Sexuality Happens

I want trying to talk to Q the other day about one of my two best friends.

See, I have two BFFs, if you will.  One, E, I met in high school when I chose her out of a pile of applications to be my costuming assistant for Charlie’s Aunt (in odd news, the guy who played Charlie’s Aunt in this play is the guy I made out with New Year’s Eve 2009. I know, right?). She lives in Denver, is getting married this summer (hence why I was trying on bridesmaid dresses) and while we aren’t much alike (she teaches yoga, likes dogs when I like cats, and enjoys florals and pastels), she’s been an amazing rock in my life. The other, A, lives in Seattle, and I was bemoaning having not heard from her in a while. We met the first day of orientation in college, at auditions for a show we both wound up in.  We’re a lot more similar than E and I; she’s also very nerdy, kinky, a writer (better than I am), social justice-y, etc.  However, she lives far away, and we’ve been having issues with touching base as of late. I miss her.

Regardless, I was talking to Q about A, and how I missed her, and wished we could be back at our “best friend” level we’ve maintained for so many years. She was having trouble understanding why I was upset at having not gotten to talk to her much lately (read: several weeks, where as E and I talk on the phone at least once a week, and text/facebook much more), so I asked her how often she talked to her best friend, who I assumed to be one of our mutual friends in Denver that I met at the same time I met her.

But it wasn’t.  She met me with a blank stare. “What do you mean?”

“You know, how often do you talk to ___ or ____?”

She looked at me again. “But you’re my best friend. They’re not. I talk to you everyday.”

I hadn’t ever thought about it that way. I mean, I tell her everything, we share so many things together (from the good to the bad, funny to serious). But I mean, she’s my partner. And that’s different than a best friend, right?

So I thought on it.  I mean, what is a best friend?  Someone you can share parts of yourself with that you might not be able to share with anyone else?  Someone to support you when you have successes, and someone to pick you up when you fall? Someone with whom you can laugh at silly things, and discuss serious subjects with? Someone who will actually tell you when something DOESN’T look good on, and when you have spinach stuck in your teeth?

Q is all of these thing to me, and more. She accepts me completely, whether that’s being in the adult industry/sex education, or prancing around the house, naked but for my leopard print snuggie. She sends me links to things that will make me smile, and to things that will make me thing. She cooks for me. She fights for me when I need help. She validates me. These are all things I expect from (or have expected from) E and A…so how is Q any different?

I’m not sure. Can your partner be your best friend? If so, can you still have other best friends? And if they can’t be your best friend, then what are they?  What IS a best friend, and how do YOU define it?

I’m leaving this open ended, as I’d love to hear thoughts from others.

-Essin’ Em

Hey all!

It’s been a while since I’ve had a contest on here – my apologies! Luckily for you, SexToy.com has provided a rocking blue glass butt plug for a giveaway.  Now, as we know, I’m not the biggest butt person, but a lot of you have been asking for more anal giveaway prizes, so here you go.  Tristan, this one is in honor of you, oh anal loving goddess!

What is it? If you win, you get this lovely blue glass plug (if you’re out of the states, you must pay shipping):

How can YOU win this very awesome plug (which, by the way, I think looks bigger in person than the picture does)?

Three ways! And yes, that means you can enter THRICE!

1) Tweet this phrase on twitter: “Holy moly! @EssinEm is giving away some butt love. http://essin-em.com/2010/01/glass-plug-contest. RT to enter and win!”

2) Become a fan of me on Facebook at www.Facebook.com/EssinEm, and then invite your friends by posting about the contest on your page, linking to my fan page (hint: you can use the @ trick, or put my fan page URL in it).

3) Leave a comment here about why you want to win a buttastic prize.

And I love you so much, I’ll even through some lube in there as well, so you get going as soon as you get it.

Deadline: Feb 14th, 11:59pm MST.

Three ways to enter, all super easy. Tell your friends, tell your family, tell your lovers.

New to anal? Check out my anal basics post here.

