Sexuality Happens

Somehow, I am always grouped as a sex blogger…but as many of you have probably noticed, I honestly don’t blog about sex that much. I mean, yes, I do talk about toys sometimes, or how sex is or isn’t affecting my relationship…but I as of the last year or so, I haven’t written/published as much erotica, I haven’t shared very much of my sex life, haven’t posted any nude pictures. There are many many many reasons for each of these decisions, but regardless, these topics are no longer part of my posting.

So am I still a sex blogger? I mean, I’m writing about queer weddings and relationship drama and letters to people throughout my life. Is sex and sexuality a part of it? Oh yes. But I feel like I’ve become more a life style blogger, perhaps a relationships blogger, I don’t even know.

Ergo, my question to you; what defines a sex blogger? Is it sex toy reviews? Is it erotic stories of past times? Is it deep conversation into gender identify and presentation? How does one know if they are or aren’t part of this whole “sex blogger” community?

And with that said…where do I fit?

-Essin’ Em

Hey everyone!

Many people have ask me for suggestions for great ideas/suggestions for sexy gifts to friends, family and loved ones this holiday season. Here are some of my favorites that I recommend to you.

I’ve really gotten into sensual massage with soy wax massage candles. I particularly LOVE the Jimmy Jane Afterglow massage candles or Afterglow Sampler Set. Babeland also offer the candle together with the stone massager as a perfect massage kit:

Then of course, there is my all time favorite bedroom accessory, the Fascinator Throe by Liberator. This is a beautiful blanket (lots of color and pattern option) that is soft on one side, smooth on the other…and has a waterproof layer in the middle. What does this mean? Ejaculation, lube, food, sweat, wax, etc doesn’t make it through to your sheets/carpet/couch/wherever you have sex. And then it’s washable and tumble try. FREAKING BRILLIANT! I also love my Liberator Scoop as far as sex furniture goes.

Let’s talk vibrators. I love the Hitachi Magic Wand for people who like power, the Fun Factory Layaspot for first time vibrator users and/or people who want to share, the Lelo Gigi and the JeJoue G-Ki for perfect G-spot stimulation, the Lelo Ina for a rabbit style toy, and the Lelo Siri for a rechargeable clitoral vibe.

For dildos, I think the Tantus Vamp is still pretty popular, what with Twilight coming out. Anything by Vixen Creations is great, but I know that the HUGE Outlaw will be respected by some while other prefer the pretty sparkles of the Champlette. I know that the Njoy Eleven is sure on my holiday wish list! Anyone want to get it for me? And don’t forget to add in a super comfy harness like the Spareparts Joque to help your gift-ee strap it on!

Looking for someone who is in to anal? A Crystal Delights Plug to help them bling their bottom will be appreciated, as would any of the very many Njoy line of butt toys (Fun wand is great for anal AND g-spot). Just starting out? Try the Fun Factory Flexi Felix beads or the Ryder butt plug by Tantus.

For the penis possesser on your list, the Fleshlight is a must have for every penis. Does your lover/friend like prostate stimulation? Aneros prostate stimulator is a GREAT toy for the backdoor.. Don’t forget fabulous cock rings like those by Lelo Tor and the C-Ring from Tantus!

Don’t forget to add lube to all toy gifts! Water based lube is compatible with everything; I recommend Sliquid Organics or Pink Water for everything, but Maximus is PERFECT for anal, fisting, jacking off and more. If you’re not playing with toys, get your lover/friend/family member some silicone lube; Pjur Bodyglide and Gun Oil are the best! As far as stimulation gels, Sliquid’s Stimulation O Gel is my favorite!

Gifting to someone on the kinkier side? Try a nice set of restraints, a flogger color coordinated to their other toys, or maybe a sassy paddle to get them going. Stockroom is the place to go for all your kinky gift needs!

Have a nerdy type on your list? How about Ceiling Cat boyshorts, or even “I Can Haz Buttsecks” panties?

Want to help someone help themselves? I’d suggest a book or DVD.

Opening Up is wonderful for people looking at consensual non-monogamy.

The Guide to Getting It On is the end all, be all, general overview of all types of sexuality book.

I <3 Female Orgasm is a great gift for college age women looking to explore a bit of female orgasm.

Rope books like Midori’s Guide to Japanese Rope Bondage or Two Knotty Boys Show You The Ropes are fabulous as well.

Looking for porn? Try anything from Reel Queer Productions, or Heartcore Productions. Want something for someone who spends lots of time online? How about a membership to the Crash Pad Series or Good Dyke Porn? As far as educational stuff goes, Tristan Taormino makes a bunch of awesome sex ed guides that have info AND hot sex scenes!

