Sexuality Happens

I have a kind of confession. It’s only kind of a confession, because my friends all know this about me.

I LOVE taking care of people.

In college, I’d drive around on many weekend nights (before I started going to the Rocky Horror Picture Show weekly) in my mini van and then Stratus, blaring 80’s music, picking up my drunk friends and driving them back to campus. Then, when I was an RA, I was the person that would make tea for sick residents, give chocolate to homesick/broken hearted residents, tuck in drunk residents with a Nalgene full of water.

I love taking care of friends who are sad, hurting, broken hearted, sick, recovering from surgery, etc.

Weird? Yes. It’s just who I am.  Someone told me it’s because I’m a 2 (enneagram something?), others because I am a caretaker personality, and some because I’m counter-dependent.

So it’s been frustrating to me that in the over 14 months we’ve been together, Q has never been sick. I’ve been sick multiple times, plus pain days, plus surgery recovery. She’s had to take care of me a lot. I never got the chance until know to do it for her. 

I mean sure, I’ve had nights where I’ve cooked of her, brought her everything she needed, given her a back massage, and fucked her silly for hours. Yes, in a way, that IS taking care of her. I’ve also been there for her during gender breakdowns and other cry sessions, but those are few and far between; she’s not one to really show her emotions.

But this past weekend, Q got sick.  It was sad, as we had to cancel plans with friends, and the couples massage I’d scheduled. Plus, she’s not sick very often (we’re talking a cold once every two years), so she was sad and grumpy about being sick.

However, it was so nice. Because it was the weekend, I was home, and I could take care of her. I made her tea regularly (interspersed with Emergen-C, Jamba Juice and Theraflu), I went out to get her lots of foods that she wanted, walked over to get more Nyquil, tucker her in, forced her into hot showers, cleaned up her tissues, rubbed Vicks vapor rub on her chest, scratched her head as she fell asleep, etc.

And I loved it.

Obviously, I don’t WANT her to be sick. I know how much I hate being sick, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. However, it’s nice to know that I’ve still got it, that I still have that Jewish mom (without kids) vibe that I enjoy getting to rock out with so much!

-Essin’ Em

I know everyone is writing about Valentine’s day, cause that’s what you do on Feb 14th right?

Q and I don’t really believe in a specific day that you tell each other you love each other; we do it every day.

Plus, I wrote about Valentine’s Day and Singles Awareness Day last year.

So we won’t really be celebrating; I got her a binder that she wanted for her chest.  Yesterday, we went and got couples massages; hers to relax, mine to work on preventing migraines. And a lovely reader of mine actually bought me a mini vulva puppet, as per my request.

So instead, you get a few old school heart pin-up pictures by Ken Norcross circa 2008:

I want trying to talk to Q the other day about one of my two best friends.

See, I have two BFFs, if you will.  One, E, I met in high school when I chose her out of a pile of applications to be my costuming assistant for Charlie’s Aunt (in odd news, the guy who played Charlie’s Aunt in this play is the guy I made out with New Year’s Eve 2009. I know, right?). She lives in Denver, is getting married this summer (hence why I was trying on bridesmaid dresses) and while we aren’t much alike (she teaches yoga, likes dogs when I like cats, and enjoys florals and pastels), she’s been an amazing rock in my life. The other, A, lives in Seattle, and I was bemoaning having not heard from her in a while. We met the first day of orientation in college, at auditions for a show we both wound up in.  We’re a lot more similar than E and I; she’s also very nerdy, kinky, a writer (better than I am), social justice-y, etc.  However, she lives far away, and we’ve been having issues with touching base as of late. I miss her.

Regardless, I was talking to Q about A, and how I missed her, and wished we could be back at our “best friend” level we’ve maintained for so many years. She was having trouble understanding why I was upset at having not gotten to talk to her much lately (read: several weeks, where as E and I talk on the phone at least once a week, and text/facebook much more), so I asked her how often she talked to her best friend, who I assumed to be one of our mutual friends in Denver that I met at the same time I met her.

But it wasn’t.  She met me with a blank stare. “What do you mean?”

“You know, how often do you talk to ___ or ____?”

She looked at me again. “But you’re my best friend. They’re not. I talk to you everyday.”

I hadn’t ever thought about it that way. I mean, I tell her everything, we share so many things together (from the good to the bad, funny to serious). But I mean, she’s my partner. And that’s different than a best friend, right?

So I thought on it.  I mean, what is a best friend?  Someone you can share parts of yourself with that you might not be able to share with anyone else?  Someone to support you when you have successes, and someone to pick you up when you fall? Someone with whom you can laugh at silly things, and discuss serious subjects with? Someone who will actually tell you when something DOESN’T look good on, and when you have spinach stuck in your teeth?

