Sexuality Happens

Relationships are constantly and consistantly changing. Period. Anyone who thinks otherwise is deluding themselves.

When I say relationships, I mean everything from friendships to lovers, play partners to family, etc. Relationship means two (or more) people in relation to one another.

Think for a moment about your best friend from 1st grade. Do you still talk? Do you still have the same dynamic? What about your parent/guardian? Is your relationship the same now as it was last year, three years ago, five years ago? Or your last lover/hook-up/ex? How has that relationship changed since you are no longer together?

Relationship change, everyday. I don’t understand when people say things like “this is perfect– let’s never let our relationship change.” How is that possible? Even if both (or all) people didn’t want any change, change is inevitable. As other parts of our lives change, morph, grow, crash and burn, etc, this all has an effect on each and everyone of our relationships. Resisting change is futile; only when we can accept it and work with it can our relationships truly blossom and change.

Take my moose Evey. When we first met, her primary partner was essentially trying to convince me that she would be an ideal fisting partner. However, despite that move on his part, we wound up becoming more of play partners in the kink scene. At first, it was a bit more serious styled, and then we both discovered our love of silly, amusing scenes, and we went from there. At one point, we had sex (well, not according to formerly mentioned primary, but we did according to us), and decided that we didn’t think that’s where the relationship needed to go. We didn’t repeat that experiement.

Sometimes, she’s more a service moose, helping me get around, bringing me ice, planning things, bringing people to see me. Sometimes, she’s just a moose, and we talk in ridiculous accents and plan our scenes. Sometimes, she bottoms to me, letting me play tic tac toe on her arms, or beat her up while wearing a cape. Our relationship constantly changes, depending on where each of us are (physically, emotionally, mentally, and locale-wise).

Recently, our relationship changed again. We had some play time planned at Thunder, and in the middle of it, she realized that her submission to her primary, her Master, now made it very difficult, neigh on impossible for her to get into the right head space to bottom to or submit to other people. My moose decided that while she was still open to play with others, she planned to focus more on topping.

For a moment, I was sad. I now have a bunch of beautiful new custom canes, and no one to use them on (Q doesn’t like pain). I have no one to be a silly bottom to my ridiculous top. However, then as I sat for a moment, and really thought about, I saw that this is just one more change in our relationship, one more facet for us to figure out, one more branch of growth.

Without change, relationships can grow old, and stale, and wither. It is only with change, and embracing it, can we grown, both on our own, and in our relationships.

-Essin’ Em

I love vibrators. I love rechargable vibrators. Ergo, when I was given the offer from a certain sex toy store to review the Bsoft Rechargable Vibrator (in return for a review), I most definitely took them up on their offer.

Looks wise, it’s a pretty nice, aero-dynamic, streamlined toy. This is good. It’s also very light weight. Now, some people prefer their toys to be light weight, but I actually find it to be a bit unerving, and often times the sign of a not-so-good toy. I went in a bit of a sceptic, as all sex toy reviewers should (unless you’re buying an Njoy or a Lelo – no skeptism needed).

It’s an ok toy. Not bad, by any means. It’s made of a hard plastic, so it’s phthalate free/body friendly, and can be washed with antibacterial soap and warm water. However, note that it is not, in fact, sterilizable, and so should be a one vulva/one person toy. Because it’s plastic and not silicone, you can use either water based lube or silicone based lube with it, depending on your personal preference.

Charging was fairly easy, and I really do appreciate that they didn’t go totally overboard with the packaging. The box is small, just like the toy.

The problem was the toy itself. Well, I shouldn’t say problem. It’s a decent toy, especially for its price range. It’s hard to find a decent rechargable toy that is body friendly for under $70, and this one certainly is all of that. However, there just wasn’t much power or oomp behind it, and that’s a pretty important part of vibrators for me is something that can really provide power when needed, and be a lower level for Q as needed.

So as a beginner toy, yes, or one for someone that likes light stimulation, this is good. For anyone who has experience with vibes, it might come off a bit iffy or weak, and I’d suggest something with a little more power to it.

Want one of your own? Click here to get YOUR very own Bsoft Rechargable Vibrator!

