if it’s just for yourself, or with a fluid bound partner. Why? Bacteria grows in your body and its fluids, and everyone has different bacteria. You even have different bacteria day-to-day. If you have a yeast infection, and don’t properly wash your toy, you can give it to your partner, or even give it back to yourself. 

After washing them, you can either air dry them, or try them with a towel (this may leave some lint on your toy, so you might want to rinse your toys off before using them). Remember not to put your toys into closed spaces while wet, especially not ziplock bags – this can cause mold to grow, and that is just gross.

Now, if you’ve made it through kindergarten, you’ve learned that sharing is caring.  If you are caring enough to share your toys, please make sure you’ve sterilized them first for any non fluid bound partners.

How, you may ask, do you sterilize toys?  Not all toys can be sterilized.  Jelly, plastic, acrylic and stone toys can NOT be sterilized. If you choose to share them, use a condom/glove to cover them.  Wood is debatable – I personally don’t share my wood toys, because I think it’s slightly porous despite the coating, but others will disagree with me.  Silicone, steel, aluminum, glass and ceramic are 100% sterilizable.

There are three ways to sterilize your toys.  Number one; wipe them down with a 10% bleach solution (mix bleach to water 1:10), then rinse them off before drying.  This is especially great for silicone vibrators, such as the Gigi and the Lily. Number two; boil your toys in plain ol’ water for three minutes.  I particularly like this for silicone dildos, as I can boil them all at once, like a stew of pretty colored cocks. You can use this method for any non-vibrating toys, including glass. Number three; this requires having a dishwasher. If you happen to have one, you can put all your sex toys on the top shelf, and run it with no soap/detergent.  In order to not waste water, I save them all up and run them at once, often with vases, and other dusty items.

As far as storing them, it’s always good to keep them away from dust (and in my case, epic amounts of cat hair).  You can put them in plastic bags, wrap them in non-linty fabric, or even invest in a sex toy storage case.

And that, dear readers, is the best way to take care of your toys, while sharing them with those you love and/or lust after.

*Fluid Bound means having made the decision with your partner(s) that you have both/all been tested for STIs, and feel comfortable sharing fluids with each other with using barriers (condom/dam/glove). Fluid bound partners can be non-monogamous, but generally choose to use barrier methods with their other partners.

 “Sex 411: The Sex Ed You Never Learned in School” is about educating people on all types of sex and sexuality…not just preventing pregnancy and STIs. For information on discussions, workshops, sex coaching, play parties, body-healthy sex toy parties and more, please visit www.ShannaKatz.com.

Last week was a crazy week. Follow up from my birthday, Channukah, our anniversary, getting a job (will write about it soon), etc.

Something I didn’t get to write about that I had wanted to was the International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers, which is December 17th (Q and my anniversary) every year. There are vigils, protests, conversations, panels, etc in honor of this day, and toward the goal of stopping violence against sex workers.  You can learn more at the Sex Worker Outreach Project’s website.

Why, you may ask, does this matter?

Firstly, NO ONE deserves violence against them. Period.  Not while they work, not at home, not period. Regardless of what you believe about sex workers, there should not be violence perpetrated against them.

Next, let’s look at sex workers.  What is a sex worker? It’s someone fulfilling a need, providing more of a full service customer service.  Instead of worrying about whether someone is satisfied with their filet mignon (or burger), or that blood diamond they just dropped the cost of a house on, sex workers are worrying about whether people feel cared for, whether they are getting their needs met.  Same work, just different medium.

Sex workers are porn stars, pro dommes, prostitutes, escorts, phone sex operators, sex surrogates, etc.  We are people, just like you. We work jobs in order to make money to survive. Some of us love our jobs, others don’t, just like you. We have good days, and bad days. We like some of our clients, we don’t like others, but can’t say that to their face, because they’re customers, and the customer is (almost) always right.

We are mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, feminists, those with higher education, and those with no formal education, from all types of backgrounds. We all like connecting with people in some way, shape or form. Some of us have other jobs, others don’t. Some have pets, some hate animals. Some love bacon, others of us are vegetarians. We have days where we are insecure, and days where we feel like we’re on top of the world.

You don’t always know in your life who is a sex worker.  Who knows if one of your friends or family members is a sex worker? Why not stand up to stop violence against of group of people who live amongst you. We are human, just like you.  Do we deserve violence, scorn, police raid, hatred, etc?  Not any more than any other human, not in my book.

I take a moment to think of all those sex workers who have been hurt, maimed, killed, etc. And then hope that change is made.

