Sexuality Happens

This is day 14 in my “30 Days of Letters” endeavor. This one is supposed to be to someone from whom I’ve drifted away. After some thought and also seeing her while I was in Denver…I think this goes to my HS friend AJ (short for Angello-Jello)

Dear AJ–

You were one of the only people who was a true friend in HS. Not a best friend, no…we weren’t quite similar enough for that. But I want you to know that I STILL have some of the letters and poems you wrote me while I was at Chatfield. I have them tucked away in a box in my childhood bedroom, because those were some of the nicest things that people have ever sent me/done for me. You made my stressful and sometimes incredibly depressed life worth living. Please never forget that.

I saw you last weekend, at a mutal former friend’s wedding…say that three times fast. Now, the time I had seen you before that, you were doing really good. Still a little self depreciating, but good. Not last weekend. Every sentence out of your mouth was about your weight, about how you didn’t deserve to eat, about how no one would ever want to touch you, etc. Not ok. You are one of the most self sufficient, intelligent, witty, sarcastic, and inwardly awesome people I know. Yes, you’re pretty too…but I love who you are, all of you. Period. I just wanted to take you in my arms, toss your coping mechanism (a beer) aside, and try to drum into you what an amazing person you are. Because you are. You are now, you were in HS, you just always have been. Humorus, talented, and a good friend.

I wish we had stayed in better touch. You’re busy, I’m busy, it happens, I know. However, I make this committment to you that when I move back to Denver, I will make a huge effort to make you a part of my life again. You’re too amazing (and I love your snark too much) for you not to be in. So whether you like it or not, prepared to be loved. By me, by our mutal friends, by my cats. I hope you’re ready for it, and I’m sorry we let us drift apart.

I love you. Period.

Essin’ Em

I support sex education. Obviously. And I’ll be participating in this carnival over on ShannaKatz.com this Friday. However, I think it’s important that EVERY share their stories of sex education (good, bad and non-existant), and support this amazing resource that provides FREE sex education and answers to questions for teens, youth, and anyone that needs information. I donated to support Scarleteen – what about you?

-Essin’ Em

The Scarleteen Sex-Ed Blog Carnival is set to run October 15th through November 15th and we’d love if if you’d take part. We’re featuring posts about your experiences with sexuality education and the importance of the kind of positive, inclusive and trustworthy information Scarleteen provides to young people.

***Find a list of participants and banners for use on your site here!***

We probably don’t need to tell you how important good, accessible sexuality education is, nor how important a safe space for young people to talk about sexuality is, particularly in light of the tragic events in the last month that showed too clearly how some  young people are still all too unsupported, and many young people’s lives could be improved or saved if the level of sexual education they receive was more compassionate, truthful and positive.

Throughout the month expect to see posts from a selection of amazing writers from the sex-positive, feminist and skeptical blogosphere. Also, Heather Corinna will be publishing advice columns written by herself and guest authors every day of the month on Scarleteen.

What Scarleteen Needs: Last year, Scarleteen needed increased donations in order to get through the end of 2009 and into 2010, in large part because private donations for a few years previous had been so low and left us in a very financially precarious position. We increased our financial goals to reflect the need for a minimum annual operating budget of $70,000. Thanks to generous contributions from our supporters in response to that appeal, while we were not able to reach that level, we were able to raise what we needed to not only get through 2009, but were able to use the funds wisely to sustain the organization through 2010.  Our goal now is to continue to work toward that annual operating budget. Ideally, we would like to see a minimum of $20,000 in individual donations each year to combine with funding from private grants. In order for that to happen, we need for current donors to keep giving, and we also also need to cultivate new donors.

This minimum budget is exceptionally cost-effective for the level of service we provide, especially compared to other organizations and initiatives whose budgets are far higher, including those which do not match our reach and our level of direct-service. If you would like more details about our budget and expenses, just contact us via email and we’ll gladly share that information with you.

I’m home, I’m alive, I had fun in Colorado and absotively posolutely cannot wait to move back to the Denver area next spring with Q. If you hear for any social justice oriented, non-profit and/or higher ed jobs in the area that would fit someone with a Master’s of Social Work and experience in all of the above, please let me know.

In other news, I can totally feel myself getting sick. So with that, I’m going to guzzle some off brand Emergen-C, drink a boat load or two of tea, and crawl into bed with a box of tissues. Wish my moose was here to make me some yummy soup…luckily, I at least have Q who made me truffle mac and cheese with capers.

More posts (particularly more interesting ones) to come!

-Essin’ Em

I did this last year, and think it’s worth re-doing…

-Essin’ Em

I got this idea from the brilliant site Feministing.com. Of course, now that I’m going back to try and find some of their examples of things they could do without, I can’t for the life of me find their posts. Bah, humbug.

Regardless, here is my snarky list o’ the week of things I can do without. They actually aren’t really in any particular order, just as I’ve thought of them.

10. The assumption that the average woman should be a 36-24-26, size 2, 36DD, blonde, etc, what have you. People are beautiful in so many different ways, different sizes, different colors. The average size in America is a 12-14. AVERAGE. Not a 2. 2 is a fine size. So it is 22. Let’s stop being so fucking ridiculous in our expectations and searches for perfection. People of ALL sizes, from 0 on up to 32+ are all beautiful people. The end.

9. The Tea Party movement, and I don’t mean Alice in Wonderland. Some of those people are really scary…like, they make George Bush look like a bedtime story.

8. Straight men who think that they can turn queer women straight. Straight women who thing they can turn queer men straight. Queer women who think they can turn straight women queer. Queer men who think they can turn straight men queer. Monogamous people who think that everyone should be the same. Non-monogamous people who think everyone should be the same. It’s just rude. Kinky people who want to kinkify non-kinky people. In every direction. Why are we so eager to change other people’s identities?

7. Hypocrites. Nuf’ said. They piss me off. A lot.

6. Those who do not recognize their privilege. I understand that you cannot change certain things (race, gender, age, ability, etc), and that you may not *want* to change certain things (class, appearance, etc). However, that does not excuse not recognizing that you HAVE that privilege. Do with it what you will, but at least own it.

5. Laundry. I really hate having to do it. And it takes forever, and I never have enough quarters, and our washer is broken, so I have to carry them to the laundry room, up stairs, and it’s just horrible. If I never had to do it again, I’d be estatic.

4. People who feel like they own the road/bad drivers. You *have* a turn signal. Please use it. Let people in occasionally, especially in heavy traffic, or when their lane is ending. Wave a little instead of flipping people off. Don’t go freaking 20 over, drive the wrong way down one ways, back up the street, drive over medians, etc. Really, it’s easy. Just don’t be a douchehat. Simple as that.

3. Violence as a solution. Violence NEVER has a reason to be the solution. Talk. Go punch a wall. Go have sex. Go eat a pint of ice cream. When I say violence, I mean everything from domestic violence to wars, road rage to genocide. It solves nothing. Period.

2. Spiders. Really. Ugh. I KNOW they eat mosquitos, so I can possibly amend this to “spiders that are inside” or “spiders that are where I are, and/or exist in my personal sphere of life.” But they are terrifying AND dangerous. Especially in Arizona, where we have TARANTULAS.

1. How society drives us to feel better by putting people down. We judge others on their bodies, what they where, what car they drive, where they shop, where they go to school, etc. This tears us apart. We call each other sluts, whores, fat, etc (in non-positive ways). How does taking other people down build us up? And why do we let society control us this way? I do not approve.

What are ten things YOU could do without?

The lovely and talented Tristan Taormino was kind enough to send me a copy of Rough Sex 2, her newest movie, in order to jill off to it. I mean, review it.

Rough Sex 2 features a freaking fabulous cast of stars, including Dylan Ryan, Madison Young, Adrianna Nicole, April Flores, Claire Adams, Sinnamon Love and more. With a group of amazing performers such as these, you know that this is going to be a fabulous movie.

The first scene is with Mistress Dylan and her submissive Madison, who bakes her a lovely (and vegan) cake. This scene wasn’t really my cup of tea, as I personally am not so much into toe licking or much ass play, and this scene was pretty chock full of both of these. However, if you have a foot, ass, or food fetish, at ALL, this is a super hot scene. I just wanted a slice of cake myself. A fun scene, and a great way to ease into the film, as there wasn’t much in the way of S/M.

