Sexuality Happens

This is part of my 30 Days of Letters endevor. This is supposed to be a letter to your dreams.  I didn’t know if they meant like dreams you have at night (which I have been having some freaking crazy ones as of late), or dreams like your hopes and goals. I decided to go with the latter.

Dear Dreams…

It’s so interesting how you’ve changed over time. When I was five, I wanted nothing more in the world to be an archaeologist, like Indiana Jones. Then, it was a vet. When I got to high school, I decided I wanted to be a counselor for gifted children, and went into college expecting to do so. Somewhere in there, I discovered sex ed, and dreamed of working for Planned Parenthood, which brought me to grad school. From there, I fell into the world Feminist Porn and Porn for Women, and then into the world of sex toys. I wanted to be a feminist pornographer/sex toy shop owner with a studio/dungeon in the basement.

And now? I’m not sure. I am a sex educator, I am a feminist pornographer, I am a blogger, I am a writer, I am a reviewer, I am a marketer. I’m not sure what direction the tide will take me next; things are always changing in life, and it seems even more so in the sexuality field.

I had dreams of living in Europe…not likely with my three cats and partner now (although a long term visit may be in order). I had dreams of owning a house, which I almost did back in Philly. Now $15,000 of medical debt is going to push that one to the back burner for a while.

I have dreams of being able to easily walk up stairs, and maybe go for a jog. A realistic dream in the long run perhaps, but very expensive and time consuming and difficult to find a doctor who will do knee replacements on someone this young. This dream seems like a more long term one.

So for now, as I look at it, my dreams are:

*Getting out of the epic amount of debt Q and I share

*Moving back to Colorado by May 2011

*Celebrating our love with a wedding in October 2011

*Speaking at more colleges and universities (long term – be as cool as Tristan and Ducky and Nina Hartley and Midori and Megan Andelloux and the rest of the heavy hitters of sex ed)

*Traveling with Q to Europe – she’s never been, and I miss it badly

*Eventually owning our own home (10 years?)

*In the next 10 years, owning a Hybrid

*Add more states to my “I’ve been there!” list

*Try more cupcakeries and vegetarian restuarants across the US

*Figure out what to do about further education. I always thought that I’d want a PhD, need a PhD, have no other plan than to finally get my doctorate. Now I’m not sure.

*Meet many more amazing people, both online and in real life

*Live an outstanding, crazy and fulfilling life with Q and our kitties

*Enact change and fight for social justice and equality.

Dreams, I will try my best to reach for you, and honor you, but I don’t want to be so specific anymore. I want more of a concept and less of the exact science. I want to dream big, and aim in many directions. Thank you dreams, for being there, for changing with me, for helping me grown.

-Essin’ Em

This picture was taken on the balcony of my hotel room while in Florida last week.  It was just so nice and lovely out (aside from the mosquitos, and I have the bites to prove it!), and it felt good to sit out on the balcony and read.

I’ve had many issues with my legs, from knee problems to torn tendons in my ankles, and even issues fitting into boots due to ballet, figure skating and derby calves. However, I’m learning to love my legs (my new tattoo is helping) and even tolerate my feet. This pictures is just a step in the right direction, don’t you think?

Happy half nekkid Thursday!

-Essin’ Em

This is a letter I wrote back yesterday to a company that I had never before heard from, who wanted me to put up a graphic above vibrator use (explaining men’s sex toy use versus women’s sex toy use…with blue and pink “men” and “women”) along with a link to their site. In fact, they were even so kind to include the code to their site, so it would be that much easier for me to link to them and provide content for my users create better, free SEO for them.

I’m not going to link to them, because that’s what they wanted in the first place. However, this is not the first company I’ve had beef with. Here are a few thoughts, all based on real letters I’ve gotten.

*If you post a ridiculous comment on my blog that doesn’t make sense, just to get your link in the comment/on my page, I WILL delete it.

*When you email me asking to set up a phone call with your CEO, please explain exactly what you’d like us to talk about. I’m oh so easily confused by lack of information.

*I do not do link exchanges. I have that all over my site. If you’d like to advertise, I have a page with all the info. Or email, and ask for the info. This is not some recently started blogspot site — this is part of my livelihood.

*It’s ok to ask for a deal on long term ads. It is not ok to try and cut my offer in half, or even more. I will refuse you. I work with other bloggers, and when one of us agrees to ridiculous ad terms, it hurts us all.

