Q - Updated: Q is my primary partner, the love of my life, the daddy of my kitties, my rock and so much more.  We live together in a 2-bedroom condo in Phoenix, AZ. She’s really smart, witty, sweet, caring, nerdy and awesome.  I met her at the Strap On workshop I taught at Hysteria in December 2008. Hot damn if she doesn’t fuck me well…she does fuck like a siberian tiger. And when I can’t move and am in so much pain, she brings me pills and ice packs and lies in bed with me stroking my hair. I love her more than words can say.

F - F and I were primary partners. We were together most of fall and winter 2008. She and I had gone to HS together, but not really been friends…we re-met when I was on a date with L, and really hit it off. She started out as a total submissive who hadn’t gotten to play before, but morphed into an excellent switch. We had a lot of kink play, from bondage to edge play to breath play, spankings, caning, orgasm control, forced orgasm. For all of our other issues, we connected really well during sex, had good sexual communication, and fucked good and hard for hours.  Like more than two dozen orgasms at a time.  Also, the first person who has fisted me.  We’ve since broken up. However, as the Denver dyke scene is very tight, and the Denver kink scene is close knit, and we’re both kinky dykes, we ran into each other a lot, and we’re cordial.  She is now in AA, which I really support her for.

Ms. S – Local Denver Domme who owns a dungeon, and is hilarious and a ton of fun to play with. She’s the one who did fire cupping and some violet wand play with me. I like her a lot as a person. She also teaches at Hysteria. She jokes about being a creepy old lady playing with people in their 20s, but I feel much more comfortable her than I do with lots of kinksters my age.

S- A long time crush, interesting person with deep thoughts and lots of fun overall. We had some fun and amazing sex when I was in SF, and other fun and adventures. First (and only) person I ejaculated with, and there were other firsts. A really fun, really enjoyable and completely satisfying experience.

Miss P and Miss D – Friend of mine who have now become very good friend’s of F.  Both are part of a local female domination house, and I’ve played with both. I kind of feel weird now, since we played when F and I were together, and now they play with F, and Miss D and F shot a kink set (porn) for a site together, right after F backed out on me for CrashPad. So yeah. They’re really nice and fun though.

L – L is the lovely person I met and hit on at the DMV the first week I was back in Denver, channeling Sinclair to be forward and slightly suave. We went on a few dates (she’s the one I broke my foot with), and then actually, on the same date where I met F, she told me that she wasn’t ready to be dating people. We’ve become really good friends, and hang out a lot. I’m in the midst of perverting her (and the lady she’s currently dating…who went to HS with my sister…oy) – she likes fire and electricity play now, and is totally a switch…I just don’t know how much she knows it. She also plays bass in an awesome band – Speakeasy Tiger.

M - Turns out M and I knew each other for a hot second in HS (M was a freshman when I was a senior, but we met briefly through a friend), and we re-met one night at the local dyke bar. M helped me to test out the Shunga Chocolate Body Paint, and we had a nice make-out session. Then I took M to a local play party, and later that night we had enjoyable sex, and interesting/awkward conversation (such at the whole “My anus is bleeding!” interaction). M is now engaged, and M’s finace is really nice and adorable. We still talk, and I just got Kate Bornstein’s book My Gender Workbook back, which M had borrowed.

Sasha Sappho - Sasha and I went to middle school together, and have reconnected.  We played at Thunder in the Mountains in 2008, but otherwise, are just really good friends. She now writes for the GLBTQ magazine in Denver and is freaking awesome!

KW - KW stands for Kinky Whore (by her own choosing). She was a good friend who I had made in Philly who screwed me over and completely cut me out of her life, really hurting me. That’s all.

C – I met C through a friend of mine in Philly who used to be a pro-domme, and was involved with Roller Derby. We hung out a few times, chatted, danced, etc…and in the week before I left Philly to move back to Denver, we had two amazing nights of fun, enjoyable, really connective sex. We talk occasionally on the phone, but not that often.  Amazing person.

K - K is…well. He’s intense. He’s smart. He’s interesting. He’s fucking hot. He’s…well, he’s K. I met K when I interviewed him as my replacement for my position at EdenFantasys when I left.  Biggest lust crush ever. I would have let him do pretty much anything to me.  I tried to flirt, and failed mostly, as usual.  We finally got to play at the Submit party in NYC and it was an absolutely blast.  He also made me cry when I really needed to and couldn’t.  We still talk on G-chat regularly, and he was helpful in talking to when Athena died. We hung out and he hit me (in a good way) when I visited NYC in May 09. A very cool person, and I’m glad he’s in my life. He’s also a FTM Pro Dom.  Email if you’re interested in sessioning with him.

J – J and I dated for about 6 months in 2007. We met on Craigslist (oh yes). First time I had my heart really bruised was when we broke up.  There were lots of issues with this relationship, like long distance, and age difference, and J being a sophomore in college and into drinking/drugs when it really wasn’t my scene, and me being more OCD about planning, etc. However, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. J was the first person I loved, and we had a lot of fun, tried lots of new things, and I learned a fuck ton about myself during and after this relationship. Also, the first person I fisted.  We kind of stopped contact on and off for about eight or nine months, but have recently reconnected. She now identifies as a high femme.  My mind is still trying to wrap itself around this.

The Asshole – First and only cisgender guy I ever had intercourse with. He also told me that I hadn’t really been sexually assaulted – that it was only a misunderstanding. He told me that rape was only perpetrated by strangers, and that domestic violence was only physical, never emotional or threatening. I left his apartment in tears, and have not seen him since…this was about three years ago. He tried to add me on Facebook recently. I declined.

Julius – Julius had been my best friend from about 7th or 8th grade.  He went to most of the dances with me in HS, even though we didn’t go to the same HS. We spent hours every night talking for years. He was my second “real” kiss. He was the first person to tell me that he loved me. He came to see one of my shows in college, and we hung out when I got back.  Then, about a week before I moved to Germany my junior year of college, we hooked up.  I never heard from him again. He blocked me on facebook, he didn’t return my email or hand-written letter. When I called him in 2006 before moving to Philly, he answered my call “accidentally” and then pretended to be someone else.  Last year, I wrote him a note on myspace apologizing for whatever it was that I’d done, and wishing him the best in life. He read it, but never wrote back. That’s Julius.

We’ve been fucking since January.  That makes it four or five months that we’ve been fucking/hanging out/sexing/making out/chatting, etc.  And unlike that majority of my past relationships (primary or secondary), I’m not getting nervous.  Well, not in the same way.

With J, after our five month period, I realized that things weren’t working as well.  There wasn’t the same spark, the same connection.  While we had a difference of opinion as to the preferential way to end things (J was of the break things off immediately mode, and I prefer to let things run their natural course and just fizzle out), it was pretty obvious that the relationship as it existed was on its last legs. We were together about six months.

With F, it was the most ridiculously cyclical relationship.  I’d get upset by the way things were going, get ready to explain that it wasn’t working for me, and then she’d do something that made me feel better/wanted/etc, and we’d go back to a mini honeymoon period, and then the drinking, or processing conversations, or being flaked out on would get to me again, and I’d get frustrated and be ready to be done, and then I’d go away for a few days and come back and things would be better and dot dot dot etc. Regardless, I knew that there would definitely be an expiration date on that relationship in the capacity that it existed. We’re still acquaintances, but things are definitely done. And have been for a while. We were together almost five months.

Q is only the third person I’ve had sex with more than twice in the past three years.  Usually, it’s because I have sex with people while traveling, or while they’re visiting me, or before one of us went back to school, or right before one of us moved, or _______.  I was talking to Sasha Sappho about this, about how different it is to have any type of relationship (fuck buddies, secondaries, primaries, etc) when there isn’t a finite end date.  I eventually want to move West, but I know I’m staying in CO for a bit.  I don’t have a date that I’m leaving.  And that makes me nervous, because I tend to find it easier to open up myself to people when there IS an end date, so if they reject me, I can just leave and move on.

Q is not my girlfriend. We are not primaries.  However, she IS my partner, and she’s the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had. I can be 99% myself around her, which is more than I can say for any of my other partners (mostly my doing to try and change to make them happy, not their fault). She’s worked really hard to communicate better, and I’ve worked on not over thinking and labeling things.  She puts up with my silliness (meowing, breathing fire on her, listening to 80s music while fucking, etc).

The other day, I got a bit teary post-fucking. Why? Because I have hang ups on letting people playing with me when I know I’m not going to come because I feel like I’m being selfish and wasting their time.  I just wanted to get up and leave and not deal with it, but I stayed, and we talked about it.  She assured me she wouldn’t do anything she didn’t enjoy.  While that doesn’t “fix” my hang up, at least we discussed it.

I have sex with other people. She does too. And it works. Poly done right, if you will, although I personally identify more as non-monogamous than poly.  She knows I do phone sex, and porn, and all that, and has no issues (that she’s voiced) with it, but conversely doesn’t objectify me for it.

And the sex? My god, the sex! I cannot be in the same room as her without wanted to rip her clothes off and fuck her. We’ve actually not hung out once since we started fucking where there has not been sex. We got close the other day, and just made out for an hour because she had a paper, but then there was fucking. With the exception of K, who I just feel this lust for, and happens to be unattainable in my mind (and a big tease, in a good way), I’ve never felt this much sexual attraction towards anyone.  We sex text occasionally, and suddenly, thoughts of sex with her permeate all other thought processes.  With most people, even with good sex, it started tapering off around month three for me.  I still like being with them, but I’m more cuddly and chatty, and less “please let me put my fingers inside you and then please fuck me until I can’t take it anymore and am calling yellow.” Not with Q. If anything, I am now even MORE sexually driven around her.

I feel good with her. I feel safe. I feel that I can be silly or serious, be nerdy, be happy or sad, and just be me around her.  She’s very validating, and I can be open.  Sometimes I tell her I’m feeling a bit judged (usually a bit in jest, but always with a grain of truth behind it), and we talk about it.  I feel like I can be vulnerable around her, let down my “I’m here to help, and can fix anything, and nothing is wrong with me” wall. It’s nice.

I like that now sometimes she calls me sweetie, or will scratch my back and rub my shoulders occasionally. We now have the intimacy that I’ve always wanted, but have been afraid to ask for, in fear that people will think I’m being to serious/girlfriendy/etc.

I don’t know how long this will last.  I don’t feel an expiration date coming up like I did with J and F.  But who knows?  And it doesn’t matter, because *right now,* in this second, this period in time, it’s working. I appreciate her very much, and am so happy she’s in my life. Who knows what it’ll be like in a month (hopefully well, because I want to go with her to the Canada vs United States women’s rugby game!), or two, or even next week. But right now, I’m so happy, so satisfied, and am so glad I found her.

That’s all.

-Essin’ Em

Following in Amber’s footsteps, I’ve decided to give you a quick and dirty post about all of the letters (and come names) you will find in my blog. Some of them have been in my life, and are no longer (or are no longer an active part of my life), others you’ll read about currently. So voila; the Key to Essin’ Em, and her semi-love, more kink and sex life. It’s KIND OF (kind of being the operative part) in chronological order. Let me know if I’m missing anyone.

Q - Updated: Q is my primary partner, the love of my life, the daddy of my kitties, my rock and so much more.  We live together in a 2-bedroom condo in Phoenix, AZ. She’s really smary, witty, sweet, caring, nerdy and awesome. I met her at the Strap On workshop I taught at Hysteria in December 2008. Hot damn if she doesn’t fuck me well…she does fuck like a siberian tiger. And when I can’t move and am in so much pain, she brings me pills and ice packs and lies in bed with me stroking my hair. I love her more than words can say.

F - F and I were primary partners. We were together most of fall and winter 2008. She and I had gone to HS together, but not really been friends…we re-met when I was on a date with L, and really hit it off. She started out as a total submissive who hadn’t gotten to play before, but morphed into an excellent switch. We had a lot of kink play, from bondage to edge play to breath play, spankings, caning, orgasm control, forced orgasm. For all of our other issues, we connected really well during sex, had good sexual communication, and fucked good and hard for hours.  Like more than two dozen orgasms at a time.  Also, the first person who has fisted me.  We’ve since broken up. However, as the Denver dyke scene is very tight, and the Denver kink scene is close knit, and we’re both kinky dykes, we ran into each other a lot, and we’re cordial.  She is now in AA, which I really support her for.

Ms. S – Local Denver Domme who owns a dungeon, and is hilarious and a ton of fun to play with. She’s the one who did fire cupping and some violet wand play with me. I like her a lot as a person. She also teaches at Hysteria. She jokes about being a creepy old lady playing with people in their 20s, but I feel much more comfortable her than I do with lots of kinksters my age.

S- A long time crush, interesting person with deep thoughts and lots of fun overall. We had some fun and amazing sex when I was in SF, and other fun and adventures. First (and only) person I ejaculated with, and there were other firsts. A really fun, really enjoyable and completely satisfying experience.

Miss P and Miss D – Friend of mine who have now become very good friend’s of F.  Both are part of a local female domination house, and I’ve played with both. I kind of feel weird now, since we played when F and I were together, and now they play with F, and Miss D and F shot a kink set (porn) for a site together, right after F backed out on me for CrashPad. So yeah. They’re really nice and fun though.

L – L is the lovely woman I met and hit on at the DMV the first week I was back in Denver, channeling Sinclair to be forward and slightly suave. We went on a few dates (she’s the one I broke my foot with), and then actually, on the same date where I met F, she told me that she wasn’t ready to be dating people. We’ve become really good friends, and hang out a lot. I’m in the midst of perverting her (and the lady she’s currently dating…who went to HS with my sister…oy) – she likes fire and electricity play now, and is totally a switch…I just don’t know how much she knows it. I really want to play with her at some point, but that remains to be seen.

M - Turns out M and I knew each other for a hot second in HS (M was a freshman when I was a senior, but we met briefly through a friend), and we re-met one night at the local dyke bar. M helped me to test out the Shunga Chocolate Body Paint, and we had a nice make-out session. Then I took M to a local play party, and later that night we had enjoyable sex, and interesting/awkward conversation (such at the whole “My anus is bleeding!” interaction). M is now engaged, and M’s finace is really nice and adorable. We still talk, and I just got Kate Bornstein’s book My Gender Workbook back, which M had borrowed.

Sasha Sappho - Sasha and I went to middle school together, and have reconnected. She’s currently in NY, but will hopefully come back when she graduates college in May. We played at Thunder in the Mountains last year, but otherwise, are just really good friends.

KW - KW stands for Kinky Whore (by her own choosing). She was a good friend who I had made in Philly who screwed me over and completely cut me out of her life, really hurting me. That’s all.

C – I met C through a friend of mine in Philly who used to be a pro-domme, and was involved with Roller Derby. We hung out a few times, chatted, danced, etc…and in the week before I left Philly to move back to Denver, we had two amazing nights of fun, enjoyable, really connective sex. We talk occasionally on the phone, but not that often.  Amazing person.

K - K is…well. He’s intense. He’s smart. He’s interesting. He’s fucking hot. He’s…well, he’s K. I met K when I interviewed him as my replacement for my position at EdenFantasys when I left.  Biggest lust crush ever. I would have let him do pretty much anything to me.  I tried to flirt, and failed mostly, as usual.  We finally got to play at the Submit party in NYC and it was an absolutely blast.  He also made me cry when I really needed to and couldn’t.  We still talk on G-chat regularly, and he was helpful in talking to when Athena died. We hung out and he hit me (in a good way) when I visited NYC in May 09. A very cool person, and I’m glad he’s in my life. He’s also a FTM Pro Dom.  Email if you’re interested in sessioning with hi,

J – J and I dated for about 6 months in 2007. We met on Craigslist (oh yes). First time I had my heart really bruised was when we broke up.  There were lots of issues with this relationship, like long distance, and age difference, and J being a sophomore in college and into drinking/drugs when it really wasn’t my scene, and me being more OCD about planning, etc. However, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. J was the first person I loved, and we had a lot of fun, tried lots of new things, and I learned a fuck ton about myself during and after this relationship. Also, the first person I fisted.  We kind of stopped contact on and off for about eight or nine months, but have recently reconnected. She now identifies as a high femme.  My mind is still trying to wrap itself around this.

The Asshole – First and only cisgender guy I ever had intercourse with. He also told me that I hadn’t really been sexually assaulted – that it was only a misunderstanding. He told me that rape was only perpetrated by strangers, and that domestic violence was only physical, never emotional or threatening. I left his apartment in tears, and have not seen him since…this was about three years ago.

Julius – Julius had been my best friend from about 7th or 8th grade.  He went to most of the dances with me in HS, even though we didn’t go to the same HS. We spent hours every night talking for years. He was my second “real” kiss. He was the first person to tell me that he loved me. He came to see one of my shows in college, and we hung out when I got back.  Then, about a week before I moved to Germany my junior year of college, we hooked up.  I never heard from him again. He blocked me on facebook, he didn’t return my email or hand-written letter. When I called him in 2006 before moving to Philly, he answered my call “accidentally” and then pretended to be someone else.  Last year, I wrote him a note on myspace apologizing for whatever it was that I’d done, and wishing him the best in life. He read it, but never wrote back. That’s Julius.

I took this picture for Queer Eye Candy’s month of February’s theme; holding a paper heart. I sent them in, but only towards the end of the month, so I don’t think they’ll make it up. My paper heart says: My heart is full of love and lust and thoughts and kindness and caring and sweetness and wonder and questions and caring and light and …“

There is a line in the Vagina Monologues, in the piece I Was There in the Room. It says that the both the heart, and the vagina are capable of sacrifice.  That they both open to let us in and expand to let us out. It’s very true.

I am half nekkid in this picture, not in the more traditional way, but my heart is naked. I don’t write that much about love and feelings and caring. Usually, my heart is only mentioned when it has been bruised…hurt…mangled. But it also has so much positiveness. Sometimes, I love my friends (and two of my past partners) so much that I feel my heart will burst. I’m so proud of them, so enamored with them, so filled with love for all of these wonderful people.

My heart is huge. Is it. It holds so much. And you know, while it can let things out, I usually decide to keep them.  I finally spoke with J again the other day, and she (using female pronouns now) is getting her shit together. I still feel for her in my heart, and am so proud of her. F came last week, and gave me flowers at my show, telling me I was amazing and truly deserved them. I felt love for her still. I love her still. Not in love, no, and I realize that no, we should not be partners. But to me, love is something that can grow and shrink in intensity, but it never leaves your heart.

I have friends I have seen in three, five, even ten years that I’ve been reconnecting with. It isn’t nearly as hard as one might expect. Why? Because there is still love for them inside me, I just need to rekindle it.

Recently, I had my six-word memoir on Love and Heartbreak published in that book. I’m on page 64 (which is a perfect square. That makes me happy…and nerdy).  What did I say?

“My heart is my strongest muscle.”

Why? Because your heart gets a work out, physically and emotionally.  We equate it with feelings, and emotions, and love, and heartache. We also need it to keep going, to keep living…to pump our blood through our bodies. We give it exercise – both at the gym, and in relationships; with friends, lovers, partners, family. Sometimes, we over work it, we exhaust it. Sometimes we pull this muscle…we do something that hurts it, and we need to give it time to recover. But it doesn’t break. No. My other 6-word thought was “my heart is bruised, not broken.”  We talk of broken hearts, but really, our hearts don’t break. They just need time to recover.  When our hearts are healed and healthy, we rely on them so much, we use them so much, we NEED them. So yes, my heart is my strongest muscle. It does so much for me…and I can only try to give back.

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday! Open your heart.

-Essin’ Em

-Essin’ Em

CONTENTMENT

Wrinkled sheets.

Crumpled blankets.

Pillows strewn about like an ancient abandoned city whose residents were forced to leave in a hurry…a modern day Pompeii.

A mingling of scents; candles, lotion and a hint of sex.

A faint bruise on the inner thigh.

A necklace dangling on the nightstand, discarded in the throws of passions.

Sore muscles that just slightly ache when flexed.

Two empty mugs in the sink.

The memories of heat and fire, of new horizons, of comfort and safety.

Words and thoughts invading my mind.

Pictures flashing across my vision.

Arched back, arms wide open, piercing vision looking into the depths of me.

Deep breathing, moans, pleading, askance, begging, nurturing, questioning, requests…sounds haunt my ears.

Fantasies of my balcony, my window, the elevators, the hot tub.

Uncertainty.

Photo by Ken Norcross

I’ve always been single on February 14th.  My very first boyfriend and I broke up on Valentine’s Day, in 2002.  The plus side? I got to keep the Orson Scott Card books I’d gotten him, and started getting more into fantasy/sci-fi books.  Since then, I’ve never been in a relationship on Valentine’s Day. And you know, that’s ok.

For all of you in satisfactory/satisfying relationships; Happy Valentine’s Day! Keep on with the love and caring and hot bunny sex.

For all of you in unsatisfactory/unsatisfying relationships: You deserve more, you deserve better, you *can* be happy alone, or happy with someone else. Don’t keep on keeping on because it’s the only thing to do (or because the sex is that damn good…you will find more good sex!). You have to free yourself to be yourself.

For all of you, like me, in no relationship (other than the ones with my kitties!): Happy Single’s Awareness Day! You know, I started to celebrate this back my first year of college with my roommate. We made sweatshirts together, went and bought all the now discounted V-Day candy, and made beautiful silk flower vases for ourselves and wrote notes to go with them from secret admirers…written hilarious romance novel language of course. When I first started celebrating, I always though of it as sad…S.A.D even, that I couldn’t find someone to be with on V-Day. However, since then, I’ve realized that much of the time, it is far better to be alone, and to be who you truly are, and to love yourself, than it is to be in a relationship just to say you’re in a relationship. I mean, I can buy myself dinner, chocolate, flowers, you name it…but I can I never buy myself my pride, my personality, my time.

I have only date three people in the past three years. Now, this may sound like a lot for those of you who have been with the same person(s) for a long period of time, but given that only about 13 or 14 of those 36 months were spent in relationships of any kind, it’s really not that much.  I have trouble finding people to date…but I suppose that if I had tried hard enough, played the numbers game, eventually, I could have found more people.

But I never found anyone that liked me for me; they always asked if going to school for human sexuality meant that I had blow job/pussy eating classes, or working for HotMoviesForHer.com meant that I was a porn star. Some asked me when I was going to dye my hair a normal color, others wanted to know why I didn’t have more tattoos. Many wanted to know if I had plans to lose weight, while one or two fetishized as a BBW. I didn’t want to date anyone that didn’t see me as me, and accept me as such. 

Being single for so much of the past few years has really helped me to get to know me for me. Not who I needed to be to get a date, or not me as part of a couple, but who *I* really am, and what *I* want and need. I will not ever date someone again who is using me until they find someone better (been there, done that). I will never date someone again who is in love with the idea of being in a relationship, but not in love with me (been there, done that, he was institutionalized…woohoo). I will never again date someone because I am so desperate to be “normal,” to “be loved,” or “to have someone to wake up next to.” (Yeah, I’ve been dumb, I know.) I will never again stay in a relationship longer than I should for whatever stupid reasons I create.

I will only date someone because they like *me* and I like *them*. Not some idea of me, or a relationship, and not some idea of them.

I hope everyone who reads this realizes that single is not the horrible thing that all the chocolate, diamond, hotel, etc, companies try to make it out to be. It isn’t. It is about being who you are, discovering yourself, and becoming empowered. We live till 80 or 90; ain’t nothin’ wrong with spending a good deal of that time with the most important person in your life: YOU (and hey, that’s what vibes are for, right?)

I present on relationship mapping sometimes.  I talk about having primary, secondary and tertiary partners.  And you know what I’ve discovered? I am my OWN primary partner. I dedicate so much time, love, emotion and resources to myself. That’s how it should be. I’m happy to be my own primary partner.

So Happy Single’s Awareness Day. I’m single, I’m aware, and I’m just fine and dandy with it. Not to say that if the right person/people came along, I wouldn’t give it a try, but for now, I’m really ok with where I’m at. And I hope you are too.

Now go enjoy yourself…and if you’re like me, eat some chocolate for the hell of it!

Oh! I have an announcement. My derby wife, P. B. Arlene, and I are getting married tonight at the Shoppe (with 3 other derby wife couples). NO. Not really legal married. I’ll be wearing an amazing Cindi Lauper inspired outfit, and she’s be rocking the 80′s prom dress.  Cupcake wedding cake. Goody bags for guests with gift certificates for cupcakes, derby swag, and other fun things.  Ring pop rings.  My lovely wife is making me a red and black sparkly veil (can you tell how well she knows me?). I can’t think of a better way to celebrate February 14th…and given my thoughts about marriage, it’s likely the only time I’ll ever get married.  

A few people have asked me where I’m registered…well, amazon, lots of sex toy places, and paypal to help me pay for rent and travel.  Want to get me a wedding present because you’ve got some extra cash lying about? All the links are in my side bar (unless you want to get me kitchen supplies for my fetish, a jaguar (the cat), a queer gang bang, or an Njoy Eleven – in that case, please comment or email me for my address!).

Here is the invite she designed:

Ok, NOW that’s all. Mazel tov!

-Essin’ Em

This video brought tears to my eyes.

Prop 8 is one of the most hateful laws/amendments that has been recently passed. Worse yet, it is now not only banning future same-sex marriages, but the proponents, and evil-in-carnate Ken Starr are trying to nullify all of the thousands of same-sex marriages that have taken place during the months that it was allowed. Couples will be broken up “legally”, rights stripped away, children will have their families torn apart.

This is not about right or left. It’s not about whatever your religious doctrine preaches (sometimes we forget, but there is supposed to be a separation of church and state). It’s not about how many LGBT people you do or don’t know, or whether you approve of the “gay lifestyle” (which doesn’t exist).

It’s not about you or me. Or about gender, orientation, sexuality, or anything like that.

It is about love. Commitment. Caring. Family. Rights. Joy.

Please don’t divorce my friends, my family. Please don’t divorce people I care about. Please don’t divorce those I do know…or those I don’t know.
Please don’t divorce love.

There is enough hate, enough hurt, enough anger, enough strife in this world. Stop trying to stifle love. Stop trying to bury it. Instead, let it grow, let it bloom, let it blossom. 

“Fidelity”: Don’t Divorce… from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

To sign the petition, please go here:

http://www. couragecampaign. org/page/s/divorce

PS. Anyone who even dreams of sending me hate mail or nasty messages about this, please save me the time and energy. This is my belief, my life, my passion, and nothing you can or will say will change my mind. You DON’T have to read my blog.  Thanks.