-Essin’ Em

Another post-Thunder in the Mountains picture from my night as Super Queer, showing off both my rainbow-tastic socks (bought while checking out the pier in San Francisco with the lovely Margaret and her family) and amazing rainbow zebra print shoes (apparently, they are called Zebracorns, due to the rainbow zebra unicorn inside, and come in both flats, which I am wearing, and heels).  I was so glad that the socks fit over my giant swelled up legs, post SynVisc injections, and that they continue to make cute shoes in flats, as I’m not longer allowed to wear heels for many medical reasons.

I have thoughts on rainbows; I don’t quite get why some people are so obsessed with wearing them for the queer/LGBTQ movement, and why some people are so incredibly against them as a symbol of this same movement. I have my own thoughts on them, but for now, I wear them where I am Super Queer, the queerest super hero/moose topping machine of them all.

And with that, Happy HNT to you all!

-Essin’ Em

This post was published on this site last year. I’m reposting as it’s something still very important to me.

-Essin’ Em

The week or two ago, Sequoia wrote an interesting post about nudity and sexuality.  It got me thinking.

What is wrong with nudity? I mean, seriously. There are few things I love more in this world (Q, our cats, sex, reading a good book, etc) than hanging around naked. Whether it’s reading in bed nude, my body against the sheets, or standing out in the warm sun with not a stitch of clothes, and cuddling naked with Q on the couch, I absolutely LOVE being naked.

And yet, even though we’re born naked, it feels good to be naked, even though it’s just as healthy to be naked, society has a huge beef with it. 

Because obviously nudity = sex/pervert.  It’s apparently impossible to be naked without clearly wanting to have sex with anyone and everyone in your path.  Nude beaches are few and far between, as are nudist colonies, and people are shocked about those that attend these areas. Moreover, homophobia comes into play, because for some reason, people think that anyone who is gay and naked is now a pedophile.

Sequoia talked about how she sub-conciously likes to touch herself when she’s naked. I’m the same way…although I don’t even need to be completely naked to be doing that without thinking about. It’s not usually in a sexual sense — I have an itch, or am enjoying the breeze, or it just feels nice to have touch all over my body with nothing in the way.

Why is this so bad?  I hated my body, HATED it, until I started the tradition of my car being a topless car for everyone in it after 2am.  Let me tell you, this increased my body image SO much, seeing other people naked, getting to be naked, etc. Ditto goes for thee nude pictures we took and auctioned off  the three years I was in the Vagina Monologues in undergrad.

Nudity save my life. My horrible self-image of my body contributed to  some of my epic depression. It still does at times…I mean, I watch porn I’ve made, and question this roll, or that scar at times. Or I have days where I don’t fit into my favorite outfit the way I want. Granted, I love my body for the most part now, but I still, just like anyone else, have days I question my body and my body image.

But I KNOW how much worse it would be if I hadn’t learned to love being nude. Between theatre, and pictures, and porn, and kink, and living on my own where I can wander around my apartment (and Q’s place) completely naked, sleep naked, bake naked (and cook in an apron — hot oil is hot).

So why are we so against nudity. Other than the possibility of sunburns, or hot oil burns, why have we developed a hatred of nudity, and why have so many nudist developed this high level of homophobia.  We’re born without clothes, without significant sexual attractions (although fetuses and infants DO masturbate, P-fucking-S). When do we learn to be ashamed of our bodies, and to be horrified by different orientations, making assumtions about them? Why?

Original Post

We’re back again with more hot pictures of one of my favorite, super sexy and super smart queer porn stars, the lovely and oh-s0-talented Dylan Ryan. This week, she’s on the set of Device Bondage, getting all sorts of horrible and wonderful things done to her.

Click here to see more of Dylan Ryan taking pain and pleasure on DeviceBondage.com.

A Single Tail

I have tried a whole bunch of different fairly “traditional” kink stuff. I mean, the stuff you see being bandied about on an average dungeon play night. I’ve bottomed to almost everything you see on a regular basis, and learned to top on most of these things too. I’m talking rope play, bondage, fire play, violet wand play, flogging, TENS unit e-stim, spanking, punching, caning, piercing/needle play, service, fisting, orgasm control, humiliation play, paddling, rope suspension (haven’t topped with this), etc. 