-Essin’ Em

I love love love sex toys made out of various materials.  I own wood, glass, steel, ceramic, aluminum, granite, silicone and more. I’m still lusting after marble (if you want to help me out here, drop me a line and we’ll talk).  Ergo, I was quite excited when one of the sex toy companies I review for offered to give me a new ceramic dildo to test out.

This toy (the Lovemoiselle Aveline) is geared towards G-spot stimulation and exploration, or so it says.  Because it’s ceramic, it IS sterilizable, meaning you can boil it (3-5 minutes), dishwash it (top shelf, no soap) or wipe it down with a 10% bleach solution in order to share it.  Otherwise, soap and warm water will do fine.  As a note, I believe this product is hollow, unlike the other ceramic dildo I have…I’m not sure if that changes how you clean it in general. I just popped out the seal at the bottom, and boiled the ceramic part.  Why it is hollow, I have no idea, but I don’t like it.  It’s not as safe, in my mind, as a solid ceramic piece.

I enlisted Q to help me on reviewing this one. When we started dating/fucking, she only like soft (read: silicone) toys.  Since then, her favorite toy has become the Tantus Motion, and she also really loves a G-spot geared glass toy we have. Ergo, I thought she’d be the perfect candidate.

Verdict? She does in face like this toy, but not nearly as much as the glass or Tantus one. She didn’t seem to like the feeling of the material as much, both of us were annoyed by how light it was (compared to other ceramic toys, as well as glass and metal), and the curve didn’t fit either of us just right.  That said, it’s still a pretty good toy. If you don’t like a LOT of curve in your G-spot toys, this might be a happy medium between a super curved one and a straight one.  Also, I’ve met a lot of people that DON’T like the weight that is present in most ceramic, glass and metal toys. Because it’s hollow, this toy is in face much lighter, so that make work perfectly for anyone looking for something more…feathery light. It IS a nice dildo.

It is a very pretty toy (glad mine was blue and not pink!), and could totally be left out as an artistic piece.  We like it, but not enough to keep it in the night stand.  However, it does make the FYN Toy Case, and has not yet been shunted to the FYN Rolling Toy Trunk. 3.5 stars, out of 5.

Click here to get your own beautiful, ceramic dildo.

-Essin’ Em

Photo Credit: John Foley

Given all of my joint awesomeness (read; suckiness), there are a lot of things I can’t do bondage wise. I’ve tried being suspended before, but having my arms bound behind my back cause immense pain…and after the 20 or 30 minutes it took to actually get me up in the air, everything hurt badly, so I had to come down, and it took another 20 minutes to get me out of everything.

Another such thing is the hogtie. I DEFINITELY should not be put in a full hogtie unless you want my pelvis displacing again.  No fun I tell you.  However, here is a partial one I did for the shoot, kind of a damsel in distress kind o’ thing.  Same photographer as last week’s hand HNT.  An odd shoot, because it’s the first shoot Q ever came to and I hate wearing gags of any sort, but overall, some great pictures.

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday to everyone!

-Essin’ Em

I made one of these back in March. Some relationships are the same, many are different.  Here is an update as to who everyone is, letter-wise.

Q - Updated: Q is my primary partner, the love of my life, the daddy of my kitties, my rock and so much more.  We live together in a 2-bedroom condo in Phoenix, AZ. She’s really smart, witty, sweet, caring, nerdy and awesome.  I met her at the Strap On workshop I taught at Hysteria in December 2008. Hot damn if she doesn’t fuck me well…she does fuck like a siberian tiger. And when I can’t move and am in so much pain, she brings me pills and ice packs and lies in bed with me stroking my hair. I love her more than words can say.

