Advice: Making Sex with Partner Feel Good
I was a virgin until I was 21 (last year) and because I didn’t have a partner, I had fun by myself. I explored my body and what I liked, but never tried penetration, for reasons I don’t really even know. Anyways, after a long time of trying (seriously, it took a while!!), my (first) girlfriend managed to break my hymen and I started getting used to/liking one of her fingers inside of me – probably around last september. However, the orgasms that I was used to having from my clit were nowhere in sight. By now, I usually enjoy what she is doing to me a whole lot and am even able to enjoy more than just one finger (three at the most), BUT it never feels like I actually come. I can go for a really long time and I get to a point where it’s just too much, but I don’t feel like I orgasmed. I’ve tried getting myself off on my clit with her inside of me, but usually it doesn’t work because I can’t seem to come with her inside of me. When she pulls out, I do actually contract quite often, but I don’t really do that with her inside of me – is that possible or do I just not feel it? Often, I will feel like I have to squirt (I managed to get her to squirt a few times already :D !!), but no matter what I do (relax/push on it/…), I never do. When I try to push or when she fucks me really well, it literally hurts inside of me – I think my g-spot might be what is hurting!?! I don’t really understand why that would be happening or what that could mean, but it bugs me. She is really good in bed and she takes a lot of time and energy to pleasure me, but since I’m not able to fully, completley get off from it, I sometimes just say no to sex because I don’t want to be frustrated. When I have fun by myself, I always come. I have tried using our toy by myself (Lelo Gigi), but when I turn it to a setting that makes me feel like I could come it hurts too. I know that some women can’t come vaginally, do you think that’s what it is? I have tried to show her how to get me off with my clit, but I can only come with the right speed/pressure combination and even with good instructions she doesn’t get it quite right, because she doesn’t feel what I feel. D’uh! So I got tired of trying that, because it just made us both frustrated.
I don’t want to disappoint my girlfriend and make her feel not good enough, because due to other issues she already does. But sometimes I really prefer having fun by myself, because I know I will come. Any ideas/suggestions/possible solutions??
Anything would be greatly appreciated!! I’m out of ideas and no research on the internet has brought up anything useful yet.
Thank you so much!
-Needs Help
Hey N.H:
Thanks for writing.
First of all, you can always continue to get off by yourself, with clitoral stimulation, the way you like it. Just because you have a partner doesn’t mean that you can’t masturbate anymore. You can masturbate on your own, you can both masturbate lying in bed together side by side, you can have her play with your hair, neck, breasts, kiss you, etc while you masturbate. Plenty of ways to make that work.
Not everyone likes penetration, and some people like it, but very gently. Lots and lots of women of all orientations don’t get off from penetration. So there is nothing wrong with either your or your girlfriend — it’s just trying to figure out the puzzle pieces of what feels good to you, and then practicing. A lot :).
Perhaps have her put her hand over yours while you’re masturbating, so she can see exactly where you put it, for how long, etc. Then have her try, with your hand over hers, guiding her in direction and pressure. You’re creating sexual energy and pleasure together, and you’re getting the stimulation you need while she’s helping give it to you.
It sounds like you may have a sensitive cervix. I have one of those – touch it and I want to punch someone. Q, however, likes having her cerix touched. It’s different for each person. If you’d like, try penetration with toys on your own, but feel around for your cervix first and avoid it. See if that helps.
If you’re enjoying the sex between the two of you, why not use her enjoyable fucking of you as epic foreplay, and then have her watch you as you get off for her, your way at the end, so that everyone has fun and is satisfied.
Let me know if you try these and how they work for you. I wish you luck.
-Essin’ Em
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Great answer. I can relate a lot to the issues of being frustrated when my ex-gf couldn’t get me off clitorally … I think she was only ever able to do it with her hands once, ever. It used to bug me a lot, and I would get frustrated which would in turn make her frustrated and feel inadequate … bad cycle. Eventually I figured a few things out:
1) If I don’t get frustrated, she doesn’t feel inadequate.
