Sexuality Happens

This is part of my 30 Days of Letters blog endeavor. Today marks the 8th day (for those new, I’m not doing them all back to back, but rather scattering them, in order), in which I’m supposed to write to my favorite internet friend.

I’m not sure who I would write to. A lot of my first internet friends, back from the early days of the Net (late 90s), I have no touch with. Other internet friends (early to mid 2000s) I stay in *some* touch with them, but they certainly wouldn’t be my best internet friend(s).

No, my best internet friends are those I’ve made since I started blogging. And while I’ve met them online, and connect with them mostly online, I’ve gotten to meet most of them in person, lucky for me. If I had to choose, which I’d prefer not to, I’ll write to Always Aroused Girl, one of the best internet (and IRL friends) a lady could want:

Dear AAG - 

Thank you for helping to keep me sane. Thank you for helping to show me the ways of the big, bad-ass blog world. Thank you for always being there to support me when I need to rant and rave, for helping me survive the EF drama (and for understanding why I couldn’t leave as quickly as I wished). Thank you for helping me figure out some of the ins and outs of this site, as well as helping me to design ShannaKatz.com completely. You’re an interwebs rockstar.

I’m so happy to be a friend of yours. You’re a genuinely good person, and very much the same person in real life as well as in the internet world. You’re amazing, and I’m honored to have you as a friend, both in the online world and the flesh and blood one. Thanks for serving as my online super hero. I have so much love for you!

<3

-Essin’ Em

Here is another “Back in the Day” post, this from February 23, 2009, about the Five Love Languages.

Jiz Lee recently wrote a post that got me thinking.

The five love languages are familiar to me.

These are the five love languages:

1. Words of Affirmation

2. Quality Time

3. Receiving Gifts

4. Acts of Service

5. Physical Touch

I first learned about the 5 love languages at camp in 8th grade (welcome to smart kid camp). We all wrote our top two ways we best received love on our arms, so that people in our groups understood how to best demonstrate their love for us (again, gifted kid camp).

It’s important that people understand that there is no right or wrong language. If you feel loved when you receive gifts, this doesn’t mean it has to be diamond rings…it could be cookies, flowers, a book someone thinks you’d like, a hand-me-down that is perfect for you. Physical touch, while it CAN be sex, it doesn’t have to be. It can be hugs, cuddling, massages, having your hair stroked. Acts of service can be anything from fixing a washing machine (or bed frame!) to giving you a ride to the airport or picking up a package for you from the post office. Words of affirmation don’t have to be said at a specific time or in a specific way; I love you, you’re beautiful, I enjoy how you make me think, thank you for being in my life. These are all words of affirmation. And quality time? That can be whatever you make of it. Strolling through museums, curled up on the couch watching movies, or supporting one another by attending events that are important to you.

I loved the concept, and made of poster of them for the wall in my bedroom. I literally just took it down from my mother’s house the other day while cleaning it out. I held it, I read it, and I thought about how much I use it in various facets of my life, whether by name or not. Actually, I just had a conversation about the love languages with a woman who is in Vagina Monologues with me. They are everywhere.

It may seem silly, but those five simple ideas have helped me so much throughout my life. I know that Ifeel best loved through physical touch and quality time. I want people I care about to hold me, to kiss me, to feel me, to touch me. I want them to want to spend time with me. Walking through the Denver Zoo with Q, going lingerie shopping with my friend in SF, seeing people I love in the audience at my performances; this is quality time for me. Acts of service are hard, because when I’m sick, I want nothing more than soup and tea, and feel loved when people provide them for me…but when I’m not sick, I’m very counter dependent, and have trouble letting people do favors for me.

How do I best show my love? Physical touch, quality, and acts of service like woah fuck. I leave my phone on 24-7, so people I care about can get ahold of me whenever they need me. I love giving people I love rides, I love helping them with online things, I love supporting them however I can. I am a touchy-feely person; I give hugs, pets and cuddles like no one’s business. And quality time…? Well, just like I want people I love to spend time with me, equally, I want to spend time with them.

I can give words of affirmation. Usually they are written, although sometimes spoken. But I have much trouble receiving them. Especially from people I love. I can’t imagine that they actually think I’m beautiful, or brilliant, or witty. I mean, yes, it’s a self-conscious thing, I know that. And I’ve gotten better at taking compliments. But I still have issues with it. I also have trouble getting gifts, unless I really know someone. But I do love giving gifts, things I’ve made, things I’ve found while out and about that are perfect for people I care about. So while I can and do show my affection in these ways, they aren’t the go to ways for me, as i have trouble receiving love these ways.