Q is all of these thing to me, and more. She accepts me completely, whether that’s being in the adult industry/sex education, or prancing around the house, naked but for my leopard print snuggie. She sends me links to things that will make me smile, and to things that will make me thing. She cooks for me. She fights for me when I need help. She validates me. These are all things I expect from (or have expected from) E and A…so how is Q any different?

I’m not sure. Can your partner be your best friend? If so, can you still have other best friends? And if they can’t be your best friend, then what are they?  What IS a best friend, and how do YOU define it?

I’m leaving this open ended, as I’d love to hear thoughts from others.

-Essin’ Em

I made one of these back in March. Some relationships are the same, many are different.  Here is an update as to who everyone is, letter-wise.

Q - Updated: Q is my primary partner, the love of my life, the daddy of my kitties, my rock and so much more.  We live together in a 2-bedroom condo in Phoenix, AZ. She’s really smart, witty, sweet, caring, nerdy and awesome.  I met her at the Strap On workshop I taught at Hysteria in December 2008. Hot damn if she doesn’t fuck me well…she does fuck like a siberian tiger. And when I can’t move and am in so much pain, she brings me pills and ice packs and lies in bed with me stroking my hair. I love her more than words can say.

F - F and I were primary partners. We were together most of fall and winter 2008. She and I had gone to HS together, but not really been friends…we re-met when I was on a date with L, and really hit it off. She started out as a total submissive who hadn’t gotten to play before, but morphed into an excellent switch. We had a lot of kink play, from bondage to edge play to breath play, spankings, caning, orgasm control, forced orgasm. For all of our other issues, we connected really well during sex, had good sexual communication, and fucked good and hard for hours.  Like more than two dozen orgasms at a time.  Also, the first person who has fisted me.  We’ve since broken up. However, as the Denver dyke scene is very tight, and the Denver kink scene is close knit, and we’re both kinky dykes, we ran into each other a lot, and we’re cordial.  She is now in AA, which I really support her for.

Ms. S – Local Denver Domme who owns a dungeon, and is hilarious and a ton of fun to play with. She’s the one who did fire cupping and some violet wand play with me. I like her a lot as a person. She also teaches at Hysteria. She jokes about being a creepy old lady playing with people in their 20s, but I feel much more comfortable her than I do with lots of kinksters my age.

S- A long time crush, interesting person with deep thoughts and lots of fun overall. We had some fun and amazing sex when I was in SF, and other fun and adventures. First (and only) person I ejaculated with, and there were other firsts. A really fun, really enjoyable and completely satisfying experience.

Miss P and Miss D – Friend of mine who have now become very good friend’s of F.  Both are part of a local female domination house, and I’ve played with both. I kind of feel weird now, since we played when F and I were together, and now they play with F, and Miss D and F shot a kink set (porn) for a site together, right after F backed out on me for CrashPad. So yeah. They’re really nice and fun though.

L – L is the lovely person I met and hit on at the DMV the first week I was back in Denver, channeling Sinclair to be forward and slightly suave. We went on a few dates (she’s the one I broke my foot with), and then actually, on the same date where I met F, she told me that she wasn’t ready to be dating people. We’ve become really good friends, and hang out a lot. I’m in the midst of perverting her (and the lady she’s currently dating…who went to HS with my sister…oy) – she likes fire and electricity play now, and is totally a switch…I just don’t know how much she knows it. She also plays bass in an awesome band – Speakeasy Tiger.

M - Turns out M and I knew each other for a hot second in HS (M was a freshman when I was a senior, but we met briefly through a friend), and we re-met one night at the local dyke bar. M helped me to test out the Shunga Chocolate Body Paint, and we had a nice make-out session. Then I took M to a local play party, and later that night we had enjoyable sex, and interesting/awkward conversation (such at the whole “My anus is bleeding!” interaction). M is now engaged, and M’s finace is really nice and adorable. We still talk, and I just got Kate Bornstein’s book My Gender Workbook back, which M had borrowed.

Sasha Sappho - Sasha and I went to middle school together, and have reconnected.  We played at Thunder in the Mountains in 2008, but otherwise, are just really good friends. She now writes for the GLBTQ magazine in Denver and is freaking awesome!

KW - KW stands for Kinky Whore (by her own choosing). She was a good friend who I had made in Philly who screwed me over and completely cut me out of her life, really hurting me. That’s all.

