Sexuality Happens

The other day, I tried to join a group on FetLife. In their “about us” section, they ask that all cisgender people email a moderator (despite this being Queer AND Trans group) before adding the group.  I don’t really identify as cis, since femme is my gender, and that breaks the binary, but I didn’t want anyone feeling that I was breaking the rules, as I visibly appear to be cis, so I messaged a moderator, little did I know what I was getting myself into.

I got a message back telling me that I was not “ready” for this group, as clearly I needed “Trans 101.” Why? Because I was sick of men messaging me with cock pictures asking if I wanted to play, so I directed all “bio/cis men” to my pro-domme site, telling them I didn’t have sex outside of my relationship with Q (and porn), and that if they wanted me to beat them up, I’d be happy to oblige. For money.

I purposely used the term bio in this context because most of the people messaging me on FetLife that fell into the cock-picture/play with me group would not understand the term cis or cisgender. I reached out to them where they were at. Apparently, this means I need Trans 101.

Their other complaint? I didn’t write enough about femme being my gender on my profile for it to be true. Clearly, I was just making that up. Because it’s not like I don’t write enough here and on the Femme’s Guide about Femme being a gender, and an identity, and so much more than just the feminine side of the spectrum. I ALSO needed to put it on a social network profile page for it to be true (please note, I don’t write about it on Facebook either. Why? Because I’d rather write about why I’m there, promote my blogs, and then have people come read my thoughts on gender in a blog format, rather than a note on Facebook or FetLife).

What I don’t think this person realized as they spat out hateful words towards me was exactly how much they’d hurt. I don’t identify as trans, no. I also don’t think anyone (trans or otherwise) can master gender. Why? Gender is ever constant, ever evolving. Anyone who said they know everything there is about gender is a liar, because by the time they say that, something else will have changed as people create and develop their own identities.

But for them to tell me I needed Trans 101?  Ouch. I like to think I have a fairly good grasp on trans and gender queer ettiquite, having had trans partners (and currently engaged to a person who identifies as gender queer), and having many friends of ALL different identities. I have personally chatted with Kate Bornstein as I drove her around Phoenix. I have shot for Point of Contact making sure people of all genders (including someone who identifies as a T-girl) were represented. I start the majority of my classes/workshops talking about how not everyone with a vagina is a woman, and not every woman has a vagina, etc. In smaller workshops, I ask everyone their pronoun preference before they begin. I’m teaching a workshop for TRANSform Arizona this fall on Safer Sex for Transfolk and Their Lovers (named as such by the trans organizers of this conference). I was always pointing out the difference between sex and gender, and the need to not make assumptions throughout my grad school program. I read gender theory on a regular basis. I try to change cisgender centric policies wherever I go, including aruging with local coffee shops and restaurants about creating gender neutral bathrooms.

I try to be as much of an ally as I can to ALL members of the queer community – this includes speaking out against biph0bia, validating those who are lesbian or gay identified (rather than queer identified), using my visible feminitity to educate those who might not listen to someone who presents differently, working to change policies/laws/rules to be more gender friendly, etc. For someone to tell me I need to take “Trans 101″ cut me pretty deep.

Should it matter? No. I have plenty of friends of all genders and orientations, and they were quick to tell me when this happened how much they appreciated me. However, after all my work in trying to support the T part of the queer community, and to educate myself and others, and to just be there to listen, it fucking hurts to have someone say that to me. I’m a member of the queer community too, and have just gotten a slap in the face. I, as a Femme, am apparently not queer enough to belong, unless I rub my Femme gender in everyone’s face (rather than just on here and the Femme’s guide).

And to that, I say fuck you. How dare you police my identity? How dare you tell me I’m not good enough? How dare you create a hierarchy of oppression within our minority community? You are doing us all a disservice. 

-Essin’ Em

Today is her wedding day.

For all the craziness about the wedding, the over blown budget, the (in my mind) ridiculous “corn flower blue” dresses from a store a despise (David’s Bridal), the not being able to plan/attend the bachelorette party (because I’m not living in Denver), the stressed out nights, and all of that;

Congrats to you, my friend. I wish you every happiness in the world (and always have), and now extend that to your new spouse. You and I will not always agree on everything, but today, what you say goes. I hope this day was everything that you wanted it to be, but that it was not, and will not be the best day of your life (if so, you’re marrying the wrong person). I wish you many many many years together, of triumphs and tribulations, of the occasional fight and the amazing make up sex. I wish you everything you want and everything you need, and somethings you don’t ever know you need or want yet.