Hope this has helped! Sexy and sensual gifts are almost always welcome, so it’s hard to go wrong, especially when you shop the retailers I’ve linked to. I’m also happy to recommend based on individual circumstances. Just email me at essinem at gmail dot com!

-Essin’ Em

As we try and mesh our backgrounds together (Q is a recovering Catholic and I’m an agnostic Jew), I keep discovering new things…about Thanksgiving, about Christmas, etc.

Um. On Demand has a FIREPLACE (apparently called the Yule Log) that will play as long as you want, whenever you want. If you don’t like fire, you can also choose a creepy snowman or snow falling on pines. They all come with holiday music (read: Christmas music — I don’t see I Had A Little Dreidal being played), but you can mute it if you’d like.

This makes me unordinarily happy. Despite being in the desert, I can have a faux burning fire and/or snow falling on pine trees. My life just got better.

-Essin’ Em

We never really celebrated Thanksgiving as a big deal when I was young. We had three relatives living in NM, one in NY, two in FL and five in Israel. When that’s what your entire family looks like, clearly, there is not so much with the get togethers around holidays.  I mean, we went to visit New Mexico every summer, my aunt (NY) and grandfather (FL) came to visit occasionally, and we all went to Florida about every other year to meet up with my grandfather, step-grandmother and aunt. For my father’s death, my uncle flew out from Israel for the funeral, and four of the five Israelis visited for my bat mitzvah and my sister’s bat mitzvah.  And that’s my family.

So for thanksgiving, I think my mother made a turkey one or two years (stuffing baked separtely, given that my sister and I are vegetarians), but for the most part, we partook in the amazingness of hotel buffets.

Oh my god. Hotel buffets do an AMAZING job for Thanksgiving. Huge salad bar, blintzes, make your own pasta options, and the dessert? TO DIE FOR. Even us vegetarians could get stuffed. So to me, Thanksgiving = buffets.

In 2006, it was the first year I couldn’t make it home for Thanksgiving due to living in Philly, so I shared it with J.D. Bauchey of Hot Movies for Her. It was interesting…very family centric, and very Jewish, so it felt comforting to me. The next year, I went home with Buttscotch Cripple of the Philly Roller Girls. Again, very family centric, very Jewish. Do we see a theme?

Fall 2008, I was back in Colorado, mostly single (relationship with F was tanking) and unemployed, drowning in medical debt. All I wanted for thanksgiving was to be less broke. Instead, we took a family weekend to a local resort, once against celebrating with a buffet. There is a picture of the three of us, my mother, my sister, and me. All in black on Thanksgiving. Not planned, but we look like the Addams Family…well, I might look more like Elvira.  THIS is what I think of when I think of Family on Thanksgiving…that, and how everytime we dine together as a family, they ask me if I’d like a separate check…as though it is so obvious I don’t belong.

Last year, we had just moved to AZ, and Q and I started the tradition of remembering ThanksTaken — how we invaded a land not our own, and proceeded to kill off the indigenous people’s while we (we being white people — obviously not we we being the Jews from Eastern Europe) “celebrated” having found a new home.  Because honestly, that’s what Thanksgiving is.

This year, it’ll be the two of us, our three cats, and one of Q’s friends, once again remember the massacres that took place to celebrate such a holiday. I’ll make green bean casserole (trying this for the first time ever) and mushroom stew, Q is making garlic mashed potatoes and shitake stuffing, and will buy a pre-cooked mini-bird from the grocery, so we don’t have to cook it in our place.

Now, if it had been important to me and my family growing up, or if perhaps I wasn’t a vegetarian….then maybe this would be different. But it wasn’t, and I am, and so, I get ready to remember what we have taken from others in our quest to celebrate the new life we were “given.”

Wishing you warmth, love and deep thoughts on this holiday,

-Essin’ Em

Lots of people are participating in the Holiday Wishlist activity. Please take a moment to check out these lists, and see if YOU can grant someone’s holiday wish or wishes. At the very least, it’s fun to see what people want…and at the most, you can really make someone’s holiday season with something you have just lying around.

