Sexuality Happens

Today, I fly out to Florida to visit my grandfather, my aunt, and her partner. It’s going to be a very interesting trip. Why? Well, for a few reasons.

1. Sometimes my mother is cool, politically active, and involved. Sometimes, she makes me cry and has chosen to not support me in pretty much anything (work, school, medical issues, moving to other states) I do/have done over the past few years. Sometimes, I worry about her health (she’s in her 60s, often tells me the same thing 3-4 times, forgets things, and has some medical issues). It’s an interesting relationship dynamic. We haven’t been close ever, but much less since my father died, and then since I went to grad school in 2006.

2. My sister and I also have an interesting relationship. It can sometimes be fine, other times very rocky, but I don’t know if it’s ever been defined as a “good” relationship. We’ve started saying “I love you” on the phone for the first time this year. We’re sharing a room.

3. My aunt’s partner is having a double masectomy and reconstructive surgery for an aggressive tumor the day before we get there. My aunt is a wreck, and keeps apologizing for messing up our trip. I keep explaining that this is what family does, and we’re happy to be able to help.

4. Said aunt is the one who, when I emailed her that Q and I were engaged, called my mother and told her we shouldn’t rub it in people’s faces, and that our relationship/sexuality needed to be a private thing. Very very very hurtful, and bit unexpected. That said, I think her partner’s illness is making her more open to our open-ness.

5. Despite me breaking down and using the term girlfriend (rather than the preferred “partner”) to refer to Q, I don’t think my grandfather understands that Q and I are dating/fucking/together. He may still think we’re roommates. I plan to explain our relationship as “just like my aunt and her partner” and see how that goes.

6. My grandfather’s current partner (my grandmother died before I was born) is emotionally and mentally abusive. And she refuses to let my aunt in my grandfather’s condo. So all interaction with us + aunt + grandfather takes place in restautants or our hotel.

So as you can see, while most people would be excited about a trip to Florida for four days, and find it relaxing, this is just going to be a ball of stress, diffusion and care-taking for me. I’d really love a real vacation, but for now, this is what I’ve got. 

Wish me luck. I’ll be around on Twitter for sure, so keep in touch there!

-Essin’ Em

Part of this post is part of my 30 Days of Letters blog endeavor. This would be Day 2, a letter to my partner/crush. However, it also just so happens to be Q’s 25th birthday, and so I’m combining it.

First of all, today is Q’s 25th birthday (she likes the TMNT a lot, hence the graphic). If you feel so inclined, leave a comment here, or head over to Q’s Twitter with your birthday wishes. Happy birthday baby! No more young driver costs on rental cars — w00t!

And now, my letter.

Dear Q/baby/stud muffin/etc,

I love you, period. I love you more and more every day. I never knew I could love a person so much, and in so many different ways, and more and more and more. I am so happy every single day of my life to have you in it.

Thank you for putting up with me. With my crankiness in the mornings, with my epic fear of bugs (although I did kill that one — I really do hope you’re proud of me, as it was one of the scariest moments of my life), with my messy house style, with my animal print obsession, with our cats and how they get along, with my late nights and travel, with my sex toys scattered around the house, with my pain issues and migraine issues and knee issues, with me being emotionally needy at times. Thank you for working on your communication skills, and for never leaving or going to bed angry (frustrated, perhaps, but never angry).

You do so many amazing things, and I am so incredibly proud of you. The work you’ve done on the campus making it a safer and more inclusive place for LGBTQ students, staff and faculty is just unbelievable, especially given not having a budget, having four campuses, 70,000 students, and the pay check of someone barely out of undergrad. You put your mind to something, and it will be accomplished; that is how dedicated (and at times, stubborn) you are. I just wish your job appreciated you more — you completely deserve it.

I know we have rough patches…whether it’s having to learn to live my my trips to doctors, hospital and ERs, or me learning to live with your sometimes wacky school schedule, we make it work. As gross as it seems, I just can’t even imagine my life without you at this point, so please don’t ever make me have to.