*I am not an idiot. Telling me that a link on your site, which has a way worse Alexa and PR rating than mine, will improve my traffic and make me famous, is bullshit. And just because you send me the code doesn’t mean I’ll link to you, like a little sheep.

*Asking me to re-review a toy I already own and link it to your page is ridiculous.

*Asking me to make up a review of a toy I don’t have and link it to your site is un-ethical and ridiculous.

*Asking me to join an affiliate program that has a video that won’t shut up, and graphics of huge dollar signs (ala the 80s and 90s) is silly. Continuing to bug me about it after I’ve politely decline is just plain rude and stupid.

*Please don’t offer me crappy ass jelly toys. I understand if you can’t offer Vixen or Lelo, especially if you don’t know me/my reviews yet. However, if I tell you I only review glass/silicone/medical grade plastic/metal/ceramic/wood toys, and you offer me a butterfly kiss or something similar, it means you’re not listening. Grrr.

*Complimenting my video reviews, and saying you’d love to work with me doing more reviews, videoed classes, etc, is sweet. Then telling me that you’d charge me to do so, while you made the money off of them, is just rude, ridiculous, and pisses me the fuck off.

*It’s ok if you want to advertise and haven’t read my blog. However, regardless of why you’re emailing me, don’t tell me you love my blog if you don’t, or that you’ve read it if you haven’t. Telling me that my blog would be a good match with an all gay male site is pretty silly, and shows me you haven’t read my stuff. Same goes for his and her pheremones, sex supplements, etc. It just makes you look like an idiot.

Summation: I’m not an idiot. Please don’t think you can fool me into posting your link, or bargain me down to a ridiculous price for advertising, or into paying you for services that I’m usually the one getting paid for, or into thinking that you actually know who I am/are a reader of my blog. I’d rather you just deal with me respectufully and business like. Otherwise, you get a snippy email and a big ol’ delete. Unless you really piss me off, and then I warn other bloggers about you.

The end.

-Essin’ Em

This is part of my 30 Days of Letters endevor. This is supposed to be a letter to your sibling, or nearest relative. Ergo, I write it to my 20 year old sister.

Dear Sister -

We have not always had the best relationship. In fact, even right now, we don’t have what I would call “the best” relationship. However, we have been working on that, and I’m excited to see how things change.

It’s been hard. You were nine when dad died, and ever since then, I’ve felt it was you and mom against me. I never seemed to have the right answers, I never seemed to do the right activities, wear the right clothes, like the right stuff. You two were peas in a pod, and I felt alone. By choosing to be a lawyer (or at least go that direction), you’ve made the family very happy and gotten them off my back a little. Still, it’s hard being constantly compared to you, your choices, and your successes.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but as of the last couple of months, our phone converations have ended with “I love you.” That hasn’t happened before. I don’t end my talks with mom that way, even though I do with Q, and all my friends. While it has been a very deliberate effort on my part, and perhaps yours as well, it means a lot to me that we are changing our interaction.

We are so different. In looks, in likes, in wants, in needs. It’s hard to connect with you sometimes, because I feel so far away, so out of the loop. I’ve never dated an Air Force Cadet. I wasn’t in a sorority. I never wanted to go to law school. For a while, it seemed like the only thing we could talk about saw sex, and then you’d flip about when I said something you didn’t understand. I myself was nervous talking to you about your first time…shocking, yes, but it’s hard to talk about your sister having sex to your sister…it just is.

So thank you for trying. Please know I’m trying to. It’s hard, being far away, and it’s hard, given all the hurtful feelings that I’ve felt from you and mother in the past, but we will make it work. We’ve already made some very positive changes.

I look forward to more changes, to getting to say I love you more, to having you help plan the wedding, to eventually living in the same state again, and to growing, hopefully, closer. I don’t think we’ll ever be to peas in a pod, but two different veggies sharing the same salad bowl is good enough for me.

-Essin’ Em

I’m back. I’m alive, but barely. It was an emotional roller coaster of a trip. For those of you that follow me on Twitter or Facebook, thank you for putting up with the drama.  

Above is a picture I took from my hotel room’s balcony of the beautiful beach. I spent all of 1.5-2 hours on it over 5 days.

Highlights of what happened:

*My aunt’s partner is ok. She’s recovering from the double mastectomy and reconstruction. My aunt is not a naturally good caretaker, so a lot of that fell to us as far as getting pudding cups for her to eat, encouraging icing, keeping my aunt from leaving her drugged up partner alone to go to dinner with us, etc.

