Sexuality Happens

I read parts of this at Sizzle last month while in San Francisco presenting at Feminia Potens.  It was for an open mic dealing with sexuality and disability, and this is what I came up with (as well as an erotica story).  I thought I’d share…

-Essin’ Em

I’m here to talk about the intersections between sexuality and disability.  I want to tell you about the man in a wheelchair who was suspended in rope, wheel chair and all, and was ecstatic at the chance to be flying high above the dungeon. I want to tell you about the woman who was in so much pain from sculliosis, but discovered that when her sir gave her a good beating, she could eroticize the pain and work through it.  I want to tell you about the quadrapelicic woman that spent a good chunk of time exploring and trying new things with her partner, and eventually could experience sexual pleasure when he stroked her cheek in just the right way. I want to tell you about the first time I found someone who understood me, and check in, but didn’t try to do everything for me, and made me feel like a sexual goddess, despite not being able to do many of the sexually constructed things that people do when they fuck.

But how can we speak of intersecting sexuality and disability when we can’t even validate people’s sexuality or disabilities? When we create this hierarchy, we prevent people from exploring the rest of themselves, from getting to figure out who they are and how all of this fits into other parts of them. Instead, people are fighting to even be seen as who they are.

I sat in my hotel for a few hours this morning, trying to place my swirling thoughts onto paper, to share with you what I so often say. To sound cool, and interesting, and part of performance piece.

Do you know how hard it is to pull words out of your head, put them down, and make them sound right when you’ve got a cloud of painkillers fuzzing up your brain and pain radiating up through what feels like every joint and your entire body?

It’s difficult to say the least.

We’re in the technology age, so rather than crumpled pieces of paper all over the floor, I have minimized word documents, all begun so well, and then trailed off into a narcotic induced rant of the parellel between my Femme identity and my identity as someone who is disabled.

What it all boils down to is the fight for recognition, and the desire to just be, and not fight anymore.

My gender is often invisible to others. People see me as alternative, and often times as straight. I experience more anti-Femme hatred and bigotry in the queer community than I have experienced anti-queer sentiment in the rest of the world.

My disability is often invisible to others.  Unless it happens to be a day where I’m walking with a cane, or someone sees the epic travel pill pack that follows me everywhere in the deep depths of my purse, people don’t see me as disabled. In the community, I am told that I should consider myself “lucky”  that I’m not MORE disabled, not more visible.

I don’t want to fight to be who I am.  I don’t want to wear rainbow necklaces or name-drop “my ex-girlfriend” in order to be seen as queer in the queer community, and I don’t want to go flashing my handicap permit or show off my scars in order to be recognized as someone with disabilities by others in the same boat.

I fight the mainstream every day just to have accessible buildings and parking, and to get the same rights as everyone else; to share insurance, to not be fired for my orientation, and more. I do not have the time, energy or patience to fight within my own community.

When did we create a hierarchy of oppression?  I look more queer than you do, therefore I’m a BETTER queer.  I have a disability that affects more areas of my life, therefore I’m MORE disabled than you are.

If we cannot support each other as members of the same community, how can we work on intersections of identity. I’m a queer femme sex educator kinky perverted disabled Jewish awkward snarky cat loving tea drinking oh so horny person. How can I accept all these part of me, if the individual parts themselves are rejected by the community?

How can I even start to think about my sexuality and how it relates to others when others cannot relate to me based on who I am?

I am disabled, but that doesn’t disable who I am. I am still sexual and fun and deep and witty and queer and kinky and all these parts of ME. I want to be who I am, not spend my energy fighting to be seen, but rather, integrating all of me into my sexuality, into my life, into this magical and wonderful world.  I wonder, is it really that hard to do?

I went to Portland for my first time ever back in May, and loved it. Oregon made me feel so much like I was back home in Colorado.

We’ll, I’m happy to be going back to Oregon this Thursday, although to Salem rather than Portland. Why? Well the fabulous feminists/sex positive folk who own Our Enigma have been kind enough invite me to do my How Many Licks? Adventures in Cunnilingus workshop THIS Thursday, Sept 23rd at 7pm.

Where?

Enigma

1326 State St

I just found out from my doctor (a voicemail, no less) that my thyroid? Which the blood work came back negative on, but felt enlarged, so he ordered lots of test? Well, it’s covered in lots (aka “dozens”) of cysts. Apparently, no nodules, which the message said was good, but lots of cysts. Which may or may not be benign. I have to call an ENT on Monday and try to get in for biopsy.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m cursed. Like I did something, as some point in my life, to set me up for all of these health issues. So far, just this year, I’ve dealt with my usual knee pain, arthritis, bursitis in my hips, allergies, migraines, and chronic pain. Fine. But I’ve had to add on a rapid weight gain (30 lbs in 6 weeks) all in my stomach for not apparently reason (no change in diet or exercise), a blown up knee filled with fluid, a 5-day-long almost unstoppable migraine, a cervical cancer scare, and now this.

