Can Straight Women Be Femmes?
This post is based on thoughts I’ve been having for a long time, and then inspired by a post over at Alphafemme about the Markers of a Queer Femme.
She talks about goals she has that to her, seem very Femme. However, if taken out of the context of her being queer, would there be any difference between a queer woman (femme identified) and a straight woman writing it.
Q and I were having a similar discussion the other night when out with a straight friend. Q said something to her about being a Femme, and I took a little offense, but before speaking up, I asked our friend if she identified as a femme.
“Well, I like wearing heels sometimes, and make up, but it’s not like I do it every day.”
This then lead into a conversation of what does femme mean, and the different between femme and feminine. Etc. This discussion I’ve had a lot, both online and in real life. I myself had a lot of trouble choosing the femme identity at first; I had confused it with feminine, and at the time, I was very anti the concept of feminine. People talked to me about being a femme, and I’d answer with “but I don’t wear heels or lipstick, and I hate pink. Ergo, I can’t be a femme.” Then, after much conversation, I realized that femme is not about skirts, or make-up, or shoes. It’s about embodying an attitude.
Later that night, once our friend had gone home, Q and I were still talking about it. She asked me if straight woman could be femmes (similar to a convo had online with other as to whether straight women and men could be butch).
I don’t have an answer. But I want to say no. Why? Because *my* identity is developed around the concept of femme. About being a strong queer woman who has femme wiles, but isn’t feminine per se. About being able to open the door but loving it when Q does it anyways. About being able to cook and then change a tire, all while wearing either jeans/t-shirt or heels and a pencil skirt. To me, femme has become an extension of my queer-ness, a bridge between my orientation and my gender.
And it’s really hard for me to envision someone who hasn’t go through some of the things queer folk go through (disbelief as really being queer, having to fight for our rights, having our emotional and physical safety challenged, having our partners made fun of, etc) still being able to understand and embody that identity. To me, being femme is when someone calls Q “lady” and I comfort her and assure her than she is really such a handsome boi. Being femme is when I can talk to people about gender who would never listen to someone who presents as gender queer. Femme is when someone says “that’s so gay” about his friend at the grocery store, and I tap them on the shoulder and say “no….I’m gay. The end.”
Am I being a gender hog? Perhaps. I *know* deep down that it shouldn’t fucking matter. I’ve met queer men who identify as femme, and I don’t have as much of an issue. Gender isn’t a line or anything — it’s a schmorgasboard, and you can pick and choose exactly how you identify. If you want to be a glitter slut tranny boi fag, you can do it. So I’m not sure why I have such issues with straight women identifying as Femmes, but it’s totally a hang up for me.
Does it mean that straight women can’t be femme? Of course not. I’m not the gender police. On the other hand, does it mean I’m uncomfortable with the terminology appropriation, just like I am when I cis-guy tells me he’s “just like all the other dykes I know”? Yes. Very much so.
Thoughts?
-Essin’ Em
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It’s weird you brought this up because I have been reading all of these blogs for a few months now and have been wondering just this. I don’t know what I title myself as, I’m still trying to figure that out. Straight, bi, tomboy, ect. I like to dress up sometimes and I love to wear my vans and jeans every other day. I know that I love to treat people right and open doors for them, help them carry things, show them love or give them a shoulder to lean on. It doesn’t have to be women only though, it can be for anyone. So can a woman be into chivalry and not be butch or be a lesbian? Seems like everyone loves to fight putting people into boxes but then they do it anyways!
good article ! “Does it mean that straight women can’t be femme? Of course not.”
I think that femme is a useful category for straight women if only to specify that it doesn’t have to be their gender default, that there are other possibilities. By expanding concepts like femme and butch into heterosexual communities, we’re giving them the option of gender fluidity, of a wider range of identity options. Queering straightness, if you will.
I also just think it’s great when a person of any gender or sexuality can claim their identity in a thoughtful way, rather than relying on what they’re supposed to be. A straight woman calling herself femme because she understands what it means in terms of gender and has consciously embraced that is pretty cool by me. A lot cooler than a straight woman just being feminine by default.
So yeah, I do like the use of femme for straight people, and it’s because I like anything that chips away at the rigidity of our gender (and sexual) roles.
I think that stating that only one set of people can use a particular term is classist and divisive. So what if a straight woman wants to use the marker femme? How does that personally affect you? If it spreads the terminology around, if it enlightens people and makes them think, if it helps a straight woman find surer footing in feminism, then in my book, it’s an ok thing.
I know that I am less attached to femme than you are. Frankly, I don’t know what the hell I am right now, nor if I really want to claim any titles, because the ones that I think fit, I don’t really like.