-Essin’ Em

And it’s rant time.

You know what I hate? And before I go off on it, let me state that I have been guilty of this as well in the past, and may slip up.

I hate that we, as a society, equivocate not having an STI (or not knowing that you have one- you can have a full panel, and still miss some) as being “clean.” As in having an STI makes you unclean/dirty.

First of all, you can very a VERY dirty person, both physically (not showering, living in a filthy place, etc) or mentally, and NOT have an STI.  You can also be an incredibly clean person, again both physically and mentally, and live with an STI.  Cleanliness does not have anything to do with whether or not you have an STI.

So let’s put some other language around it. Instead of saying “I just got my STI tests back and I’m clean!” or “you don’t have anything to worry about – I’m clean,” let’s try “I just got my STI tests back and they are negative” or  ”you don’t have anything to worry about because I brought protection!” 

If someone has an STI, this does not eliminate them as either a potential partner or sexual being. I do believe in open honesty about ALL transferable medical issues; if I have a cold, I let me partner know. Ditto with mono, or a cold sore (which like 75% of the population has, and is Herpes Simplex I). I share that information, as that my partners can make decisions for themselves. That’s my ethical choice.

However, not everyone follows that. And people can say they have a “clean” or negative panel even when they don’t (or haven’t even gotten tested). And let’s say that someone hands you a copy of their negative test? It’s not a promise. Some STIs have a 6 month incubation period before they show up, and if your new partner had unprotected sex OF ANY KIND with any one after their test, but before you, there is always the possibility that they have contracted something. So we can pretend that we know 100% percent whether our partners have an STI or not, but do we even know for sure about ourselves?

Some clubs (kink and swingers) do not allow sexual contact by members with STIs.  Others don’t have it as a rule, but severely discourage it.  Yet no one cares whether you give mono or the flu (which, while not long term, can be certainly more dangerous and devastating than many STIs.

So whether or not you are ok with your partner having an STI, let’s talk about it from a different angle. There is nothing shameful in having an STI. A large percentage of our population either has, or has had, an STI (or more) at some point in their life.  You might have even had one (or have one) and not even known it. Why discriminate when you can use a barrier? And even if you don’t ever have a partner with a known STI, why not try using less discriminatory language?  Clean schmeam.  Let’s try positive/negative, or something like that.

-Essin’ Em

Good Vibrations is one of my favorite toy companies, and they were kind enough to send me Truth or Dare – A Game of Passion.

I’ve played a fair number of sex-themed games…some involving chocolate, others involving cards and/or dice. And honestly, I’ve found most of them very unsatisfying.  Some are incredibly sexist, or heterocentric, or both.  Not every couple involves a man and a woman, and even when they do, the concept that all sex play leads to penis-in-vagina intercourse.

This was different. I was actually really impressed with how gender neutral MOST of the question were. I  say most, because there was was that mixed sex and gender, and placed the assumption that there are only two sexes:

“What sexual characteristic or ability do you enjoy in the opposite sex? What sexual characteristic of your gender do you take the most pride in?”

That one kind of stopped us for a bit. However, the rest were much more open minded, and definitely did not assume heterosexuality, although they could be used for straight couples too.

The dare questions…well. Let’s just say that they weren’t designed for pervs.  A lot of them involved taking off an item or clothing or two…the problem was that Q and I were lying in bed naked trying to play this game. Some of the other dares involved lap dances, and demonstrating sexual positions, etc. Basically, things that to *us,* were child’s play.  However, for a couple (or trio, etc) who doesn’t have a lot experience with sexual play, or wants to expand their horizons, this would be a great set of dares.

Since the dares weren’t up our alley, we stuck with the Truth cards, and had a blast. While we knew some of the questions, and other just made us laugh (like the one that had me plan out what porn scene I’d do, who I’d shoot it with, and what I’d wear…which is amusing, since I DO in fact shoot porn), overall they asked some great questions that lead to good conversations…and eventually, some rocking sex time.

I’d totally give this as a gift to couples of all orientations and gender combinations. I think pretty much anyone could have fun with it. It’s not intimidating, has a good variety of both Truth and Dare cards, and doesn’t make assumptions about the genders, orientations, or practices of the players. I’d give it 4 stars, out of 5.

Click here to get your very own board game of Truth or Dare.

-Essin’ Em

It’s Thursday. Usually, I do a post for Half Nekkid Thursday. I did mine a day early this week, because this Thursday is Q and my one year anniversary.

