Changing Wedding Plans
I’m going to be the maid of honor in my best friend’s wedding on July 10th, and I can’t wait to see her again. I need to figure out how to write the maid of honor toast (she thinks it is sexist that only the best man gets to make one, so I get to make one now too). I’ve never written a toast before (I’ve only been to three in my whole life; one I was a bridesmaid, one I was a guest, and one I was performing the ceremony). I don’t make a lot of a toasts. I need to do some research.
That said, it’s been really interesting watching how much wedding culture and wedding marketing has changed her plans. Spring of last year when she got engaged, she was so free and flexible with her plans; she told me she just wanted all the bridesmaid to wear dresses, and that I could wear combat boots if I so chose. Then, she wanted knee length black dresses, no combat boots, but told me I could dye my hair blue to match her wedding colors. Then, it was everyone would be wearing blue dresses, but maybe I could have a maid of honor dress in black, with just a blue ribbon on it. And then, it became a cornflower blue tea-length dress from David’s Bridal (a homophobic, transphobic company I would have MUCH preferred not to support). Moreover, I had to buy the dress end of March, given my size at the time. However, in May, I suddenly gained 20 pounds at random (having my thyroid checked out after I return from Colorado). The dress? No longer fits. So for the last week, and the next two, my diet has become luna bar in the morning, lean cuisine/smart ones for lunch, 11-14 raw almonds and an apple as a snack, and salads for dinner. I am constantly hungry and a bit cranky at all times. But losing 10-15 pounds so I can fit in this bloody cornflower blue dress from an unethical company so that I look perfect for my best friend’s wedding? That’s how it’s “Supposed” to work, given the wedding industry.
Not only that, but they started with a specific budget in mind. As they continued to plan more and more, the budget continued to increase more and more. I can’t but help point out that the current wedding budget is enough for a down payment on a a house (or close to it). And still, in the wedding industry, it’s considered a “low budget wedding.”
Q and I are looking at 5,000 for our budget (including alllll rentals, my dress, her tux, food, photos, music, flowers, ceremony, etc), and are having a hell of a time with people taking us seriously, telling me that you can’t plan a “real” wedding without at least ten grand. Ten grand? With that, we could spend a month in Europe, or get ready to save for our house, etc.
So as I look towards our wedding, I hope I can easily escape the pressures put on marrying people by society and the wedding industry. It helps that I don’t want a white dress, or a perfect wedding. However, I do want a fabulous celebration of our family and friends, with yummy food and fun music, and a cute/sexy red and black dress.
Wish me luck,
-Essin’ Em
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I realize that it was nearly ten years ago, but Ranger and I got married for right about $2500. We got one of my aunts (RIP) to do the photography since she had all the right equipment and had tons of experience photographing large groups, shopped the HELL out of flower shops (and also I did a little delivering for them ten days later for Vday to help pay), found a really out of the way converted Masonic temple instead of using a crazy expensive place, and hired a friend of a friend who was trying to build up his DJ business and was willing to do the music for less money and a very nice letter of recommendation/testimonial. As for food, we were pretty strange. No catering. Paper plates, several grocery store finger food platters (custom ones since they were our wedding present from friends who worked in produce), lots of homemade cookies and finger foods that we were able to prepare ahead of time from myself and lots of cooking-friendly friends and family. It was a very DIY friendly wedding. I am helping my own best friend plan her wedding now (in PHX) and if you’re interested, email me and I can let you know some of the money saving things we’re looking at specifically for springtime (March/April) in that area.
And… uh… sorry about the rambling.
We’ve found one hotel so far in budget that will do both the reception and the ceremony, with no site fee as long as we do food there (and then is more sustainable without the paper plates).
Thanks for the offer of help, but we’re planing on Denver, October 2011. Wish your best friend luck though! I went to a wedding show here, and they are sharks!
You may have already read this, but I can highly recommend Rebecca Mead’s One perfect day: the selling of the American wedding. It’s a scathing critique of the wedding industry and, toward the end, she talks more practically about how to resist. I’ve never been a big wedding person myself, but after reading her book more than ever I was determined to do a civil ceremony with my partner somewhere and then, like, have a nice dinner with family and a handful of close friends.
I have been trolling your blog for probably close to a year. I have to stop in to say I am SUPER addicted to offbeatbride.com (a recent obsession that is spiraling out of control and I’m not engaged), where they have a lot of ideas on DIY, nontraditional weddings. You should totally check it out.
pfft. don’t listen to them. there are TONS of DIY wedding sites and books out there. it’s totally possible.
about 3 years ago now my cousin had a lovely wedding for very little money. the ceremony itself was very small, about 20 of the closest family and friends. it was officiated by their best friend and the only bridal party was the officiator’s fiance, who served as ring bearer/bouquet holder/tissue distributor. the ceremony was in our grandparents beautiful garden and was followed by dinner, also in the garden. the groom, our grandmother, the bride’s mother, and myself did the cooking, and i did the place settings and was the backup photographer. after the ceremony and dinner, the bride and groom spent the night in a nice little B&B, then the next day, they spent all the money they could have wasted on a formal ceremony and catered reception and had a big outdoor party at a friend’s farmhouse. they rented one small tent for the potluck food to go under, bought 5 kegs of good local beer, and invited all their friends, family, and acquaintances to bring food, wine, or other party supplies to share in lieu of presents, and to bring their camping gear and stay the night. all in all, they had a great wedding that made space for both older, more conservative family, and their young hip friends. and i think they spent about $1000, not including the bride’s dress, which she had made custom (through etsy) for under $500. obviously you would need lots of support and help from family and friends like they had, but it is possible to have an amazing wedding for pretty cheap. and both parts, ceremony and party, were the most genuine, fun wedding i’ve ever been to.
sorry that was long winded!
Heylo!
Popping my head up to say that you might really love A Practical Wedding.
http://apracticalwedding.com
Rather than a DIY site, it’s a blog that grew to a community site that’s full of smart folks (mostly women) who want to talk about weddings. There are also a ton of posts about queer weddings. See recent:
http://apracticalwedding.com/2010/06/sex-marriage-a-bisexual-perspective/
Its totally doable! Our wedding was abt $5,000-6,000 with a guestlist of 55. We had some traditional aspects but everything was definitely in our own style. A lot of costs were covered by having our friends do jobs that served as a wedding present. It also helped finding a venue that did everything for us and wasn’t expensive.
a) wicked luck wishing.
b) Know that I am totally into helping DIY up your wedding, help cook things, etc etc. I’d assume that I’d be out in CO for a day or two prewedding, or at least that’s my plan.
Yeah, totally doable! And I have to say … I am a bit jealous about planning a wedding! The Type A Virgo in me is *dying* to plan my as-yet-undetermined wedding.
And I can totally relate to the best friend’s wedding that got more and more standard. ML’s sister is getting married at the end of August, and ML will be wearing a David’s Bridal bridesmaid dress too. I cringe at the mere thought of her extreme discomfort :( I really, really hate how the wedding industry makes even the loveliest people do horrid cookie-cutter things!