Sexuality Happens

I was just thinking about how much hair styles have changed over the years, and I don’t mean the bob to the bee-hive.

I remember when I was in college, and decided to try shaving my vulva. It wasn’t for anyone; I was single and not sexually active at the time, so it was just an experiment. I discovered that I liked having less hair down there, as it meant that I could feel the vibrations of my toys better, and I just liked the way it felt, and the way it looked. When we did our yearly nude photos for the Vagina Monologues cast, I was the ONLY woman out of 20+ that removed public hair, two years running. People questioned my feminism, others stared; I felt like a minority by shaving.

I continued to shave (and waxed once…it worked well, but I don’t see the purpose in dropping that kind of a money when I can get razors much much much cheaper). Some of my partners commented on it with surprise, but slowly, it became more mainstream, and less people said anything. Until I started sleeping with queer people. Many of them were shocked that I chose to remove hair, or at least commented on it as odd; at the time, many people in the queer community weren’t removing their pubic hair.

That too has changed. A lot. It seems that most femmes and feminine people (including many guy-identified people) choose to remove their pubic hair. To the point where, at a talk I was having the other day, I said something about the labia majora naturally containing hair, and someone raised their hand and asked why, since “everyone just removes it anyways.”

Not everyone removes their pubic hair, and I do feel, for some part, that pubic hair removal is a trend. Just like not everyone wore a bob, or a beehive, not everyone changes up their pubic hair. Some grow it and groom it with pride, others let it go wild, some people trim it, other leave strips of hair, and some go all bare. All of these are 100% valid choices, as long as they are made by the possessors of said hair, and not partners telling them the way they should or should not look.

Please, let’s not make peopel feel shamed for choosing to cultivate their pubic hair in the same way that I was made to feel shamed by fellow feminists for choosing to remove my hair. Hair is a personal choice, and I want to make sure that when we talk about sex positive, and cultural change and norms and all that, we look at how our views on pubic hair have changed even in the last half decade, and support people’s choice, regardless. Cause as they say, hair today, gone tomorrow.

-Essin’ Em

More in the hot Eye Candy Series, which features queer porn stars in a variety of styles of porn (pictures/video, galleries and stills, vanilla and kink, etc).

This week, we’ve got a nice variety of hot and sexy shots from Furry Girl’s newest porn site, Cocksexual. This site features pictures of hot women and trans people strapped on and giving it in the cunt and ass to people of all sexes and genders. From shiny and sparkly to more flesh colored and very realistic cocks, every one is rocking the cock, and those on the receiving end are enjoying giving blow jobs and getting some good old fashioned (and new fashioned) fucking.

Click here to see all of the hot pictures and videos of the Cocksexual models getting it on!

As some (many) of you know, I’m a model for the 2011 Sex Blogger Calendar, scheduled to be released October 1st (in NYC — I’ll be there, so will all the models like Jiz Lee, Mollena and Nina Hartley!).

Right now, there are 180 (probably less by the time you read this) days for sale on the calendar. How does it work? Basically, it’s $25 for a day, 5 days for $100. You get to put 80 characters of whatever you’d like on that day.  Wish someone a happy birthday. Celebrate a blogiversary. Rock out with your cock out. Promote your company. Whatever it is you’d like to do.  All proceeds go to the Woodhull Foundation for Sexual Freedom. Also, if you pre-order now, it’s $40 for both a calendar AND a day, so you save $5!

Click here to order your days.

-Essin’ Em

Want to get me a day as present that gives towards sexual freedom?  Here are some ideas:

October 18th: My 5th year blogiversary

December 17th: Me and Q’s anniversary

October 9th: The day Q and I are planning to get married

June 9th: My half birthday! (which I totally celebrate)

May 2011: Us moving back to Colorado!

January 21st: The first time Q and I had sex

October 2nd: Day I got Kinsey

January 23rd: Day I got Kali

Nov 1st: Day Q and I moved in together

I’m going to be the maid of honor in my best friend’s wedding on July 10th, and I can’t wait to see her again. I need to figure out how to write the maid of honor toast (she thinks it is sexist that only the best man gets to make one, so I get to make one now too). I’ve never written a toast before (I’ve only been to three in my whole life; one I was a bridesmaid, one I was a guest, and one I was performing the ceremony).  I don’t make a lot of a toasts. I need to do some research.

