Sexuality Happens

 This is part of my 30 Days of Letters blog endeavor. This is day 7, writing a letter to an ex…an ex partner, an ex love, an ex crush.

This was one I wasn’t looking forward to. Why? I mean, I’m friends with my last 3 ex-partners, at least to some extent. I don’t like burning bridges. Hell, I’m even friends with most of my former crushes.

However, I feel like this is supposed to be a deeper letter, one that makes me think. And so, I write this letter to Julius. I wrote a bit about him here. He is an ex-friend, an ex crush, an ex-love, and much more.

Dear Julius,

I still, more than half a decade later, don’t know what it was I did to have you cut off all contact with me. You, the person I talked to nightly on the phone all through high school. You, one of the first people I had a real crush on. You, who I laughed with, and cried with, and adventured with. What exactly was it that I did that night we hooked up, that some how convinced you to never talk to me again.

I could use humor, and joke that I didn’t think that I was that bad of a kisser, that you seemed to have enjoyed it. But this isn’t a time for joking. I don’t think you know exactly how badly you’ve hurt me.

You’re the first person who told me that they loved me. Not once, not twice, and not even only in languages that I understood. After my father died, you were the only one that was there to support me, and helped to keep the pieces of me together when I shattered apart. You were my support system, my knight in punk rock/grunge armor, my guy friend, my best friend, my crush, my love, and so much more that I can’t even define.

I think about you every once in a while. I do. I hope you’re happy, whatever it is that you’re doing. I honestly do, despite how much hurt and pain you’ve given me over the years, and despite how much you’ve contributed to my fear of being abandoned by those I love.

I only wish, that one day, I found out what it was that made you cut all of the things that tied us together. I’ve spent many nights, many days, many plane flights and train trips, all trying to figure out what I did to make you cut me from your life, to shut me out like all of those years that we’d had together never existed. It pains me more to know that I must have done or said something to hurt you, and yet I have no idea. I don’t even know what I’m apologizing for.

So Julius, should you ever read this, please tell me. Some how, please tell me what it was I did. Because you see, it’s really fucked me up all these years. It’s made me afraid that one day, everyone I love is just going to shut me out of their life. And I feel, however irrationally, that if I just *KNEW* what it was, and never did it again, that somehow, I’d be a little safer in the arms of those I love. Please.

Best of luck in your life,

-Essin’ Em