*My grandfather does know I’m a “lesbian.” I think my aunt blames myself, and the Amelia Erhardt barbie she gave me when I was little. Despite him knowing about this, I’ve been discourage from both my aunt and my grandfather from talking about Q. Needless to say, he will not be coming to the wedding.

*My sister and mother clearly dislike me. At one point, my sister directly told me that my presence makes her life miserable.  10 minutes later, she asked for advice on shoes. They have so normalized their dislike of me that it no longer interrupts their flow when they tell me such things.

*I had amazing food on the trip. Seasons 52 (a restaurant) is AMAZING, as was the Bruschetta with Goat Cheese Creme Brulee I got at O’Gradys in Delray Beach.

*My grandfathers partner/common law wife is mentally and emotionally abusive. To the point where he is scared to go home, but more scared to be late getting home. I don’t know what I can do about this.

*I don’t think my family recognizes my disability, particularly as far as needing to take my meds regularly, and with food.

*I did find two nice cardigans for cheap at TJMaxxx, and bought my sister an outrageously expensive purse for her birthday.

*I finished all 700 pages of the Complete Works of Sherlock Holmes, Volume 2.

*I only cried 3 times in 5 days.

*I experienced a horrible case of disability discrimination from a Southwest Airlines gate attendant.  They’ve always been very disability aware, and I filed a complaint. I’m interested to see their response.

*I will not see my family (mother/sister) again until either January or next summer, and my aunt/her partner/my grandfather until next summer.  Will there be phone/email fights? Yes. But will I feel like I’m the worst person in the world for being myself? Not again until January or the summer.

That’s all. Happy to be home with Q and the kitties.

-Essin’ Em

Last weekend, Q’s birthday weekend, we were both sick as dogs. I mean, I have had a lot of illness in my life, but the majority of it has been respiratory; whooping cough, pneumonia, etc. Or it’s been physically injury, like my knees, and hips, and getting hit with a boomerang, or having my foot caught in the fly wheel of a bike. I’ve been lucky enough not to have had much in the way of stomach bugs since I was a kid.

WARNING: Story is about a stomach bug. Don’t read if you have a weak tummy.

Now, this is good, because I hate throwing up. I’d rather have 30 MRIs or 50 injections that throw up once. I hate hate hate the feeling of throwing up. It’s one of the many reasons I’ve never been a big drinker; the fear of possibly drinking to much and then throwing up is a very potent weapon to sticking with a glass or two of wine, and frou frou and delicious drinks.

But all this aside, I came home the night of the 5th from teaching a class at Fascinations on the G-spot and Female Ejaculation. I was fine. I made myself some homemade guacamole, ate it with pita chips, and suddenly, I didn’t feel so good. We went to bed.

An hour later, Q found me on the floor of the bathroom, holding an alcohol pad to my nose (it can reduce nausea) with an empty bottle of Pepto Bismo.  I was hugging the toilet, trying to do everything in my power that I could to not throw up. Unfortunately, it didn’t work.

For the next 6 hours, I had one of the worst nights of my entire life. Every hour, on the hour, like clock work, I would run to the bathroom to projectile vomit. I’ve never experienced this before; vomit being forced out of your body, through your mouth, and both nostriles, while you’re essentially peeing out your ass. I’d vomit and shit at the same time. My throat and nose were burning, my ass was chapped. I used every available place to throw up; the toilet, the sink, a trash can, the bathtub.

And through out all of this, Q had a damp washcloth on the back of my neck, and helped me clean up and bleach the crap out of everything…each and every time I pulled an Exorcist. I couldn’t even keep down water, and my black eye make up from the night before was smeared down my face, adding the the look. She brought me SmartWater, and helped me into bed, each and every time. Finally, at 5am, when it showed no signs of stopping, she drove desperately trying to find an open drug store (this is AZ, remember?), and brought me home more Pepto, and Gingerale, and Gatorade.

Through all of this, I don’t remember much, although I do distinctly remember trying to verbalize how much everything hurt and how much I just wanted to die. However, as I lay in bed the next day, my muscles exhausted, too weak to even move to get online, I remembered how cared for I felt. How much having her help me through this meant to me.  

Oh course, the poor thing got sick Saturday night (although she only threw up once), and was dead to the world all day Sunday. Birthday plans were obviously postponed.