2) It’s entirely possible to enjoy sex with each other without making each other come. What I mean is basically what you said — fuck, rub, lick, whatever — and then end by mutually masturbating. It takes the pressure off of each other.
3) Sex should be FUN. Not stressful. So when you feel yourself starting to feel frustrated, figure out what needs to happen for you to not feel frustrated, and do it. No questions asked!
4) Make a rule that you’re not allowed to blame either each other or yourselves for what is or isn’t happening! Just roll with it. Bodies are peculiar. :)
I found that once these things were applied in practice, it actually made it easier for me to come by her hands. Or tongue. And with my gf now, she actually DOES get me off internally. Bodies change, too. So it’s possible it’s not her skill but just my body changing.
Anyway… /long comment.
<3
Re: sensitive cervix – I’ve noticed that sometimes, I enjoy deep penetration that stimulates my cervix, but other times I don’t. I’ve only tracked it in passing, but it changes throughout my menstrual cycle. Sometimes I love it, and sometimes I want to punch people. So that might be something to explore as well
The spam filter didn’t like the length of my message, so I’m breaking it in two. Here’s part 1 of 2…
I was in a really similar situation with my girlfriend, since I remained unpartnered until I was twenty-seven and had a handful of years of really awesome orgasms via self-stimulation behind me when we finally began making out. I was really comfortable with my own body and how I liked my clit touched, what got me off.
And then for the first couple of months we were together I didn’t actually have an intense orgasm. I was kind of expected a period of adjustment, so it didn’t bother me so much, but my girlfriend was anxious about it because it made her feel inadequate as a lover. Which in turn made me feel really tense and worried with performance anxiety because I didn’t want to disappoint her. I don’t know if I have any magical solutions to offer, but here are a few thoughts based on my own experience.
1) I still don’t come with my partner inside me. I love, love, love the feeling of her inside me — but it’s a different feeling than the feeling I have when I’m about to come. I like to have her fuck me after lots of good kissing and licking and stroking and so forth. But then I need to ramp it down a little bit before I’m sensitive enough again (but not too sensitive at the same time) to orgasm. We incorporate both kinds of activities into our lovemaking.
okay, so the site isn’t letting me post the second half from this IP address (I’m guessing? there are no links or anything) … I’ll try the second bit when I get home tonight.
Part 2 from Anna;
2) I agree with what others have said about anxiety and guilt and stress probably not helping things. It certainly didn’t help me early on. And the same is true for your partner: It might not be possible, right now, for your girlfriend to really hear that you don’t think of her as inadequate because you don’t come with her inside you — but don’t stop saying it! Fool around without the aim of getting off — sex isn’t like a race with the fastest possible route to orgasm winning out over all other things. The slower the better (at least in my book). Maybe if you both stop trying so hard to figure out how your body works, your body will relax and be more forgiving. I know it took me a long time to feel unselfconscious enough to relax into an orgasm with someone else in the room. Maybe part of it is that?
3) Masturbation and mutual masturbation is tricky, at least in my experience, because of the inadequacy fears (which you say are a particular concern). Not that I’m saying don’t do it! I think it’s really important to keep alive a sexual relationship with yourself even while in a partnership, and I also think it’s a pretty damn spectacular experience watching someone else touch themselves and give themselves pleasure — and be involved in a way that doesn’t distract them from that, like kissing and fondling breasts and so forth. But masturbation carries so much cultural stigma and people are often really self-conscious about claiming that in the presence of someone else — and the partner can also, often, feel like they’ve somehow failed. So I think it’s important to keep talking about those fears of failure and discussing with a partner how you see the relationship between partnered sex and masturbation, so they don’t feel like you’ve given up on them (if you haven’t) and they don’t feel like solitary sex is just replacing them.
Best wishes and happy lovemaking!