Sexuality Happens

Nothing is perfect, which is why there is communication

Nothing is perfect, no matter how hard we try.

Sometimes people have asked me via email, twitter, comments and in person, how Q and I have this perfectly perfect relationship.

The answer is that it ISN’T perfect. But we communicate about the imperfections, and we move on.

There are nights when we’re falling asleep, and I wind up crying because she didn’t tell me she loved me before she passed out. It’s a weird issue I have from my dad dying when i was 13, and she’s usually REALLY good about it. But if I’m in vulnerable place already, and she’s tired and forgets, it might set me off.  So she hugs me and she holds me (after she asks if I’m crying and I valiantly try to shake my head and she tells me not to lie to her and I tell her I could never lie to her really), and we talk about what it was that set me off.

Or one of us brings up something about gender, and she cries, and I think I said something wrong, and it was really just the conversation about gender that set her off, and we talk about it, and hold each other, and discuss it and she lets it out, and we cuddle.

When we came back from New York, we had the worst fight we’d ever had.  Over the cat litter. Why? Neither of us had slept in two days, we hadn’t had any time alone as just us in five days, we’d been traveling all day, and were stressed. So I got frustrated that she was sleeping and Jasper was trying to pee outside the litter box because it was a mess and she’d forgotten to tell me we were out of litter and she got upset that I was frustrated, and kaBOOM. I left sobbing, driving to three groceries at midnight (all closed) trying to get cat litter.  Then I came home, and we crawled into bed, holding each other, telling each other how much we loved each other, and how sorry we were. The next day we talked about the fight, how it came to be, I bought cat litter, and she changed the litter boxes. Then we fucked. And we talked some more.

We talk about everything. Even if it seems little, menial or unimportant. I tell her when something she’s said doesn’t sit right with me. She tells me if I get over plan-y (as I am often). Little things, yes, but we talk about it before it becomes something big. We tell each other we love each other all the time. We set aside talking time. We have date night. We never ever go to bed angry, or at the very least without discussing it.

And that is why, even though our relationship is not perfect, even though each of us has a plethora of flaws and issues and nit-picking, we are able to maintain this wonderful relationship with one another, without driving each other crazy.

People ask what’s wrong with people today, why relationships don’t last. My thoughts? Turn off the TV. Shut the computer. Put your cell phone on stun. Talk to your partner. Not just about their day, but about them. How are they feeling? Are they happy/sad/mad/upset/worried/frustrated/satisfied/etc? What else do they need? What else do they want? If you can’t communicate with your partner (and they with you, and you each with yourselves), how can any relationship work?

-Essin’ Em

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8 Comments so far

  1. Chris January 4th, 2010 7:51 am

    Amen! Communication is the key. It’s more than a cliche slogan; it’s the only thing that really works.

  2. Aida January 4th, 2010 9:54 am


  3. Sarahbear January 4th, 2010 12:33 pm

    This is so very true. We are so quick to get caught up in our daily lives and then we veg out in front of the television to wind down at night, instead of spending some much needed time focusing on our relationships. This post is an excellent reminder of that. I loved it.

  4. Truly January 4th, 2010 1:15 pm

    “Turn off the TV. Shut the computer. Put your cell phone on stun. Talk to your partner. Not just about their day, but about them.”
    Yes, yes, yes!

  5. lady brett January 5th, 2010 9:13 am


    sounds pretty perfect to me, even so =)

  6. Adriana January 6th, 2010 7:05 am

    I wish I had read this years ago.. I wish I had learned it then

  7. Joanna Cake January 6th, 2010 11:25 am

    Everyone wants there to be some magic potion that allows you to have the perfect relationship for no effort. And it just doesnt happen that way. As was said earlier, communication is everything.

    Having come out of three decades living with a man who could not or would not let any emotion surface, being with Ruf is like a rollercoaster. But it’s so much better to air things that upset us when we’re wrapped in each other’s arms. In that type of loving environment, you can say pretty much anything, so long as you give the reasoning behind it and keep reassuring the other person how much you love them but that this upsets you.

    It’s taken me a long time to realise that both parties have to work at the perfect relationship.

  8. Rain January 10th, 2010 10:37 pm

    Absolutely. The little things can be simple if you can let them out. It’s when they sit and become too big that things get so much harder. Setting aside just plain talking time is really excellent. Thank you for sharing this. It’s always nice to see that even awesome couples and high-functioning people have difficulties, and how they deal with them.

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