Love has many facets. There is the attraction, the reliability, the thrill of something new, the chemical connection, the familiarity. But when I am sick, there is nothing more in the world that I want (other than possibly to die, in this case) than to have someone taking care of me. And when Q, who had a luncheon and two presentations the next day, spent her night taking care of me, I just realized, yet again, how much I love her, and how much love she has for me. Cleaning up after the Exorcist? Now THAT is love.

-Essin’ Em

This is part of my 30 Days of Letters endevor. As my father has been dead more than a decade, and fulfills other days, I’m going to write this to my mother.

Mother -

We have what many would see as a tumultuous relationship. There really are three parts of you that I get. There is the awesome part, that sends me news articles about gay marriage in other countries, that makes fun of John McCain, that sends Q and I fans for our cars out of the blue.

Then there is the side that has hurt me so much emotionally over the years; the side that convinced me that my family would never approve of/support me in what I do, that my relationships would never be welcome, that I would be ground in HS if I got a B. This is the side that plays BLATANT favoritism with my sister, to the point that people have pointed it out and asked me what I did to piss you off. This is the side that has caused countless tears, nights without sleep, thoughts of becoming a runaway, of emancipating myself in college, of disowning the family. You’ve gotten better in the past bit, but it’s still hard not to think of the acts you did that made me hate myself and regret living. Telling someone they tried to kill themselves because they wanted attention, or because they had a vegetarian diet? That’s just low.

And now, as you grow older into your 60s, there is the side that worries me. This is the part of you that tells me the same thing three times in one phone conversation, that has you confusing me with my sister, that has you tripping in the backyard, falling and hurting your knees. You live alone in a 3-story house, and I know you can’t even get down to the basement to deal with the cat litter (there is vomit and shit all over the floor). I keep trying to encourage you to sell and down size, offering to help you go through the stuff, and to move, but you reject it. I’ve offered to get my handy man friend to come over and put up towel racks that have fallen down for years, or lights that have been out for months. I get no response. It’s very hard to take care of someone who is slowly falling apart when they won’t accept your help. And it’s very hard to offer you help when I’ve been in dire situations, and gotten none from you.

I don’t hate you. I used to think I did, but I’ve realized that I don’t. However, it’s also incredibly hard to love you. I feel like I love you because I have to, not because there has been a growth of love between us. I hope this changes in the next few years, I do. I don’t want to feel this way. I can see that you’re trying; offering to pay for the cupcakes in our wedding is a HUGE step, especially since you don’t support the fact that we’re getting wedded. I appreciate that, and I give you my word that I will try to. Just know that this is all going to take time, and I don’t quite know how much of that we have, given the average life length in our family. But I will try.

I love you, in my own way,

-Essin’ Em

You’ll note that this review is very different than my average one.  I usually review sex toys, or books, or lubes. However, the other day, I was in Fascinations, and was talking to one of the associates, and she told me that this shot worked really well for her. Given that my poor sex drive has pretty much been out the window since my cancer scare back in January, I’ve gotten to the point where I’m willing to try pretty much anything, as long as I know it’s not medically harmful. Ergo, I bought this shot, the Rock On for HerFemale Sexual Enhancement shot/drink.

Now, I will tell you that I don’t seem to do well with supplements. Caffeine (whether in coffee, chocolate, tea, or otherwise) has never affected me. I could drink a Crowbar (4 shots of espresso, coffee and chocolate syrup) in college, and fall asleep shortly there after.  When I was working for the evil corporate gym on overnight shifts, I tried a 5-hour Energy shot one night, and promptly fell asleep at the desk. So I didn’t have much hope for it.

It tastes gross. Like, face making, gag noise making gross. However, I drank the whole thing, and then Q and I went and had sex. Did it work? I don’t really think so. I mean, we already were planning on having sex, it didn’t at all make me feel more sexual (basically, I’m all good with fucking Q, and find that really hot, but am not so hot with being sexual myself), and I certainly wasn’t buzzing with horniness.  Would I use it again? No.

That said, I have now spoken to several women of various orientations and ages that swear by this. Is it snake oil? Maybe. I’m not sure how well L-Argenine works when used internally/ingested, however, we do know it works in creating extra sensation topically. It’s possible that my body just doesn’t react well to supplements. Who knows.

Next on my list; clitoral arousal gel. Again, these aren’t normally things I’d like to try, but I’m getting desperate, just like many women out there, looking to reclaim and take control of their sexuality. I’m happy to share my experiences around this, in hopes that it’ll help others.

