Sexuality Happens

For those of you who don’t know, or who are new here, I am a survivor of sexual violence. And sexual assault. And sexual harassment. I’ve met very few people who are not survivors of something surrounding this. Every April, I republish my story, and parts of my recovery, in honor of Sexual Assault Awareness month. I encourage people to donate whatever money or time that they have to give to RAINN (Rape and Incest National Network), or whatever local sexual violence prevention and survivor assistance organization(s) they care about or can find.

Here is another way. Instead of sharing your story (although I highly encourage people to do that), you can share your feelings of hope, of light, of survival with other survivors and victims of sexual violence.

Thanks to Holly for bringing my attention to this.

As a side note, this is for women and transfolk, but please remember that people of all genders are survivors of sexual assault.

-Essin’ Em

Call For Submission

Dear Sister, edited by Lisa Factora-Borchers, is an anthology of letters and other works created for survivors of sexual violence from other survivors and allies. It is a collection of hope and strength through words and art.

The pathway for a survivor of rape and sexual violence is an unlit road of pain, isolation and doubt. In the weeks, months and oftentimes, years following, the healing process can be difficult to navigate without a community surrounding her. Imagine a compilation of literary arms bound together to offer words of understanding, solidarity and love. Dear Sister is an accessible and inclusive offering of hope, voice and courage; seeking writers and artists who wish to light a piece of that road and lift up other women in her healing.

It is an impossible task to write a letter to every survivor of rape, to every woman who lives with an invisible scar. Instead of thinking of the face of the person you are writing to, reflect on the image of an unlit path, a road with no clear footing. Your offering will be one light, among many, to make visible what was previously unseen, to illuminate what was hidden. You are providing a few more steps for someone to walk steadily toward their own recovery. Your words can be an anchor, a meditation, a prayer, a strong embrace or a gentle touch. The purpose of this anthology is not to retell stories of assault, but to help others regain a sense of balance and wholeness.

Mindfully move beyond what is commonly said and reflect upon radical companionship. Write what you wish for her to know and never forget. And if you lose focus, look deep into a mirror and reflect: What would you want to be told if you were in the darkness?

Information

Dear Sister primarily seeks letters but will accept poems, prose, essay and drawn art that can either be scanned for entry. Maximum word count is 1,000. Deadline for submission is November 1, 2010.

Women and transpeople of any race, creed, background, citizenship or non-citizen, ability and identity are encouraged to submit their words and work to uplift others in the healing stages of post trauma and violence. Both English and Spanish are accepted. All questions can be directed to dearsisteranthology@gmail.com.

Submissions can be emailed as an attachment with “Dear Sister Entry” in the subject to dearsisteranthology@gmail.com.

Hand written letters can be address and mailed to:
Dear Sister Anthology
P.O. Box 202468
Cleveland, OH 44120

Note from the Editor

Rape and sexual violence thrive in the silence of our homes and communities. Outreach must be wide and intentional if we seek to hear from those who are silenced. Please forward this to as many individuals, groups, organizations, listserves, websites and agencies that come to mind

 This is part of my 30 Days of Letters blog endeavor. This is day 7, writing a letter to an ex…an ex partner, an ex love, an ex crush.

This was one I wasn’t looking forward to. Why? I mean, I’m friends with my last 3 ex-partners, at least to some extent. I don’t like burning bridges. Hell, I’m even friends with most of my former crushes.

However, I feel like this is supposed to be a deeper letter, one that makes me think. And so, I write this letter to Julius. I wrote a bit about him here. He is an ex-friend, an ex crush, an ex-love, and much more.

Dear Julius,

I still, more than half a decade later, don’t know what it was I did to have you cut off all contact with me. You, the person I talked to nightly on the phone all through high school. You, one of the first people I had a real crush on. You, who I laughed with, and cried with, and adventured with. What exactly was it that I did that night we hooked up, that some how convinced you to never talk to me again.

I could use humor, and joke that I didn’t think that I was that bad of a kisser, that you seemed to have enjoyed it. But this isn’t a time for joking. I don’t think you know exactly how badly you’ve hurt me.

You’re the first person who told me that they loved me. Not once, not twice, and not even only in languages that I understood. After my father died, you were the only one that was there to support me, and helped to keep the pieces of me together when I shattered apart. You were my support system, my knight in punk rock/grunge armor, my guy friend, my best friend, my crush, my love, and so much more that I can’t even define.

I think about you every once in a while. I do. I hope you’re happy, whatever it is that you’re doing. I honestly do, despite how much hurt and pain you’ve given me over the years, and despite how much you’ve contributed to my fear of being abandoned by those I love.

I only wish, that one day, I found out what it was that made you cut all of the things that tied us together. I’ve spent many nights, many days, many plane flights and train trips, all trying to figure out what I did to make you cut me from your life, to shut me out like all of those years that we’d had together never existed. It pains me more to know that I must have done or said something to hurt you, and yet I have no idea. I don’t even know what I’m apologizing for.

So Julius, should you ever read this, please tell me. Some how, please tell me what it was I did. Because you see, it’s really fucked me up all these years. It’s made me afraid that one day, everyone I love is just going to shut me out of their life. And I feel, however irrationally, that if I just *KNEW* what it was, and never did it again, that somehow, I’d be a little safer in the arms of those I love. Please.

Best of luck in your life,

-Essin’ Em

 This is part of my 30 Days of Letters blog endeavor. Today’s schtick is to write to a stranger, and so I shall.

Today I’m writing to a stranger. But I’m going to take a similar route of the witty Britni of BritIsShameless.com, and make this a delurking post, or better yet, a post where I can get to know you, my readers.

Who are you? Some of you I know in real life, others through your comments, your blogs, your twitter pages, etc. Some of you I don’t even know that you are there at all.

So tell me, those you who are reading me:

*What name do you go by on the interwebs?

*What are some of your identities?

*How did you find me, and when?

*Why are you reading this blog?

*Where(ish) are you located?

*What is your number one bit of sex advice you give to people?

*How do you tell people you love them?

*Favorite animal.

Would you be so kind, oh strangers of various levels, to post here, today, and tell me who you are a little, what makes you tick, how you found me, how you love, your tips on sex, why you read this, and of course, your favorite animal? I’d appreciate it ever so much!

And with that…I have hope to get to “meet” some of you soon!

-Essin’ Em

So here’s the deal folks.

Buy one day, send me a copy of your confirmation at EssinEm at Gmail Dot Com, and you get a little erotica poem from me to you (custom).

Buy three days,  send me a copy of your confirmation (see above), get a custom sexy picture (tell me your favorite body part/colors/etc).

Buy five days, send me a copy of your confirmation (see above), get 2 pictures and a custom piece of erotica written about you.

Buy anymore than that, and I’ll give you all the above, PLUS send you a “prize!” Perhaps lube, perhaps edible body paint, perhaps kegel balls, perhaps a toy…depends on how many days you buy.

To get all of these (or any), just head on over to the Sex Blogger Calendar page and purchase your day(s) — don’t forget, you can buy me days as presents too (I’d love love love that!). Then email me at EssinEm at Gmail dot com with a copy of your confirmation of purchase, and a little bit about you so I know what to write/take pictures of (if you bought more than 5 days, I need your address too!).

Proceedes go to the Woodhull Foundation to support sexual freedom — how can you argue with that?

That’s all – go forth!

-Essin’ Em

As some (many) of you know, I’m a model for the 2011 Sex Blogger Calendar, scheduled to be released October 1st (in NYC — I’ll be there, so will all the models like Jiz Lee, Mollena and Nina Hartley!).

Right now, there are 180 (probably less by the time you read this) days for sale on the calendar. How does it work? Basically, it’s $25 for a day, 5 days for $100. You get to put 80 characters of whatever you’d like on that day.  Wish someone a happy birthday. Celebrate a blogiversary. Rock out with your cock out. Promote your company. Whatever it is you’d like to do.  All proceeds go to the Woodhull Foundation for Sexual Freedom. Also, if you pre-order now, it’s $40 for both a calendar AND a day, so you save $5!

Click here to order your days.

-Essin’ Em

Want to get me a day as present that gives towards sexual freedom?  Here are some ideas:

October 18th: My 5th year blogiversary

December 17th: Me and Q’s anniversary

October 9th: The day Q and I are planning to get married

June 9th: My half birthday! (which I totally celebrate)

May 2011: Us moving back to Colorado!