One of the few things that I see on a fairly regular basis, that I have never ever tried, is a single tail. They scare the hell out of me. I mean, you spank someone wrong, and they’re going to have trouble sitting for a week (and some sore ligaments).  You humiliate someone in a way they don’t like, and you probably never play again (and they made need therapy).  But you fuck up with a single tail? You can literally flay someone in half and kill them.  And there are a lot of people in the kink scene who say they know what they’re doing, and don’t; that is how many many many accidents of all types of play happen.

For a while, my moose was dating someone who was actually pretty good with single tail, whipping in general. He had a lot of them, he’d gone through training by many people (including members of my kink family), and lots of people I trusted also trusted him. I told him more than once that if I ever decided to try out a single tail, he’d be the one I’d let do it to me.  And then he did somethings during his relationship with Evey that I didn’t find particularly trust worthy, or ethical, and decided that I was never going to let him touch me with his whips.  This was an activity where I needed a lot of trust, and I just didn’t have it in him.

So I’d put single tails out of my mind for a good, long time. I decided I wasn’t anti-single tails, just anti single tails for *me.*

And then, at Thunder in the Mountains, I watched an amazing single tail scene. It wasn’t about pain, or leaving bloody marks; no no. It was almost a dance. This woman, who I’d never seen before, and probably might not have noticed in any other context, was dancing, almost in an entrancing manner, as her partner single tailed her. She stared him in the eyes as she walked towards him, making him back up. Then she swayed into the hits, almost rhythmically taking them. She danced as he hit her, and she made him dance as he lashed out against her. While not particularly attracted to either member of this couple, nor to the type of play at hand, I thought it was one of the most beautiful scenes I’d ever watched, almost a dance rather than a scene.

Does this mean I’m ready for someone to bust my single tail virginity? Not yet, no. But it certainly put it in a whole new perspective for me.

-Essin’ Em

When I got into Phoenix after my trip to Denver, I could not walk on my own accord, and had to rock the airport wheelchair not only to the baggage claim, but even to my car. When I woke up on Sunday morning at the hotel, my left knee was literally the size of a melon; a cantaloupe to be more specific. I couldn’t bend it.

Luckily, at Thunder was a friend who happened to be a nurse. I bought some vet wrap for a non-kinky purpose; I used it for compression. When I got “home” to Phoenix, we had a quick bit to eat, and then headed to a local ER. The one my friend recommended was more than 35 minutes away, so we chose one in a hoity-toity area near us, assuming that because the area was rick, they’d be able to hired decent staff.

Boy, was I wrong.  Not only did they not have anyone on staff to help me with a wheel chair, but once I waited the few requisite hours to make it to triage, the nurse there not only had no idea what synvisc (my injections) were, but couldn’t seem to figure out how to put my sulfa drug allergy in my chart. Sulfa drug allergies are incredibly common, yet she had no clue, and finally gave up, just writing it on my allergy bracelet. It got worse from there. 

We were put in a room with no pillows (forget my neck — I wanted to elevate my leg), no ice pack, and no way to press a button or get ahold of a nurse. Once the nurse finally came in, he rattled off a list of things it could be, and possible solutions. Not so with the doctor — he gave me more percocet (despite the fact that I told him I already was ON narcotics to handle the pain), and said that if I didn’t have a blood clot (which I didn’t), then it wasn’t an emergency, and it didn’t matter. No offer to drain my knee, or deal with the fact my foot was as large as my calf.  In fact, when I pointed out I thought my allergic reaction to the red in my tattoo might be infected, he told me “no, that’s just the ink spreading out.” I had circles of reddish-purple irritation ONLY around the red leaves, yet his brilliant answer was that the ink was spreading out. Right.