F - F and I were primary partners. We were together most of fall and winter 2008. She and I had gone to HS together, but not really been friends…we re-met when I was on a date with L, and really hit it off. She started out as a total submissive who hadn’t gotten to play before, but morphed into an excellent switch. We had a lot of kink play, from bondage to edge play to breath play, spankings, caning, orgasm control, forced orgasm. For all of our other issues, we connected really well during sex, had good sexual communication, and fucked good and hard for hours.  Like more than two dozen orgasms at a time.  Also, the first person who has fisted me.  We’ve since broken up. However, as the Denver dyke scene is very tight, and the Denver kink scene is close knit, and we’re both kinky dykes, we ran into each other a lot, and we’re cordial.  She is now in AA, which I really support her for.

Ms. S – Local Denver Domme who owns a dungeon, and is hilarious and a ton of fun to play with. She’s the one who did fire cupping and some violet wand play with me. I like her a lot as a person. She also teaches at Hysteria. She jokes about being a creepy old lady playing with people in their 20s, but I feel much more comfortable her than I do with lots of kinksters my age.

S- A long time crush, interesting person with deep thoughts and lots of fun overall. We had some fun and amazing sex when I was in SF, and other fun and adventures. First (and only) person I ejaculated with, and there were other firsts. A really fun, really enjoyable and completely satisfying experience.

Miss P and Miss D – Friend of mine who have now become very good friend’s of F.  Both are part of a local female domination house, and I’ve played with both. I kind of feel weird now, since we played when F and I were together, and now they play with F, and Miss D and F shot a kink set (porn) for a site together, right after F backed out on me for CrashPad. So yeah. They’re really nice and fun though.

L – L is the lovely person I met and hit on at the DMV the first week I was back in Denver, channeling Sinclair to be forward and slightly suave. We went on a few dates (she’s the one I broke my foot with), and then actually, on the same date where I met F, she told me that she wasn’t ready to be dating people. We’ve become really good friends, and hang out a lot. I’m in the midst of perverting her (and the lady she’s currently dating…who went to HS with my sister…oy) – she likes fire and electricity play now, and is totally a switch…I just don’t know how much she knows it. She also plays bass in an awesome band – Speakeasy Tiger.

M - Turns out M and I knew each other for a hot second in HS (M was a freshman when I was a senior, but we met briefly through a friend), and we re-met one night at the local dyke bar. M helped me to test out the Shunga Chocolate Body Paint, and we had a nice make-out session. Then I took M to a local play party, and later that night we had enjoyable sex, and interesting/awkward conversation (such at the whole “My anus is bleeding!” interaction). M is now engaged, and M’s finace is really nice and adorable. We still talk, and I just got Kate Bornstein’s book My Gender Workbook back, which M had borrowed.

Sasha Sappho - Sasha and I went to middle school together, and have reconnected.  We played at Thunder in the Mountains in 2008, but otherwise, are just really good friends. She now writes for the GLBTQ magazine in Denver and is freaking awesome!

KW - KW stands for Kinky Whore (by her own choosing). She was a good friend who I had made in Philly who screwed me over and completely cut me out of her life, really hurting me. That’s all.

C – I met C through a friend of mine in Philly who used to be a pro-domme, and was involved with Roller Derby. We hung out a few times, chatted, danced, etc…and in the week before I left Philly to move back to Denver, we had two amazing nights of fun, enjoyable, really connective sex. We talk occasionally on the phone, but not that often.  Amazing person.

K - K is…well. He’s intense. He’s smart. He’s interesting. He’s fucking hot. He’s…well, he’s K. I met K when I interviewed him as my replacement for my position at EdenFantasys when I left.  Biggest lust crush ever. I would have let him do pretty much anything to me.  I tried to flirt, and failed mostly, as usual.  We finally got to play at the Submit party in NYC and it was an absolutely blast.  He also made me cry when I really needed to and couldn’t.  We still talk on G-chat regularly, and he was helpful in talking to when Athena died. We hung out and he hit me (in a good way) when I visited NYC in May 09. A very cool person, and I’m glad he’s in my life. He’s also a FTM Pro Dom.  Email if you’re interested in sessioning with him.