My favorite scene is next. Shocking, if you know me, as there is so much fucking pink in this bloody scene, and I am not known for my love of pink. However, the chemistry and laughter between April Flores and Claire Adams is just so incredibly hot…not to mention that there is not one, but TWO hitachis. TWO HITACHIS?!?! How freaking amazing is that? I love the pre-scene conversation between the two, the laughter, the sex, all of it. I wasn’t sure I was going to like it, and rolled my eyes at the pink, but honestly, it’s one of my favorite porn scenes I may have ever scene, and I watch a LOT of porn. Don’t skip this one, despite the pink and “lighter” SM.

One of my favorite pre- scene conversations was that with Madison’s pony play scene. Tristan is such a great mediator for rough sex negotiations, and I loved being able to really see her in her element as she talked with both Pony and owner. Kinksters can definitely takes some of her well directed questions to their own pre-scene negotiations, and I really appreciate being able to see them, in addition to the actual scenes themselves. The scene itself wasn’t so much my fetish, and once the sex started, I kind of tuned out, as it seemed a bit more traditional/mainstream, yet in a barn. However, watching Madison go through her paces, and whiny with excitement was pretty interesting and enjoyable to observe.

Adrianna’s, Bobbi’s and Sinnamon’s scenes were also quite interesting and fabulous — both the negotiations and the actual scenes themselves, and tended to epitomize the concept of “rough sex” in a more traditional light than the other scenes.

All in all, this is a great cross-spectrum look at hot fantasies by real people (who just so happen to be porn stars) living out the rough sex that actually turns them on. There isn’t much of the stereotypical leather and dungeons that people often think of when talking about rough which I love, because it shows diversity of fantasies.  Good job, as usual, to Tristan for her great look at the spectrum of sexuality.

Click here to get your own copy of Tristan Taormino’s hot porn Rough Sex 2.

-Essin’ Em

As I’m getting to see my favorite Moose tomorrow, also known as Evey, I thought I’d post a picture of the two of us, just to give you some ideas of what craziness is going to go down tomorrow night at the RACK Room’s Skull FuK (Fetish und Kink) party. Evey is going as an angel, and I a devil, as good conscious and bad conscious. 

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday all!

-Essin’ Em

I’m heading back to the land of my dreams, Colorado, for a long weekend. What shall this weekend entail?

*Hopefully cooler air. Arizona is still pretty frakking hot.

*Doing a sex toy party for my sister’s sorority and visiting the new Fascinations store in Colorado Springs.

*Doing an on air interview with Lewis and Floodwax Thursday morning.

*Teaching What’s Up with the Butt: Anal Sex 101 on Thursday night, for free, at 7pm, at the Fascinations in Aurora.

*Visiting with my moose!

*Seeing my BFF.

*Solidifying plans with the celebration of love venue for next year.

*Seeing the family..and such.

See you on the flip side!

-Essin’ Em

This is day 13 in my “30 Days of Letters” endeavor. This one is supposed to be to someone I wish could forgive me. This is hard, as I don’t think I know of anyone who I’ve hurt who hasn’t forgiven me…so while I’m sure there most be someone out there, I’m not sure who it is, or what I have done. Ergo, I write it to a person I’m not aware of.

Dear Person I’m Unaware Of…

I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you. I’m sorry for whatever I did, and I wish I knew, so I could apologize directly to you. I don’t try to hurt people, but I know that everyone messes up sometime.

So to you, I offer you my apologies, and an open invitation for dialogue.

-Essin’ Em

I entered a writing contest back in August. The prompt was to write approximately 1000 word about my coming out story. Here it is:

My coming out story isn’t just one day, or a week or even year. In fact, my coming out story isn’t finished. It is happening every day of every week of every year.

In college, I discovered the concept of orientation being fluid, and realized that I liked some of the women on campus. I joined QSA and EQUAL, and began to identify as bisexual. I told my mother and sister, and they reacted as expected; they didn’t really care.

Then in graduate school, I decided that I didn’t really like men anymore; I became a proud, flag-flying lesbian. I’m actually not kidding about the flag. I was a lesbian, and I liked women, and was attracted to women, and I came out to my friends and family and work and then…suddenly, I hit a speed bump.

Why? Well, I was suddenly dating someone that didn’t identify as a woman. I was dating a gender queer identified person. She didn’t care what pronouns people used to refer to him. When we were out and about, sometimes people saw us and identified us as a lesbian or dyke couple…other times, I could swear that people thought I was a twenty-something woman robbing the cradle with a 15-year old guy.

I loved this person. And this person didn’t identify as a woman. So I did what most young people in the middle of an identity crisis would do; I went online. And as I searched blogs and forums, I came across the term “Pansexual.” Ok, I thought. I can be pansexual, and be attracted to many people across the sexual spectrum. I was now a card carrying (I’m joking about the card) pansexual woman. Great. I started coming out to people as such on a regular basis.

In the midst of all this, I discovered something else about myself. Despite my angry feminist moments in college where I distained all things feminine as a creation of our misogynist culture and the patriarchy, I realized that while I didn’t embrace all or even most feminine things, my gender identity was developing, and it happened to have a Femme bent to it. One person I was seeing told me one day that I was “such a Femme.” I froze. I had always thought that being feminine or even a Femme was a bad thing, capitulating to social norms. But here I was, having spent almost an hour getting ready, getting a tingle in my stomach as my date opened the door for me, and a smile on my face as they brought me a drink. I had embraced the power of femininity, and I realized that even though I rarely wore heels and was allergic to pink, I am a Femme. Femme is my gender.

So here I was, a Pansexual Femme, and trying to come out to people. Trying to explain how Femme differed from female or woman was hard enough, but when I got into the term pansexual, people shut down. It was too academic, too different, too much. As I continued to prowl around online, I found that pansexual was a privileged term; it was mostly people in academia using it (and often just open minded bisexual people). I didn’t identify as bisexual, and I didn’t want a term that wasn’t accessible to everyone.

That is when I discovered the term QUEER. I was at a house party I’d been invited to by a fellow fierce Femme from roller derby, and I started talking to people about identity. At this party were people of all different gender presentations, from high femme to stud, gender queer and andro to trans folks of various presentations. And let me tell you, almost everyone at this party was smoking hot. I was trying to figure out how one would identify if you were a fierce Femme (IE, me) who was attracted to pretty much everyone in the room, and then, magically, I heard the term QUEER. It fit. It was perfect. It was me. It was an identity that fit me regardless of what I was wearing, who I was attracted to, what my own gender identity was, and everything else.

Now, as Queer Femme, I had to re-come out to everyone I’d already come out to. My family was open to it, but needed some education on the term queer. My co-workers were already reading Judith Butler and Kate Bornstein, so they got it. Some of my friends asked me what took me so long to figure that out, while others still thought of the term queer as a hateful term, and that involved much discussion.

When I moved to Arizona, the coming out process started all over again. Explaining my gender as Femme is always a hoot; people assume that unless you’re trans or gender queer, your gender is just a given. Mine is not. Femme is an attitude, a belief system, a presentation, and it is my deliberate gender. And here in Arizona, very few people understand my queer identity, and so it’s been an opportunity for education. My coming out story never ends, because I have to come out to everyone I meet, and everyone I’ve met, and because my identities are so fluid, sometimes I have to come out to myself.

The other day, my partner’s softball coach referred to me as her “roommate.” I was hurt and angry and frustrated. I’d come out to him already; as queer, as her partner, as her fiancé, and yet here he was, invalidating our relationship. So we both came out to him again. And will do so again if needed.

THIS is why coming out is so important. It creates visibility, and dialogue, and understanding, and these three things create change in our community. It is only with change that we can be seen as full members of our society, instead of second class citizens. So please, keep on coming out.

Happy Coming Out Day!

-Essin’ Em

We’re now allowed to show our pictures from the Sex Blogger Calendar 2011, and I love love love this picture. Thanks to Marty Carstens for taking this fabulous photo of me and Valerie (Vivianne the Vulva’s smaller cousin), to all of those people and companies who worked to put it on, and all of the other hot and sexy models who came together to raise money for sexual freedom!

Calendars are now available online — click here to buy your own! With Nina Hartley on the cover, and Jiz Lee in January (I’m in June), it’ll be a great way to celebrate the new year, and they make great, social justice oriented presents for the holiday season. Just saying…

-Essin’ Em