Knowing these things has helped me explain myself to my partners. I realized when I was presenting my Poly/Relationship Mapping class at Femina Potens last month why having a partner who would bring me soup when I was sick was so important; it’s hard for me to ask for help, and so me asking for soup, and then having it brought to me was a demonstration of love…TO ME. It wasn’t until I was explaining it you all the people at this class that *I* realized why it was so important to me, so how could any of my former partners know how much this mean. When I hop into bed, and someone sleepily puts their arms around me, or strokes my back, I feel loved. When someone arranges to hang out with me, or just shows up wanting to spend time with me, I feel love. When Monkey and Jen drove hours with 3 kids to come and take me to Fisherman’s Wharf and spend time with me, I felt cared for. When my best friend showed up on my door step the week before Valentine’s Day, as I felt like I lay on my death bed, with a half-gallon of minestrone and a smile, I realized how loved I was.

But also realize that I need to know my friends and partners love languages in order to best demonstrate my love to them, in a way that they understand and accept. I have some friends that are not touchy – I’ve learned this. So instead of telling them they just did an amazing job by giving them a big hug, I have to say it out loud. For some of my friends, they love it when I give them extra sex toys and porn, but are so busy that they don’t have time for quality time. We have to adapt, and we have to know ourselves, so we can tell the people who love us HOW to best love us.

As usual, it all boils down to communication. Communication is key, you know the drill :)

In hindsight, I wonder what the good doctor and all the gifted kid counselors would say if they knew how well discussing love languages helped relationships…sexual, kinky, poly and more.

For those of you who don’t know, or who are new here, I am a survivor of sexual violence. And sexual assault. And sexual harassment. I’ve met very few people who are not survivors of something surrounding this. Every April, I republish my story, and parts of my recovery, in honor of Sexual Assault Awareness month. I encourage people to donate whatever money or time that they have to give to RAINN (Rape and Incest National Network), or whatever local sexual violence prevention and survivor assistance organization(s) they care about or can find.

Here is another way. Instead of sharing your story (although I highly encourage people to do that), you can share your feelings of hope, of light, of survival with other survivors and victims of sexual violence.

Thanks to Holly for bringing my attention to this.

As a side note, this is for women and transfolk, but please remember that people of all genders are survivors of sexual assault.

-Essin’ Em

Call For Submission

Dear Sister, edited by Lisa Factora-Borchers, is an anthology of letters and other works created for survivors of sexual violence from other survivors and allies. It is a collection of hope and strength through words and art.

The pathway for a survivor of rape and sexual violence is an unlit road of pain, isolation and doubt. In the weeks, months and oftentimes, years following, the healing process can be difficult to navigate without a community surrounding her. Imagine a compilation of literary arms bound together to offer words of understanding, solidarity and love. Dear Sister is an accessible and inclusive offering of hope, voice and courage; seeking writers and artists who wish to light a piece of that road and lift up other women in her healing.

It is an impossible task to write a letter to every survivor of rape, to every woman who lives with an invisible scar. Instead of thinking of the face of the person you are writing to, reflect on the image of an unlit path, a road with no clear footing. Your offering will be one light, among many, to make visible what was previously unseen, to illuminate what was hidden. You are providing a few more steps for someone to walk steadily toward their own recovery. Your words can be an anchor, a meditation, a prayer, a strong embrace or a gentle touch. The purpose of this anthology is not to retell stories of assault, but to help others regain a sense of balance and wholeness.

Mindfully move beyond what is commonly said and reflect upon radical companionship. Write what you wish for her to know and never forget. And if you lose focus, look deep into a mirror and reflect: What would you want to be told if you were in the darkness?

Information

Dear Sister primarily seeks letters but will accept poems, prose, essay and drawn art that can either be scanned for entry. Maximum word count is 1,000. Deadline for submission is November 1, 2010.

Women and transpeople of any race, creed, background, citizenship or non-citizen, ability and identity are encouraged to submit their words and work to uplift others in the healing stages of post trauma and violence. Both English and Spanish are accepted. All questions can be directed to dearsisteranthology@gmail.com.

Submissions can be emailed as an attachment with “Dear Sister Entry” in the subject to dearsisteranthology@gmail.com.

Hand written letters can be address and mailed to:
Dear Sister Anthology
P.O. Box 202468
Cleveland, OH 44120

Note from the Editor

Rape and sexual violence thrive in the silence of our homes and communities. Outreach must be wide and intentional if we seek to hear from those who are silenced. Please forward this to as many individuals, groups, organizations, listserves, websites and agencies that come to mind

 This is part of my 30 Days of Letters blog endeavor. This is day 7, writing a letter to an ex…an ex partner, an ex love, an ex crush.