J – J and I dated for about 6 months in 2007. We met on Craigslist (oh yes). First time I had my heart really bruised was when we broke up.  There were lots of issues with this relationship, like long distance, and age difference, and J being a sophomore in college and into drinking/drugs when it really wasn’t my scene, and me being more OCD about planning, etc. However, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. J was the first person I loved, and we had a lot of fun, tried lots of new things, and I learned a fuck ton about myself during and after this relationship. Also, the first person I fisted.  We kind of stopped contact on and off for about eight or nine months, but have recently reconnected. She now identifies as a high femme.  My mind is still trying to wrap itself around this.

The Asshole – First and only cisgender guy I ever had intercourse with. He also told me that I hadn’t really been sexually assaulted – that it was only a misunderstanding. He told me that rape was only perpetrated by strangers, and that domestic violence was only physical, never emotional or threatening. I left his apartment in tears, and have not seen him since…this was about three years ago. He tried to add me on Facebook recently. I declined.

Julius – Julius had been my best friend from about 7th or 8th grade.  He went to most of the dances with me in HS, even though we didn’t go to the same HS. We spent hours every night talking for years. He was my second “real” kiss. He was the first person to tell me that he loved me. He came to see one of my shows in college, and we hung out when I got back.  Then, about a week before I moved to Germany my junior year of college, we hooked up.  I never heard from him again. He blocked me on facebook, he didn’t return my email or hand-written letter. When I called him in 2006 before moving to Philly, he answered my call “accidentally” and then pretended to be someone else.  Last year, I wrote him a note on myspace apologizing for whatever it was that I’d done, and wishing him the best in life. He read it, but never wrote back. That’s Julius.

Wondering what to get someone for Valentine’s Day?

Don’t worry, I’m gonna put together a cute little idea guide for this weekend.  However, I, Essin’ Em, desperately want a Vulva Puppet.

As most of you know, I’m a sexuality educator who does workshops on a variety of things regarding sexuality at places around the country.  While it’s do-able to present these classes with a Sasha Grey deep penetration pussy (which  I use because it actually has some hair on it), I would much much rather do it with a vulva puppet.  Oh Megan and Jamye Waxman have their own puppets and love them deeply.

They have big, full sized ones here on the original vulva puppets page, for $125 a piece.  Then, for those, like me, who are less endowed on the financial end, they have a series of mini vulva puppets for only $35.  Personally, I’d love either the Lilith, Venus or Bast.

Q and I don’t really celebrate V-Day.  I got her a binder last week because I know she’d really been wanting one. But how do I tell her I’ve really be wanting a vulva puppet?

If someone out there loves me a lot, has some extra $$ and wants to spoil a hard working sex educator with a vulva puppet (I’d prefer full size, but even a mini-one would be far superior to cyberskin vagina with no clit), I’d love you forever and ever.  If you’re interested, shoot me an email at EssinEm at gmail dot com, and we can talk about bartering (online/phone sex coaching, erotica, etc) and I’ll let you know where you could send it.

I know everyone (including Q and myself) is deep in debt, and I totally don’t expect it. But I mean, come on, how cool would it be to get a vulva for V-Day?

-Essin’ Em

Right around this time last year, Q and I had sex for the first time, and I started bringing out the kink in her, and turning her into a fancy schmancy little pervert. Obviously, this has turned into more than friends with benefits or even casual dating, as we’ve moved together to Phoenix, live in a two bedroom condo together, and have merged our kitty families.

On that note, last week was Kali’s one year adopt-iversary.  I got my lovely girl last year right after coming home from my shoots in San Francisco for Crash Pad Series and NoFauxx.com.  I welcomed her as an older cat (she’s almost 8) into my home after mourning the loss of my love Athena. She has wormed her way into everyone’s heart (although Kinsey does still go after her occasionally), and is definitely Daddy’s little girl with Q.  It’s adorable.

I shot my first porn last January. Since then, I’ve also shot for GoodDykePorn.com and for a movie that Madison Young is doing for Good Releasing.  Obviously, I don’t have the right body type, gender presentation or sexual orientation to be a mainstream porn star, but I really do love the shoots I done.  I love that I’ve gotten to show people that there is more to porn than blondes with fake boobs faking orgasms.  I love that I’ve been part of the queer porn revolution.