I’m always a little scared. Despite what might seem to be a tough and self-confident exterior, I’m always questioning. Am I pretty enough, am I smart enough, am I dedicated enough, am I good enough. When my knees came to the forefront of our lives, I questioned whether you’d think it was too much, whether you’d give up and leave me because it’s a lot of work, and emotion and scary as fuck to deal with all this. I know it’s hard, and so I will always question how someone can love me enough to deal with it. This has nothing to do with how much I love or trust you; it has to deal with me, and how I view myself. Please don’t let this push you away.

You’re smart, funny, witty, vibrant, silly, deep, introspective, hot, studly, and just over all the best partner (and cat co-parent) that I could ever imagine. Even better, in fact.

<3,

-Essin’ Em

This summer, Q has been playing on a softball league with people from work.  It’s every Sunday night, and I have gone, sat at, and watched every single game she has played in, except for one when I was recovering from my knee drama. Everyone. I am the only partner of a team member that has attended more than one game, and I’m the one people use to guilt their partners into coming to watch (“But Q’s partner comes to every single game — you can’t even come support me once?”). Before and after the game, we hug and kiss. During the game, I cheer for her (El Guapo) and the rest of the team, and make snarky remarks about how good her ass looks while batting. We’ve gone out to eat with the team after a game, and talked a little about wedding plans, held hands, etc.

Last Sunday, someone was looking for a pen. I had just lent the coach one, and he’d given it back.  The coach looked at the pen-less guy and said, loud enough for me to hear from the bleachers; “Need a pen? Q’s ROOMMATE has one.”

Roommate. Yes. He said that. Thank the mooses for Q, who quick said “Um, she’s my partner. PARTNER.” Now, the coach didn’t hear it, and he didn’t really care…but Q is usually not that assertive, and so her saying that made me feel better, and so much more validated.

Ok. Now if you had *just* met us, I could see using the term roommate, if you didn’t know. But wouldn’t it be more poignant to use “friend” if you weren’t sure of some one’s relationship status? Calling me her roommate is so fucking 50s. It completely discounts our relationship, which you have clearly seen, heard, and know to exist. It’s telling us we’re not good enough to have a relationship, that we can’t really be in love. We’ve been delegated back down to roommates.

Now, we almost exclusively use the term partner, and prefer people use the same when referring to us. However, in certain circumstances, we use the term “girlfriend” if that is the best way for someone (like our grandparents) to wrap their mind around our relationship. While I don’t particularly like “girlfriend,” if that is the best way for you to understand us, then fine, use it.

I don’t really like fiance either, because that boils everything back down to the wedding, and our relationship is so much more than a celebration of love. She is my partner every moment of every day…she’s only my fiance when we’re planning/talking about the wedding. But if you call her my fiance, or vice versa, fine. I can deal. At least you’re validating our relationship.

Call her my “special friend” (or me hers), and you’re in for a snarky comment like “yes, she is my special friend. My vagina’s special friend to be exact.” What the hell does special friend mean? But at least, with that, you’re implying special, as in more important that ordinary relationships, and friend, as in a chosen relationship.

With roommate, you have 100% completely invalidated our relationship. How dare you. I would never ever ever refer to your wife of however many years as “that lady you live with.” Not ever. So how can you, seeing our interactions, hear the terms we use and our wedding plans, relegate us to “roommates.” Fuck you.

She’s not my fucking roommate. She’s my lover, my partner, my friend, my fiance, my confidant, my muse, my kitty co-parent, my salvation, my amusement, and oh so much more.

Have you heard yet?

I’d like to let you know a little about Momentum Conference 2011 — a conference discussing sexuality, feminism, new media and much more. Created by Tied Up Events and the community at large, and sponsored by Fascinations, it’s taking place in Washington, DC, April 1-3 2011 and should be absolutely amazing!

Interested? Read below and check out MomentumCon.com for more information, to apply to present, and much more! I’ve already submitted my application, and I know others have too; it’s going to be an AMAZING conference!

-Essin’ Em

The phenomenal growth of online communication has given rise to an amazing amount of sharing, learning and experimenting with different expressions of sexuality, relationships and feminism. MOMENTUM provides a safe place to listen, discuss and learn about the ways the web has impacted our sexuality without the fear of reprisal or shaming. It is a space for acceptance and appreciation of diversity, including for those in the LGBTQ, sex-work, BDSM and non-monogamous communities.