I’d just like to go six months, SIX MONTHS for mooses sake, without any NEW health issues. Not no health issues at all, just no new ones. I can’t afford it, they are completely depressing, and I have no idea why or how to make them better. I’ve tried Western med, herbal remedies, acupuncture, massage (which does help migraines but is super expensive), reflexology, cranial sacral therapy, etc. My next thing to try is reiki  and energy work, if I can find an affordable practitioner. Nothing seems to help, and these issues just seem to keep coming at me. I don’t know what to do.

End of mini rant. You were warned, by the title.

-Essin’ Em

Ok vampires, you may have met your match. Behold:

Not really, but I think it’s still a great idea. What is it? Well, Tantus made a new sex toy called the Vamp. It’s basically a 100% silicone dildo. What makes it vampire like?

First of all, it’s a much harder silicone than many of their toys. It feels quite firm, like the alabaster like penis possessed by a certain vampire written about by a certain member of the LDS church.

But it gets better, and even more Edwardian, if you will; if you take it out in the the sunlight, it sparkles. I’m not even kidding. Full on sparkly goodness, just like E.C. Does it sparkle under regular light? Not at all, which kind of makes it even more awesome.

Third thing to make this a vamp-tastic sex toy, almost Cullen-esque? You can freeze it, to make it cold, just like Edwards naughty bits.

Now, can you free any silicone dildo? Yes. But the rest of them aren’t as firm, and they certainly don’t sparkle in the sunlight, making this really a unique item in the Vampire Sex Toy craze (think I’m crazy? Have you seen the vampire fleshlight? Yeah – it’s called the Succu Dry).

What about what I thought of it? Well, I liked the suction cup like base, that seemed to work pretty well on the side of the bathtub until I wanted to take a picture of it, and then of course, it wouldn’t stick, not for love nor money. Le sigh.

I like the silliness around it. I LOVE sex toys with stories behind them. However, I wasn’t that impressed with the actual toy itself. It’s fairly true to penis shape (which is good — Tantus hasn’t had a ton of realistic cocks before, so I’m happy they did it with this one), which my own body parts don’t happen to be a fan of. And the silicone? A little bit too stiff for my own personal taste. It didn’t really hit the G-spot, which is pretty important to me, and so I was kind of let down by the actual use.

However, I am a sex toy collector, and actually have tons of unopened toys that I’ve collected just because they’re cute (like the whole “I Rub My…” line — I just need the penguin and the fishie, and my life will be complete!). I totally will be boiling the Vamp, and putting it out on display, like the amazing Vampire Parody Penis that it truly is. It’s a MUST HAVE for any serious vampire or sex toy collector.

As a side note, some other reviewers have love love loved this toy. I didn’t. Please make sure you read lots of reviews before you decide whether it is or isn’t worth it, as opinions vary.

-Essin’ Em

Toy was given to me, for free, in exchange for an honest (and pervy) review. Ta-da!

Tree tattoo my left leg. Artist: Molly "Tsunami"

While I was in Denver in July, I had a new tattoo artist (who is now my absolute favorite) create a custom piece for me. I wanted a beautiful tree, but it was important to me for it to have solid roots. I had it done in Denver, where my roots are. I wanted the tree to kind of match the rest of my tattoos, both in style and coloring, so it has swirls, and mostly black with a hint of red. This tattoo ties the two genderless people on my back for my favorite tattoo. It makes me so happy.

I had a weird reaction to the red, so even two months later, it is still finishing healing, but the black is good to go. I think it looks absolutely stunning, and represents me to a T: always grown, and flowing, and changing, but firmly anchored, both to my home and to my passions/beliefs.

This fabulous artist is Molly “Tsunami” Christopher, in Denver, Colorado. Both Q and I had work done by her (plus she offers beautiful custom work, life time touch ups, etc, and is super cute to boot) and would both highly recommend her.

While my leg isn’t the traditional kind of “Nekkid” per se, it is showing a piece of me, baring who I am. So Happy Half Nekkid Thursday to you all!

-Essin’ Em

Hey all!

If you’re in NY, or any of the surrounding areas, or want to meet a bunch of sex bloggers, sexuality educators, porn stars and more, all in one place at one time (while supporting sexual freedom), then read on. Well, read on any ways. I’m one of the calendar models this year — here is a picture from my shoot (although not one IN the calendar):

Photo Credit: Marty Carstens

Hope to get to meet you in NYC!