This was one I wasn’t looking forward to. Why? I mean, I’m friends with my last 3 ex-partners, at least to some extent. I don’t like burning bridges. Hell, I’m even friends with most of my former crushes.

However, I feel like this is supposed to be a deeper letter, one that makes me think. And so, I write this letter to Julius. I wrote a bit about him here. He is an ex-friend, an ex crush, an ex-love, and much more.

Dear Julius,

I still, more than half a decade later, don’t know what it was I did to have you cut off all contact with me. You, the person I talked to nightly on the phone all through high school. You, one of the first people I had a real crush on. You, who I laughed with, and cried with, and adventured with. What exactly was it that I did that night we hooked up, that some how convinced you to never talk to me again.

I could use humor, and joke that I didn’t think that I was that bad of a kisser, that you seemed to have enjoyed it. But this isn’t a time for joking. I don’t think you know exactly how badly you’ve hurt me.

You’re the first person who told me that they loved me. Not once, not twice, and not even only in languages that I understood. After my father died, you were the only one that was there to support me, and helped to keep the pieces of me together when I shattered apart. You were my support system, my knight in punk rock/grunge armor, my guy friend, my best friend, my crush, my love, and so much more that I can’t even define.

I think about you every once in a while. I do. I hope you’re happy, whatever it is that you’re doing. I honestly do, despite how much hurt and pain you’ve given me over the years, and despite how much you’ve contributed to my fear of being abandoned by those I love.

I only wish, that one day, I found out what it was that made you cut all of the things that tied us together. I’ve spent many nights, many days, many plane flights and train trips, all trying to figure out what I did to make you cut me from your life, to shut me out like all of those years that we’d had together never existed. It pains me more to know that I must have done or said something to hurt you, and yet I have no idea. I don’t even know what I’m apologizing for.

So Julius, should you ever read this, please tell me. Some how, please tell me what it was I did. Because you see, it’s really fucked me up all these years. It’s made me afraid that one day, everyone I love is just going to shut me out of their life. And I feel, however irrationally, that if I just *KNEW* what it was, and never did it again, that somehow, I’d be a little safer in the arms of those I love. Please.

Best of luck in your life,

-Essin’ Em

I haven’t gotten to review a harness in a while, so I have to thank the lovely feminist sex toy store (in Canada) Trinity Romance for this chance to review the Velvet Vibrating Corsette Harness.

As far as harnesses go, I love love love my Spareparts Joque harness. There is nothing quite like it. However, as has often been pointed out to me, even my custom made leopard print one is not quite as femme-y as some would like. Ergo, I have endevoured to finding a fat-girl-friendly, femme-tastic, dual strap harness.

This one is pretty damn close. The promo pictures show the harness making your ass look pretty good, and in real life, it comes pretty close. Here is a picture of me in the harness, with my ass nicely framed (thanks Q for taking the photo!)

Ok. So ass looks good. Check. Plus size friendly? The straps fit up to a 60″ waist. This meant that even as a big girl, I had a LOT of extra strappage going on. A lot. To the point where I might cut them, and burn the ends so they don’t get in the way as much. So big girl fit-able? Hell yes.

Now, I have the black one, but this also comes in purple, if you’re like me and like to coordinate. It also comes with a vibrating bullet that fits in a pocket in the front and THREE adjustable O-rings. I really appreciated that; most adjustable O-ring harnesses don’t actually come with other O-rings for you to switch out.

The vibe? Meh. I could have don’t without it. Didn’t have much oomph to it, and like most small bullet vibes, it dies quickly, and has expensive batteries to replace. However, if you have a smaller rechargable vibe, like the Lelo Mia, you can use that in the same place, which is nice.

The harness looked pretty damn good on me, and fit quite comfortably, and I loved the tie-up in the back. My one issue with it is that if you choose to use a bigger cock, either thick or long, it’s going to be heavy, and honestly, this harness is not meant for heavier cocks. The velvet and stretchy rubber O-rings just don’t provide enough support. This means you might end up with a bit of a limp dick, or even worse, your cock popping out into your partner. I’m awkward, yes, but that earns a total awkward calamari from me.  Also, because the front part is solid (unlike the Joque, or the Sportsheet Bare as You Dare), you cannot use it to support toys like the Feeldoe, Nexus and Share.