I wish you a fabulous honeymoon. I wish you an easy time getting that epic dress off. I hope you two continue to build your lives together in the way that is what you want. I wish you as few fights as possible, and as much love as you can get.

Mazel tov, my dear friend, and my love to you always.

I’m so excited to finally get to try the Fun Factory Tiger Dildo, thanks to Fun Factory themselves (thanks y’all!).

As many of you know, I have a lot of sex toys. Like a lot. And while of course I have my favorites, it’s always a challenge trying to find a vibrator for me that will top the Hitachi Magic Wand for external, and the Gigi for internal (although I’m psyched to try out the G-Ki). Q, now, hates the Hitachi, but loves the Onye and the Ina, so we’re pretty set on vibrators (although we’re always trying new ones; who knows which new vibe may turn out to be the holy grail?!).  Ergo, we’re always on the look out for new and fun dildos, and the Tiger was certainly no exception.

I love black and red sex toys, and had a hard decision, as the Tiger comes in BOTH black and red options.  After some thought, I decided to go with black, because it matches everything, and is just super sexy.  Like all Fun Factory toys, it’s 100% body safe, phthalate free, and happens to be made out of 100% medical grade silicone. This means that in addition to washing it with soap and warm water, you can sterilize it as needed (for sharing, going ass to vulva, etc) by boiling it 3-5 minutes, wiping it down with a 10% bleach solution, or running on the top rack of the dishwasher with no soap.  Keep in mind that because it’s made of silicone, you can only use water based lube with it; I recommend Maximus or Eros Aqua (sometimes marketed as Pjur Aqua).

And now down to the toy itself. It’s a pretty toy; almost a work of art. I say almost, because when I looked at it, I was more focused on who it was going to go into first, as compared to where I should place it to look nice. I particularly wanted the Tiger because of its stripes, and it was time to put it to the test…

We love it. Period. Both of us. Usually, one of us likes a toy, and the other, while they enjoy using it on/with the liker, is more ambivalent. Not in this case. Both of us LOVED the Fun Factory Tiger. I venture to say it may be one of the best dildos we own…and we own a lot. It looks sexy, but the ridges? Out of this world. Just amazing.

Now, you definitely need to warm yourself/your partner up. I went it to quick with Q, and even with lube, the sheer size of this Tiger (and it’s pretty big, in both length and girth, although it doens’t appear to be so thick) hurt a little. However, after a longer warm up, this Tiger first made her growl, and then brought forth jungle like sounds from me. It’s bloody awesome!

It’s really long, which is excellent for use in a harness, but if you’re fucking your self or someone else holding it in your hand, realize that you might not need the *entire* length, as it can get uncomfy. However, I’d rather have more and not use it, than not enough and be wanting more.

I cannot speak highly enough of this Tiger dildo. Both of us give it 5 stars up, and it has earned a place in our night stand!

-Essin’ Em

Click here to try out the Tiger Dildo, by Fun Factory.

I love having plants around me. Almost as much as I love being in water, or lighting people on fire (apparently, I’m not sure which element I’m supposed to be; I like them all so much). A local flower shop near-by has cut flowers half price every Friday, so I like to stop by there and pick up some blooms to decorate the house, add a little color, and make it look nicer in our place.

But even better than cut flowers are live plants. We can’t have many, as with the cats, the best case scenario means they get knocked over, where as the worse case scenario means that the cats will nosh on them until they are nothing but stubs.  However, bamboo seems to be safe, and so I take very good care of it, as it grows and grows and is just such a beautiful shade of green. It adds color to our desert apartment, as well as providing O2 back into the air. Sometimes, it grows so nicely that my hand gets lots in the foliage…

Happy HNT!