-Essin’ Em

New York, NY (September 10, 2010) – Tied Up Events enlisted a group of the most dynamic online sex-positive writers, models and porn stars from across the nation and Canada, along with a stellar group of photographers to create the 3rd Annual New York Sex Blogger 2011 Limited Edition Calendar.

This year’s calendar will raise funds to support Woodhull Freedom Foundation. Woodhull is a national organization whose mission is to affirm sexual freedom as a fundamental human right.

Woodhull envisions a world that recognizes sexual freedom as the fundamental human right of all individuals to develop and express their unique sexuality; to be personally autonomous with regard to bodily integrity and expression; and to enjoy sexual dignity, privacy and consensual sexual expression without societal or governmental interference, coercion or stigmatization.

Woodhull is dedicated to expanding the national dialog around sex and sexuality and to being the resolute national voice that consistently raises the interconnections between various identities, communities, and the issue of sexual freedom as a fundamental human right.

Portraying Visions of Sexual Freedom in the calendar are Bad Bad Girl, Brandon B, Coy Pink, Dangerous Lilly, Essin’ Em, Gloria Brame, Jiz Lee, Lillith Grey, Luna, Matthew Lawrence, Max Lagos, Mollena Williams, Nina Hartley, Radical Vixen, Sadie Smythe and Sovereign Syre. A full biography of each calendar model is available at http://www.sexbloggercalendar.com/2011-models/.

The calendar launch party will be held on Friday, October 1st, 2010, at Fontana’s, 105 Eldridge St, NYC, from 6:30 – 9:30. Not only is the party free but the first 200 guests will receive FREE gift bags stuffed with $10 gift certificates from Fascinations, fun items from Bachelorette.com, Pearl Drop vibes from Good Vibrations, cock rings from Professor Oni and Sugar and Crystal Delights, free porn cards from Hot Movies for Her, pens and a special surprise from Whore Magazine, Eros Lube courtesy of Tabu Toys, a coupon for a free vibrator from Pleasure Chest and much more.

One of the highlights of our parties has always been our raffle with its phenomenal prize packages and this year is no different. Our sexy raffle prizes include the ultimate sex toy – the Njoy Eleven, an erotica libraries donated by Alison Tyler for Pretty Things Press and by Cleis Press, photo shoots by several notable photographers including JM Darling, a bible purse and three year membership from Kink Academy, a rope kit and gift certificates from Maui Kink, a gift bag full of hand-made sensual goodies from Williamburg’s Shag, a leather collar, cuffs, leash, flogger and sexy t-shirt from Stockroom, romance baskets from My Pleasure, OhMiBod and Vibrators.com, a silky, sensual Lelo blindfold and Evolved vibrator from Tabu Toys, two (2) all access passes to Cinekink, the kinky film festival, a gift basket from Good Vibes, and, because our generous supporters keep adding items every day, more.

Our party would not be a Tied Up Events production without some sensationally sexy performances. Produced by NYC’s one and only, N, of Crimson Kitty Productions and Auralfixia, there will be spoken performances by Carol Queen, Nina Hartley and Dylan Ryan, sensual belly dance by Luna and burlesque performed by Lillith Grey of Gloryhole Girls and, of course, N. Go-go dancers will also be weaving and shimmying their way through the crowd. Also featured will be Professor Oni, the founder of Lifestyle Images and the first and only “Endorphin Engineer” brings his Bakushi (Japanese Rope Bondage Artist) talents to the party in a unique “Decorative Micro Bondage Salon”. Using rope as fine as 1mm in diameter, he creates custom designs on hands, feet, bodies and even hair. This bondage is not for restraint, but rather for relishing and releasing the beauty within and without each and every body

If you are unable to attend the launch party, you can still buy your limited edition copy of the calendar directly through the Sex Blogger Calendar website.

About the NYC Sex Blogger 2011 Limited Edition Calendar:
For the latest news, a complete list of bios of each sex blogger featured in the calendar, our sponsors, and our Community of friends, please visit the NYC Sex Blogger Calendar Website (http://sexbloggercalendar.com).

This is part of my 30 Days of Letters  endeavor. Today, I’m writing to someone I don’t get to talk to as much as I wish I did (it’s Day 10). Of course, I write this to my friend Annabelle. She’s one of my two best friends, and I miss her terribly. She moved to Seattle, WA after undergrad. I usually get to visit her there about once a year, and between our schedules, locations, and respective lives, we only talk maybe once or twice a month now.