I never would have dreamed that I would be with someone for a year. Or would live with them, or would want to be committed long term to them, or would find someone so wonderful, so amazing, so kind, so witty, so smart, so social justice oriented, so caring, so amusing, so…well…perfect.

No one is perfect. This I know. However, Q is perfect for me.  From the fact that we met at a strap-on class I was teaching to her making dinosaur noises to cheer me up to her love for our cats to her amazing grassroot community organizing skills, she is the perfect foil for me.  I met her when I was still broken to pieces over Athena’s death, and right when F broke up with me.  I have come so far in that year, and she is a big part of my growth, and even still being functional.

I cannot tell her enough how much and how deeply I love her. So handsome, so intelligent, so much fucking fun.

Happy anniversary baby – I’m glad you’re such an amazing and important part of my life. Even if I breathe dragon fire on you sometimes to BBQ you.

Love,

Me

So the fancy schmancy HNT theme this week is supposed to be a Christmas Tree thing.

Every year, I usually change it to something involving Channukah, because I’m Jewish, and I don’t have a Christmas Tree.

However, now that Q and I live together, we have a “Holiday Shrubbery” to encompass all the holiday spirit without designating a religion to it. It’s a white, slightly scraggly tree, trimmed with red and black ornaments, white lights and black tinsels.  I really wanted a leopard print ornament, but we couldn’t find any. It looks like this:

In case you can’t tell, Kinsey is curled up on the black cloth at the bottom. Cute, right?

So I was going to take a picture with it.  But then I remembered.  Two nights after I first met Q (Dec 17th), we went, with her friends, to the Gay Christmas Party at Tracks (a nightclub in Denver).  At the end, I smuggled out a blue ornament in my cleavage before I drove her home. I kept it on my rear view mirror because of the awesomeness of a sparkly blue ball. We decided to make it the top of the tree ornament.

But before I put it up, I took this picture. With my boobies.  And I dedicate it to Q, since tomorrow is our anniversary.  Happy Anniversary Baby!

And to the rest of you, Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!

-Essin’ Em

Photo courtesy of Twisted Monk (photo credit elizabethraab.com)

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See also: Pleasurists #55 for all your sex toy review needs

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♦ Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships ♦

First. Confession #380

In Defense of Squirting

Gender, Buck Angel, and Me

G Spot Orgasms: It’s all about the clitoris

Spitroast

They May be Bi, But They’re Still Boys

Why I Sometimes Fake Orgasms

Wonderland: The British in Bed

♦ Kink & Fetish ♦

The Workout (fiction)

I Am Not Clark Kent

Caning

Lips Parted

Curve

She brought her own toys

Rope Bondage: Hemp vs. Mfp

Phew! Another Hole

Hearts

My virginity and how I lost it..

Gift

Spicing it up: Bondage Materials

♦ Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor ♦

20 Questions with Cyd

This Ain’t No Disney

A Thank You Note

Vegas Virgins

Sex and Happiness

♦ Erotic Writing ♦

1 Full Body Massage / 1 Happy Ending

The Slut Chronicles #7 ~ I Said No

To Do List

the date

And Your Hands and Your Lips and Your Tongue Tricks

Oh Fuuuck

I Get Around

Sometimes, Love Hurts

In The Dark

Making Up

Quickie – A Good Girl

What I Want You To Do To Me

Hitachi Fun

Her Curves

Carnal

marks she left

Wicked Wednesday: I Love Watching You Watching Me

Birthday Boy

Fucking & Making Love

Thy Mother and Thy Father: A Vodoun Love Spell

What Just Happened?

Happy Birthday Me

What Cums Around

Trying to figure out what to get your friend/lover(s)/family, etc for the holiday season?  Let me offer you some suggestions! These are all items I own (or have owned), have tried, and loved.  Q even helped me out with some must have suggestions.  Most places are having some great holiday deals right now too.

-Essin’ Em

For the reader on your list:

Opening Up (by Tristan Taormino) - The absolute best book on non-monogamy to exist. Covers everything from swingers to partnered non-monogamy, polyfidelity to even monogamy. Highly recommended.

Best Lesbian Erotica 2009 – Great variety of stories, and even has a certain story that stars yours truly, written by Sinclair Sexsmith.

Two Knotty Boys Showing You the Ropes – An awesome, step by step guide to tying ropes, both for prettiness and for bondage.  Even helped me learn to tie some ropes, and we know how much trouble I’ve had with rope.

For the porn viewer on your list:

CrashPadSeries.com Membership – Pink and White is freaking brilliant, and Crash Pad Series shows off a variety of people from a variety of identities showcasing a variety of sexuality.  Only thing they have in common (other than all being hot) is that they all are queer.  Super hot. Oh! And if you want to see the DVD with me on it, get CrashPadSeries 5: Revolving Door.

Comstock Films’ Matt and Khym – Tony Comstock has created the Sexumentary. Real couples talk about how they met, what attracts them to each other, and more…and then have really hot sex.  Perfect for someone for whom realness is really important, this is the perfect gift.

Bend Over Boyfriend - Give the gift that keeps on giving! Give someone special in your life the amazing instructional video about pegging your lover in the booty.  Carol Queen is brilliant. Period.

For the vibrator craver on your list:

The Hitachi Magic Wand – This vibrator is remained my favorite for many years. It as two settings – orgasmic and earthquake.  It plugs into the wall, so is a weapons grade sex toy, and is absolutely amazing. You can also get all sorts of covers for it!

The Onye – This is Q’s favorite vibrator.  It’s like a super awesome bullet, but with lots of settings.  She doesn’t like the Hitachi – it’s too intense for her, but she love love loves the Onye.

The Gigi (by Lelo) – An absolutely perfectly designed G-spot toy. It may not look like much, but it reaches that spot absolutely perfectly! Plus, it comes in a variety of colors.  Need something bigger? Go for the Iris!

For the dildo lover on your list:

The Alumina Motion – Q told me that I HAD to put this on the list.  Hands down, this is definitely her favorite toy ever (aside from my hand, she says).  It’s a great material, feels good warm or cool, and you can play tinker toys with it and other Alumina toys!

The Fun Factory Curve - This is a great toy for either solo or partner play, and the silicone its made from feels absolutely delicious inside. Moreover, the design for g-spot stimulation as freaking fantabulous.

The VixSkin Goodfella – VixSkin is a super rocking material. It’s a harder silicone shaft, with a softer silicone coating, that feels wonderful, in your hand, in your mouth, in your cunt, or in your butt.  Various colors AND harness compatible!

For the kinkster on your list:

Under the Bed Restraint System - This fits any size bed, and will turn it into a basic bondage wonderland. I’ve had mine for over 2 years, and it is still bloody amazing.  Easy to set up, easy to tuck away and hide, and simple to put your partner into a spread eagle or other sexy and accessible pose.

Red and Black Locking Cuffs – Pretty AND functional, these can be used with the above item, by themselves, with rope, as an accessory, or more.  I love my set of these – they especially look great with my candy apple red spreader bar.

Jimmy Jane Afterglow Candle - this is a great starter toy for wax play. It’s soy wax, so it has a lower melting temperature, making it less intimidating for a newbie, and it comes in a variety of delicious scents (we love figleaf!).  It’s also a great first layer before other waxes, as the oil prevents the regular wax from sticking.

Other awesome gifts for those harder to shop for:

Fascinator Throe by Liberator - Especially perfect for those who are squirters/gushers/ejaculators, these throes are good for everything from wax play to lube, food play to after care. Waterproof in the middle, soft on the sides, and brilliantly machine washable, EVERYONE deserves a throe. They come in shag, microfiber, and my favorite, SAFARI!

For Your Nymphomation Toybox – A great place to put all your toys, and look sassy while doing it. I love my leopard print one.  Need more space? Try the FYN Toychest, or even the FYN Rolling Toy Trunk!

Water Based Lubes, such as Maximus, Pjur Aqua and Sliquid H2O are all great and glycerin free. Plus, you can use them with ANY toy!

Eros Bodyglide is an amazing silicone based lube that is smooth, silky and long lasting. Just remember, don’t use it with silicone toys.

Still not sure what you want?  Browse their selection, or even get gift certificates at:

Babeland

Good Vibrations

Liberator

SexToy.com

Vibe Review

Extreme Restraints

Q went to sleep before I did. I stayed on the couch, typing on the computer, watching mindless shows on the TV.  Finally, I started dozing off, and I headed to bed.

She lay there, arms splayed, cuddled up cozily in her sweatshirt. So peaceful, restful even.

God did I want her.

Gently, I crawled into bed. Oh so carefully, I draped my arm over her, my fingers gently grazing her nipples through her sweatshirt. No movement.  A bit more intently, I ran my fingers over her breast, concentrating carefully on her nipple. A small sigh escaped her lips. Success.

