Sexuality Happens

Ever since we took our trip to Sedona this August, I’ve been interested in trying energy work.

Now, if you know me, you know that while I’ve certainly tried non-Western medicine (accupuncture, reflexology, cranial sacral therapy, etc), I’m not much for what my friends often call “the woo-woo” stuff. I like my toilets to flush, I (while vegetarian) am not gluten free, and I shamefully will never use blood rags or pee clothes. Yes, I’ve made my own clothing, and tried raw food for meals, and like quinoa and loose leaf tea, but I’ve never been associated with the more spiritual side of things.

More so, when I dated F, she made me even less likely to want to experiement in this venue. Whenever we fought (often), she’d pull out crap like “clearly, you can only love with your head, not with your heart” and “I’m out of tune — you’re throwing me out of balance” instead of actually having a conversation about what the problem(s) was/were, and how we could work on improving our relationship.  She told me to stop taking migraine meds and just do Magnesium (that fucked shit up), that I didn’t need pain killers or surgery because clearly Arnica would solve all my knee problems, and that when sick, oil of oregano would fix me (it didn’t — I felt HORRIBLE for 2 weeks). Given all of that, and how she also rationalized doing ‘Shrooms because they were all natural and it was connecting to mother earth, you can see how I might have wanted to gain some distance from this perspective.

However, since Sedona, I’ve decided that it is very closed minded of me not to be willing to try and accept new experiences, and on the way back, Q and I talked about how I’d like to try Reiki to see if it could help with some of my joint pain and/or migraines. Well, what do you know, but the Weekly Plus coupon a week or two later was for an energy balancing with a reiki master (more energy centric than reiki, but still the general theme).

Finally, I was able to schedule my appointment this past Saturday.  I went in, no idea what to expect. The center where this took placed also offers massage, reiki, waxing, electralysis and chiropractic services…so I had no idea what to make of it. My “guide” or “healer” (what is the right terminology here?) was very nice.  However, when we sat down, having just met, and she told me she had made a list of her observations about my energy before having met me, my eyebrows raised.

Now, much of the list was accurate. A few things weren’t. I was trying to keep an open mind, but a) saying stuff like “you have a love-hate relationship in your life — what is that about” can apply to pretty much anyone at any given time. Some things were more specific, like my bad relationship with my mother, or the piece of my heart that is empty due to the loss of my father. I just had a hard time not questioning all of this…and a little voice in the back of my head kept nagging me that all she’d have to do was google my name, and she could have found out pretty much all of this.

That said, we talked about my chakras (root and the top were fine, my sacral was off to the left in the feminine, my solar plexus was depleted, torn and stealing people’s energy, my heart one was open but felt cold, my throat one was torn and hurting and empty, and my third eye chakra had a tight band around it, possibly causing my migraines), and then I hopped on the table, trying to clear my mind and listen to the music while she touched some of my joints and some of my chakras, letting her angels guide her as to where to place the energy.

So here’s the thing. I’m still not sure how I felt about this. She said I took and held the energy well, better than most first timers. I did feel more relaxed, but my overall anxiety hasn’t change, my pain and migraines are still here, and I have a new very sore pain in my upper shoulders, despite the tons of water I drank and the Epsom salt bath I attempted to take (as per her request). I’ve tried to touch my solar plexus when I feel needy and tell myself I’m really ok, and tell Q that I’m ok just letting something go, or moving it until tomorrow.

So did it do anything? Or did it just increase some of my self awareness, as a counseling session might? Did she truly read my energy, or was it what is commonly known as a “cold read” or the result of a google session?

I honestly don’t know any of these answers. She gave me a returning deal of 50% off another session, and I might give it a try. I can’t afford therapy right now, nor do I have the trust in my doctor to work with me on finding an anti-anxiety medication…and I either need to figure out some form of relaxation or release soon, because something has got to give. I am too stressed and too emotional not to make changes in my life.

I’d love to hear about other peoples’ experiences with energy work, to see how they felt, reacted, changed, etc,…or not. I am doing my best to keep a very open mind, and would love to hear from you.

-Essin’ Em

This is day 16 in my “30 Days of Letters” endeavor. It is supposed to be written to someone from my childhood. Interestingly enough, I had a dream the other night about my elementary/middle school art teacher. My school was lucky enough to have an amazing art department with real chalk pastels, spinning wheels for ceramics, frame stretching for oil paintings, etc. I write this to her.

Michelle-

I’m not sure you know how much of an impact you had on my life. In fact, I’m sure you have no idea.

From the time I was 5 to 13, art didn’t mean cheap water colors gotten from the dollar store, it meant figure drawings in charcol, pieces created out of clay, paintings that still hang on the walls in my mothers house. It didn’t matter if I was any good at it; you were always so supportive, none the less. You had ideas to teach, techniques to show…and even though sometimes we were loud and obnoxious and ridiculous like children are wont to be, you had a smile on your face.

I connected with you more than with any of the other teachers I had. I still have the beautiful picture of a horse you created for me for my Bat Mitzvah. That’s right; I’ve carted it around with me for over 12 years, not only because it is beautiful, but because I like having that reminder of you in my life.

Art was my outlet, especially clay. Whenever I felt sad or lonely or frustrated or depressed, there was something amazing about smashing clay against the table, pounding it over and over again, only to then create something I saw as beautiful out of nothing. Talk about an amazing life lesson.

I’ve been inspired to start up with the creativity again. I honestly haven’t done anything artsy since I left that school, save designing some costumes for plays and doing theate make up. No painting, no drawing, no clay. I miss it. I still remember the first water color I did for you, when I learned that real water colors come in tubes, and that you can use salt as a technique, and how we put random items in a normal scene — I did fast food french fries in a park. I loved that picture, and kept it till our house burned down. Because of it, and my memories, and your inspiration, I want to start up art again.

Thank you for creating such a wonderful safe haven for a kid, and then for a teenager. You have no idea how much you’ve given me, and I hope you know I appreciate it.

-Essin’ Em

I love me this holiday. Lots of cooking and singing and flaming candles and games with chocolate coins and retelling the story of the oil.

This will be Q’s second Channukah with me…and boy, does she love Latkes.

We also have continued my family’s tradition of channukah stockings, a way to meld traditions. 

Happy Channukah to everyone!

-Essin’ Em