My list is here: http://essin-em.com/2010/11/holiday-givinggetting-wishlist-2010/

True Pleasures’ List is Here: http://truepleasures.blogspot.com/2010/11/holiday-givinggetting-wishlist-2010.html

Dangerous Lilly’s List is Here: http://dangerouslilly.com/2010/11/holiday-blogger-givinggetting-wishlist/

Dusk in Chains’ List is Here: http://duskinchains.wordpress.com/2010/11/17/holiday-wishlist-2010

Mistress Kay’s List is Here: http://kinky-world.net/?p=4024

Julietta’s List is Here: http://juliettia.wordpress.com/2010/11/21/holiday-wishlist/

Screaming Violet’s List is Here: http://www.screaming-violet.com/2010/11/gift-giving-holiday-wishlists/

The Blogging Slave’s List is Here: http://thebloggingslave.com/?p=2200

Lucid Obsession’s List is Here: http://lucidobsession.wordpress.com/2010/11/23/holiday-blogger-wishlist/

Do you have a wishlist? Comment with the link and I’ll put it up here! Everyone can use a little extra sharing/extra love during this time of year.

-Essin’ Em

A couple of weeks ago, Q and I got in our first “big” fight. With her being a social worker, and me having a background in counseling and communication, our fights usually consist of;

“I don’t like XYZ.”

“Don’t you think you’re projecting on me a little bit?”

“Maybe. But even so, I want more ABC in order to feel more fulfilled in this relationship!”

“Ok, what does more ABC look like to you?”

And then we talk a little more and our “fight” is over.

However, a few weeks back, we had a real fight. Over something relatively stupid, but on going, so it kind of built up into more of a blow out. We had a house guest at the time, so there wasn’t any yelling…but it was the first time Q got up in the middle of our intense conversation and left. Now, she was just going out of our bedroom into the living room to sleep on the couch…but that wasn’t what it seemed/felt like to me. I have a HUGE fear of abandonment; my dad died when I was 13, I’ve had friends from over a decade stop talking to me and pretend they don’t know me, and significant others who just peaced out. When someone walks out of the room, who has never done it before, in the middle of a big arguement, it feels to me like they are walking out of my life.

I tried to remain calm. I sat in bed, waiting for her to come back and finish the conversation, like we always do. She didn’t come back. So I left the apartment to walk around the complex. She didn’t come after me. I couldn’t believe it — I had once told her that if I ever left out of hurt or anger, it was incredibly important that she come after me, because I needed that from her to show me she still loved me and cared enough to come after me. She didn’t.

Finally, I headed back to our place. I hung up my keys and coat, and told her to take the bed, because I sure as hell wasn’t going to get any sleep that night, so I’d take the couch where I could read/watch TV. I then asked her when she wanted me to move out by…because in my mind, her leaving our conversation, walking out of the bedroom, and not coming after me had morphed into her ending the relationship. I then prompty burst into tears…which turned into sobs, and ended up in her arms.

Eventually, I calmed down enough to have conversation with her. We both talked about things that had been bothering us and might have fueled that argument, even if they hadn’t been brought up. We made a better game plan. And eventually, we went to bed together, after midnight, said I love you to each other and went to sleep.

I KNOW fights happen. My best friend is married to a guy that she used to have pretty big fights with bi-monthly, calling me in tears. She seems happy now, and tells me that they have tiffs, but that it makes it a stronger relationship. I KNOW it’s supposed to be normal to have the occasional big fight.

However, we’ve been together almost two years, and it’s the first BIG/REAL fight that we’ve had…which made it seem like an anomaly to me, and scared the wits out of me. Luckily, because we love each other, because we pretty much get each others’ communication styles, and because we both care about making this work, we made it through. And while hopefully the next “big” or “real” fight is months or preferably years off, I’ll be a little less startled and feel a little less abandoned by the next one.

-Essin’ Em

Today, November 20th, is National (and International) Transgender Day of Remembrance. In the last few years (and this video is from last year, so there are more names and faces to be sadly added), over 100 people have been murdered for their gender identity/presentation. This doesn’t even take into account the hundreds and possibly THOUSANDS of people who are assaulted based on their gender, and tens of thousands more who are harassed each and every day.

Please watch this video. Again, it’s a year old, so many people are missing, but if you cannot take nine minutes out of your life to remember those who we have lost due to violence against the transgender community, what does that say? After you watch it, please think for a moment, or two, or ten, what YOU can do to create change in your community, in our community. How can we make it stop? This is completely unacceptable and heartbreaking. No one should have to be scare to leave their home due to their gender, and they should certainly not be scared of being killed. This is flat out wrong, and regardless of your politics, or religion, or moral views, is is NEVER ok to hurt and/or murder someone because of who they are. Ever.

If we don’t stand up and create this change, no one will. Stand up for people who are being harmed and whose voices are being heard. Create change, NOW. And always, always remember those we have lost.