Dear Annabelle -

I miss you. SO. FREAKING. MUCH. You helped me survive college. Whether it was helping me to figure out who I really was, or discussing how much I dislike wearing socks and sneakers, or making Kinsey do the cat “dance dance dance” or finding places to have a nice cuppa tea, or keeping me from going crazy when I was directing shows, you were my life force through that time. Not only that, but even when we were on opposite coasts as I attempted to survive graduate school, you always had interesting advice, and a way to cheer me up. Through out the past eight years, your smiles, tidbits, teas and care packages have helped me to keep my sanity.

I love that whenever we are in the same place, or finally are able to play phone tag long enough, that it seems like we begin where we left off, as if there weren’t heaps and ooodles of time between. I wish you lived near by, so that we could meet regularly for tea dates, and revolver belt sushi and book talk and cupcakes. You are one of the absolutely most wonderful people I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting, and I am honored to call you my friend, and to promote your first published novel. I am so ridiculously, incredibly proud of you.

For my part in the lack of chat, I apologize. My life has been a bit crazy as of late, but that is no excuse. I hereby state to you that starting now, I will do my best to do better…to call more, to email more, to facebook more, to snail mail more. You are far too precious to me to not get to be in contact with you more often.

You’re amazing. A rock star, one might say. I am so honored to be your friend, and I miss you like the buggering bloody dickens!

-Essin’ Em

While spring certainly isn’t sprungy, and fall isn’t quite making its way into the hot and deserty state of Arizona, flowers are always welcome in my life…and that includes orchids! More importantly, that includes the Orchid G vibrator, which is a slim line vibe with an awesome bulb at the end for fantastic G-spot stimulation. And thanks to Babeland, I’m giving one away! Thanks y’all.

How do you enter to win an Orchid G vibe? I need you to help my blog bloom with flowers, because I love them so much.

1st. Be 18+ (which you should be if you’re reading this).

2nd. Know that shipping is free only in the US – other wise, winner must pay.

3rd. Comment below with your favorite flower or flower combo (1 entry)

4th. RT this on twitter and then post here to show you’ve done so(1 entry per day). Example:

@EssinEm’s blog is blooming with her Orchid G giveaway (from @babeland_toys): http://essin-em.com/2010/09/giveaway-an-orchid-g-vibrator/

5th. Post link to here on FB. Comment here that you’ve done so (1 entry per day)

6th. Post link to here on FetLife. Let me know here you’ve done so (1 entry per day).

Deadline: September 21st, 2010, 11:59pm PDT.

And it’s time to bloom!

-Essin’ Em

Slow Enough to Scream by wynnesome

Welcome to Pleasurists, a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days. For updates and information follow our RSS Feed and Twitter.

Did you miss Pleasurists #93? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists #95? Be sure to read our submission guidelines and then use our submission form and submit it before Sunday September 12th at 11:59pm PDT.

Want to win some swag? All you’ve got to do is enter.

• Super Sexy Sucking Here Deadline: September 11th.
• Eden Fantasys Gift Card Giveaway! Deadline: September 13th.
• Jimmyjane Pink Lotus Birthday Giveaway Deadline: September 15th.
• Play in Luxury – Vida Lussuria Giveaway Deadline: September 17th.
• CBW Contest! Deadline: September 21st.
• 11:11 Designer Condom Cases Deadline: September 30th.
• Win an Ophoria A Chain Deadline: September 30th.
• Win a Sex Positions 101 Deadline: September 30th.

Looking for sexy posts other than reviews?

e[lust] #19

Editor

Scarlet Lotus St. Syr

Editor’s Pick

• Cobra Libre by Dr. Ruthie

While I’ve seen a lot of great men’s masturbation toys, it’s become clear that, largely, they fall into two categories: full-penis-length stroking sleeves meant to enhance the usual jacking-off motions, or anal toys meant for prostate stimulation. That’s why the arrival of the Cobra Libre, Fun Factory’s new vibrating men’s toy meant for relaxing, luxuriating stimulation to the glans (the penis head) was extra exciting for me.

