I’m Not Her Fucking Roommate
This summer, Q has been playing on a softball league with people from work. It’s every Sunday night, and I have gone, sat at, and watched every single game she has played in, except for one when I was recovering from my knee drama. Everyone. I am the only partner of a team member that has attended more than one game, and I’m the one people use to guilt their partners into coming to watch (“But Q’s partner comes to every single game — you can’t even come support me once?”). Before and after the game, we hug and kiss. During the game, I cheer for her (El Guapo) and the rest of the team, and make snarky remarks about how good her ass looks while batting. We’ve gone out to eat with the team after a game, and talked a little about wedding plans, held hands, etc.
Last Sunday, someone was looking for a pen. I had just lent the coach one, and he’d given it back. The coach looked at the pen-less guy and said, loud enough for me to hear from the bleachers; “Need a pen? Q’s ROOMMATE has one.”
Roommate. Yes. He said that. Thank the mooses for Q, who quick said “Um, she’s my partner. PARTNER.” Now, the coach didn’t hear it, and he didn’t really care…but Q is usually not that assertive, and so her saying that made me feel better, and so much more validated.
Ok. Now if you had *just* met us, I could see using the term roommate, if you didn’t know. But wouldn’t it be more poignant to use “friend” if you weren’t sure of some one’s relationship status? Calling me her roommate is so fucking 50s. It completely discounts our relationship, which you have clearly seen, heard, and know to exist. It’s telling us we’re not good enough to have a relationship, that we can’t really be in love. We’ve been delegated back down to roommates.
Now, we almost exclusively use the term partner, and prefer people use the same when referring to us. However, in certain circumstances, we use the term “girlfriend” if that is the best way for someone (like our grandparents) to wrap their mind around our relationship. While I don’t particularly like “girlfriend,” if that is the best way for you to understand us, then fine, use it.
I don’t really like fiance either, because that boils everything back down to the wedding, and our relationship is so much more than a celebration of love. She is my partner every moment of every day…she’s only my fiance when we’re planning/talking about the wedding. But if you call her my fiance, or vice versa, fine. I can deal. At least you’re validating our relationship.
Call her my “special friend” (or me hers), and you’re in for a snarky comment like “yes, she is my special friend. My vagina’s special friend to be exact.” What the hell does special friend mean? But at least, with that, you’re implying special, as in more important that ordinary relationships, and friend, as in a chosen relationship.
With roommate, you have 100% completely invalidated our relationship. How dare you. I would never ever ever refer to your wife of however many years as “that lady you live with.” Not ever. So how can you, seeing our interactions, hear the terms we use and our wedding plans, relegate us to “roommates.” Fuck you.
She’s not my fucking roommate. She’s my lover, my partner, my friend, my fiance, my confidant, my muse, my kitty co-parent, my salvation, my amusement, and oh so much more.
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Ugh. That is so obnoxious.
But I do love your response to “special friend.”
Ugh, I so get where you’re coming from. That has happened more than once when Emmett and I were together, and before that when I was with my girlfriend C, we were called just “friends” all the time. Usually my response, if I caught it in time, was to make a crack about being more than just friends/roommates. Still, I don’t know why people think calling us something other than what we are is going to change the fact that we’re QUEER and we’re TOGETHER. Fit THAT into your tiny little minds, people, instead of trying to assign us some straighter title so that you can sleep better at night!
“I don’t really like fiance either, because that boils everything back down to the wedding,”
Only if you make it about the wedding. Fiancee (the female version) is a legitimate word to describe a relationship, not a wedding. It means a woman who is engaged to be married. In historical times an engagement – to be betrothed, to have or be a fiance/fiancee – was as binding as being a spouse in many ways. When one moves from being a date/girlfriend/boyfriend to being a fiance/e, one has made a vow that goes beyond dating … it states your intention to make a formal, public, and dedicated commitment to each other – in whatever way you choose to do.
If you choose to make it about the wedding, that’s YOUR choice, but that’s not the meaning of the word.
Oh, just adding on … I’d be massively pissed about the “roommate” comment, too. But all you can do is know that it speaks more about his insecurity/closedmindedness than about the strength and validity of your relationship. And kudos to Q for speaking out.
Amber – it’s happened before, but not with someone I’ve seen on a regular basis. The familiarity made it that much worse. Epiphora — Glad you approve! Kara – But the concept of betrothed, etc still brings it back to the concept of marriage. Which currently does not respect our relationship. We’ve already made a commitment to each other which has nothing to do with either the concept of a wedding, or with the government, which has decided not to recognize our relationship. This lack of respect for us makes us not want to encourage or support this industry as a whole, hence not liking the term fiance (and I would never use the feminine term for Q, ever). We’re having a celebration of love, as marriage isn’t even an option for us.
At least part of the reason Harper and I had a big ole wedding was to get family members to stop calling us roommates. Had I married a guy I probably would’ve just done it down at city hall with a few witnesses. We felt like we had to make the big public statement, but we did it our way and had a blast in the process. And it worked. No one, not even the ones who refused to come, call us roommates anymore.
I really don’t understand why it is so difficult to use the same terms as people use for themselves. If I say wife, you say wife. You definitely don’t say roommate.
“We’ve already made a commitment to each other which has nothing to do with either the concept of a wedding, or with the government, ”
But you’re choosing to have a wedding. I don’t get being offended by someone referring to a fiancee if you’ve CHOSEN to participate in the societal ritual.
I have an issue with someone referring to Q as my fiancée (two e’s) period. I don’t have an issue with people referring to her as my fiancé, but as I’ve been saying, I don’t identify as such.
i have had this situation happen to my wife and I a million times. You would figure in this day and age people would be a little more aware.
I prefer “better half” sometimes :-)