Needing “Trans 101″
The other day, I tried to join a group on FetLife. In their “about us” section, they ask that all cisgender people email a moderator (despite this being Queer AND Trans group) before adding the group. I don’t really identify as cis, since femme is my gender, and that breaks the binary, but I didn’t want anyone feeling that I was breaking the rules, as I visibly appear to be cis, so I messaged a moderator, little did I know what I was getting myself into.
I got a message back telling me that I was not “ready” for this group, as clearly I needed “Trans 101.” Why? Because I was sick of men messaging me with cock pictures asking if I wanted to play, so I directed all “bio/cis men” to my pro-domme site, telling them I didn’t have sex outside of my relationship with Q (and porn), and that if they wanted me to beat them up, I’d be happy to oblige. For money.
I purposely used the term bio in this context because most of the people messaging me on FetLife that fell into the cock-picture/play with me group would not understand the term cis or cisgender. I reached out to them where they were at. Apparently, this means I need Trans 101.
Their other complaint? I didn’t write enough about femme being my gender on my profile for it to be true. Clearly, I was just making that up. Because it’s not like I don’t write enough here and on the Femme’s Guide about Femme being a gender, and an identity, and so much more than just the feminine side of the spectrum. I ALSO needed to put it on a social network profile page for it to be true (please note, I don’t write about it on Facebook either. Why? Because I’d rather write about why I’m there, promote my blogs, and then have people come read my thoughts on gender in a blog format, rather than a note on Facebook or FetLife).
What I don’t think this person realized as they spat out hateful words towards me was exactly how much they’d hurt. I don’t identify as trans, no. I also don’t think anyone (trans or otherwise) can master gender. Why? Gender is ever constant, ever evolving. Anyone who said they know everything there is about gender is a liar, because by the time they say that, something else will have changed as people create and develop their own identities.
But for them to tell me I needed Trans 101? Ouch. I like to think I have a fairly good grasp on trans and gender queer ettiquite, having had trans partners (and currently engaged to a person who identifies as gender queer), and having many friends of ALL different identities. I have personally chatted with Kate Bornstein as I drove her around Phoenix. I have shot for Point of Contact making sure people of all genders (including someone who identifies as a T-girl) were represented. I start the majority of my classes/workshops talking about how not everyone with a vagina is a woman, and not every woman has a vagina, etc. In smaller workshops, I ask everyone their pronoun preference before they begin. I’m teaching a workshop for TRANSform Arizona this fall on Safer Sex for Transfolk and Their Lovers (named as such by the trans organizers of this conference). I was always pointing out the difference between sex and gender, and the need to not make assumptions throughout my grad school program. I read gender theory on a regular basis. I try to change cisgender centric policies wherever I go, including aruging with local coffee shops and restaurants about creating gender neutral bathrooms.
I try to be as much of an ally as I can to ALL members of the queer community – this includes speaking out against biph0bia, validating those who are lesbian or gay identified (rather than queer identified), using my visible feminitity to educate those who might not listen to someone who presents differently, working to change policies/laws/rules to be more gender friendly, etc. For someone to tell me I need to take “Trans 101″ cut me pretty deep.
Should it matter? No. I have plenty of friends of all genders and orientations, and they were quick to tell me when this happened how much they appreciated me. However, after all my work in trying to support the T part of the queer community, and to educate myself and others, and to just be there to listen, it fucking hurts to have someone say that to me. I’m a member of the queer community too, and have just gotten a slap in the face. I, as a Femme, am apparently not queer enough to belong, unless I rub my Femme gender in everyone’s face (rather than just on here and the Femme’s guide).
And to that, I say fuck you. How dare you police my identity? How dare you tell me I’m not good enough? How dare you create a hierarchy of oppression within our minority community? You are doing us all a disservice.
-Essin’ Em
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Way to alienate, berate, shame and marginalize someone who clearly does not deserve such treatment.