Finally, after the ultra sounds (negative for blood clots), and waiting for another 3 hours with no nurse checking on me (no one ever asked me my pain level — every ER I’ve been to has always asked CONSTANTLY where I’d am with pain), and Q having to ask not once, not twice, but three times just to get a pillow for my knee, I was sent home. I asked the doctor if he’d be willing to drain my knee, or put some sort of anti inflammatory in it, but he looked me in the eye and told me it wouldn’t help. He told me doctor’s don’t like to touch other doctor’s patients. I pointed out my doctor wasn’t in state, so he told me to find a surgeon here, but I’d have a hard time.  I explained back to him what he just said, and asked him to drain my knee, PLEASE. I reminded him that it took forever to get into an ortho as a new patient. He told me later on that he talked to an ortho in the ER, and he had promised to get me in his office in the next few days, and that he was “obligated” by the referral to see me.

I found out the next day when I called that he was under absolutely no obligation to see me, at any point, and that his next “new patient” appointment was more than two weeks away, and that ER doctors (at this ER) lie to their patients about this all the time.

I caused a stink. I explained that this wasn’t just random knee pain, but that I couldn’t even bend my knee enough to sit down on the toilet, that I couldn’t function at all. I called my ortho in Denver; mooses bless him. He was in surgery, but his PA called me back right away, and he texted her from outside the OR with his suggestions (draining/aspirating the knee, and injecting it with cortisone to alliviate the swelling). The PA had the ortho tech call SynVisc to see if this was a common reaction, and they called me back to let me know it was unusual (especially in one knee) but not unheard of. And finally, I snuck in on Tuesday to the Ortho in AZ.

What did he do? He looked at it for about 15 seconds, told me the only thing for immediate relief was to drain it right away, and inject it with cortisone. Surprise. When he drained it, he literally drained almost a full cup of fluid from it.  You know those cups you have to pee in? Full of fluid of grossness from my knee.

Suddenly, I could actually bend my knee. It still hurt, and I still needed the cane, but I could actually put a slight amount of pressure on it without it giving out on me. 

I was so angry at that ER doctor. And then I found out that I knew someone who’d gone to the same ER; he had a blood clot, and they sent him home because it was a “small one.” Two days later, he had an embolism in his lungs. So I guess that not having a cup of fluid drained from my leg isn’t that big of a deal, because it couldn’t have killed me.

But this whole experience made me question how Q viewed me, whether she’d given up, whether she’d finally realized how difficult it was going to be living and dealing with someone like me.  But that’s a whole new post.

-Essin’ Em

First, we have Drew Devereaux and Buck Angel talking about important health care exams for people who identify as trans.

And this one is 100% Buck Angel and his awesome-sauce-ness about trans guys, and their health care.

Thank you to both of these fabulous performers for bringing attention to such an important sexuality issue. Way to go you two – thanks so much for talking about trans men with cervixes, and trans women with prostates, and all sorts of other differences that might keep people out of the doctor’s offices, when they really need check ups just as much as anyone else.

If you have good suggestions for resource lists for doctors who are LGB and especially T and Q friendly, please feel free to share!

-Essin’ Em

This toy is quite new and quite different than your average version 2.0 double dildo (think the Share by Fun Factory, or the Feeldoe by Tantus). Why? Because it has adjustable angles, using a little silicone piece to change things up.

Like the other toys in this overarching category, it’s 100% silicone, meaning you can clean it with soap and water, or sterilize it with a 10% bleach solution, dishwashing it (top shelf, no soap), or boiling it 3-5 minutes. However, litter crevices make it a bit harder to clean than some of its counter parts. Only use water based lube please!

For the most part, I was pretty impressed with the Mantric Sysil Double-Dildo like toy, and even made you a shiny video review for you to learn a little more about it, see it in action, etc. Check it out:

Thanks again to Matt and Fascinations for the video action and toy-ness.

Click here to get your own Sysil Mantric and begin the angling action!

-Essin’ Em

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday to everyone!

Here is a picture right before my scene at Thunder with my Moose Evey, where I went as SUPER QUEER. I duct taped Evey to the table, and tease and beat her with the G-pop (it’s designed for G-spot play, but is also great for boobs/ass beating, and clit teasing). My cape really made the outfit, but without the rocking eye make up (me) and the superb glitter (Evey), it just wouldn’t have come together properly.

Plus, I love my actual eyes in this picture. Not just the make up, not just the sparkles, but the eyes themselves. I love love love it!

HNT to all of you all!

-Essin’ Em