That said, it’s been really interesting watching how much wedding culture and wedding marketing has changed her plans. Spring of last year when she got engaged, she was so free and flexible with her plans; she told me she just wanted all the bridesmaid to wear dresses, and that I could wear combat boots if I so chose. Then, she wanted knee length black dresses, no combat boots, but told me I could dye my hair blue to match her wedding colors.  Then, it was everyone would be wearing blue dresses, but maybe I could have a maid of honor dress in black, with just a blue ribbon on it. And then, it became a cornflower blue tea-length dress from David’s Bridal (a homophobic, transphobic company I would have MUCH preferred not to support).  Moreover, I had to buy the dress end of March, given my size at the time.  However, in May, I suddenly gained 20 pounds at random (having my thyroid checked out after I return from Colorado). The dress? No longer fits. So for the last week, and the next two, my diet has become luna bar in the morning, lean cuisine/smart ones for lunch, 11-14 raw almonds and an apple as a snack, and salads for dinner. I am constantly hungry and a bit cranky at all times.  But losing 10-15 pounds so I can fit in this bloody cornflower blue dress from an unethical company so that I look perfect for my best friend’s wedding? That’s how it’s “Supposed” to work, given the wedding industry.

Not only that, but they started with a specific budget in mind. As they continued to plan more and more, the budget continued to increase more and more. I can’t but help point out that the current wedding budget is enough for a down payment on a a house (or close to it).  And still, in the wedding industry, it’s considered a “low budget wedding.”

Q and I are looking at 5,000 for our budget (including alllll rentals, my dress, her tux, food, photos, music, flowers, ceremony, etc), and are having a hell of a time with people taking us seriously, telling me that you can’t plan a “real” wedding without at least ten grand. Ten grand? With that, we could spend a month in Europe, or get ready to save for our house, etc.  

So as I look towards our wedding, I hope I can easily escape the pressures put on marrying people by society and the wedding industry.  It helps that I don’t want a white dress, or a perfect wedding. However, I do want a fabulous celebration of our family and friends, with yummy food and fun music, and a cute/sexy red and black dress.

Wish me luck,

-Essin’ Em

Sexuality and Disability Educational Series

For all Disabilities and Sexual Orientations
June 30 – September 22
Wednesdays, 6:30 – 8:30PM
Center for Independent Living, Berkeley, CA
Suggested Donation: $25 per class
Sexuality and intimate loving relationships are a fundamental part of everyone’s life.  This 12-week series is designed for individuals who are living with a disability as well as his or her friends, families, partners and attendants.

You will gain ways to improve:

•      Self-Esteem and Body Image                               
•      Healthy Relationships
•      Delicacies of Kissing and Touch
•      Chronic Pain and Sexuality
•      Sexual Health
•      Practical Tips and Tools for Enhanced Sexuality
•      Solo Sex & Partnered Sex

Our philosophy:
•      Participants will have a chance to experience the support of peers and have an increased sense of community
•      Attendees can experience a sense of empowerment, hopefulness, improved self-esteem and self-confidence
•      Learn new skills and resources to expand knowledge regarding one’s sexuality, sexual health and intimate relationships in a nonjudgmental environment
•      Workshop goals to be achieved through presentation of topics, facilitated sharing and experiential exercises

Limited Space Available.  To reserve your place please email Dr. Biggs at rebiggs@mac.com

For more information go to www.somaevolution.org

I don’t use condoms as often as some people, it’s true. Sometimes I use them to cover sex toys, others I used to use on my Hitachi (that is, before I got the amazing Off with Your Head Hitachi Cover), and of course, I often use them to present. Not really enough to need to carry them around in my purse, or so one might think. So why is it, exactly, that I am carrying around a Just in Case Condom Case (other than it fundraises money for YouthAIDS with each purchase)?