-Essin’ Em

From 8am MST to Midnight MST TOMORROW (November 20th), every single item on the Fascinations site (Funlove.com) is 25% off. A One Day Sale for sex toys, lubes, romance gifts, books, DVD, lingerie and more!

What does this mean?

25% off the Njoy Eleven!

25% off all the lube you can use!

25% off educational DVDs!

25% off erotica AND sex ed books!

25% off bath/body gift baskets and the Kama Sutra Collection!

25% off sexy lingerie!

25% off ceiling cat panties!

How can you argue with this? Go forth! Enjoy! And don’t forget upcoming holidays, birthdays, etc — this is the time to stock up! Head on over to Fascinations, November 20th ONLY for the One Day Sale!

Today’s review is courtesy of the great sex positive company Babeland. It’s of another rechargable clitoral stimulator/rechargeable vibrator the B Curious.

As we know, I love the option of having rechargeable vibrators, because not only is it less annoying than having to find random batteries at the last minute when your batteries in your vibe die in the middle of sex, but also because they are easier to travel with and are far more sustainable. 

However, the problem with many of the rechargeable vibrators is that they are pretty expensive — many of them break the $100 price point. Are they worth it? Mostly yes, especially the Lelo line. On the other hand, lots of people cannot afford to stop $150 on a single toy, so I really was excited when this toy came out, as its price point is under $75, yet is still rechargeable. Love it!

Regarding the color choice that they went with (there are not color OPTIONS, there is only the one that it comes with), I love the black, but dislike the pink. Is anyone surprised?

Charging it was easy, and it actually packs a decent amount of vibration for its size and weight. It was actually WAY lighter than it looked — I’m used to more heavy/hefty vibes, so it took some time to get used to. However, for the price and size, I was actually pretty impressed. It’s very similarly shaped to the Fun Factory Layaspot (a GREAT first timer’s vibe), but unlike the Layaspot, it is rechargeable and a bit more light weight.

It’s much better (as far as shape) for use on yourself than trying to hold and use on others — it’s shaped oddly for that, and is hard to hold if you’re trying to put it on a partner. Can you make it work, yes, but it’s not ideal.

I think that this is a great first time vibrator, or even a first time rechargeable vibrator for someone who likes the Layaspot and wants it to be more sustainable, or for someone who wants the Lelo siri, but can’t yet afford it.

Click here to get your own B Curious Vibrator at Babeland.

-Essin’ Em

Warning: Wedding post. Will occur approximately monthly!

We’re being very conscious in how we plan this celebration of love. First of all, we’re calling it a wedding, and a celebration of love, but certainly not a marriage. To us, this is a bringing together of friends and family, a celebration of a relationship and love that we have together. It is not a legal transaction, it is NOT a marriage.

Do you know how hard it is to be social justice oriented queers trying to plan a wedding when the entire wedding and marriage industry is based a) on hetero couples and b) on spending outrageous amounts of money to look like some sort of society’s goal of “perfect” for all of one day? It’s just ridiculous.

We’ve finally found a venue — it’s an affordable hotel with a TAG rating (LGBTQ friendly) that basically includes almost everything. My dress is going to be a corset top and a skirt that is being given to me by a lingerie company….and I’ll have to take to a seamstress to make it fit the I want it to. We’re still trying to figure out if Q will be in tails, or nice pants and a vest….but I think that an ascot tie and possibly a top hat are definitely on the list, at least for pictures. My best friend A is making the Chuppah cover, and I’m going to figure out how to Home Depot-ize the rest of it. My moose is making our cake toppers to look just like our three kitties. 

I love that people are helping out by creating, making, donating, etc. This is truly OUR community’s celebration of our love, rather than what some stupid magazine or show tells me what our celebration of love it. Megan helped me find more black metal wrought iron candle holders at thrift stores last week, and Catherine says she may have some more as well.

We’ve decided on mini pumpkins with people’s names on them, where they can put their pumpkin wherever they’re planning on sitting (with color coded ribbons for vegetarian, vegan, gluten free, etc). We both love halloween, and while we want the wedding to be more of a Victorian elegant, we also want to include fall as part of it.

It’s still a good 10+ months away, but I’m enjoying the planning of it, and the flauting of the “proper” way to be wed. I love that we are still staying true to ourselves, and not selling out into the social constructions of a wedding.

I’ll post maybe once a month, so people don’t get sick of it…this isn’t really a wedding blog, nor is it an erotica blog, or a sex blog, or any of that. It’s a me blog, and I like it that way.

-Essin’ Em