January 21st: The first time Q and I had sex

October 2nd: Day I got Kinsey

January 23rd: Day I got Kali

Nov 1st: Day Q and I moved in together

Hey all -

As you may know, Rori over at Between My Sheets always puts together (with help from independent judges) a list of the top 100 sex bloggers every year. I was #11 in 2008 and and #25 in 2009. I would love your support to continue to be on this top sex bloggers list.

If you read my blogger (long time reader, or relative newbie), I’d love it if you’d head over and nominate me. All you have to do is comment on this post, and make sure you use the correct URL (Essin-Em.com) You can nominate multiple bloggers as well. Need new blogs to read? Check out previous lists, or read my blogroll.

Please don’t feel obligated, but if you like what I have to say, I’d love your support in this. The rules regarding who you can nominate are below. And so off we go!

-Essin’ Em

Rules are:

To nominate bloggers for this list, just leave a comment on this post. You can also email me at rori@betweenmysheets.com or DM @SweetRori if you want to keep you nominations private. The rules are pretty simple:

1. No nominating yourself. Feel free to post about nominations on your blog to encourage readers to nominate you.

2. Each nomination should include the blog url. I don’t know everyone, and some bloggers have the same names.

3. No porn aggregation sites. Legit blogs only!

4. Blog content can be anything sex related -pictures/videos, erotica, sex ed/advice, opinion, poetry, personal journal. As long as the content is related to sexuality at least half of the time, it’s eligible. Nothing illegal, obviously. Straight, gay, bi, poly, D/s, vanilla, feminist, trans…everyone is welcome here!

5. The blog can’t be protected. It’s ok if a few of the posts are protected, but the entire blog can’t be behind a password that you have to request to read.

6.  The blog should be at least a year old, but anyone who’s been blogging since at least Jan. 1, 2010 will be considered. Special exceptions will be made for someone who has recently moved to a new blog, but was previously blogging somewhere else.

7. You can nominate as many bloggers as you like, but please try to limit to your very favorites.

8. The blog must be active, which means that the blogger posts at least once every week or so. When we judge in August, any blog with no posts during July or fewer than five posts since June 1 will be eliminated.

9. You can nominate bloggers who were on the list last year.

NEW FOR THIS YEAR: After listening to your comments, I’ve decided to go ahead and retire any blogger named in the top ten three years in a row. This will allow fresh faces to get on the list, keeping alive the spirit of the list’s original purpose – to help bloggers/readers connect and get to know one another. Every year, I’ll also list retires, so they’ll still be a part of the list as long as their blogs are active!

Nominations close on July 31. I recommend nominating your favorites right now so you don’t forget. You an also come back and leave an additional comment with more nominations if you think of someone else who deserves to be on the list.

If your comment doesn’t show up right away, please be patient. I have to moderate comments if you’ve never commented here before, and some comments need to be weeded out of the spam folder. Feel free to email me if you don’t see your comment posted within a week.

I was a virgin until I was 21 (last year) and because I didn’t have a partner, I had fun by myself. I explored my body and what I liked, but never tried penetration, for reasons I don’t really even know. Anyways, after a long time of trying (seriously, it took a while!!), my (first) girlfriend managed to break my hymen and I started getting used to/liking one of her fingers inside of me – probably around last september. However, the orgasms that I was used to having from my clit were nowhere in sight. By now, I usually enjoy what she is doing to me a whole lot and am even able to enjoy more than just one finger (three at the most), BUT it never feels like I actually come. I can go for a really long time and I get to a point where it’s just too much, but I don’t feel like I orgasmed. I’ve tried getting myself off on my clit with her inside of me, but usually it doesn’t work because I can’t seem to come with her inside of me. When she pulls out, I do actually contract quite often, but I don’t really do that with her inside of me – is that possible or do I just not feel it? Often, I will feel like I have to squirt (I managed to get her to squirt a few times already :D !!), but no matter what I do (relax/push on it/…), I never do. When I try to push or when she fucks me really well, it literally hurts inside of me – I think my g-spot might be what is hurting!?! I don’t really understand why that would be happening or what that could mean, but it bugs me. She is really good in bed and she takes a lot of time and energy to pleasure me, but since I’m not able to fully, completley get off from it, I sometimes just say no to sex because I don’t want to be frustrated. When I have fun by myself, I always come. I have tried using our toy by myself (Lelo Gigi), but when I turn it to a setting that makes me feel like I could come it hurts too. I know that some women can’t come vaginally, do you think that’s what it is? I have tried to show her how to get me off with my clit, but I can only come with the right speed/pressure combination and even with good instructions she doesn’t get it quite right, because she doesn’t feel what I feel. D’uh! So I got tired of trying that, because it just made us both frustrated.

Anything would be greatly appreciated!! I’m out of ideas and no research on the internet has brought up anything useful yet.
Thank you so much!

-Needs Help

Hey N.H:

Thanks for writing.

First of all, you can always continue to get off by yourself, with clitoral stimulation, the way you like it.  Just because you have a partner doesn’t mean that you can’t masturbate anymore.  You can masturbate on your own, you can both masturbate lying in bed together side by side, you can have her play with your hair, neck, breasts, kiss you, etc while you masturbate. Plenty of ways to make that work.

Not everyone likes penetration, and some people like it, but very gently. Lots and lots of women of all orientations don’t get off from penetration.  So there is nothing wrong with either your or your girlfriend — it’s just trying to figure out the puzzle pieces of what feels good to you, and then practicing. A lot :).

Perhaps have her put her hand over yours while you’re masturbating, so she can see exactly where you put it, for how long, etc. Then have her try, with your hand over hers, guiding her in direction and pressure. You’re creating sexual energy and pleasure together, and you’re getting the stimulation you need while she’s helping give it to you.

It sounds like you may have a sensitive cervix. I have one of those – touch it and I want to punch someone. Q, however, likes having her cerix touched. It’s different for each person.  If you’d like, try penetration with toys on your own, but feel around for your cervix first and avoid it. See if that helps.

If you’re enjoying the sex between the two of you, why not use her enjoyable fucking of you as epic foreplay, and then have her watch you as you get off for her, your way at the end, so that everyone has fun and is satisfied.

Let me know if you try these and how they work for you. I wish you luck.

-Essin’ Em

A fabulous reader of mine turned me unto this project, and I think it’s amazing. Similar to the concept of Queer Eye Candy, whose goal was to present visible queer people to the world, this project is reclaiming and celebrating queer bodies as what they are. 

This whole project is done by a undergrad student named James, who is running this project to collect pictures of queer bodies, however they may be; butch, femme, boi, grrl, different abilities, different sizes, different gender presentations, etc. Here is a little info from the queer bodies project page about the project:

Queer communities counter, reject, and reinvent ideas of family, home, love and beauty. We try to make spaces for ourselves: for bodies and desires and lives other than those we were taught. Our bodies become our stories of assimilation and resistance and redemption and gender and love. They bear the scars and stretch marks and laugh lines of lives in progress, and I feel such love and pride for each of us, these queer bodies, these people who are so marked.

I want to document the variation and ferocity of queer experience. I don’t want to situate queers in opposition to straight people. This isn’t about them. We do not need to justify our existence. We are people, and that is enough. I want to paint people who are making and working and loving and becoming whole, happy, and healthy. I chose portraits because I know that there is no one person or image that shows the whole of queer experience, it is different for each person. There are only small snippets, pieces of the greater picture, that can be found in each individual queer life.

I’m collecting images of queer people to paint so that I can document some part of queer experience. 

I think this is a brilliant idea, and I highly encourage everyone who is willing, to partcipate and bring more visibility to queer bodies.

-Essin’ Em

Here is my queer body…Photo by Michael Barone

I just found out this past week that one of my pictures has been selected to be part of the 2011 (New York) Sex Blogger Calendar. Unline in previous years that featured only NYC bloggers, this year they did a model search that was national…and models this year include people from CA, WA, AZ, and more! Way to represent.

I’m only one of many sexy and awesome bloggers who will be on the calendar.  See the list here. (Did I mention Jiz Lee and Nina Hartley are also models?!?!)

What is this calendar for?  It’s a fundraiser. In the past, proceedes have gone to many groups, most towards Sex Worker Awareness and Advocacy.  This year, they go to the Woodhull Foundation in the pursuit of sexual freedom.