Why? Because A) it can also fit little foil lube packs folded in half, which is brilliant, because really, doesn’t everyone need lube at some point?  B) While I don’t need condoms very often, other people do. I get asked if I have an extra condom running around almost as often as I get asked if I have an extra tampon or pad, which is fairly often. I have an epic reputation as being super prepared, and this, of all things, should definitely not be an exception. Always happy to help. And C) this particular condom case is different than most of the others I’ve seen/owned (and I’ve owned a few in my time). The reason is that it opens in two ways; one of the condom(s)/lube, and one for the mirror — it not only LOOKS like a compact like most condom cases; it actually IS one.

Now, it does come in other colors, like gold, but obviously I like the red better. It’s a sassier color, plus with the purchase of each Just in Case RED condom cases, they donate a percentage (not sure quite how much) to YouthAIDs, aiding in the fight against AIDS. Just by getting a condom case to keep you, your friends, your family and loved ones safe, you’re working against AIDS. How awesome is that?

It’s a little pricey, yes, but it’s fairly good quality, and condom cases tend to last a while. I still have the one I got when I was sixteen at my high school graduation. Get one, keep it, use it, pass it on, and enjoy!  Five stars (out of five). I really liked this concept, this case, and this whole line.

Click here to get your very own Just in Case Condom Case, and give back to the fight against AIDS.

-Essin’ Em

Another picture from my adventures in Pittsburgh. I love messing up the sheets on hotel beds, all the different layers of bedding that can get mussed up. Now, of course, it would have been far more fun to have Q there to help me mess them all up.

Growing up, I never had top sheets; my mother would take the top sheet and sew it to a plain color sheet, in order to make matching comforter covers. So to me, the most luxurious thing about traveling, whether at the Motel 6 or the Hilton was getting to have a top sheet to wiggle under, even it more heated weather. Top sheets were smooth and lovely, and a total luxury (just like the only time I got ginger ale was when flying to the East Coast to visit my grandpa).

Hotel sheets, I salute you. You make me feel sexy and pretty and fabulous.

HHNT to everyone!

-Essin’ Em

Looking at my history, pre F and pre Q, I’ve realized that for the most part, I don’t have one night stands very often; I have two-night stands. And you know what? I find that I like the two night stands much better than one nighters.

Why?

When you have a one night stand, you only get that night to figure out what your new (and very short term) partner would like, what they enjoy, how the two of you are sexually compatible. When you have a two night stand (two nights of sex fairly close together, although they don’t have to be back to back), you get to have a bit of a learning curve. The first night, you treat like a one night stand; you’ve just met, or perhaps you’ve known each other forever, but it’s your first time having sex. You get to learn a little bit about what this partner likes, what you like them to do to you, what each of your communication styles are, etc. Then, you return for a second night. This time, you know the basics. You know some of these things they like, and don’t like. You know what you can improve on from the last night you spent together. You get to communicate what YOU’D like more of, less off, harder, softer, in a different way.

Then it’s over, like a one night stand. Maybe you’re on vacation, or maybe it’s a two-night doozy with a long time friend that just wouldn’t work as a relationship, or maybe you’re not interested in a long term relationship. Whatever it is, you’ve gotten the thrill and excitement from the concept of having a one night stand, but it’s also likely that you have much better sexual interaction than if you’d just done it for one night.

I had a two night stand with the hot one I met at Dinah Shore…the one who helped me discover both my queerness and femme-ness. 48 hours of what was up until that point the best sex of my life.  We explored by body, I learned how to orgasm with a partner, I learned how much I liked queer sex (and that it was more than just oral and a finger rubbing a clit). By the second night, this person knew my body so well, and I was coming dozens and dozens of times, like I’d never come before. Their learning curve? Ridiculously short.

When I hooked up with C in Philly, the first night was a lot of communication, a lot of talking, and exploring each others’ bodies. While there was sex, it was almost secondary to the connections we were creating. Then, the second night, I fucked her for hours, my last night in Philly, plus lots of hot make out time. Second night, yet again, better than the first.