-Essin’ Em

I’ve had quite a few people (a number that surprised me, actually), ask me what kind of odd relationship I was looking for if I didn’t want to live together.  Some phrased it differently, asking me if I was ready for a “real” relationship if I didn’t want to live with someone (as compared to the fake, living apart relationships?), and a few told me in no uncertain terms that CLEARLY, I was just looking for sex. I’ve decided to clarify things.

I DO want a relationship. Possibly more. I don’t know the difference between real and fake relationships, but I’ve never lived with (or wanted to live with) any of my past partners, and I’d qualify those as “real” relationships.  And while I do want sex (very much so, and much of it), I’d also like something that is, at the very least occasionally, more than “just” sex.

*Gasp!* How can this be? Someone who doesn’t want to live with someone?

Well, I take that back. With the right, long term partner, in the more so future, I could see living in a three bedroom house.  One room would be mine (probably a library with wall to wall built in bookshelves, lots of red, black and leopard print furniture, and a daybed like thing). One would be theirs (whatever THEY wanted — a woodshop (oh please oh please oh please), a sewing room, a yoga room, a green room, etc). The third would be our bedroom.

And now that I think about it, if we were renting, I COULD see a two bedroom…one room being mine, the other theirs.

Otherwise. No. No. No.

Let’s break this down.  Right now, I really like where I live (off street parking, indoor 24-7 pool/hot tub, workout room, pool table, free cable, etc). I do not want to move.  So the solution most people would suggest (should I end up in a relationship) would be to have them move in with me.

But see, I like my space. I like my alone time. I am a night owl (obviously), and I’ve never found anyone with the same schedule, and I know I’d wake them up.  I like running around my apartment naked all the time. I have a lot of stuff….I still have unpacked boxed of books because there isn’t enough room. What would I do if someone moved in with their own stuff?  I’ve never relished this idea, but after watching my best friend go through moving in with her boyfriend, and having to put about 75-80% of her stuff in storage, so that they’d fit into his condo, I’ve decided that I’m not ready to have two people living in an already live in one bedroom. Fuck that.

As for getting a place together?  While more economical that two separate places, a) we’d both have to wait until our leases were up, which isn’t likely to occur at the same time, and b) agree on a place.  Should all that happen, and we move in together, what happens lease wise when we break up? I mean, my longest relationship is six months…do I really want to set myself up for this?

Other reasons I like having my own place:

*When I’m sick, I don’t have to get my partner sick – I just retreat (vice versa)

*I have cats. Most people I’ve dated had pets. Sometimes, this is harder than melding families with children.

*I am messy. Not dirty (I sweep, mop, vacuum, wash dishes, take out the trash, etc), but messy. Sometimes my place looks like a tornado hit it…now, I know where everything is, but I’m also the only one who has to deal with it.

*I am not a morning person. Ever.

*I am a vegetarian.  Only one person I’ve dated has been. While I have no qualms dating a meat eater, I prefer not having meat cooked in my pans.  I had a roommate once who let meat go bad in the fridge regularly, and I had to deal with it. Never again.

*I’m OCD about weird things. My books are in alphabetical order…within genre. I clean out the fridge weekly. I have to sleep on the right side of the bed. Why would I subject someone else to that?

*My last few relationships have, thankfully, been open relationships. It is very hard to get it on with another person (other than your primary), when you live together, and have one bedroom. Not impossible, but definitely difficult.

*I like to cook for my partner(s) when they stay over…pumpkin pancakes in the morning, all sorts of things in the evening. If they’re in a hurry, I make them tea in a travel mug, and stick a granola bar in their pockets.  It loses its cuteness/sweetness if it happens all the time.

*I LIKE alone time.  It’s much harder to get when, you know, you’re rarely alone.

So you see, I think I have excellent reasoning for not wanting to live with a partner, at least not for a good and fair amount of time. Should I start dating something, and things significantly change, I’m willing to reconsider. But given where I am in my life (I’m not advocating my thoughts for anyone else), living together with someone else…NOT a Samuel Adams.

-Essin’ Em

Surprising us all (and by us, I mean me!), she sent me the second half the day I flew home from San Francisco.  While my feelings at this point are no longer of want or of need, they are also no longer of anger or true frustration. I’m actually feeling quite zen about things at this point (a variety of things have happened in the last two weeks that have helped me to feel this way).  So I thought I’d post the second half as well, less as a cleaning out of my inbox, but more as an homage to a wonderful thing that once was.

