Sex Educator Fail
When I was in San Francisco, I had four classes and one reading planned. The reading went off without a hitch, and two of my four classes (Vaginal Fisting for One and All and SexAbility) had particapatory, albeit small audiences, and were awesome.
However, two classes just failed. My BDSM 101 class failed because no one had shown up, and I’d gone through all the trouble of lugging floggers, canes, crops, knives, vampire gloves, wartenburg wheels and more from Phoenix to San Francisco, and then from the hotel to Femina Potens. Alas, these things happen.
But what has shaken my confidence a bit, and taken a while to get over was my Relationship Mapping/Poly 101 class schedule first, on Wednesday night.
First of all, no one showed up to open the door till 5 minutes till 6. Which really didn’t matter, since no one had shown up by then. Finally, two people, a couple showed up. I waited a little longer to get started, and then I did. With a class of two. One of whom told me he’d been around paint fumes all day and was in not mood to be interactive or participate. Which was great, since this is the class where we all draw relationship maps of our own lives, and figure out what they mean, how they change over time, etc. Ok, fine. Q was there with me, so she, and I, and the volunteer, and the woman in the couple participated. And then! My friend from Denver who is now going to school in SF showed up. Yay! Another friendly face. I continued in my talk when suddenly, 25 minutes into my presentation, the woman stood up, said “this is way too basic for us. I mean, maybe if you’d been here last year, we’d have gotten something out it, but we’re not interested.” And she and her partner walked out after taking my handouts (that I save for the end of the class).
I sat there in shock for a moment, and then, to my chagrin, I burst into tears. Thank goodness for the volunteer, and Q, and my friend, and the next speaker, Catherine Toyooka, who all comforted me, and said that they were clearly just looking to pick up another poly couple, and that they were rude, and that some of the questions they had asked indicated they might be a bit homophobic. None of these answers made me feel much better, but having a little group of people, only half of whom I knew, trying to comfort me, that in and of itself was comforting.
Did it shake my confidence? Oh yes. I have NEVER had anyone walk out of a class/workshop before…regardless of whether there were 50 people or 5. I was a little angry, because purposely put 101 in the class name, so that people who have all the basics don’t accidently show up (likely why no one came to my BDSM 101 class). But more so, I was hurt. Was I really that bad a presenter that people couldn’t even hang on till the end of the presentation to leave? Was I so bad it was worth being rude to me?
The next day, I did my fisting demo. I had almost 15 people, which again, while small, created an interactive and intimate audience that was wonderful. I was a little nervous and shakey to start, but I had Q and the lovely Alphafemme in the audience, and a plethora of strangers asking great questions and being really engaged. I felt revitalized and excited and so happy to be educating again. It helped that Roxxie of Cyber-Dyke was my brilliant demo bottom.
So where do I stand now? I fly to Brown University on Sunday to present 4 classes/workshops on Monday and Tuesday. I’m doing a cunnilingus class here in Phoenix in April. I was on Kink on Tap last weekend and felt that Sarah Sloane and I rocked the casbah. So clearly, some people/groups like me and want to hear what I have to say.
But every time I present now, I know I’ll have that tiny little worry of “what if?” What if people walk out? What if people want to walk out but are too polite to and just sit through a horrible class? What if I can never “make it” as a sex educator?
And that, my dear readers, is my most recent story of sex educator fail.
-Essin’ Em
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I’m so sorry about the horrible experience you just had. I love your blog, and I’m sure you’re just as fantastic in person as you are in writing. :) Your friends and colleagues are clearly right — the people who left have absolutely no manners. It sounds like you handled the situation really well. :)
Ugh. Mean people suck. I am sorry that happened to you. I have presented at workshops before and people have left. It does rattle confidence. Now, I am kind of glad when people leave tho. I care so much about what I am speaking about and if people leave they are not taking my hard work with them.
Does it help to know that your words keep so many of us company?
Aw sugar. This shit happens – thankfully it happens less and less over time. The things you’re doing to help people get to know you – your website, your podcasting, etc – will help, too; people will come in *wanting* to see you succeed and being invested in giving you the opportunity to show your stuff. ~hugs~
That’s not a failure on your part. Not at all. It sounds exactly like that couple was just coming to pick up another couple to play with. I watched the video of your sex toy presentation a few days ago and it has nothing to do with how animated, interesting or good you are at giving a presentation.