With K, we played twice before I left Philly; once at the Submit party in New York, and then one day where he had me wear nipple clamps to the art museum, and tried out canes and paddles on me in New Hope. It was fun and light hearted, and far less scary than the first time we played.

When M was in Denver the summer I moved back, we hooked up twice…once, it was everything but sexual activity. Making out and grinding and desire. The next night, hot sex and lots of orgasms, all night long. Two night stand? Definitely a winner.

Then there was L. While we went on a few dates, we only made out/had grope-age twice, and the second time, far more comfortable and easy and enjoyable than the first time.

So I am a fan, a proponent, a supporter of the two night stand, the double hook up, the back to back boogie. I’ve found that it worked incredibly well for me, and like my rules of my manifesto, the two night stand has definitely led to better sex.

-Essin’ Em

More queer hottness from the brilliant site by Courtney Trouble; NoFauxxx.com. 

Check out these hot stills from Madison Young and Syd Blakovich (aka Shawn on the Crash Pad Series). Meow! A fiesty femme and someone who knows how to take her, and really give her what she wants. Not only are these shots hot, and the facial expressions just out of this world, but the lighting in this scene is very different, a cross between a dingy hotel room and a spaceship.

They have lots of hot queer sex, and you can just feel the chemistry, the connection between them from these pictures. Definitely some nice and hot eye candy on a relaxed Tuesday.

Enjoy the porn and check out NoFauxxx for more queer hotness.

Hey all -

As you may know, Rori over at Between My Sheets always puts together (with help from independent judges) a list of the top 100 sex bloggers every year. I was #11 in 2008 and and #25 in 2009. I would love your support to continue to be on this top sex bloggers list.

If you read my blogger (long time reader, or relative newbie), I’d love it if you’d head over and nominate me. All you have to do is comment on this post, and make sure you use the correct URL (Essin-Em.com) You can nominate multiple bloggers as well. Need new blogs to read? Check out previous lists, or read my blogroll.

Please don’t feel obligated, but if you like what I have to say, I’d love your support in this. The rules regarding who you can nominate are below. And so off we go!

-Essin’ Em

Rules are:

To nominate bloggers for this list, just leave a comment on this post. You can also email me at rori@betweenmysheets.com or DM @SweetRori if you want to keep you nominations private. The rules are pretty simple:

1. No nominating yourself. Feel free to post about nominations on your blog to encourage readers to nominate you.

2. Each nomination should include the blog url. I don’t know everyone, and some bloggers have the same names.

3. No porn aggregation sites. Legit blogs only!

4. Blog content can be anything sex related -pictures/videos, erotica, sex ed/advice, opinion, poetry, personal journal. As long as the content is related to sexuality at least half of the time, it’s eligible. Nothing illegal, obviously. Straight, gay, bi, poly, D/s, vanilla, feminist, trans…everyone is welcome here!

5. The blog can’t be protected. It’s ok if a few of the posts are protected, but the entire blog can’t be behind a password that you have to request to read.

6.  The blog should be at least a year old, but anyone who’s been blogging since at least Jan. 1, 2010 will be considered. Special exceptions will be made for someone who has recently moved to a new blog, but was previously blogging somewhere else.

7. You can nominate as many bloggers as you like, but please try to limit to your very favorites.

8. The blog must be active, which means that the blogger posts at least once every week or so. When we judge in August, any blog with no posts during July or fewer than five posts since June 1 will be eliminated.

9. You can nominate bloggers who were on the list last year.

NEW FOR THIS YEAR: After listening to your comments, I’ve decided to go ahead and retire any blogger named in the top ten three years in a row. This will allow fresh faces to get on the list, keeping alive the spirit of the list’s original purpose – to help bloggers/readers connect and get to know one another. Every year, I’ll also list retires, so they’ll still be a part of the list as long as their blogs are active!

Nominations close on July 31. I recommend nominating your favorites right now so you don’t forget. You an also come back and leave an additional comment with more nominations if you think of someone else who deserves to be on the list.

If your comment doesn’t show up right away, please be patient. I have to moderate comments if you’ve never commented here before, and some comments need to be weeded out of the spam folder. Feel free to email me if you don’t see your comment posted within a week.