C – I met C through a friend of mine in Philly who used to be a pro-domme, and was involved with Roller Derby. We hung out a few times, chatted, danced, etc…and in the week before I left Philly to move back to Denver, we had two amazing nights of fun, enjoyable, really connective sex. We talk occasionally on the phone, but not that often.  Amazing person.

K - K is…well. He’s intense. He’s smart. He’s interesting. He’s fucking hot. He’s…well, he’s K. I met K when I interviewed him as my replacement for my position at EdenFantasys when I left.  Biggest lust crush ever. I would have let him do pretty much anything to me.  I tried to flirt, and failed mostly, as usual.  We finally got to play at the Submit party in NYC and it was an absolutely blast.  He also made me cry when I really needed to and couldn’t.  We still talk on G-chat regularly, and he was helpful in talking to when Athena died. We hung out and he hit me (in a good way) when I visited NYC in May 09. A very cool person, and I’m glad he’s in my life. He’s also a FTM Pro Dom.  Email if you’re interested in sessioning with him.

J – J and I dated for about 6 months in 2007. We met on Craigslist (oh yes). First time I had my heart really bruised was when we broke up.  There were lots of issues with this relationship, like long distance, and age difference, and J being a sophomore in college and into drinking/drugs when it really wasn’t my scene, and me being more OCD about planning, etc. However, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. J was the first person I loved, and we had a lot of fun, tried lots of new things, and I learned a fuck ton about myself during and after this relationship. Also, the first person I fisted.  We kind of stopped contact on and off for about eight or nine months, but have recently reconnected. She now identifies as a high femme.  My mind is still trying to wrap itself around this.

The Asshole – First and only cisgender guy I ever had intercourse with. He also told me that I hadn’t really been sexually assaulted – that it was only a misunderstanding. He told me that rape was only perpetrated by strangers, and that domestic violence was only physical, never emotional or threatening. I left his apartment in tears, and have not seen him since…this was about three years ago. He tried to add me on Facebook recently. I declined.

Julius – Julius had been my best friend from about 7th or 8th grade.  He went to most of the dances with me in HS, even though we didn’t go to the same HS. We spent hours every night talking for years. He was my second “real” kiss. He was the first person to tell me that he loved me. He came to see one of my shows in college, and we hung out when I got back.  Then, about a week before I moved to Germany my junior year of college, we hooked up.  I never heard from him again. He blocked me on facebook, he didn’t return my email or hand-written letter. When I called him in 2006 before moving to Philly, he answered my call “accidentally” and then pretended to be someone else.  Last year, I wrote him a note on myspace apologizing for whatever it was that I’d done, and wishing him the best in life. He read it, but never wrote back. That’s Julius.

Right around this time last year, Q and I had sex for the first time, and I started bringing out the kink in her, and turning her into a fancy schmancy little pervert. Obviously, this has turned into more than friends with benefits or even casual dating, as we’ve moved together to Phoenix, live in a two bedroom condo together, and have merged our kitty families.

On that note, last week was Kali’s one year adopt-iversary.  I got my lovely girl last year right after coming home from my shoots in San Francisco for Crash Pad Series and NoFauxx.com.  I welcomed her as an older cat (she’s almost 8) into my home after mourning the loss of my love Athena. She has wormed her way into everyone’s heart (although Kinsey does still go after her occasionally), and is definitely Daddy’s little girl with Q.  It’s adorable.

I shot my first porn last January. Since then, I’ve also shot for GoodDykePorn.com and for a movie that Madison Young is doing for Good Releasing.  Obviously, I don’t have the right body type, gender presentation or sexual orientation to be a mainstream porn star, but I really do love the shoots I done.  I love that I’ve gotten to show people that there is more to porn than blondes with fake boobs faking orgasms.  I love that I’ve been part of the queer porn revolution.

I’ve gotten to present in San Francisco, Seattle, DC and Denver, and soon will do do in Phoenix.  I worked a temp contract job for the corporate world (at Western Union), and now I’m working a dream job at Fascinations.  Oh how things can change so much in a year.

Despite my tonsil surgery (have currently paid out $4500, and still have more bills coming in), new pain in my hips and worse pain in my knees and back, despite my credit cards being maxxed out, and my friends all living 700 miles away, despite my car breaking down and having no A/C (in PHOENIX), I am in such a better and happier place than I was last year.

So I acknowledge that.  Less depression (although it’s still there, and poor Q is still the recipient of random bursts of tears at time), more goodness, same amount of painkillers.  I say that’s pretty impressive given all the change and the recession.

So happy 2010 to all, albeit a bit late.  I look forward to what is coming (other than myself).

