Sexuality Happens

Happy Halloween!

Tried to get a better picture of our pumpkins, but unfortunately, I can’t seem to find my card reader for my camera, so we’ll rely on the pictures from Q’s cell phone.

Q carved the pumpkin on the left, I carved the one on the right. Not very pervy, but I’ll work on it. I like my giraffe, but ultimate goal is to be able to carve a rocking vulva into a pumpkin — how awesome would that be. Maybe next year.

Anyways, happy halloween to one and all! It’s one of, if not my favorite of all the holidays. It’s pretty non-religious, it involves fun dressing up, carving pumpkins, drinking apple cider, and of course, lots of CHOCOLATE! What’s not to love?

Have fun, be safe, and I look forward to seeing lots of pictures. I’m going as Rosie the Riveter (We CAN Do It!) and Q is going as “party in my pants” — complete with invitations.

Happy Halloween!

-Essin’ Em

I got an email, assumably from someone’s agent (I’m not quite sure), promoting an article about labiaplasty. For those of you who don’t know, this is plastic surgery on the labia. To make them look like some fictional, non-existant norm.

Let me reiterate what I say in every god damn class I teach. Vulvas are like snowflakes; each is unique, and beautiful just the way it is. I hold up Vivianne, my vulva puppet, and explain that sometimes the outer lips are biggers, but sometimes the inner lips are bigger. Sometimes the lips (either set, or even both) can be uneven.

There is NO reason, aside from a painful accident, to EVER, EVER EVER. Get labia plasty. Period. You are beautiful just the way YOU are(or your partner/friend/lover is beautiful just the way THEY are). Some of these surgeries require epic amounts of money, time, recovery, sometimes being put under…and sometimes, (often) the clients are still not happy with their vulvas.

Well, it turns out this article is PRO-Labiaplasty. Someone, somewhere, put me on a press list for fucking PRO genital mutilation articles…because that’s what non-emergency labiaplasty is. Genital mutiliation. The end. So I wrote back, asking if they had send me this because how atrocious and ridiculous this article was, supporting women cutting up their genitals to have some sort of “perfect” or “ideal” vulva that just doesn’t even exist.

Her answer?

This article was sent with the belief that women are allowed to do what they want with their vaginas and that there are far more atrocious things that can be done to them than labiaplasty.  That said, we find the article and subject matter interesting, and wanted to pass it along.

Thanks,
Amanda Z***********

Globalpost

THERE ARE FAR MORE ATROCIOUS THINGS THAT CAN BE DONE TO THEM OTHER THAN LABIAPLASTY. Um. What? I mean, if you’re going to count sexual assault, then yet. It doesn’t happen specifically to a vulva though — it happens to the whole person. I can honestly not think of anything worse happening to a vulva specifically than having it cut up. For not reason other than some non-existant ideal. Possibly losing most/all sensation in said lips.

I’m sorry, but while I support everyone’s right to make personal choices, I do not support our society telling vulva owners that they aren’t good enough, and so need to cut up their area of pleasure to appeal to some made up, bull shit standard.

The article itself, in the Global Post, did have one redeeming paragraph (out of two freaking pages talking about porn stars vulvas (NOT vaginas, btw) being the models for women who come in wanting vulva surgery because they want to look “perfect.’  The paragraph?

Virginia Braun, a senior lecturer in psychology at the University of Auckland, has also railed against the trend.

“We came to believe that, despite claims that they are about empowering women and improving women’s sexual pleasure, these surgeries were being recommended out of a misogynist disregard for women’s genital diversity and a willingness to exploit women’s lack of knowledge and confidence about their genitals,” she wrote in a study called “The ‘Designer Vagina’ and the pathologisation of female genital diversity: Interventions for change,” published in Radical Psychology earlier this year.

Otherwise, fuck this. Anyone who tells me that their are many worse things that can happen to ANYTHING is making excuses and creating a hierarchy of oppression.

Well, she sure did give me something to write about, although I’m sure it’s not the way she expected.

Love every vulva. Irregardless. The end.