-Essin’ Em

I was taking my time shaving and cleaning trying to scrub every ounce of anxiety and insecurity off my skin. She came into the bathroom to see if I was ok and asked if she could talk to me while I was finishing up, sneaking little peeks here and there. I finished my shower, and dried off, put lotion on… it felt like my face was several shades of red.

She told me to go into her room and to place both of my elbows on the bed. A new sense of heightened awareness swept over me as i bent over in anticipation. I felt her fingers run down my back gently, reassuringly… and then smack! Her hand spanked my ass and then there was gentle rubbing on the place of impact… smack… this was exciting… and hard to anticipate… she continued on, bringing out so many realms of sensation and excitement… emotion… my body was still tense with anticipation when she told me to lay down on my back and bring my hands up towards the top of the bed.

She grabbed each wrist and strapped it in to her under the bed restraint system… my heart was skipping. She pulled out a knife and started to carve designs from my collar bone, around my nipples, over my breasts, down the inside of my hips, down my legs… my body was writhing with excitement! I was so wet and I felt like I could come with just the trace of this blade carving a gentle masterpiece of art brought out my the red scratches on my skin…

I asked her to kiss me and she did. Moving from my lips down my body to my cunt. Her mouth felt so amazing on my clit. Attentive to exactly what I wanted she then stuck her fingers inside of me, amazing. Working her fingers in and out with her thumb on my clit, my body trembled and trembled with an incredible aching, i couldn’t help but shove my cunt towards her. Her tongue licking and sucking on my clit… my face turned hot and I started to scream “I’m gonna come!! Oh my fucking God I’m going to come!” My hands still tied down, stripping me of the ability to grab her hair and smash her face into me. I had to lay there and take it, surrender to this explosion welling up inside of me… and then the release. My body contorting out of my control, gasping for breath, every muscle contracting…

She let me stay the night and sleep next to her in her bed – something she made clear didn’t happen very often. I was exhausted and so very thankful. I still am thankful for everything we did together and every experience we had because it’s helped me grow more and more into myself. Thank you.

-Essin’ Em

It was the first time that we had spent time in a quiet room together outside of my office. I was in the process of unwinding from a day of giving bodywork and motivation to my small world of clients… She was my last “appointment” of the day and as a completely casual situation we were spending time in my lame excuse for a home… basically a house that i stored my stuff in and stayed at when i couldn’t find any other excuse to stay somewhere else. The lack of sanctuary resulted in a slight disassociated sense of numbness, a form of survival.

She had had a migraine and was seeing me for bodywork to see if there was a way to relieve her of some of it. We spent what seemed like hours talking in my basement… at some point she picked up my hunting knife off the coffee table (it was a little dull) and started running it up and down her arm… this sent a little sense of excitement through me and out of instinct I sat down next to her and laid out my arm. I never had a partner that really gave me a sense of permission to explore different things that may have turned me on and immediately she offered not only reassurance but almost a readiness to help me discover a new world of sensations… she instructed me to take off my shirt.

It felt like time slowed as i pulled up the back of my shirt and she unhooked my bra. Everything was heightened. The anticipation filled the air and i could practically feel it… when all of a sudden i felt the sharp tip stick into my skin… slowly she ran the blade down the side of my spine. It felt like my muscles became puppets to my own skin, dancing and quivering, sending shivers through my body as she gently carved designs over my entire back. I had never been so wet before. Completely distracting when you’re trying to find a place of zen before coming into a space for the therapeutic touch we had scheduled… 

The night of our play date, I was sooo nervous. I wanted to shave everything out of this weird nervous obsessive compulsive tic I have… Obsessed about being clean in order to feel more comfortable about my own insecurities (i know, i’m kind of weird). I arrived to her apartment with my heart in my throat. Coming up the elevator was like increasing the volume of the butterflies swarming my stomach and chest. This was a night where I had permission to be, and do without shame… something so foreign but so familiar. I came inside and she offered to make me tea…

I went outside to smoke, again out of nervous anxiety… what if I suck, what if I don’t know what to do, what if I don’t know what I want, what if she gets impatient and irritated… after i found a proper disposal for my cigarette butt I went inside and brushed my teeth and washed my hands (back to the weird coping mechanism)… and then we sat down and talked. She opened the conversation with what would I like to do. I stumbled through bondage, spanking, choking, MORE KNIFE PLAY!! She brought up safe words and hard limits… yellow, red (green for go :))

“Can I kiss you,”

“Yes.”

“Can I fuck you,”

“Yes.”

I was so turned on by the small piece of knife play before that probably could have come either way.  I jumped in the shower to get ready.