I’ve gotten to present in San Francisco, Seattle, DC and Denver, and soon will do do in Phoenix.  I worked a temp contract job for the corporate world (at Western Union), and now I’m working a dream job at Fascinations.  Oh how things can change so much in a year.

Despite my tonsil surgery (have currently paid out $4500, and still have more bills coming in), new pain in my hips and worse pain in my knees and back, despite my credit cards being maxxed out, and my friends all living 700 miles away, despite my car breaking down and having no A/C (in PHOENIX), I am in such a better and happier place than I was last year.

So I acknowledge that.  Less depression (although it’s still there, and poor Q is still the recipient of random bursts of tears at time), more goodness, same amount of painkillers.  I say that’s pretty impressive given all the change and the recession.

So happy 2010 to all, albeit a bit late.  I look forward to what is coming (other than myself).

-Essin’ Em

Here is another erotica book that I’m in (you can also read my story The Parking Garage in Wetter: More True Lesbian Stories), this one edited by Rachel Krammer Bussel. It’s called the Lust Chronicles - my story Submit about K is in it.  Think lots of kinky, queer sex with a hot trans guy in a BDSM club in New York.  Does it make it better that it’s a true story?  Plus, stories by Lolita Wolf, Graydancer, Mollena, Sinclair Sexsmith and more!

Here’s what Amazon has to say about it: “Rachel Kramer Bussel has created her own type of erotica. An earthy, true-to-life style that draws her readers in and keeps then focused until the very last word”—Alison Tyler The Lust Chronicles takes readers inside the minds of men and women who know how to get their kink on. Fantasies are fulfilled as they go to orgies, join the Mile High Club, seduce sexy strangers and do all the naughty things they’ve always wanted to try. In “Luke Lushious,” Lolita Wolf attends a summer sex camp and finds the man of her dirtiest dreams, while Alex M. Quinlan learns “The Consequences of Complaint.” Here you’ll find an ode to older women, lust for a girl in a fedora, one woman’s love affair with public sex, and several passionate paeans to the lovers you just can’t forget. Readers will identify with their cravings for over-the-top sex, and get off along with the narrators as they recount every last intimate detail. Proving that truth is far hotter than fiction, the Lust Chronicles authors bare all, letting you live vicariously through their steamy, 100% true stories.

Enjoy the hottness of the Lust Chronicles!

-Essin’ Em

Some people like birth control. Some people hate it. Tons and tons of people are on it for a variety of reasons.

People are always shocked when I tell them I’ve been on the Nuva Ring for years…and am STILL on it. I’ve been on birth control of various sorts (different pills, the patch, the ring) for seven years now. I went off of it for 2.5 months this fall as a test…and guess who is planning to go right back on it?

I love that people assume that birth control is only used by women who are having sex with cisgender men.  I haven’t been sexually active with a cisgender man AT ALL in two years (well, there was a kiss on New Year’s Eve last year), and haven’t had any type of sex that MIGHT possibly make babies in almost four years.  Yet I’ve been on hormonal birth control for the better part of a decade.

Why? Because I get horrible, life consuming (and calling out of school/work) cramps pretty much any time I bleed.  And the whole bleeding thing? Well, I’ve been off hormones from the Nuva Ring for about 75 days.  I’ve been bleeding for at least 30 of them. My body doesn’t get it, never has. I first started on the pill because I had three weeks of bleeding in six weeks when I was 17.  Yeah.  I hadn’t been off the hormones since then, and clearly, it didn’t learn anything.

I wish there was a better answer than using CBC (continuous birth control) where I go from ring to ring, only taking a break to bleed twice a year, or when my body decides to tell the hormones “fuck you” and I bleed anyways.  I wish I could get an IUD or an implant or something…but those are to prevent babies, not to stop your period, and that’s all I use BC for.