During MOMENTUM we will discuss ways to bridge the baffling dichotomies our culture creates around sexuality. While on one hand we have unprecedented sexual freedom, on the other we continue to police sexuality with a frightening vigor. Abortion laws, restrictions on gay marriage, abstinence programs, medicalization of sex, fear of pornography and prosecutions for teenage sexting are examples of one side of the spectrum. The discomfort that strives to make us keep our sexuality hidden conflicts with the use of sex — especially the female body — to sell everything from food to cars to “performance enhancing” products.

Each participant will leave the conference with new perspectives, new connections, and a plan to carry the MOMENTUM forward into 2011 and beyond.

What do we have here? Its a vibrator that is a little different than what you’d expect. It’s a vibrator that is a little off the beaten path. No, it’s not Jaws vibrator, and an Abominable Snowman vibe. It’s just not quite your run of the mill vibrator.

What makes this vibe so incredibly different? Well how about that it is made of ice. Yep, you heard me, MADE OF ICE. Is that not cool or crazy or ridiculous or awesome or all the the aforementioned? What toy is this that I’m talking about? Why, its the Ice Vibe by Touche. The body of the toy is 100% medical grade silicone, the freezing cup is plastic, it comes with a little traditional bullet vibrator, and of  course, the actual part that winds up vibrating  is made of ice. I think this is the perfect toy to use in the summer to cool down when your love life is getting a bit heated up. I put more thoughts into the video about the ice vibe. Check out my video review.

As usual, a big thank you to Fascinations for the toy in exchange for a review, as well as video guy Matt who made the awesome video. The video is a bit old, but is never seen before, and now that it’s summer, what better time to share the Ice Vibe with you, right?

-Essin’ Em

By Jesse Hernandez

While in Colorado, Q and I had the chance to meet up with one of my BFF’s new relatives (since she got married). He’s this fabulous gay photographer, and as part of our celebration of love involves supporting “family” members as much as possible, we had him do our engagement shoot.

I can’t share a lot of the pictures of both of us, as I’m trying to respect our privacy (and particularly, Q’s), but this is one of just me. I look a little silly, as I’m still in my bridesmaid get up (and the dress was not only not the most flattering, but actually falling apart), and Jesse had me take off my glasses for it, and I feel like I look so odd without my glasses, but it’s a very dynamic photo none the less.

I love our shoot with Jesse Hernandez, and highly recommend him. He travels all over the US shooting big events (including lots of Prides, drag shows and more), and is a superstar. More over, he’s a good person with a great heart, and he made me and Q feel really special in some of the pictures he took.  Thanks Jesse!

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday to everyone!

-Essin’ Em

This is part of my 30 Days of Letters blog endeavor. This is day 1, to my best friend. It’s hard, because I have two very very close friends, but I’m going to choose my friend E for this activity.

Dear E-

I’m so glad that more than a decade ago, I chose you out of the random pile of applicants to be my assistant as the head of customing for Charlie’s Aunt. I don’t know what my life would even be like if I hadn’t met you.

Most people meet us, and don’t get how we can be friends. You’ve always loved pinks and purples and flowers and sweet, and I’ve been for the red, black, animal prints and sassiness. Yet despite some of our decorative differences, we have been just the best of friends. From deep talks on feminism and sociology over the phone, to rocking out at various concerts, to our hours-long lunch dates when I was unemployed, you’ve always made me a priority in your life, and I appreciate that so much. I love that if I haven’t heard from you in a week, there is suddenly a call or a text from you, reminding me that we both play an important role in each others’ lives.

I’m having a hard time with you being married now. Not because it’s any different; you two have been together years, and have been living together. It’s more that it’s just a hard situation to get out of, and I’m not 100% sold on your love. Sometimes, he can be the sweetest guy in the world, and I can tell how much he loves you…but sometimes, he’s just a jerk (even his sister agrees). I feel this will always be a slight feeling of awkwardness between us, but maybe I’ll grow to like him. I mean, you did…you had to change your mind after blocking him on AIM.

