The Filth of the Unclean
And it’s rant time.
You know what I hate? And before I go off on it, let me state that I have been guilty of this as well in the past, and may slip up.
I hate that we, as a society, equivocate not having an STI (or not knowing that you have one- you can have a full panel, and still miss some) as being “clean.” As in having an STI makes you unclean/dirty.
First of all, you can very a VERY dirty person, both physically (not showering, living in a filthy place, etc) or mentally, and NOT have an STI. You can also be an incredibly clean person, again both physically and mentally, and live with an STI. Cleanliness does not have anything to do with whether or not you have an STI.
So let’s put some other language around it. Instead of saying “I just got my STI tests back and I’m clean!” or “you don’t have anything to worry about – I’m clean,” let’s try “I just got my STI tests back and they are negative” or ”you don’t have anything to worry about because I brought protection!”
If someone has an STI, this does not eliminate them as either a potential partner or sexual being. I do believe in open honesty about ALL transferable medical issues; if I have a cold, I let me partner know. Ditto with mono, or a cold sore (which like 75% of the population has, and is Herpes Simplex I). I share that information, as that my partners can make decisions for themselves. That’s my ethical choice.
However, not everyone follows that. And people can say they have a “clean” or negative panel even when they don’t (or haven’t even gotten tested). And let’s say that someone hands you a copy of their negative test? It’s not a promise. Some STIs have a 6 month incubation period before they show up, and if your new partner had unprotected sex OF ANY KIND with any one after their test, but before you, there is always the possibility that they have contracted something. So we can pretend that we know 100% percent whether our partners have an STI or not, but do we even know for sure about ourselves?
Some clubs (kink and swingers) do not allow sexual contact by members with STIs. Others don’t have it as a rule, but severely discourage it. Yet no one cares whether you give mono or the flu (which, while not long term, can be certainly more dangerous and devastating than many STIs.
So whether or not you are ok with your partner having an STI, let’s talk about it from a different angle. There is nothing shameful in having an STI. A large percentage of our population either has, or has had, an STI (or more) at some point in their life. You might have even had one (or have one) and not even known it. Why discriminate when you can use a barrier? And even if you don’t ever have a partner with a known STI, why not try using less discriminatory language? Clean schmeam. Let’s try positive/negative, or something like that.
-Essin’ Em
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Thank YOU! I have been ranting about this for YEARS. I don’t use the word “hate” very often, but I do use it in connection with folks using the word “clean” when they mean “negative’. This has so so many negative connotations when “clean” , implying one is “dirty” if they have a positive test resullt. YUCK, (hey, did I say YUCK!!).
Thank you for helping to raise awareness on this one.
Thank you. I used to write more about this situation, being someone with herpes, but I get tired of dealing with the stigma. I really appreciate your writing this and making the point that having an STI doesn’t necessarily preclude someone being a partner. My partners don’t have herpes. and in the 11 years I’ve had it to the best of my knowledge I haven’t passed it on to anyone. I always use condoms. And there’s always the fact that if you have oral sex with anyone who has type 1 herpes orally (which by many accounts is 75% OR MORE of the population) you are already at risk of catching herpes genitally.
*hugs* Thank you so much for speaking so rationally about this subject.
HEAR HEAR. The stigma that surrounds STIs is so deeply unfounded and absolutely ridiculous. Just like you said, safety measures can be taken and SHOULD be taken regardless of the known presence of STIs. Too much of the human population let themselves be governed by fear and refuse to think rationally – but in the end, that’s their loss because they are the ones who will have passed up potentially the best sexual partner of their lives.
I want to give you a standing ovation for this post. Fantastic.
Much you’re welcome-ness to you all. I can’t imagine how much more difficult my life would be with an STI because of the stigmas, stereotypes and language surrounding them. I’m hoping to do what little I can to make it easier, and that includes speaking up.
You make such an important point. I’m a midwife and I routinely see & treat STIs. They aren’t any different from any other common infection. And they are more common than people would think. I think the stigma is ridiculous and work really hard to dispel it in my practice. Excellent post.
:)