I hated the pill – I could never remember to take it at the same time, and if I was off by more than an hour or two, I’d start bleeding (I know, right?).  I tried the patch, but a quarter of a corner would peel up, and bam – I’d start bleeding.  I love the ring.  I can accidentally leave it in an extra day, and it’s not blood bath and beyond right away. I never feel it.  I just change it once a month. I’m one of the lucky ones who doesn’t get a headache from it, and it helps my skin out (as I figured out when I got off of it and suddenly had acne like I was a 15 year old again).

So I raise my glass to you, my $40 a month Nuva Ring. Thank goddess I found you so that I can function, and not be participating in Shark Week for a few weeks of every month.  I wish you were cheaper, I wish I didn’t need you, I wish people didn’t make assumptions about me because I use you…but regardless, I am glad that you exist.

That is all.

-Essin’ Em

I LOVE chocolate.  Particularly GOOD chocolate. Milk chocolate is ok, and I’m not a fan of white, but a good piece of dark or bittersweet can really rev me up, and provides almost as much pleasure as a night with the Hitachi.

So when I first saw this new Nomi Tang vibe with the name “Better than Chocolate,” I did a double take. NOTHING is better than chocolate.  I mean, perhaps it was “close to as awesome as chocolate,” or even “on par with the amazing-ness of chocolate,” but certainly not BETTER than chocolate. I HAD to have one in order to verify these claims, and Babeland was kind enough to oblige my curiousity.

What is this new toy that claims to be superior to the cocoa bean? It’s a futuristic stingray shaped, ergonomic (would be great for people with varied motor skill abilities) vibrator that distains the traditional button system, and instead allows you to control your level of vibration as well as type of vibrating stimulation by a fancy schmancy little slider bar.  You slide it one way to increase vibration, the other way to decrease, and you tap the blue NT (NomiTang) logo to change the type of vibration you’re getting. It doesn’t stop there; once you figure out exactly how you like the buzziness, you tap the other end of the slider for two seconds, and it locks it on your setting. Impressive? Yes.

Currently, the color selection is purple (kind of a magenta) or blue (deep, dark blue). Thank goodness – I was afraid I’d fall in love with this new toy, and that it would be pink. [new readers: I am incredibly allergic to, and HATE the color pink]. It’s made of elastomer, which is phthalate free (although I don’t think it is sterilizable – any yays or nays on this?), and feels absolutely delightful. I always love sex toys that you WANT to touch and feel and put on your naughty bits.

It takes AAA batteries, which after having reviewed so many rechargeable toys(like the Form Six and the Delight), we had to actually scrounge to find them. Totally worth it.

I like this toy a lot. Which surprises me. I don’t usually like vibrators unless they can blow up a nuclear missile. While the BTC probably will never be ever to get me to climax, it felt good. Really damn good. I enjoyed having it hug my clit, and tease me. It was tantilizing.  And Q? Ha! Q loved this toy.  She loved it when she put the batteries in, she loved it when I ran it over her body, and while she didn’t really form actual words while I used it on her cunt, I’m pretty sure by the noises she DID make that she loved it there. Its shape is brilliant, and actually let me stimulate both her clit AND her cunt opening at the same time.

I also really appreciated the box it came in, and the little cloth carry bag (similar to the idea of the one that comes with all Lelo toys). They actually made a big deal about not using plastic in the packaging to be more earth friendly.  Marketing schtick? Perhaps, but it sure got me to notice and be impressed.

While I’m not sure that this toy is in fact better than chocolate (because really, even the Hitachi is a tie), it is pretty damn close.  It’s been very hard finding a vibrator that BOTH Q and I like, since we have so varied tastes, but we both give this one 5 stars. It’s eco friendly, body friendly, pink haters friendly, and has an interesting concept with great vibrations options. I can say that despite my expectations of wanting to pick it apart, I actually really do like this vibe.

Click here to get your very own, pretty damn close to as satisfying as chocolate vibrator.

-Essin’ Em