I love that you challenge me. I love that you make me think about who I am, and my beliefs, and how I communicate these to people around me. I love how much you support me when I’m down, in pain, unemployed, in loss (Athena), breaking up, and more. You are really one of the few people that is there for me, irregardless, throughout my life, and I hope you know that I recognize that.  When I moved to PA, you still were my best friend. Same with my current life in AZ. I can’t say that about everyone; I have a lot of friends whose strength of friendship is based on location…you are certainly not one of those.

Thank you, my dear, for being such a strong support and driving influence in my life. I appreciate you every single day, and I can’t wait to move back to Colorado to spend more time with you (and learn to like your husband). Oh so much love!

-Essin’ Em

Today was/is my father’s birthday. It’s still hard for me, even though it’s been 11 years since he died.

I was such a Daddy’s Girl, but not in ther traditional sense. We’d play catch, he taught me how to use a bow and arrow, how to disect worms, how to tumble/polish rocks, how to dig a hole to make sand candles, how to start a fire using nothing but sticks, how to french braid hair, how to tie square knots, how to check the oil and tire pressure in a car, how to summersault, and many other important and silly things.

Every weekend, we’d either go check out garage sales, or thrif stores. He taught me how to bargin, and when to give in. We’d play with erector sets, and in his workshop, building things…including a 2 story play house in our back yard.

For his birthday, we’d go to Moroccan food, every year. Not just good, tasty Middle Eastern food, but full on 5-course Moroccan meals with belly dancer that draped their scarves over you, and if I was lucky, would let me try to balance the sword case on my head. Very exciting for a 6 or 7 year old.

Today, I’m not sure what we’ll do. We usually celebrate his life on the anniversary of his death (April 23rd), but this year Garnet Joyce was in town to present, and Q needed my help chaperoning her school’s Queer Prom that night, so I didn’t get to. Usually, we go get good food and I try my hardest to finish a beer (my dad drank just one beer a year — we’d go out, and he’d say “bring me your best beer” and that’s what he’d drink) and talk about him. We didn’t do that this year in April, so maybe we’ll do that tonight…or try to find Moroccan food, or something.

You never get over death. It’s been more than a decade, and yet every day I hear “August 3rd,” I automatically connect it with his birthday. And so, today, we celebrate. We celebrate an amazing man who I wish so hard could be here today, could meet Q, could be silly with me, could be so proud of what I’ve accomplished, who could celebrate with us.

This one is for you Daddy…

-Essin’ Em

So as some of your may remember, last year at Sex 2.0 in DC, I shot for GoodDykePorn.com with the lovely Sabrina Morgan. In the last year plus, I’ve decided to work more on shooting actively from behind the camera, more as a videographer and/or director. This May, I participated in Shine Louise Houston’s Point of Contact project, and then back in June, I was lucky enough to get to shoot a local butch/femme identified couple for Good Dyke Porn.

May I introduce the hot and sexy Dylan Starr and Dani Starr, a real life queer couple based in AZ? They had a fun shoot, with a little bit a fantasy, a little bit of kink, and a whole hell of a lot of steamy sex; oral, anal, toys, kissing, and much more. I loved getting to shoot them; I hope you enjoy watching them just as much!

Click here to see their shoot (and a ton of others) on GDP!

I’ve now seen this on both Britni’s blog and They Belong to Us, and I’ve chosen to participate in honor of a new month and such. Basically, the gist is that you write a letter a day for 30 days. It’s part self-awareness/reflection, part writing prompt, part free therapy. Now, don’t worry, I’m not going to subject you to 30 days full o’ letters; your regularly scheduled toy reviews, thoughts, rants, and eye candy will still be available. These will just pepper in throughout the weeks/months. If you too decide to join in, please comment and let me know. Day 1 will start sometime this week.

-Essin’ Em

Day 1 — Your Best Friend

Day 2 — Your Crush/ Partner(s)

Day 3 — Your parents

Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)

Day 5 — Your dreams

Day 6 — A stranger

Day 7 — Your Ex-partner/love/crush

Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend

Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

Day 15 — The person you miss the most

Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Day 17 — Someone from your childhood

Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be

Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

Day 23 — The last person you kissed

Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Day 28 — Someone that changed your life

Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror