Sexuality Happens

I love love love massages. Not just for the relaxation, but massage is one of the few things I’ve found (aside from my epic amounts of seizure medication) that can significantly impact my migraines. I try to get one a month. Expensive? Yes, but it really helps cut down my migraines from 2-3 a week to 4-5 a month, which really really helps. I wish I could get them more, but they are too pricey.

Sometimes, Q will rub my shoulders and neck. She has strong hands, but I really need deep tissue massage to make a difference, and that takes a lot of oomph that is hard to get after a full day at work.

The Jimmy Jane massage stone has revolutionized my health. Really.

Why? It’s very easy to use/hold (it’s actually super disability friendly, as you don’t need to grab onto it tightly — you can just rest your hands on it and push it around…great for days I’m having nerve pain in my hands), so you don’t need to grip tightly, or even really exert that much energy to use it. It feels ok on just the plain skin, but add a little lotions (or oil from a massage candle), and suddenly, it’s almost like a professional level massage in bed, or on the couch, or wheverever you’re doing it.

I didn’t expect to love it, really. I thought it would be like the multitude of massagers I’ve tried that didn’t do diddly squat, and ended up in the graveyard of unwanted toys. I mean, it doesn’t even vibrate, so why would it do anything for me?

I don’t know, but it is AWESOME. Really. Q loves it too, both using it and having me use it on her back.  The coolness of it is super refreshing here in Arizona, but I also really likes how it warms up to the body.

I wish I had cons. You all know I always try to put cons in a review.  But I mean, the packaging was nice (and reusable to store it), the massager did the job it was supposed to, and did it far better than I could have imagined, it’s easy to clean (soap and warm water, or you can boil it/dishwash it as well). I just can’t find anything less than stellar to say about this piece of ceramic.

Oh! Maybe if it came in black, you know, to match everything else. There you go.

Five glowing stars for this toy/massager/thing of awesome. The end. Thanks Babeland!

Click here to choose one ofthe Jimmy Jane massage stones in various shapes!

-Essin’ Em

Sadly, my quest to queer (and plus-size-ify) Say Yes to the Dress has ended, and I’ve refunded the donations I’ve gotten (unless I was told to keep them for other purposes, like Sexually Able).

Why?

Well, originally, I told them I had a $1000 budget (twice what I was expecting to pay, but worth it to be on there for my own marketing). They told me I need $1500-$2000 to shop in Kleinfeld’s, the shop featured on the show. I was going to give up, but you, dear readers and twitter followers, encouraged me to go on it, and started donating money to make it feasible.

I was excited. Q was going to come with me, my best friend was going to fly out from Denver, I was set. I even had my little sister scan pictures of my mother and father’s wedding from 1969 (my mother wore a peacock blue dress, and the producers wanted pictures).

Then last Monday, I was told that apparently, Kleinfeld’s “can’t” do a red plus size dress for less than $3500. Never mind than apparently almost any white dress is dyable to red…they just couldn’t do it for such a “low” budget, and they wouldn’t book me an appointment.

And so, I gave up. Why? Because my own ethics won’t allow me to spend a huge amount of money on a wedding dress for ONE DAY, and I’m certainly not going to ask other people to help me pay for that. I’m sure I can find, or even have a custom dress made for under $1000. I’ve found ones I like online for $500, but I really do want to try in on, obviously.

So thank you, for your support. I will say that the producer I worked with on the show (Katy) was nothing but nice, understanding, and open-minded.  She seemed super excited in the first place, and very disappointed at the budget levels from Kleinfeld’s.  I just wish they’d either be willing to subsidize dresses, or perhaps also have a “budget” location for filming.

Thanks again for all your help, tweeting, support and more. It’s been more than appreciated.

-Essin’ Em

I’m be in Seattle this weekend, at Sex 2.0 2010.

I was lucky enough to go last year in Washington, DC (thanks to a little help from a friend who hired me to edit her novel). This year, I’m going thanks to Fascinations, who is also a Gold Sponsor of the event.

This morning, I’m doing on a workshop on the Intersections of Sexuality and Dis/ability, and then will be lucky enough to check out all of the other sessions, workshops and panels.  I’m excited to be seeing some of my favorite people again, as well as getting to meet lots of new and awesome people.  I’m also psyched about the gift bags Fascinations is bringing. 

Sunday night, I’m shooting my final episode for Point of Contact, with some hot Seattle queers. 

Life, she is good.

If you happen to be here this weekend, come find me!

-Essin’ Em

The other day, I twittered something about how I was having trouble finding the right red corset/skirt/bustle combo, and jokingly suggested that I go onto a certain wedding show on TLC to have them help me find the perfect dress, and say YES to it. Some of my followers thought it was a great idea, and so I half-jokingly applied online, making it clear that I am a queer, plus size woman who does NOT want a white dress, but have my heart set on a red dress. I made my application a bit political, telling them I thought it was important for them to have more orientation and size diversity.

You can imagine my surprise when I actually heard back from them. They loved my story, and wanted to know more about me and Q (my partner), and get more pictures of me, and of the two of us. I sent them.

The casting producer seems to really like me, and Q and I were actually getting really excited. However, I had only budgeted $500 for my outfit, and while we could probably save $1000 for it, that was it. The dresses at the store on the show (which is on TLC) start at $1500. Ergo, my budget needs to be $1500-2000 to get to go on the show.

At first, I was like “this is crazy. Spending over a grand on a dress that will only be worn once (or a few times, for costume parties, etc, in my case) is out of control. I guess I just won’t go on the show.” But then everyone I talked to pointed out the importance of having a plus size woman on TV, and a queer woman (with a gender queer presenting partner), on NATIONAL TV.

So I’m going to try to do it. Many people offered to put a few dollars towards the dress. I’m going to use my frequent travel miles to get there, and stay with my partner’s family. So the cost is all the dress. Ergo, I’m trying to raise as much as I can towards the dress, and hope to bring attention both to size diversity and same-sex marriage on national TV.

I just spoke to the producer, and my filming date is June 12th in NYC.

If you’re willing to help me find the perfect red dress, and queer weddings shows on TLC at the same time, and have a couple of bucks lying around, I’d love it if you’d be willing to donate. If not, I completely understand. Just please don’t threaten me (one person on twitter said he’d like to shoot me in the head for being a queer plus size woman trying to get on TV). If it’s $5 or $50 (or $500? *looks around hopefully*), every little bit counts, and I would appreciate it very much. Please don’t donate anonymously — if for some reason this doesn’t go through, I want to make sure everyone gets their money back.

So without further ado, here is the donation button to get a queer, plus size (disable) woman on national TV trying to find her wedding dress. Please, and thank you, and please pass it on if you’re willing.

Thanks,

-Essin’ Em

Hey all!

As you may remember, I was working (and still am) on an anthology about sexuality and disability, tentatively titled Sexual Ability. I posted a Call for Submissions, I had people repost it, but got very few essays.

For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why. Similar anthology calls were getting dozens if not more pieces submitted. I’d made sure to mirror mine in a very professional, academic way, covering many of the topics, and all of the requirements.

And a few months back, a message I got on FetLife answered my question. And I feel so stupid for having not realized this.

Because of the subject matter, I was screwing myself over. I wanted people who had disabilites to write about their struggles with them, and how it was sometimes difficult fitting sexuality into their lives…in an academic way, with lots of thoughts and edits and _____.

There are many problems with this. First of all, it was a classist call. Why? Because not everyone has the background and/or ability to write an academically styled essay. If you didn’t have the opportunity to go to college (none the less grad school), how would you even know where to get started?

And secondly, I’m asking people for who (in some case) they may get completely drained just getting to the kitchen to put forth a huge amount of thought and effort. How unfair is that?

So I re-examined, re-looked at my concept, and have decided to do a survey of people with disabilities and their partners, where they can just fill in a sheet of questions when they feel up to it, as much or as little in the way of answers as they’d like. And then I will put this information I gather in this informal qualitative survey and put it together into a book celebrating sexuality and dis/ability. Thank you to Tristan Taormino for her suggestions on survey length, approaching people, etc.

So without any more rigamorale, here is the Sexually Able Call for Participants. Please feel free to re-post anywhere and everywhere. I’d love to get not only a large number of responses, but also a very diverse one.

-Essin’ Em

Always Aroused Girl has been blogging a bit lately about the oh so fun game of trial and error with her pills, and I feel so much empathy for her, she doesn’t even know. I actually have to have a spreadsheet now of what pills I’ve tried for which problem, their dosage, why they didn’t work, etc…other wise, I have no idea when the doctor asks me if I’ve tried Alavil, and if so, why it didn’t work.

I take about 8 or 9 pills every morning, depending on the condition of my knees. Then 2 at lunch, and another 3 before bed. This is assuming I’m not in any intense knee pain (up it by one more pill every 4-6 hours), or having a migraine (I get 2-3 a week…then add 3 pills to start, and 1 every hour till they knock me out).

People joke with me that I’m a travelling pharmacy when they see my giant travel pill box. But I have to have it with me at all times, because I never know when something will act up. Plus, of course I keep a bottle of IBprofen in my purse, because that’s my first line of defense for my knees/hips before I add the oxycodone.

I hate it. A lot. I hate having to swallow literally a handful of pills every morning. A whole handful. If you ever meet me, you’ll be very impressed with my ability to swallow almost a dozen pills all at once. I’m like a python or something.  It takes practice. I remember having to learn to swallow pills when I was younger, and I got to practice with M and Ms. Which actually sucked, because you didn’t get the taste the chocolate.

I hate not being able to go anywhere without the clacking of my pills. Without my purse, I get nervous.  What happens if ___.

I mentioned on twitter my frustration with all the damn pills (keep in mind some are not traditional Western medicine; I take glucosamine chondrontine for my knees, and flaxseed Omega-3 for my heart and B-12 cause I’m a vegetarian), and someone said that when they felt that way, they just stopped taking them all for a few days.

While this may work for some, please note how dangerous this can be with many drugs. In college, I was on Paxil, mostly for my insommnia.  I got sick of taking it, and so in my 16 year old mind, the best option was to just stop taking it, ignoring the fact it had taken 2 weeks to ramp up to my current dose.  4 days of cold turkey and I ended up in a severe depression and tried to kill myself. PLEASE be careful with your drugs.

The point of this post? There really is none. Just me bitching about the ridiculous amount of medication I have to take on a daily basis, and to please warn people about going off any med (prescribed or OTC or natural) suddenly. Your body needs time to adjust.

I don’t need any more migraine med recommendations. I’ve gone through the list. The med my current neurologist wants to put me on has been refused by my insurance (like my allergy medication), and costs $160 for 4 pills. FOUR PILLS.  It’s cheaper for me to go to the ER ($150 copay) than to pay out of pocket for the migraine pills I need to keep me out of the ER.

So I just up the doses of what I have, and hope it works.

People wonder why I don’t really care about gambling…it’s because I do it every day with my health. Trying to figure out which pill fucked up which part of me, trying to avoid taking pain killers, but guessing whether the pain will become unbearable. It’s all roulette…just with me, instead of red and black.

-Essin’ Em

This is a picture from February’s Sizzle at Femina Potens of three sassy, sex-positive, porn starring, sex educating redheads; Rita Seagrave, Madison Young and me! We’ve all shot for Good Releasing (production company of Good Vibes) and both Rita and I both performed on sexuality and disability at Sizzle (read my piece: A Femme Crip Rant).

While I sometimes consider myself a pretty cool sexuality person, these other two fantabulous and fierce redheads have been in the sexuality world/adult industry a lot longer than I have, and I just wanted to say how honored I am to have not only met them, but to have performed with them, chatted with them, hung out with thing, gotten kicked out of a trendy with them (in Madison’s case) and eaten sushi from a traveling boat with them (in Rita’s case).  I send them my love and best wishes, and can’t wait to see what they come up with next.

And wouldn’t we make a hot cast together in a film?

-Essin’ Em

Avenue Q is a witty commentary on PC-ness, racism, homophobia, sexism and discrimination in our society, very tongue in cheek.  It’s one of my favorite musicals.

Funny, then, isn’t it, that I experienced such egregious discrimination and ass-hattery while attending this show.

In case you weren’t aware, I am disabled.  I walk with a cane sometimes, sometimes not, but I am in pain at some level every single day of my life.

We walked in, tickets in hand, asked the usher where to go, and he told us “that way to the stairs.” My friend asked where the elevator was, and he sneered at us, possibly thinking “a couple of fat girls…pshaw.  Don’t want to take the stairs…too bad.”  All he said was “no elevator, stairs are that way.”

Thinking I had misheard (I mean, this was a national tour of Avenue Q, not some local rep putting in on in a warehouse turned brilliant theatre), I asked him politely “so, if one is disabled, how might they avoid the three sets of steep stairs to get to their seat?”

“You should have bought the disabled tickets.” I was stunned. Ok, fine. Maybe I should have called Q to remind her to ask for something accessible. However, I can walk down one or two stairs, and every large theatre I have ever been in (a lot) has had elevators to the balcony level.

“Ok, well, we bought the tickets we could afford, on the balcony. Would the disabled tickets at the orchestra level have been the same price as the cheaper tickets?”

“No, you would have had to pay orchestra prices. Now, can you just get inside?”

Again, astounded, thought I shouldn’t have been, by his rudeness, it took me a second to move. Able-ist and classist.  $15 tickets versus $100+ tickets.  Clearly, if you’re a cripple, you have money to blow, right?

So I walked inside.  And up three flights of stairs, crying just a little as I got to the top.  I hate being disabled, but what it 10 times worse is when other people blame you for who you are (same thing can be said for different races, genders, orientations, etc).  I wanted to go to the restroom at intermission, but if I’d walked down those 3 flights of stairs to pee, I would have kept on walking out of the theatre.

Upon my walk, I had one or two people walk around me (as I was moving very slowly on the handrail), remarking that it was “hard walk” and “not very handicap friendly, huh?” but no one stopped to ask for help. No one was outraged at this theatre, large as it was, being incredibly inaccessible.

I will never go there again. Our friend said something about “next time, we’ll get the accessible seats.”  I think I stunned her with my vehemence when I said that I would never ever return here again.  She didn’t get it. She didn’t get how small and gross and much of a failure at life they had made me feel. She didn’t get that I wanted to go home and curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep.

I couldn’t help but view the irony of what we were seeing.  We can sing about how everyone is a little bit racist, but able-sim still runs rampant and is almost never discussed.

Next time I want to see a big show, I’ll wait till it comes to the Buell in Denver. They’re incredibly sweet and accessible, even if you don’t tell them till the day of.

-Essin’ Em