All in all, this is a great, sexy harness, that fits people of all sizes, is an awesome vegan harness, a bit femme-y, and with adjustable O-rings. If you’re looking for a first time, or occasional use harness, this would be perfect. On the other hand, if you’re rocking the cock (femme cock or otherwise) on a regular basis, I’d suggest something a bit more sturdy!

Thanks to Trinity Romance for this lovely harness. If you live in B.C., Canada, tell them to bring me in for a class — I’d LOVE to teach there!

-Essin’ Em

Here is a picture of me on the hotel balcony in Florida…can you tell I was avoiding my family by spending lots of time reading on the balcony, out by the pool, or on the beach? In fact, I finished all 700+ pages of Sherlock Homles, the complete works, volume 2 while there.

So here you see the beach, and the park, and my brilliant left hand, giving you a thumbs up from Palm Beach. Because despite all the drama and family issues of this trip, I really do enjoy spending time reading, and near/in water (odd, being that I’m a fire sign and all…hmmm). You can also see my daily, more utilitarian (but still very pretty) black and silve chain mail engagement bracelet that I’ve gotten to wear on a much more daily basis.

So happy HNT to everyone, and I hope that everyone is having a little bit of a thumbs up in their life as of late,

-Essin’ Em

Since I came back from Florida, it’s been non-stop. Q’s sister was in town visiting from Long Island. Jamye Waxman was in town to speak. Q started her first day as a grad school professor. I still haven’t had time to process all the emotion and family drama from my Florida trip, and Q is on a meditation kick (which I’m trying to do daily, and seems to give me headaches).

The result? Right now, we have an incredibly mercurial relationship, almost bi-polar. One minue, we’re holding hands, looking into each others’ eyes, sharing frozen yogurt, being all lovey dovey. The next, we’re arguing with each other about little things, being nit picky, almost ignoring each other.

People keep telling me it’s Mercury in retrogade. I don’t normally believe in that, but we all like to cling to something to explain why our lover and ourselves have suddenly started acting bi-polar towards the relationships…and I mean hell, Mercurial (the temperament/actions) and Mercury sure sound alike, right?

But it’s made me realize, along with some posts on Alphafemme’s blog, that relationships constantly require work, even if they’re working out just fine. Being complacent about the relationship leads to things getting stale, or issues not being worked out. However, I’m also realizing that working on and improving relationships takes a lot of hard work.

This is the longer sexual/lover relationship I’ve ever been in. I mean, I’ve made friendships work for years. My best friend Annabelle and I have been friends since 2002, and my best friend E and I since 1999. Clearly, I can handle long term relationships/friendships, including their natural ups and downs.

However, I’m new to making long term lovers/partner relationships work. I didn’t realize how hard it can be, how much effort need to be involved in truly communicating (instead of just saying yes and no, or I like this/don’t like this), how much it can hurt as we work through our issues, as well as personal issues that get brought up.

I’ve never been a highly emotional person before, but I am often with Q, because I just have so much love and trust for her, which seems to bring out this side. I need to work hard not on pushing them down, but not letting them run wild. I let little things hurt more than they should, and I feel a lot of my OCD-ness and anxiety returning, something which I would like not to happen.

Then there is the disability thing. As things get worse, and I have more bad days, and hospital visits, I always get worried that something will be the last straw, and she won’t want to deal with me anymore. I’m trying to figure out how to even phrase this feeling. I’m not sure yet.

I have a huge fear of being left/abandoned by those I love; friends and partners alike. It happened with Julius, and with Nikki, and with the Kinky Whore, and I’m terrified it’s going to happen with Q. It’s not logical, I know, but I have a history of people I love leaving me. Can I trace it back to daddy issues, and my father dying when I was 13? Possibly. Who knows? Regardless, no matter how much I trust Q, I still have this voice in the back of my head, especially whenever we’re aruging or trying to improve things, telling me that “if you don’t do it right, if you mess up at all, Q is going to leave you, just like everyone else.” I need to figure out how to quiet that voice, and trust in Q and in what we have together.

Q pointed out to me that relationships cannot thrive and grow unless we ourselves thrive and grow. Whether that is through writing, therapy, meditation (I’ve decided I’ll try it daily for 3 weeks, and then decide if it is in fact helping me), etc, we have to, as individuals, work on ourselves in order to work on our relationship.

And so, I’m working on harnessing my emotions, learning to let things go. I’m trying to not attach so much importance to little things. I’m trying to re-create more of my own life here. It’s hard. I don’t really have friends. I strongly dislike the kink community, there is no queer community, and most of the lesbians we’ve met drink a lot and do drugs, neither of which is for me. I’m having a hard time creating my own life outside of Q and my relationship because I’m in an area where I don’t fit, where I don’t belong. I think that’s part of the issue.