-Essin’ Em

So, taking a break from the more traditional sex toys like vibrators and the like, I thought I’d get me a set of the newest Lelo pleasure objects; the Lelo Boa Pleasure ties. Of course, although they come in many colors, I went for black.

They are made out of this beautiful satin (or satin like) material, and have D-rings (like those nylon webbing belts that you used to love), and then apparently little “pearl sacks” on the end to provide weight. As far as how they looked, they certainly looked beautiful, luxurious, and like some naughty fun. They came in a more traditional Lelo box, which was great for arriving, but I had a hell of a time getting them to fit BACK in the box. I wound up storing them in one of my collection of sex toy storage boxes, for ease of storage.

Now…I’m sorry to say it, but as far as practical use, these sucked. Period. I mean, you don’t want to tie knots in the fabric, because then they are hard to get out, or if you can get them out, they leave kinks in the nice fabric (and not the hot and sexy kind). Sooo…once you get someone’s wrist or ankle in them, pull the fabric through the D-ring…you know have someone’s limb secured, but no way to actually secure it to anything else. And the pearl sacks (which are just an odd concept to begin with) don’t actually provide more than a few ounces of weight, so I’m not sure what they are supposed to weight/hold down/counter balance. I wasn’t impressed, to be honest. I think we tried using them 2 or 3 times, and just gave up. It was much easier to use cuffs and ties that were actually meant to be used, instead of designed for look and not for action.

Instead, I’d recommend these sexy cuffs with under bed restraint system if you’re really looking to tie someone up, or even just this cheap cotton black Japanese rope for a little bondage action.

Nice try Lelo — these ties look beautiful and elegant, but honestly, just don’t cut it for more than sittin’ pretty. Stick with your amazing vibrators — you have yet to go wrong there!

-Essin’ Em

This is day 15 in my “30 Days of Letters” endeavor.  Hurray! This means I’m half way through, even if it is taking me a few months to get there…This one is supposed to be to someone I miss the most. That is so hard for me–I miss lots of people, for various intervals. I miss Q when we’re apart, even though I know we’re coming back together. I miss seeing fellow educators in the gaps between seeing them. I miss my best friends E and A who don’t live in the same state as I do. I miss so many people. However, I’m trying not to duplicate who these letters are to, so I’m going to write it to L…a good friend in Denver who I dated for a month or two, but has morphed into an amazing friend and great person to have in my life.

L -

Thank you for being there for me. We both have crazy schedules (hello, you were on the fucking Warped Tour this year!), but regardless, you always do you best to make a little time for me, whether it’s coming to a class of mine, getting me free tickets to your show, driving me to the airport. I miss you, your smiling face, your constant optimism about life and the world around you. I miss how you always see the best in people. I miss how my crazy antics embarass you, but also amuse you to the point that you’re not going to stop me from doing them.

Who would have thought I’d have met such a great friend at the DMV, trying to pick her up with ridiculous lines about cute tattoos and being new (again) to the city? Not I. However, I’m glad I put myself out there.

While our relationship is not like some of my friends, who I talk to on a weekly (or more) basis, I miss you because you are always willing to help out…even if it takes a day or two to call me back. You’re up for fun and adventures and creating change and helping people, and personal growth.

I miss you, and I can’t wait to be back in the same city as you!

-Essin’ Em

Dear AJ–

You were one

Excerpt from ShannaKatz.com…

When I was 10 or so, I discovered the wonders of the internet. It was back in the mid-90s, before most people had access, but my father was a computer scientist, and I was rocking out on Mosaic, way before IE or Eathlink or Netscape or AOL made their brands so popular. I didn’t use it for much, as there wasn’t that much info out there pertaining to me, but I did have an email, and learned how to search.

Around the late 90s, I was in my “oh em gee, want to learn everything possible about puberty and sex” and after my parents exhausted the info available at the local library, I was lucky enough to discover Scarleteen. It was still quite young back then, but it was knowledge, and that was something I was desperately hungry for. More importantly, it was more than just information; it was interactive. I could learn from older teens, from educators, from people my age. I became obsessive about checking the forums every day. It was a way for me to connect, to get information, to teach myself about sexuality, to have my questions answered, and to get to know my body.

I didn’t really get any sort of sex education from school until I was a Junior in High School (age 14), and accidentally ended up in a Parenting and Child Development class (amusing, since I definitely didn’t want and don’t want children). In that class, we spent a good week or two on birth control and contraception. I got 100% on every assignment, and impressed the teacher, as I already had learned most of this info from Scarleteen.

High school was hard for me. I graduated at 16, so I was always about 2-3 years younger than most of my peers, and that caused endless taunting and worse, being ignored. I had my inner circle of friends, of course, but more importantly, I had the knowledge that on Scarleteen, I was equal. My questions and answers were just as valid as a popular cheerleader, or another braniac. To me, sex education was my great equalizer. I might not be cool, or popular, or the social ideal of beautiful, but because I had information that no one else had, I was still interesting. I might get teased, but people still wanted what I had (knowledge) and so I wasn’t the brunt of as much hate as I might have been.

Click here to read the rest of How Sex Ed Saved My Life.

I’m creating a list. A list of sex/relationship/LGBTQ/kink/social justice/feminist/humanist bloggers who have put up at least one post that has made you stop for a moment and think. Perhaps it was about sex and gender, or about your views of relationships, or some privilege you have that you hadn’t realized that you had yet. It can be anything that made you think, analyse, re-examine, say “oh!” — whatever it is that made you stop for a moment and step outside of your own view of the world.

Often, sex bloggers get boxed into a, well, a box. We’re suppoed to write reviews, erotica, and post pictures. Lots of people who are called “sex bloggers” don’t even identify as such. However, just because someone isn’t writing about the sex they are having, but rather about navigating relationships, combating sexual violence or struggling with gender, this doesn’t mean they they aren’t an amazing blogger that can really make you think.

This list is for all bloggers who write in the field of sexuality and social justice. When posted, it will not have a numberical order — rather, it will just be in alphabetical order, because I don’t know how you can really judge the quality of someone’s writing, as everyone has such a different style.

The few rules:

*Please don’t nominate yourself.

*Blog must have at least 15 posts on it, preferrably at least 6 months old (younger blogs often disappear, and then many of the list links are dead).

*Please comment with: The blog URL, the blogger’s online name, and at least ONE link to a post that made you think. You don’t need to explain why, but please include at least one think-worthy post.

*You can nominate up to 10 bloggers. Please do one comment per blogger, for ease of actually creating the list.

*Bloggers must be somehow related to the fields of sex, sexuality, relationships, parenting, kink, poly, monogamy, social justice, equality, etc.

You have until November 30th at 11:59pm to nominate. Feel free to post about this on your blog, tweet/facebook about it, ask to be nominated, just remember that you cannot nominate yourself. Please grab the button above (made by the AMAZING Dangerous Lilly) — just please host it yourself (thanks!).

And so it begins…

-Essin’ Em

Q and I are pairing up with another local queer and engaged couple, as well as some of our kinky friends, and we’re all attending a local wedding expo today.

We wouldn’t be going if there weren’t free tickets…but they did give out free tickets, and so despite not being particularly interested in local venues/companies (since we’re having our celebration in October 2011 in Colorado), we’re going. We’re creating visibility and conversation about there not always being a bride/groom binary (or even a bride/bride), as neither of us identifies as such. We’re getting wedded next year. We’re queer. And we are often invisible in this industry.

So while we’re not going to be booking any of these vendors, our goal is to make them stop and think for a moment. That’s it.

-Essin’ Em

I remember, not many years ago, when I said I’d never ever move for a partner.  I wouldn’t move cities/states to be with them, I wouldn’t move with them if their job required it, and heck, I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to move IN with someone. I was (and still am) fiercely independent, and I wasn’t really sure if I was ready to merge any part of my life with anyone else.

I had a dream the other night about my ex before Q…the ex named F. No idea why I was dreaming about her, but it wasn’t a good one. She was rude, and mean and aggressive, and she had a list of things I supposedly owed her for — for part of Athena’s medical care before she died, for rent (even though we never lived together), for a car etc. Now, she didn’t give me or lend me a cent while we were together. I lent her money, I bought things for her, I let her essentially live with me after her house was broken into, and I drove her around for weeks when her car was impounded. I put a lot of emotion on the line for her, but also a lot of fiscal and “helping your life work” energy out there…yet here I was, dreaming that we had in fact merged our lives, and post break-up, she was trying to drain all of it out of me.

See, even now, almost 2 years in with Q, I still have anxiety (albeit about my ex) about living together, about changing my life to be with someone else. But despite that, I’ve changed a lot as well.

We’re moving back to Colorado in the spring, that any powers that may be. However, Q found the perfect most amazing job for her…in New York. She doesn’t think she’s quite qualified enough, and given the industry, she’s probably not even going to get a phone interview. But you know what, I told her to go for it. Apply. Just do it.

Living with Q…well, more specifically, being in a relationship with her, has made me a more relaxed, less stressed and OCD person. I’m willing to embrace change more, I’m more ok with going with the flow, and not only did I move in with her, but I moved my life to hell Arizona for her work. And you know what? Not only have I survived all of this, and am still a fiercely indepenedent person, but I have grown, and become a better person over all. Despite my hate of living with others, I love living with Q. Despite my distain for moving for a partner’s job, I found an AMAZING job here in Arizona, that I will keep when we move back to Colorado. And, I have found a partner who respects me, my quirks and kinks, my weirdness, my disability, my odd habits, and is 100% willing to let me be me…regardless of what that looks like.

Change is scary.

Change is constant.

Change is good.

I love myself and my growth, and all that my relationship with Q has had to do with all of that. Here’s to change!

-Essin’ Em

This is a newer vibrator on the American market — the Chippendales Diva vibrator, availabe in either Black or White. Obviously, I went with black, as I love it when toy companies take heed of my words, and make sexy black toys, or red toys. Plus white gets too visbility dirty.

I loved the packaging. I personally like having both a satin bag AND a nice, good quality box option for storage purposes. Q does not feel the same way, and finds the box to be really annoy and taking up to much room. Each to their own I suppose.

It came with the box, the bag, the toy, and a little booklet. Simple, elegant, I actually really liked the design of the toy. However, once I saw that this took AAA batteries, I knew it was not for me. I personally like weapons grade sex toys, like the Hitachi Magic Wand. Luckily for me, and for you, gentle readers, Q likes less intense vibrators, and was quite willing, once we were finally able to find a AAA pack of batteries (we tend to use either rechargable or toys taking AA batteries), to try it out of the good of the blog, and report back to you her thoughts on the vibrator.

So now, without further ado, I present my guest interview of the Chippendales Diva Vibrator from my partner Q.

Thoughts over all: It was ok. I didn’t like the box it came in, because I think it’s too bulky. However, I know you like it. The toy itself looks nice and sleek, and when I started using it, I thought it was going to be awesome. The problem was that neither the vibration level or the frequency were what I needed.

Would you use it again?  No. I used it for a bit, but couldn’t get off with it, and found it frustrating. Wound up having to finish up with the Onye, my good ol’ back up hitter. I wanted to like it, since it looked sleek and inviting, but honestly, I can’t say that it really worked for me.

What would you suggest they try to improve it? More power. Different vibrational frequency. Less on the packaging and more on the toy itself.

All in all, it seems like the Diva offers lovely packaging and a beautiful design, but doesn’t quite have the power needed to back up the rest of the stunning toy. I’m hoping they’ll refine it, and come back with another version, as I really do love the sleek and sexy black design.

Click here if you’d like to try it for yourself.

-Essin’ Em

This picture is from last weekend’s RACK Room party. I went with my moose Evey…she as a good conscience, me as a bad conscience. I’m sure you can imaging the devilish and angelic outfits that we each rocked out in. There will hopefully be a picture of the two of us at some point, once I can find out who was taking those pictures.

But for now, enjoy my horns…and not much else!

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!

-Essin’ Em