Essin’ Em

I leave tonight, heading to Denver, Colorado for a good week and a half. trainings

It’s a busy week; I have a bridesmaid lunch, an orthopedic surgeon’s appointment, a wedding rehearsal dinner, my best friend’s wedding, fondue with Q and my mother, getting a new tattoo on my calf (and Q is getting a new one on her forearm), having dinner and lunches with lots of friends, speaking at the LGBT Center’s Womyn’s circle, holding two employee for Fascinations, teaching a class at SKALES,  visiting all 5 Denver area stores, holding a free workshop on full spectrum sexuality at the Arvada store on Thursday night, meeting with an event director at a hotel to talk about possible wedding plans, and then, a whole weekend at Thunder in the Mountains before heading back to the heat of Arizona.

Looking forward to being home for so long, because Denver still remains home to me in my heart, and Q’s as well. We’ve both been feeling pretty home sick lately. I’ll miss our kitties of course; that’s always the hardest part.

I’ll have internet on and off, but if I’m slow in replying to comments, emails, tweets, etc, please excuse my delay. And if you’re local in Denver, I’d love to see you at one of my classes/workshops/seminars, really!

-Essin’ Em

Back this week with another delicious set from NoFauxxx, with one of our favorite queer kinksters, Lorelei Lee. Usually, we see photos from her on Kink.com websites, like Water Bondage and Men In Pain, but this week, we’ve got a great gallery of her from NoFauxx.com.

Now, we know Lorelei can be a sexy vixen, but did you also know that she is one smart cookies? Check out her awesome collection of feminist and queer theory books, and sexuality books, as she strips and then gets herself out in a pile of sexy and smart literature. I like my ladies with a good head on their shoulders, and she is certainly not exception, in  addition to being one of the hottest and sexiest queer porn stars out there.

Like what you see? Join NoFauxxx.com for the whole set, plus way more!

***Cross Posted on ShannaKatz.com***

Thanks to Q, I had the opportunity last Wednesday night to go check out the new movie with Annette Benning, Julianne Moore and Mark Ruffalo, entitled The Kids Are Alright.

Now, the basic plot, as advertised, is that there is a lesbian couple, who have an 18 year old daughter and a 15 year old son. The son convinces the daughter to get in contact with the sperm donor that provided said sperm to create the kids (each mom carried a child). They meet him, and now the family dynamic changes, and the movie ensues.

Voila. It’s supposed to be cool and trendy and did super well at Sundance. I had some hopes for this movie, in that it was showing an LGBTQ family as a REAL family, not as hot and sexy lesbians, or those with issues coming out, or any of the other many ways lesbians have been portayed. They have kids, they have a dining room table, and a house, and conversations and the same issues that every other type of family has with communication, and teenagers, and so on…

And now, for the spoilers. If you don’t want to hear about the actual movie, stop reading now.

Ok, so basically, you have fairly happy family. Some issues, like all families, but there are two teenagers, and two moms, and everyone seems to communicate fairly well and get along, although the moms definitely could have used a couples counselor to help them work through a feel control/free-flowing hippy issues.

Then suddenly, the sperm donor (Paul) is brought into their lives. Jules (Moore) is a more woo-woo, free flowing femme-ish type, and is open to him. Nic (Benning) is a bit more andro/butchy, and seems to be nervous (understandably) about letting this guy into their kids’ lives. Long story short, Nic starts doing Paul’s (Ruffalo) landscaping and BAM. They kiss. And if that wasn’t enough, they start having sex, and the noises she makes with him are waaaay different and seemingly “better” or “more satisfying” (according to the movie) than the sex she has with Nic.  She tells him she’s married, she’s gay, she loves Nic, but then, more sex between Paul and Jules.  Jules keeps it a secret from Nic until they have a family dinner at Paul’s place (Nic is willing and trying to get to know him better), and Nic goes to the bathroom and finds Jules hairbrush…and hair in the drain (like at their home), and then in his bed. The movie ends with them removing Paul from their lives and getting back together and talking about how marriage is tough, but they love each other and will work through it.

My beef? It’s two fold. First of all, this movie perpetuated lesbian stereotype right and left, from the drinking massive amounts of wine to the butch/femme to the station wagon of sorts to the watching gay-male porn, to the being woo-woo and wanting hugs in unison (you’ll have to see it to get it). It made a big deal out of Jules not shaving her legs (gasp!). And worst of all, it perpetuated the stereotype that lesbian relationships don’t work out not because of family/relationship/communication/wants and needs issues, but because truly, all every woman, lesbian or not, wants is OBVIOUSLY a man. Every woman must have a penis in order to feel fulfilled. It also perpetuates the idea that lesbian (or gay or queer) relationships are not as “real” as straight marriage; Paul seems to glaze over the fact that Jules is married to Nic, and even suggests that he and Jules start a life and family together at one point, as if her 18+ year marriage to Nic was completely invalid. Way to give the anti-gay movement fuel for their fire about how dysfunctional lesbian families are.

Issue two? The fact that I feel that this movie is going to stir up even MORE biphobia in the queer community. For some reason, we as a community tend to exclude bi folks as being queer, as if them having a relationship with a cis-man (bi women) or cis-woman (men) makes them “less” queer. Now, while Jules never openly identified as bi, her sexuality was clearly a bit more fluid that just “lesbian/gay,” as she openly enjoyed sex with Paul. So basically, we have a queer or bi acting woman on screen, cheating on her lesbian wife with a man. Which seems to be the issue that is ALWAYS brought up when biphobia rears its ugly head; don’t date bi-women, because they’ll leave you for a man.

Now, I know that this generalizing statement is bullshit. As if dating a lesbian-identified woman will somehow protect you from cheating/being cheated on. Infidelity hits ALL types of relationships, regardless of the gender or orientation of the partners. Period. However, movies like this seem to reinforce this misnomer, that bi-women of any sort will always end up going for a man. NOT FUCKING TRUE.

So in the end, I AM glad that their is a movie bringing lesbian visibility to the big screen, as I think this movie will be a hit. I did like that it was a lesbian family, with gender presentation diversity in the two women. However, I have a LOT of reservations about how the content of this movie will be used against the LGBTQ community by those who are against it, as well as the issues surrounding bisexuality that this movie may serve to worsen.

And those, dear readers, are my thoughts on the upcoming movie The Kids Are Alright, to be released July 16th at an Indie theatre near you.

-Essin’ Em

Photo by Michael Barone

Happy 4th of July. Happy “Independence Day.”

Enjoy your BBQs, your cold beers.

Remember for a moment all of our friends and family serving our country, fighting to uphold wars that should never have happened, and to help create independence for those who do not yet have it.

Remember for a moment those in this country who are not independent, whose freedom and rights are not equal.

Those who can not marry. Those who cannot adopt. Those who cannot visit their loved ones in the hospital. Those who do not have insurance. Those who live in tent cities. Those who don’t know when their next meal is.

I am not saying don’t celebrate. I’m not saying to not be patriotic.

But please think. Think about what you ARE celebrating. Think about our country’s bloody history. Think about who and what we’re fighting for, and what we aren’t fighting for.

Be careful. Please choose not to drink and drive (or drink and boat). If you’re lighting fireworks, don’t blow yourself up (and if you live in a place where they’re illegal, please don’t light them and cause fires, kthnxby).

Celebrate.

But also pause and think about what this celebration means.

Happy Fourth of July!

-Essin’ Em

As a side note, every thing at Fascinations and FunLove.com is 25% off today; toys, lubes, books, DVDs, massage oils, condoms, etc.  Just saying…

Fascinations 4th of July Sale

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Event Dates: July 30th through August 1, 2010.
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Cost: $450 first person in the order, $400 for each additional individual.
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Join Marketplace series author Laura Antoniou and internationally acclaimed educator Midori for a special weekend intensive designed for real people who enjoy power dynamics and want bring a level of authenticity and quality to their relationships.

Students will learn about the many styles of relationships we enjoy, and, through guided lessons and exercises, will discover their own unique relationship needs and systems. The instructors work closely with each student to help them learn and explore, and there is plenty of time throughout the weekend for personal reflection as well as pure fun!

There are no requirements for experience or expertise; anyone who desires or engages in relationships in which dominance and submission or the expression of power exchange is welcome. Full engagement and participation in the workshop is required; communication and a willingness to fully explore the work is of vital importance. This weekend is excellent for those already involved in such relationships or households of 2 or more people; it’s also ideal for the individual who wishes to gain a clearer concept of their own needs and desires on a solo basis.

My sexy pose

Sorry I didn’t get a review up today — promise I’ll have one next week. For now, enjoy the cuteness of this pussy’s sexy post!