And I’m going to work on, I’m not sure how, but I’m going to work on this fear of abandonment. I’m open to suggestions, ideas, etc. How do you convince yourself to leave your past alone and trust in the future and in your parnter, completely?

-Essin’ Em

 This is part of my 30 Days of Letters blog endeavor. Today’s schtick is to write to a stranger, and so I shall.

Today I’m writing to a stranger. But I’m going to take a similar route of the witty Britni of BritIsShameless.com, and make this a delurking post, or better yet, a post where I can get to know you, my readers.

Who are you? Some of you I know in real life, others through your comments, your blogs, your twitter pages, etc. Some of you I don’t even know that you are there at all.

So tell me, those you who are reading me:

*What name do you go by on the interwebs?

*What are some of your identities?

*How did you find me, and when?

*Why are you reading this blog?

*Where(ish) are you located?

*What is your number one bit of sex advice you give to people?

*How do you tell people you love them?

*Favorite animal.

Would you be so kind, oh strangers of various levels, to post here, today, and tell me who you are a little, what makes you tick, how you found me, how you love, your tips on sex, why you read this, and of course, your favorite animal? I’d appreciate it ever so much!

And with that…I have hope to get to “meet” some of you soon!

-Essin’ Em

I have been asked to write a paid review of the sex toys website Discreet-Romance.com.

First impression? The site needs a bit more of a face lift on the front. It’s incredibly busy, and has issues with word combos like “man sex toys” and “vaginas and dolls.” I had a hell of a time trying to find an “about” sections. Returns policy? Yes. FAQ sections? Yes. A whole hell of a lot of different vibrator options, and a variety of adult toys? Yes. However, I was never able to find a mission statement, or even an about section. So really, I can’t tell you much about who owns/runs the site, what their views are on sexuality and sex positivity, etc. There is an “about our store” section on the front page below the blog, but it is not informative, and is full of typos, which annoyed me.

First thing I always do when reviewing a sex toy/adult toy site is to search the site for anal eaze. Yes, they do indeed carry it. HUGE black mark in my book. They also carry shrink creams, which is a big no-no to me. Moreover, they have really racistly-named shrink creams, which I have huge beef with. Not impressed with their selection.

As far as body-friendly items, they do carry the full line of Tantus silicone (and aluminum items), including butt plugs, dildos, harness kits and vibrators.They also have the line of Lelo toys (some of my favs as well). On the other hand, they do NOT have any Vixen, Jimmy Jane, Liberator, etc. If you’re looking for high end toys, this is not the site for you.

However, if what you want is cheap toys, you may have found your match, Each page displays lots of sale items, including rabbit style vibrators for under $20, bullet vibes for under $5, etc. If you know what you’re looking for, their search button is ok, but I find their left hand menu of items very difficult to search, and it’s extremely hard to find the few body-friendly and quality items in the mess of everything else.

On the front page, they do have a blog, that unlike many of these one-off toy sites, seems to be updated on a fairly regular basis. The writing isn’t amazing, and I personally don’t agree with many of the topics/advice given, but I do appreciate that they have one, unlike many similar sites.

All in all, I say meh to Discreet Romance. I don’t approve of many of their products (anal numbing creams, shrink creams, etc), and find the navigation fairly difficult, especially if I’m looking for a decent toy. However, their prices are low, and they actually have a sexuality blog, which is more than I can say for most of these sites that sell adult toys.

-Essin’ Em

Ok…so this contest is mostly for the boyz. When I say boy/boi, I mean someone who has a body part that they’d like to use the freaking awesome Tenga Egg on (or a partner for such). On the other hand, it’s been pointed out to me on the Tenga Egg page at Babeland.com (contest sponsor!) that you can even turn the egg inside out and use it on a Hitachi as a fun bumpy cover, so really, it is for anyone and every one.

It’s simple to enter. Just comment and tell me your favorite food/story/word that involves eggs. Think humpy dumpty, eggs benedict, who knows!

Deadline: Friday, August 27th at 11:59PM PDT.

Shipping included for US residents. Must be 18 or over to win. That’s about it for the small print.

Here is a picture of the different individual insides of the Tenga Eggs, whether you use them as male masturbators or Hitachi Magic Wand covers.

And that’s all for now folks. It’s a pretty EGG-citing contest, so comment away!

-Essin’ Em