Moving slowly, I slid my hand under her sweatshirt, fingers finally contacting directly with her nipples, hardening beneath my touch. Moans emitted from her throat as I begin to pinch her nipples, playing with them more roughly as she started to come into consciousness. 

“I’m sooooooo sorry to wake you up.”

“No you’re not.”

“You’re right. I’m not sorry at all…you were just…thee. And you looked so hot, so enticing, I just had to start playing with you.”

As I kept playing with her nipples, pinching and pulling them. That shut her up, as she was back to moaning and breathing heavily. 

I slipped my hand into her sweat pants, slipping my fingers between her lips, searching and hunting for her clit. A gasp from her told me I was getting close. Running my other hand over the body, nails scrapping against her skin, I whispered in her ear how hot she made me, how much she turned me on, how much I wanted to fuck her.

Pumping lube into my hand, I slid my fingers into her cunt to elicit a gasp. First two, then three as she bucked up into me. 

Flipping around, I placed my knees on either side of her head, pushing her pants down to her knees. She moved as if to take of her sweatshirt, but I swatted at her hands. There was just something to fucking hot about pushing up her shirt and pulling down her pants in order to get access to her. Then I lowered my tongue to her clit, and she pressed up into my mouth as I licked and sucked all over her, my fingers still working inside of her, fucking her almost relentlessly. 

When I felt like she was getting closer and closer to the edge, I slipped a fourth finger into her, and slid back around to get better access. With one hand rocking her clit, and the other pistoning in and out of her, she was making all sorts of delightful and delicious noises as I fucked her closer and closer to oblivion. 

As she got closer and closer, I was so kind, and let her place her sexy black Onye vibe on her clit. She was almost there, and then opened her eyes, looking at me.

“Am I allowed to come?”

“Yes, you can. I want you to come so fucking hard for me.”

And she did…oh she did.  Her entire body spasmed, her cunt grabbing and squeezing my hand, working in and out of her, breathing so deeply, moaning so loudly.  She came over and over, almost for two minutes straight. 

We cuddled, my arms wrapped around her, our legs intertwined. After a few minutes, I started rubbing up against her…

To be continued…

-Essin’ Em

I’m not sure if anyone watches Rachael Maddow (if you don’t, you should, and not just because she is incredibly witty and ridiculously hot). However, if you haven’t you should check out her site.

Last week, she had a couple of shows that talked about the anti-gay bill in Uganda, and Richard Cohen’s “gay fixing” program that inspired this whole thing.

This post isn’t about that.  However, his book/CD set title “Coming Out Straight” made me think.

I hate that coming out is specific only to what is currently minority populations.  One comes out as queer, as kinky, as non-monogamous. It’s very rare to come out as straight, as monogamous, as vanilla (unless your community is queer/non-monogamous/kinky, in which you ARE then the minority).

Why do we have this default of “you should only come out/express your sexuality if you’re not the norm?”  I mean, really, what’s wrong either with no one having come out, or having everyone come out? Why is it so specific?

I mean yes, I understand why people in the minority choose to come out.  Living your life as it is, instead of hiding things, is freeing.  As is strength in numbers. But what if we could just love who we wanted to love, and fuck who we wanted to fuck, and commit to who we wanted to commit to without having to fly our flag?

At Sex 2.0 last year, Sarah Dopp said something about not all people (I think specifically queers, but also talking about kinksters, etc) want to wave their flag high, and they shouldn’t be made to out themselves, or even stand up and be counted. Not everyone is for a cause — some people just wanted to be who they are and not have to fight the battle everyday.

Conversely, what if we started a bigger dialogue about sexuality, so that everyone was talking about their journeys, regardless of the type of sex they like to have, or who they’re attracted to. What if instead of the default of straight/monogamous/vanilla, we actually encourage people (kids, teens and adults) to think about their sexuality, and share it with their friends, partners, families (birth and chosen). 

I know I speak of a much more utopian society, and that many of my questions on this are rhetorical. If we live in a society where we continue to be unequal (as of late, think of New York and New Jersey), how can we ever expect to be anything other than the “other” (in contrast to the default/norm)? What is it about our society, our culture, about humanity that we have to box things in, segregate things out, make the normal and the other?

Just thoughts. I know there is no answer to any of these questions. But I would like to hear a dialogue about coming out as a non-minority. Have any of you done it? Told your friends/family/partners/co-workers that you’re hetero? Or that you’re monogamous? How was it taken? How did it feel?

-Essin’ Em