Want to try the shot for yourself? Click here to get a bottle. If you *do* try it, please let me know via comment or email what you thought – I really would love to know!

-Essin’ Em

Last month, my best friend got married, and I attended as Maid of Honor while I was in Colorado. After the ceremony and before the reception, we went to Civic Center Park to do some fun photo shoots with the wedding party.

At one point, the photographer ask who was the fiercest of the bridesmaids. Obviously, the title fell to me. She wanted me to show the other girls a fierce walk, turn, pose, walk. I, of course, was up to the challenge, and this is the picture she snapped somewhere between Turn and Pose.

Photo Credit: Charlotte Geary

I love my back — it’s one of my favorite body parts. Overall, I wasn’t thrilled with the dress. Having seen some of the other pictures, I looks like a cross between a whale and an over-stuff sausage. However, this picture makes me look sassy and pretty, and show cases my back, and I love it.

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday to all of y’all!

-Essin’ Em

OH! I almost forgot! Big ass sex toy sale today!

Today, Fascinations has a sale happening online, and at its 16 stores (in Portland, Colorado and Arizona). This means vibes, butt plugs, dildos, panties, books, movies, lubes, massage oils and more are 25%. The end. That’s an outstanding deal, especially when you’re looking at buying a bigger ticket item.

How can you hop onto this fantabulous deal? You can either go in store or to FunLove.com (to shop, or find a store). Wishing you good sex toy shopping karma!

HNT Courtesy of Barefoot Dreamer – Photo by Jon H.

Welcome to e[lust] - Your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #19? Start with the rules, check out the schedule and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~

Off Limits for 30 Days – “You don’t listen very well,” I heard her hiss. “That’s off limits, damn you.” And there was a crack and fiery agony clawed into my back.

The Joy of Sucking Cock – I wonder at times if that is why I am such a “good little cocksucker” as W calls me. When I am deeply into it, I almost enter this place where I am both the sucker and suckee, and it is as though it is MY cock being sucked on.

This intensity gets me riled when I am tied up (photo story) – James picked up that evil strap again. I watched helplessly as he positioned himself to use it on my pussy… Ever so lightly he started. Flick, flick, flick.

~ e[lust] Editress ~

Ask Lilly: How do I know if a sex toy has phthalates in it? – The studies going around are saying that phthalate exposure can damage all sorts of organs, and can possibly cause cancer. There are a lot of harmful things in our world these days that we can’t avoid – so when we CAN avoid something like toxins in our sex toys, we should.

~ Featured Post (Lilly’s Pick) ~

Portal. Confession #493 – It truly is a spiritual give and take, these sexual relationships I form. I can cross the threshold and see however much of someone that I choose to see, with whomever it is that I am involved with.

See also: Pleasurists #88 and #89 for all your sex toy review needs.

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Defying Gravity with Carrie Moon

Interview with Dylan Ryan

Is “The Smoking Jacket” a Smoking Gun?

Naked and Famous

That’s discrimination! -or- Two Words I’m Sick of Hearing

Very Deserved Wrath- Not So New Problems

Kink & Fetish

10 Things I Love About My Slave

A Rope Pride Flag?

At Last

Correlations

dutch part 6 – the finale!

Discovering DebPorn

Independence Day

Kinkster Me

No Mosquito Fetish Here

Our First Play Time – Part 1

Please

Post Exploratorium HNT

Sex and Kink

Subspace

Thoughts on Single Tailing

THIS is what happens to naughty little redheaded sluts…

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

A Declaration of Independence — From the eXes

Ass to Mouth

Bi The Way – Male Bisexuality and Swinging

Don’t Beat Yourself Up

Euphemisms

Flying The Red Flag

Natural Born Swingers

Partnerships

Transtastic: On Coming Out as a Political Act

The Ins & Outs of Anal Sex

The Cialis Effect

Unusually High Sex Drive

Where is My G Spot?

Why Won’t Anyone Respond? — Help for Your Swinger Inbox

Erotic Writing

Adventures in Fisting

A Collision of Desires

boo full

Creature of habit pt. 3

Flashback: Our First Time

Fred

Fantasy: Australia Day

Good Morning

Get Down, Dirty & Get The Hell Out

I want…

Licked to orgasm

Sweat & Summer

Sparkly Vamp Erotica

The Ordeal (part one)

Upstairs. Now.

Wrestle