Why is this important? Because we all rely on having sexual freedom, regardless of whether your monogamous or poly, kinky or not, queer, straight or something else. The fact that there are still states that have laws criminalizing the purchase and/or sale of vibrators, and laws regarding sodomy (did you know in many states, blow jobs and cunnilingus are technically illegal, although these laws aren’t often used to prosecute people). Because lots of students are graduating high school having never heard of a condom, none the less a dam. Because queer youth have an incredibly high suicide rate, and represent more than 25% of homeless youth, despite being 10% of the population. Because people are hated on for expressing their sexuality (what they wear, how they act, holding hands down the street). Because everyone should have the right to be free to be who they are, without fear of intolerence, opression, legal reprocussions, etc.

Sexual freedom affects you when you go to buy contraception/birth control (hormonal, condoms, etc). Sexual freedom affects you when you place your relationship status or “interested in” on facebook. Sexual freedom affects you when you choose to get married or not, or want to get married, but legally can’t. Sexual freedom affects you when your insurance won’t cover a presecription related to sexual health (BC, for STIs, vulvar pain disorders, etc). Sexual freedom affects you when your child’s school refuses to teach them anatomy or even basic safer sex. Sexual freedom affects you when you feel like to have to cover up a facet of yourself.

We HAVE to protect sexual freedom, as it affects each and everyone of us. Without groups like Woodhull and the NCSF, you probably wouldn’t even be able to read this blog.

What can you do? Soon, you’ll be able to purchase days on the calendar. Your birthday, your favorite masturbation day, your blogiversary, your lover’s birthday, the day you adopted your pet, whatever day you’d like. They’re incredibly cheap, and a great way to both support sexual freedom AND advertise yourself/your blog/celebrate life at the same time.  Then, come this fall, you should buy a calendar (and maybe one for each friend?), and possibly even come to the calendar release party in NYC October 1st to meet all the models (including Jiz Lee and Nina Hartley!), get them to sign their page, meet bloggers and educators, and more.

But for now, hold tight, and just think for a moment what sexual freedom means to you. I smell a contest coming up!

-Essin’ Em

The other day, I twittered something about how I was having trouble finding the right red corset/skirt/bustle combo, and jokingly suggested that I go onto a certain wedding show on TLC to have them help me find the perfect dress, and say YES to it. Some of my followers thought it was a great idea, and so I half-jokingly applied online, making it clear that I am a queer, plus size woman who does NOT want a white dress, but have my heart set on a red dress. I made my application a bit political, telling them I thought it was important for them to have more orientation and size diversity.

You can imagine my surprise when I actually heard back from them. They loved my story, and wanted to know more about me and Q (my partner), and get more pictures of me, and of the two of us. I sent them.

The casting producer seems to really like me, and Q and I were actually getting really excited. However, I had only budgeted $500 for my outfit, and while we could probably save $1000 for it, that was it. The dresses at the store on the show (which is on TLC) start at $1500. Ergo, my budget needs to be $1500-2000 to get to go on the show.

At first, I was like “this is crazy. Spending over a grand on a dress that will only be worn once (or a few times, for costume parties, etc, in my case) is out of control. I guess I just won’t go on the show.” But then everyone I talked to pointed out the importance of having a plus size woman on TV, and a queer woman (with a gender queer presenting partner), on NATIONAL TV.

So I’m going to try to do it. Many people offered to put a few dollars towards the dress. I’m going to use my frequent travel miles to get there, and stay with my partner’s family. So the cost is all the dress. Ergo, I’m trying to raise as much as I can towards the dress, and hope to bring attention both to size diversity and same-sex marriage on national TV.

I just spoke to the producer, and my filming date is June 12th in NYC.

If you’re willing to help me find the perfect red dress, and queer weddings shows on TLC at the same time, and have a couple of bucks lying around, I’d love it if you’d be willing to donate. If not, I completely understand. Just please don’t threaten me (one person on twitter said he’d like to shoot me in the head for being a queer plus size woman trying to get on TV). If it’s $5 or $50 (or $500? *looks around hopefully*), every little bit counts, and I would appreciate it very much. Please don’t donate anonymously — if for some reason this doesn’t go through, I want to make sure everyone gets their money back.

So without further ado, here is the donation button to get a queer, plus size (disable) woman on national TV trying to find her wedding dress. Please, and thank you, and please pass it on if you’re willing.

Thanks,

-Essin’ Em