On to the reviews…

Vibrators

• Glo-Glo A Go-Go Flicker Tip by Sammi
• Blush Pussycat Vibrating Strapless Thong by Evil Poptart
• Neon Luv Touch by buzzvibe
• Mini Wanachi by Mistress Kay
• Calypso 2 by Sammi
• Calypso 2 by Mistress Arabella
• Waterproof Clitoral Hummer by Jane Blow
• Sex A-Peel by Mistress Arabella
• The C-Spot by Lucid Obsession
• Metallic Water Shimmer by Sammi
• Throbbing Hearts by Mistress Arabella
• Fun Factory Ellove by Dangerous Lilly
• Couture Collection Amante by Kynky Kytty

Dildos

• Rose G-spotter by Kate

Anal Toys

• Fun Factory Wanda by True Pleasures
• Tantus Big Flirt by Mistress Arabella
• Deluxe Anal Douche by Red Vinyl Kitty
• Tantus Protouch Plug by Elodie
• Jollies Luna by Mistress Arabella
• Tantus Cody by ScottA

Toys for Cocks

• Tunnel of Love by Elodie
• Tunnel of Love by Femenina Deliciosa
• Cobra Libre by Dr. Ruthie
• Senso Cock Rings by Pretty Power Tools

Lube, Massage Oil, Bath Stuff, & etc.

• Sliquid Organics Stimulating O Gel by Essin’ Em
• Fancy Me Sampler Kit by HotMoviesForHer Sex Toy Crew
• Hot Pants Rocket Balm & Flower Balm by Marilyn
• System Jo Sweet Pomegranate by Femenina Deliciosa

BDSM/Fetish

• Liberator DeLashe by Mistress Kay
• Clover Clamps by Kate
• Pinwheel by Sammi
• Sportsheets Bondage Bar by Elodie
• LELO Etherea Silk Cuffs by Mistress Kay
• The Emperor by Mistress Arabella

Adult Books/Games

• Oral Sex 101 by Mistress Kay
• Multi Orgasmic Man by Jessie Beth
• 52 Weeks of Naughty Nights by Dylan
• Moregasm by Jessie Beth
• Best of the Best Women’s Erotica 2 by Dr Ruthie

Adult DVDs & Porn

• Performers of the Year – Sasha Grey by The Porn Librarian
• Exchange Student by FrzKey
• Tristan Taormino’s Rough Sex 2 by J.D. Bauchery
• Pantyhose by The Porn Librarian
• Resurrection of Eve by FrzKey

Storage

• Large Lockable Vibrator Case by Mistress Kay

Miscellaneous

• My Toy Cleaner by buzzvibe
• Tantus Suction Cup by Mystress Lady Evyl
• Trojan Fire & Ice Condoms by Jessie Beth
• Big Joe by Mystress Lady Evyl
• Semenex by Evil Poptart
• A Chap’s Stick by Marilyn

Despite the very small size of our bank accounts, we’re spending a night in Sedona this weekend. We went there last December for our anniversary, and we love it. It’s calm, quiet and BEAUTIFUL. If you’re of the more woo-woo variety, they have rainbow charms, and lay line vortexes, and more. Middle of the road, like Q? Mediation classes and labryinths to walk. Not so much for that, like me? Stunning rock formations, beautiful sunsets, veg friendly food, cute pottery and jewelry stores, etc.

We’re using a groupon for our hotel room (and massages!), and went up yesterday for a ridiculous time share presentation. Do we have the time or money to buy a time share? Absolutely not. But they’re buying us lunch, and by sitting through it, we get 2 nights in a hotel (lots of location options) and a 4 day, 3 night cruis, including airfare. It’s how we roll. I’m all about coupons and groupon and deals and getting free things. I’m a saver.

But more importantly, it’s important for us to get away. It’s so hard managing any relationship when both parties work full time, and irregular schedules (she works a lot of evenings, and I work evenings and I travel a lot), and you live in a state where it is always hot so between work and the heat you’re always just exhausted. We’ve talked alot about how we got into a coping rut, because that was really all we could do, moving in together as we moved to a new state and started new jobs.  We tried to make Denver a get away, but as I turned it into a work trip, that was really difficult.

Sedona is a way for the two of us to get away from work, from the cats, from the stress of bills, the struggle of our different cleaning styles, and just reconnect as us. I’d love to get away for a few days together, but that’s not currently in our financial status-ability, so even just two days and one night…a drive, a night in a hotel, dual massages, and a nice lunch, I hope that’s enought to connect again, to assure each other of our love, to strengthen our communication.

As people keep pointing out (to me, to twitter, to the world), relationships aren’t easy. And relationships where there is love and/or sex involved? Even less easy. If you live together, even more difficulty. However, although they are hard, and they are work, the right relationships are worth the struggle, the tears, the discussions, the compromises, because in the end, that person(s) is there for you, supporting you, loving you, and you right back at them.

I usually tell people that if you’re not happy 75% of the time in a relationship, that it probably isn’t the right relationship for them right now. Q and I have talked, and we’re both about 90% happy with us. Some things, like work schedules, we can’t change. However, we CAN change other things; how we communicate, when we communicate, how well we listen, our wants and needs, etc. And that, however difficult, is worth it, because this relationship is far more than worth it.

-Essin’ Em