-Essin’ Em

While I’m rocking out in Vegas, I thought I’d post a few pictures from Q and my anniversary trip to Sedona, AZ.  Above is some of the beautiful red rock formations.  Here is another picture of the natural beauty:

The place we stayed was called the Lodge at Sedona, and it had its own Labyrinth (the woo-woo kind, not ala David Bowie) for walking, meditating and thinking.

And here, we have the super comfy bed in the lodge. Why yes, those red and black things at the end of the bed ARE floggers. Of course we bought quite the selection of sex toys!

And this is the beautiful statue on the porch outside the breakfast/afternoon snack room. I really liked it, Q was ambivanlent about it.

So there you have it.  Some beautiful lovey dovey romanicy woo woo pictures to enjoy while I’m rocking out in Vegas.

-Essin’ Em

Nothing is perfect, no matter how hard we try.

Sometimes people have asked me via email, twitter, comments and in person, how Q and I have this perfectly perfect relationship.

The answer is that it ISN’T perfect. But we communicate about the imperfections, and we move on.

There are nights when we’re falling asleep, and I wind up crying because she didn’t tell me she loved me before she passed out. It’s a weird issue I have from my dad dying when i was 13, and she’s usually REALLY good about it. But if I’m in vulnerable place already, and she’s tired and forgets, it might set me off.  So she hugs me and she holds me (after she asks if I’m crying and I valiantly try to shake my head and she tells me not to lie to her and I tell her I could never lie to her really), and we talk about what it was that set me off.

Or one of us brings up something about gender, and she cries, and I think I said something wrong, and it was really just the conversation about gender that set her off, and we talk about it, and hold each other, and discuss it and she lets it out, and we cuddle.

When we came back from New York, we had the worst fight we’d ever had.  Over the cat litter. Why? Neither of us had slept in two days, we hadn’t had any time alone as just us in five days, we’d been traveling all day, and were stressed. So I got frustrated that she was sleeping and Jasper was trying to pee outside the litter box because it was a mess and she’d forgotten to tell me we were out of litter and she got upset that I was frustrated, and kaBOOM. I left sobbing, driving to three groceries at midnight (all closed) trying to get cat litter.  Then I came home, and we crawled into bed, holding each other, telling each other how much we loved each other, and how sorry we were. The next day we talked about the fight, how it came to be, I bought cat litter, and she changed the litter boxes. Then we fucked. And we talked some more.

We talk about everything. Even if it seems little, menial or unimportant. I tell her when something she’s said doesn’t sit right with me. She tells me if I get over plan-y (as I am often). Little things, yes, but we talk about it before it becomes something big. We tell each other we love each other all the time. We set aside talking time. We have date night. We never ever go to bed angry, or at the very least without discussing it.

And that is why, even though our relationship is not perfect, even though each of us has a plethora of flaws and issues and nit-picking, we are able to maintain this wonderful relationship with one another, without driving each other crazy.

People ask what’s wrong with people today, why relationships don’t last. My thoughts? Turn off the TV. Shut the computer. Put your cell phone on stun. Talk to your partner. Not just about their day, but about them. How are they feeling? Are they happy/sad/mad/upset/worried/frustrated/satisfied/etc? What else do they need? What else do they want? If you can’t communicate with your partner (and they with you, and you each with yourselves), how can any relationship work?

-Essin’ Em

On 16th Street in Denver last year for New Year

Last year…I found myself wandering alone on 16th street in Downtown Denver until I ran into some friends of my Ex (F) and F’s sister…and this guy I’d had a crush on back when I was 13 and in HS.

I made out with him on New Years. He was the best kisser of any of the cisgender guys I’ve kissed (a LOT and 98% of them were horrible kissers), and he was fun.

I actually got a bit of a crush on him…until I found out he has NO interested in me…not because of my personality or looks. But because I was queer, or in his eyes, a lesbian. He told a mutual friend that he’d “never” consider having sex or dating a lesbian, or even a bisexual woman. Why? Because it was hard enough competing with other men…why would he want to compete with women as well?

Yeah. Total douche hat. I hate that dumb statement.  Lesbians often say the same thing about dating/fucking bisexual women. It is  just as bigoted there.

Luckily, I found the right person for me. She doesn’t care who I find attractive, as long as I make kitty and dino noises, and we fuck each other senseless. I have no idea what we’re going to do this year, and what life has in store for us, but there isn’t anyone else I’d rather have by my side.

You can also read my new year wishes in my Front Range Femme Column at Out Front Colorado.

Happy New Year to one and all!