For many, many reasons, I will refrain from further commentary except to say, you have my empathy. I’m so sorry you were so poorly treated, and thank you for sharing this so openly.
Love
Mollena
First of all, on a complete sidenote: I am so jealous that you have chatted with Kate Bornstein.
Secondly, and mostly, WTF?! Since I found your blog I have consistantly found you to be insightful, helpful, and incredibly respectful with regards to gender, especially the trans community(ies). Part of me hopes the moderator was more incompetent than anything, not looking into your blog and other things, but that is still no excuse to go policing other people. That is the reason why I have so often left queer communities, because my friends, my allies, and the people I respect most tend to get policed and otherwise treated poorly because of some “not *something* enough” hierarchy.
Just wanted to mostly say that you are awesome, and as a member of the trans community who doesn’t know you personally, you rock.
I’ve actually seen this sort of thing before, particularly on fetlife. I’ve actually come across one person who seems to think that *they* are the entire voice of the trans community, and the authority on who can say what and which terms are offensive or not.
One that jumped out at me, actually, was in your post. T-girl. According to this person, we’re not supposed to say that. But I have met, and had a good friend who dated, many people who self identified as T-girls. It seems silly to say others can’t use this term, and limit someone else’s self identification.
Whatever. Fuck ‘em. You know you know. Your friends know. <3
you’re right, it’s bullshit that they were so unreasonable and i’d be livid too if someone told me there was not enough evidence of my femme identity for it to be believed. way to further femme invisibility, fools.
all that being said though, i’d avoid the laundry list of “look at everything i do to be gender inclusive.” it reads a lot like, “i have black friends!!!” to me and that’s not your intention, i don’t think. your readers know you’re queer, femme, and hyper-inclusive. the checklist just seems an unnecessary reminder. we get it.
That very reason is why I am a member of so few FL groups outside of ones I use to keep track of local events only. FetLife – along with many other sites, I’m sure – is so absolutely riddled with complete fuckwits that it’s really quite mindboggling. It is full of people who think their way of thinking or doing is The One True Way, and full of people who create groups not to support the people who fall within the group parameters, but to keep out and spit poison at the people they deem unworthy. It is the biggest load of absolute bullshit that I have ever seen.
Anyone who tries to tell anybody else that they’re not “enough” of WHATEVER – not queer enough, not femme enough, not gay enough, not skinny enough, not fat enough, not “friendly” enough – is 100% full of shit. No one appointed them the universal keeper of the rulebook, and whatever rules they have concocted in their own batshit crazy head are a complete farce. Clearly so, since you are one of the most trans-friendly people I’ve ever met – a fact that would be readily backed up by my *gasp* TRANS former partner – and one of the first visual examples that pops into my head when I think of the word “femme.” Oh, but I must not be “ready” either since I just referred to him as trans and not just as male…
Also clear to me: those people are not worth your time, not even in the slightest. They are worth no one’s time but their own, so that they may fester in the oozing pustule of their own hatred until they are smothered into oblivion by the powerful medicine of people whose lives revolve around acceptance and openmindedness.
…Whew, that was quite the soap box I just got up on. Apparently this subject riles me up just a bit. *blink* *blink*
TL;DR version: They’re full of shit! The rest of us know who you really are and love you for it. :)
Good for you for standing up to that elitist bullshit. People who react against feeling marginalised by trying to turn their identity into a specialised club need to be kicked into touch for all our sakes!
Jx
Having formerly been a mod of an active trans group on fetlife, i would say that your having “bio men” in your profile is enough of a red flag for me to question why you need access to the group. like it or not that language is transphobic, and it seems to express you don’t think trans men are capable of the sexism that entitles a man to send to someone he perceives to be receptive pictures of his junk. if you just don’t want pictures of dude junk, just say that. cis men will read “men” without qualifiers as pertaining to them only, but if they do so the cissexism inherent in that is on them. if you put “bio men” you are perpetuating that cissexism.