But, I do know that in my explorations of gender and what they mean to me and how they apply to my life, I have a better understanding and am able to talk to people who have NO idea there isn’t a binary about it and educate them. I just had a discussion this weekend with someone from a very traditional, New York, Long Island Italian family about gender and how it’s more like a big cloud with a billion amalgamations. I then went onto sleep with him. So, I could be a straight woman for all intents and purposes (let’s just look at the surface here…) and because I could also claim the term femme, and because I claim it with a certain understanding of what it means to different people, I am able to take the knowledge and expand someone else’s view of the world. That’s a good thing, no matter how you slice it.
I think it’s brave for you to be honest about how you really feel about it, but no, I don’t think there’s any problem with straight women claiming femme.
very nice story.. i like that very much
Great post… I’m curious.. how are we defining “straight” in this context?? I am not sure what I identify as right now.. I have a boyfriend.. but I also have a girlfriend.. who happens to be my boyfriends girlfriend… I’m mostly attracted to men, but it’s not 100%. I know we’ve had extensive conversations about what it means to be Queer.. but at the same time, I’m not offended when people in public or my vanilla life (who don’t know about any of my relationships) call me straight (partially because it’s what I identified as for years). Would you hypothetically have a problem with ME identifying as Femme?? I’m not quite straight.. but not sure if I’m Queer either… thoughts?
For me, Femme is a queer gender identity. I’m happy with anyone (straight, queer, cis, trans, etc.) who defines gender queerly identify with those terms.
I do understand where you’re coming from, and what I think we’re talking about here is intent and the thought behind the identification versus “I like heels!” I love the idea of straight, cis-folks identifying themselves with queered gender terms, and thereby having to explain queer genders and a non-binary spectrum to people who will, inevitably, be confused by the identification. Identifying as femme because you like heels, though, and not because you’ve thought about gender, irks me.
Femme is so fucking radically fierce to me because people often only see *feminine*, and then get smacked in the face with the non-binary gender spectrum when we open our mouths. I think it’d be amazing if more and more people fucked the binary, identified queerly, and spread that shit around.
I don’t get sick of this question! Thanks for the thoughtful post. I enjoyed the challenging comments, too. I have to echo Paradox and challenge myself to feel inclusive of anyone having access to the term femme and its meaning. I still have friends that are/were femme identified, queer and feel excluded from the id because they now are partnered with a male. For me, queer identities = inclusive.
I have been thinking about this post most of the week, and kept it set aside to respond to when I had time to do so thoughtfully… it’s a subject that’s been much on my mind recently.
I can’t remember a time when I didn’t *manifest* as femme – but I could not *identify* as femme until I moved from semi-closeted het-partnered-bi to out queer-identified-bi. I didn’t feel “policed”; I never, ever had the sense that anyone in the queer community was telling me I couldn’t use the word. I just felt like… femme loses a lot of its power in a context where it could be conflated with passing. As long as I wasn’t sure, in my own head, from one moment to another, what I was doing, I couldn’t claim the word. I had to be out to be femme. “Being femme is when I can talk to people about gender who would never listen to someone who presents as gender queer.” – YES. This.
I think it would take a hell of a strong sense of self and a willingness to be an uncompromising ally for a straight woman to 1.) identify as femme and 2.) actually get what that means to those of us who are not straight, and represent in an absolutely respectful way. I’ve met women like that. I think it’s an extremely rare thing, though. Most of the time, by far, it’s just appropriation, and yeah, it gets under my skin too.
It’s taken me way too long to comment on this, mostly cuz my work blocks your URL (boo! so arbitrary! it allows other sex blogs!) and work is where I do most of my blogging these days, and also because I wanted to wait and see what other commenters would say because honestly I didn’t think I had a clear answer.
But after reading the comments, I found myself nodding along vigourously to Beth’s comment, right above me. I don’t think it’s impossible for a straight woman to be femme. I just think it’s rare. And I think this is because “femme” means a lot more than just “likes to wear heels,” or whatever. The indicators of femme can be different from one femme to another, but I think the one thing that all femmes have to have in common is an intentionality about their identity, a conscious self-defining of their femininity. I know a lot of awesome feminist straight women, but I don’t think any of them have anywhere near the sort of intentionality about their gender identities that I do.
I guess I feel that with straight women (and that’s *different* from *women who date men*, cuz not all of them identify as straight), the burden of proof is on them, so to speak, to justify their use of the word femme. What I mean by that is, if a straight woman uses the word femme to identify herself, I feel justified in asking her questions about it, maybe even challenging her. If a queer/lesbian woman uses the word femme, even if she doesn’t seem like the type who’s very interested in/aware of gender issues, I won’t question it.
Double standard? Maybe. It’s just what I feel.