-Essin’ Em

I’m not a very spontaneous person, but last Wednesday, I did a very spontaneous thing. I book last minute stand by flights to and from New York so I could go home with Q for Christmas.

I’m Jewish. Christmas has never been a big deal to my family. Perhaps brunch at a nice hotel, or going to see an opening day movie. But then again, holidays have never really been a big deal period.  Latkes for channukah with me, my sister, my mother, and when he was alive, my father.  When I had my bat mitzvah, my uncle, aunt and two of my three cousins attended from Israel, as well as my grandfather and aunt from Florida. My sister’s bat mitvah was the same deal, although a different two cousins.  Right now, my entire family in the world is ten people; my grandfather in FL, my aunt and her partner in Fl, my uncle, aunt and three cousins in Israel, and my mother and sister in CO.  That’s it.

So coming home with Q was…interesting…to say the least. On her father’s side alone, there are 12 or 13 cousins.  Three aunts, three uncles. Grandparents. Great aunts. Grandmother in laws (what?). Dogs. Birds. Etc. We flew in and went straight to her dad’s side’s Christmas Eve dinner. There were at least 25 people at this dinner. Overwhelming to say the least…at to that they are an incredibly enmeshed Italian family on Long Island, and yeah.  A bit crazy.

Christmas day was on her mother’s side.  It was just us two, her sister, her mother, and her two aunts. Plus a visit to Nana after. Much more manageable, but still hard.  Q and two of her cousins are the only three people FROM EITHER SIDE who do not live in New York, or New Jersey. The only ones. Everyone knows everyone’s business (her great aunt on her dad’s side told me she “knew” who I was, because she’d seen me on Q’s facebook!), everyone is giving guilt trips, and mentioning events and people for which I’m completely out of the loop, and poor Q feels overwhelmed, and guilty for not coming home more often, and I feel just…so out of place. People I’ve never met are kissing me on the cheek, I’m making up back stories for what my degree is in, and we’re playing the “do they REALLY understand what it means that we’re partners” game.  Oh yes, add to all this the fact I’m a strict vegetarian (as in no chicken broth in my mashed potatoes, none the less eating little shrimps), and they had less than 24 hours of notice that I was coming.

I’m typing this on the plane on the way home (I actually was supposed to fly out Saturday night. It’s now Monday afternoon).  Everyone has been offering me Zanax (xanax?) all weekend. For anxiety, for family issues, for the high pain problems I’ve been having. Perhaps I should have taken them up on the offer. I am so glad I came – her family IS very nice (some of them actually gave me presents!) and I am in love with her Nana. What a wonderful woman.  It was good to meet all of her family, and I have a better understanding of some of her quirks now.

But I couldn’t do this on any regular basis. I’m exhausted. Q broke down in tears this morning (very rare) because she felt like she was disappointing them by not being home more often, and because she was having Catholic (oh yes, I forgot to mention that part) guilt thrown at her by all sides. I’m so glad they didn’t hate me, or so I think…but I can’t imagine doing this all the time. Q’s sister  lives 20 minutes from everyone, and I see the poor thing being pulled in so many directions, trying to please everyone. It breaks my heart.

I look forward to seeing them again in March, and Christmas next year.  But for once in my life, I’m glad to have a small family that doesn’t put a ton of importance on the holidays.  I’ve been able to get through life so far without popping Xanax and I attribute my distance from and the small size of my family for this.

Give me a day or two, and I’m sure I’ll bounce right back. Let me just say that I have a new level of respect for people in huge families, especially when they live close by.

-Essin’ Em

It’s Thursday. Usually, I do a post for Half Nekkid Thursday. I did mine a day early this week, because this Thursday is Q and my one year anniversary.

I never would have dreamed that I would be with someone for a year. Or would live with them, or would want to be committed long term to them, or would find someone so wonderful, so amazing, so kind, so witty, so smart, so social justice oriented, so caring, so amusing, so…well…perfect.

No one is perfect. This I know. However, Q is perfect for me.  From the fact that we met at a strap-on class I was teaching to her making dinosaur noises to cheer me up to her love for our cats to her amazing grassroot community organizing skills, she is the perfect foil for me.  I met her when I was still broken to pieces over Athena’s death, and right when F broke up with me.  I have come so far in that year, and she is a big part of my growth, and even still being functional.

I cannot tell her enough how much and how deeply I love her. So handsome, so intelligent, so much fucking fun.

Happy anniversary baby – I’m glad you’re such an amazing and important part of my life. Even if I breathe dragon fire on you sometimes to BBQ you.

Love,

Me