So what if people leave? You’re out there trying to give people valuable information about sex and relationships. They’re the ones missing out by leaving early. Some people are just rude.
I’m sorry to hear that two of your classes didn’t pan out. (And espcially that one was a rude paint-huffing horror.)
However, you don’t need to ask “what if.” You’ve been given a big gift: you experienced the worst case scenario and lived to tell the tale! Its all uphill from this experience. You already know what *could* happen and you already know you *can* handle it. Bravo! You’re stronger than you were before PLUS you know your friends are wonderful.
Best wishes as you forge ahead with success!
As an educator, any type of educator, you strive to reach all of the students in your class. Strive… i.e. hope to, want to, work towards… that is all you can do. There are no guarantees that you will reach everyone or anyone for that matter, and that may have absolutely nothing to do with you. Perhaps the students came into the class with expectations that did not meet your goals? Perhaps they were forced to be there (if this situation that would not really be the case, but I teach undergrads, they are forced to be there and they don’t want to be).
If you have been doing this as long as you have and never had anyone be disappointed or walk out, I think you are doing a FABULOUS job.
That certainly wasn’t a fail. You deliberately included 101 in the class name. If the couple couldn’t read that, that is their stupidity. They have no idea how lucky they are to be included in one of your classes in San Francisco. I would be there if I could.
The fact that you are out there and educating proves you are a sex educator. The fact that you hold classes across the country shows you’re a pretty good one at that. Every teacher has bad classes. Just focus on the good ones.
Shanna, I’m so sorry to hear that this happened to you. It is a really ugly thing to happen to someone who is so wonderful. I have met you in person and seen you talk and know how fucking fabulous you are. Every once in a while the world will try to knock you down, and as AliceSin stated, you survived the worst. Here’s a quote from Batman: “Why do we fall down? So we can learn to get back up.” So, this experience will only make you stronger… But it still sucks and those people where clearly rude. I have learned so much from you over the years and you have been one of my true mentors, so know that many people love you and find your experiences and knowledge as a sex educator very valuable and inspiring! (((HUGS)))
You can’t please everyone all the time. You can only do what you can do to be clear what the class entails and let people decide if it is something they are interested in learning more about. Those folks were douchebags, straight up. Anyone who is an asshole to a presenter like that doesn’t deserve the info you have to teach. Seriously, don’t sweat it. You’ll find tacky people just trying to use your classes to hook up sometimes, but just think about all the good you are doing for everyone else who is there to actually learn. How often are your classes awesome compared to how often you encounter jerkfaces? I’m imagining the ratio is in your favor. So, do yourself a favor – don’t let those assholes shake your confidence. It’s their loss.
xoxo
jd
Thank you all so so so much for your kind words and support. I can’t express how much they mean to me.
-S
That is so totally and completely awful. As someone who facilitates a lot I really gasped aloud in horror. Clearly they were assholes but of course it upset you.
Oddly, this is maybe one of my favorite posts of yours. There is something really wonderful about being privy to the bad days as well as the good ones. It feels really authentic. Thank you for all the sharing you do on this site. Your voice is appreciated.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience. I hope it eventually morphs into one of those it’s so bad it it’s funny moments.
xo
I agree with everything everyone else has said… but I wanted to add:
Fuck those ass hats, they have no idea what they missed out on. I have learned more about sexuality and sexuality education from you than I have from 25 years of life experience and many many hours trolling around the interwebs. You are a very valuable member of our community, the work you do is important and im glad your doing it.
So, Thank you! :)
What everyone else said! As a totally unbiased spectator (and by that I mean, I had no expectations of how you would present, never having seen you before and all!) at your fisting class, I thought it was *amazing*. It was fun, and funny, and hot, and reeeeally informative and useful. And you’re just such a natural. You’ve got charisma, you’re really engaging, you know how to structure a workshop, AND you obviously know what you’re talking about.
So, re the poly 101 class… it sounds like them, not you. I know that’s easier to say than to believe, but there are always people like that and I think it says a lot about you as a presenter that you haven’t run into any of them until now!
I’m genuinely shocked by the appalling behaviour of others, I really am. You were there to do a service: a service of education and enlightenment. They were clearly not there to learn so why bother going at all?
I love the way you write and your presentation video was brilliant. If you were ever to come and do workshops in the UK, I’d be there, in the front row, being super keen and irritating! ;)
Big hugs, lady. Huge. LEG HUGS.